When Kaito woke up, a bright ray of sunshine annoyingly beamed down on his face. He sat up straight, and like each and every day before, his eyes jerked his head toward his bedroom wall.

The fact that there was no hole nor crack to be seen broke down any hope that it had all been a nightmare.

His eyes swelled up and burned, but there were no tears escaping; after all, he had cried enough for a lifetime, and all that was left was numbness.

Kaito dressed up and slipped out of the apartment, trying to evade any conversation with his sister or aunt.

It was a long and irritating winter for Kaito. Not to mention needing to wear a cast on both hands and rely on Kanna and Yui to take care of him for weeks on end. Kaito couldn’t grasp why people continuously try so hard to make him feel better; all he wanted was to be left alone. Instead, they pushed harder and harder, forcing conversations no matter how awkward.

Kaito knew they were hurt whenever he avoided them, but as time went by, he cared less and less until the numbness enveloped his entire body.

When Kaito approached the train station, he could see Hana, neatly dressed in her school uniform, awaiting him. He can’t remember when it started; one day he just looked around, and she was there.

She was always there… and Yui hated her.

Kaito smiled inside.

Why does Yui hate her?

I can’t remember… We had a fight?

And then… And then, I don’t know anymore…

Ah, well

“Good morning!” Hana said with a big smile while pushing herself into the air with the tips of her toes.

“What’s up?” Kaito asked as he walked past her and toward the train.

“Did you bring lunch today?” she asked, and as if she already knew the answer, she handed Kaito a red lunchbox. “Here, I made you lunch.”

“Thanks but—” and before he could say anything else, she shoved the lunchbox into his hands. She wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

The train ride to school was quiet, which was the reason he didn’t mind having Hana follow him around everywhere; she was quiet… most of the time.

He could recall a certain day she wasn’t as quiet as he would’ve liked.

They were in his bedroom. Kaito sat on his bed, back against the wall and his head hung low. Hana sat on a chair next to the desk, scurrying through piles of papers. “What do you think about Kyoto?” she asked him, handing him a piece of paper.

“Huh?” he looked up, not too sure what Hana was doing in his room.

“The University of Kyoto… It’s a great backup plan! What do you think about it?” she asked and before he could answer, “You know what? I’ll send your application to them as well… might as well, right?”

I guess she’s applying to Universities… for me?

Whatever…

“But I really think it would be great if you got into the University of Tokyo. I mean, I already got an early acceptance… Just think, next year we could be going to the same university!” she said with a huge smile, almost shaking from excitement.

The screech of metal against metal snapped Kaito out of his flashback, and before he knew it, he was walking towards the same old sliding door entrance of his school.

“KAITO!”

A sudden force pulled Kaito backward. He felt a strong hand gripping his arm.

“Kaito!” Touma called again, in a stern voice. “We need to talk!”

“What do you want?” Kaito asked, jerking his shoulder free from Touma’s grip.

Himari was holding Touma’s hand and hid behind him—as if she was scared of Kaito.

“I just want to talk to you! You’re my friend!”

Kaito stared blankly back at him.

“You gotta stop this! It’s been months already...”

“Whatever,” Kaito muttered and walked off.

What does he know about how I feel?

He has everything he wants…

“Just leave him be already!” Kaito heard Hana shout at Touma.

“You’re not doing him any favors by helping him when he is like that! And why are you always around him? You’re just feeding off his—”

“Touma!” Himari stopped him from finishing his sentence.

“Ugh! You know what? I give up!”

Good! Just give up and leave me be.

Kaito didn’t see Touma in class for the rest of the day.

Peaceful.

Quiet.

Lunchtime came, and Kaito remained behind in class. His stomach growled, and he was grateful for the lunchbox Hana had packed for him.

Kaito had just started eating when Hana joined him. Fortunately for Kaito, she didn’t say anything, and the two of them ate their lunch together in complete silence.

The rest of the day felt like Kaito sat at the same seat and different scenes blurred in and out in front of him until the last bell of the day chimed, urging him to take a train home so that he could sleep and do everything over again.

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Since that night, most of Kaito’s days felt the same. Foggy, blurry, sometimes long, sometimes short. Fragments scattered over time.

The train came to a halt and Kaito jumped off, followed by Hana.

Kaito quickly turned around. “Hana...”

“Hmm?” she looked up at him sweetly, flicking her hair behind her ear with one finger.

Kaito didn’t seem to notice her intentions and simply said, “I want to walk home alone today, so...”

“Oh... Yeah sure.” Clearly flustered she asked, “Just promise me that you’ll text me if you receive any acceptance letters.”

Kaito wasn’t even sure if he had her number, but knowing Hana, she had probably saved it in his phone herself.

“Uh, yeah. Will do,” he said, touching the side of his head with two fingers as if saluting her.

Why did I do that...

Hana turned around, her hair flying through the air dramatically as she walked off, clearly irritated—either from Kaito’s request or because she would have to wait at least another twenty minutes to catch the next train.

Kaito hated the walk home. Every step forward filled his head with flashes from that day, and every time he thought of that day, his chest felt ten times heavier, and he had to use all his strength to keep himself from crumbling to the floor.

When Kaito finally arrived outside the apartment, his eyes fell on a thick, brown envelope sticking out from underneath the door. Curious, he swung open the door to find his name displayed on the envelope. He grabbed it, muttered “I’m home,” and then made his way to his bedroom.

This is from the University of Tokyo…

He threw the envelope toward his desk, but it slid across and fell on the ground. Kaito sighed and collapsed onto his bed.

His eyes glanced toward his bedroom wall for a split second, just long enough to remind himself there was no use having hope.

Kaito closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Not long after, he awoke to voices coming from downstairs.

Sounds like someone is arguing…

Is that… That’s Touma!

What is he doing here?

Kaito got out of bed and slowly made his way toward his bedroom door.

Sticking his face outside the door, he could hear Touma conversing with Kanna.

“...can’t be good for him! And I don’t know what to do anymore! Himari is just as lost...”

“I know, Touma, but you have to understand, Kaito has been through a lot in his life… He lost his… My sister...”

“I know… It’s just, I don’t think he is processing it in a healthy way! I’m— We are really worried about him. I don’t want him to do anything stupid!”

Kanna was quiet, save for a sound she made that resembled a hiccup and a cry at the same time.

“And what about his future? Application dates for universities have closed—”

“I think Hana helped him fill out some stuff—”

“Hana?” Touma asked surprised. “That witch? She’s bad news, Kanna! She—”

“I know,” Kanna’s voice cracked. “I don’t know what to do anymore—”

Kaito was gripped with rage.

Can they just leave me alone already!!

SLAM!

He slammed his bedroom door shut, making sure it was loud enough for them to hear it downstairs.

Can everyone just SHUT UP!

Kaito paced up and down his room, feeling trapped inside his tiny bedroom. His eyes fell on the brown paper envelope again, and he decided he would open it up and take a look.

After he tore the envelope open, Kaito tilted it to the side to reveal the letter inside.

Dear Mr. Igarashi

This letter is to confirm that you have been accepted—

Kaito wasn’t sure if he was supposed to feel any form of happiness with the news.

If I go… I’d be free from all this…

But I’d be away from—

No! She wasn’t REAL! I just need to forget!

Forget…

He reread the first sentence a couple of times and remembered Hana asking him to promise to text her if he received any letters.

While Kaito typed a message on his phone to Hana, he remembered that not too long ago, he walked into his room and caught her spraying her perfume on his pillowcase. He wasn’t sure what to say, and she hastily ran out of the room, blushing from chin to ear.

She is pretty weird… Why am I texting her?

Kaito deleted the message and was about to put his phone down when he looked up and around him at the ever-shrinking room and the crack-less wall. His thumbs raced to recreate the message he deleted a few moments ago and hit send before he had any second thoughts.

KAITO: Hey. I got accepted to Tokyo Uni. See you tomorrow.

The next day on the train to school, Hana was brimming with happiness, so much so that she started discussing plans for their future—which dorm Kaito had to apply for, and what they were going to do on their first weekend back in Tokyo.

Who knows what else she’s planning…

This made Kaito panic a little.

“Hana, wait!”

“What is it?”

“Just— slow down. I’m not sure I’m ready for all that...” Kaito said, trying his best to look her in the eye, but his gaze failed him as it went past her and focused on the scenery flashing by them.

“Is that because you’re still hung up over a girl you’ve never even seen before?!”

“Hana!”

“It is, isn’t it? While in the meantime, I’ve been right here, with you, taking care of you!”

“I know, I just—”

Hana’s hands clenched the books she carried, and as soon as the train came to a halt, she practically leaped from her seat and said, “It’s not fair competing with a ghost, Kaito.” She then turned around, with her deep black river of hair flowing behind her, and got off the train.

Kaito wasn’t even sure if she had gotten off at her stop, but what she said did make him think.

She’s weird but does mean well…

And she’s the only one that hasn’t been annoying me non-stop!

Soon, Kaito got off at his stop, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he didn’t get flashbacks of that horrible day on his way home.

When he arrived home, he dashed into his room, there he found another thick, brown envelope waiting on his desk. Kaito tore it open without reading who it was from.

Congratulations!

You have been accepted to Unmei Institute of Theatre and Fine Arts—

Theater and Fine Arts?

Did Hana send— NO!

Kanna did this!

Without telling me? Do they think I’m THIS useless?!

UGH!

Kaito’s anger propelled him downstairs toward the kitchen where he found Kanna.

“Kaito! You’re—”

“What is this?!” he asked, throwing the letter on the kitchen counter.

“What is— Oh, that! Well… I thought you’d be happy—”

“Happy! Happy about what exactly? About the fact that none of you can just leave me alone and give me some SPACE?!” Kaito bubbled with anger. And the way Kanna was looking at him inflated his rage. “Or should I be happy about you guys sending out University applications IN MY NAME!!”

“Kaito, please!” Kanna tried calming him down to no avail.

“No, wait!” Kaito laughed in anger. “The best one is, my best friend and aunt talking about ME, BEHIND MY BACK!”

“Kaito! Please! I’m sorry, but please—”

“NO! I’m so done with ALL OF THIS! You know what…” Kaito turned his back to Kanna, who was whimpering in the corner of the kitchen. “Screw all of this; I’m not going to the university! How about that?! I’ll just go live on the streets! Maybe then everyone can just SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Kaito stormed upstairs, collapsed onto his bed and poured all his anger into his pillow.

It wasn’t long after that Kanna appeared in his room. She sat down on his bed and stroked his back.

“I have to tell you something, and it’s really hard to t-talk about,” Kanna was crying, and Kaito pressed his face deep into his pillow to hide his tears.

“Your mother… That night at the hospital—” Kanna wiped furiously at her eyes and cleared her throat. “She— Err… When she arrived at the hospital, she was still alive—”

Alive? I thought—

“I know; it was wrong of me to keep this from you, but I wasn’t strong enough… Kaito, I’m so sorry!” Fresh tears streamed from her eyes again, and Kaito could feel the bed shake as Kanna tried her best to tell her story.

“What do you mean Mama was still alive? I thought—”

“I know! She was— just barely. I was with her… she could barely talk, but she asked about you and Yui, whether you guys were safe or—”

Kaito stood up from his bed and fetched a handkerchief from his drawer.

“Here,” he said, handing it to her.

“Ah! Thank you.” Kanna wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She smiled a tiny smile at him with her red, puffy face.

“The doctors… They told her about your condition— You had two collapsed lungs and were only kept alive by machines.”

Kaito remembered that night as clear as ever, but he had no recollection of what happened to him in the hospital. And hearing Kanna talk about it made it feel so real that he could feel his chest ache just picturing Kanna’s words.

Kanna took his hands in hers. “Kaito, your mother told them to take her lungs and give it to you...”

What?!

“What—?”

“They told her there might be a chance... a very slim one, that they could save her, but she wouldn’t have any of it—”

“She— She did… What?!”

Kaito clasped at his chest, feeling his lungs pump air in and out of him, faster and faster.

Mama…

Fresh, hot tears were dripping from his face. He couldn’t believe what Kanna had just told him. His mother could’ve been alive, but she chose to save him.

Kanna wrapped her arms around him, and there they sat for as long as it took Kaito to process all he’d just learned.

“This is why you have to sing,” she said, sitting up straight again, and Kaito could feel a cool, wet patch on his back. “Your mother gave you a gift, and you need to use it to honor her memory.”

“Anyways,” Kanna said as she stood up and wiped the tears from her face once again. “I’m busy cooking us some dinner,” she smiled at him, “I’ll see you downstairs, yeah?”

“Yes,” was all Kaito could manage.

Kaito was overcome by so much emotion that he wasn’t sure what to do with everything, so he decided it might be best to stop over-thinking. He resolved that he was going to let the past be just that—the past.

From now, I’m looking forward.

I’m sorry it took so long, Mama...