It started small, as these things are wont to do, just a snarky quip, not even a clever one. My life was pretty ordinary at that point; finished school, a job, nice apartment in the city. Unfortunately, not a Mrs. Ash Li Something yet, not even dating at the moment, but talking to someone. I was on a corporate retreat with my job, some team building thing. A joke, really.
Our boss was an idiot, and since she was running this mess none of the “exercises” went right. Her name was Oshiro, well, her last name anyway and that’s what she told us to call her. Behind her back we usually called her “The Troll.” It was a pretty apt description of her, really, and that was before you accounted for her brutish personality. She was short, rotund, and her beige skin had no shortage of blemishes. What really made her ugly though was the perpetual scowl.
It was a week long retreat, and the first day had been brutally incompetent. Hanz had been paired up with Colette, a mousey girl who was probably half his weight. We were doing one of those moronic “trust exercises” where you’re supposed to fall into someone’s arms. Hanz and Colette tried to object, but Oshiro snapped at them and they shut up immediately.
As could have been expected by anyone with half a brain, it went disastrously. Hanz crushed Colette; to her credit, she stood her ground like a boss. Of course her bravery cost her a broken arm, but it got her a ride off this damned mountain so I was tempted to say she got the better end of the deal. The spiraling disaster that was about to become my life started when the medics were examining Colette and pronounced her arm broken.
“Oh, wow, what a shocking twist, it would have taken a real genius to see that coming,” I said to Alex, one of my coworkers, in my best obvious sarcasm voice, loud enough for The Troll to overhear, waving my hands melodramatically. “I mean, ninety IQ points, at least.” She shot me a murderous glare and I responded with a derisive smirk. I forgot about the whole thing in a minute, but apparently I struck a nerve with Oshiro.
Colette gone, we were short one person, so the next day The Troll joined in on the ‘fun’ and participated. I watched her waddle up to me with dread, worried she was going to steal Alex, who I’d been flirting with, to be her partner. It turned out her plan was even more sinister, she was going to be my partner instead.
I didn’t think much of it at first, figuring she split me and Alex to stop us from slacking and talking shit. The first exercise that day was some nonsense involving pencils and paper, I guess we were supposed to be writing something down? I spent the time drawing a bitchin’ pirate.
“Figures you wouldn’t have a clue, Boudreaux” Oshiro said when we were wrapping up. She called everyone by their last names too.
“Huh?” I was still finishing off the parrot.
She huffed a little, but didn’t seem to know where to go from there, so she just set to gathering our group and herding us to another exercise.
Up next was some kind of trivia challenge, maybe. It’s hard to say, I was making flirtatious signs at Alex who was on a different team. We both knew a bit of sign language and it let us have private conversations. I’m pretty sure whatever we were doing, our team lost, because The Troll was trash talking me to one of my coworkers. The only part I caught was when she said, “That’s right, I said you were a lazy dick,” when I looked up from my phone to try and catch sight of Alex.
“Sounds about right,” I said as I walked past to join Alex for lunch. I began to suspect that partnering with me was part of some scheme of hers to antagonize me. In retrospect, I think she’d talked more shit during the exercises that I hadn’t caught at all. I still didn’t care, but it was an interesting hypothesis.
After lunch we had a seminar to attend and I made the mistake of splitting from Alex to find a good spot in the back before everyone got seated. Oshiro was already there, and just as the rest of our company was filtering in, she plopped herself down next to me. I had taken a seat on the edge of the row, for a quick retreat, but now it meant there weren’t any others near me. Alex gave me a sympathetic pout from a few rows ahead.
The speaker was some sort of expert on synergy… or maybe symmetry…
“Ugh, who hired this loser. Is this some performance art about depression or something?”
“What.” I’d turned to make my joke, and froze when I found myself staring down the eternal grimace.
I’d forgotten I was sitting next to the reaper of fun. After an awkward staring contest with Oshiro, I straightened up in my seat and tried to pretend I hadn’t said anything.
“With an attitude like that, it’s a wonder you haven’t been fired yet.”
“Yeah, real mystery.” Except for the part where all the other managers liked me. I didn’t say the last part because it seemed defensive.
“Don’t think fooling those pigs means you’re safe.” Apparently I didn’t need to add it anyway.
“You mean I’m in danger? I’d better watch out for wild dogs.” I can say anything with an air of perfect sincerity. It’s an excellent weapon for mouthing off to your boss.
“Are you being smart with me?”
“Not at all, wild dogs are terrifying! Did you know they can run about forty miles per hour?” I spent the rest of the lecture sharing cool trivia about wild dogs, talking over any attempt to respond. When it was time to go she was out the door faster than I was.
By the time I’d made it outside she’d regained her composure, though I don’t think she bought my dumb act even for a second. She was rallying everyone up for the day’s last activity, some sort of “community meeting.” I saw she’d gathered The Goblins into our group, but figured it was because she’d given up on trying to butt heads with me.
The Goblins were a pair of sycophants with their noses so far up The Troll’s ass they were crawling out the other side. Unlike The Troll they were both good looking, at least a point higher than me, and I’m no ugly duckling (in my humble opinion). Even the conceited smiles couldn’t diminish their pretty faces.
We split into subgroups for the exercise, and when Oshiro and her cronies ‘just happened’ to land in a group with me and some schlub, I was certain she was trying to fuck with me. I had a hard time believing my lame joke pissed her off that much.
The exercise started with my team prattling aimlessly about embiggening our core incompetencies- wait, that doesn’t sound right. Whatever, Alex and I started making goofy faces at each other about ten seconds in. It wasn’t until I noticed awkward silence from my group I realized they were waiting for me to say something.
“Yeah, definitely, sounds about right,” I tried to sound like I meant it, but I don’t think it took.
“And again, you’re not paying attention!” Oshiro barked. “It’s like you don’t care at all.”
It took everything I had to hold back laughter.
“Ash is being a smug bitch, like always,” one of The Goblins said. I think her name was Sophia. She kept talking, but I zoned out, and went back to making googly eyes at Alex. They didn’t get my attention again until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Noah staring me down. He was the other Goblin, I think he and Sophia were an item.
“Show your boss some fucking respect.” I stared at him for a second, before turning my gaze to his hand. I hated when people did that.
“Please don’t touch me.”
“Oh, now you pay attention. You’re such a fucking bastard.”
It’s probably relevant to mention I’m a lot stronger than I look, and a lot faster. By the time Noah realized what happened he was at eye level with me, one of his fingers nearly pinned to the back of his hand.
“Please, don’t touch me.” I let him go and brushed my shoulder. He reeled, cursing and holding back tears. Sophia ran up to comfort him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you psycho cunt!” She yelled. The schlub looked at me and I shrugged. He mirrored my response but with a big grin.
“Big mistake, Boudreaux,” The Troll posed victoriously over me. “When HR hears about this, you’re finished.”
“Is that so. You’d better call them right up. I think they’ll still be in the office for a few hours.”
“Yeah, you act real tough now,” she scoffed. “We’ll see.”
“Sure.” At this point the other groups were starting to break up, finished with whatever the activity was, or perhaps just distracted by the petty drama unfolding near me. I stood and navigated around Oshiro, making my way towards Alex. With the activities over for the day, I looked forward to spending some time with people I liked.
At dinner I noticed Oshiro was rather late, and extremely pissed. I figured she’d taken my advice and called HR, and they told her exactly what I knew they were going to. At this point I could have (and probably should have) just forgotten about it and Oshiro would have given up, but I thought of a clever way to ruffle her feathers and I hate to pass up a joke.
“Hello friend!” I caught up with Oshiro just after dinner. “I had such a good time with you today, I feel like we got really close,” I said with one hand over my heart, reaching out gently. She glared at me. “Sleep well,” I said sweetly, skipping off to my cabin.
The next day, when were were assembling for our morning exercise, The Troll was mean mugging the shit out of me. “Hello friend!” I called, waving. Some of my coworkers snickered, wise to my snark, and Oshiro stormed to the front of the crowd to get things started before rejoining me.
“Bitch.” It wasn’t a friendly greeting.
“I’m really looking forward to working together today!” I said with a peppy hop and a clap. She glowered at me, but didn’t otherwise respond.
I had no idea why she was still determined to be my partner, until she tripped me during an obstacle course. Now that I think about it, that’s an odd activity for a corporate retreat. I work in a weird company. Anyway, after I tripped she had this self-satisfied grin, so I knew she did it on purpose. I gave her my winningest smile.
“Oops, I’m such a klutz. Thanks for trying to catch me.” That wiped the smug clean off her face.
I’m pretty sure that was supposed to be exercise day, because all the activities involved running around. The Troll kept trying to get at me, even going so far as to body check me, and every time I responded by praising her. By the last exercise she was all scowl. We were navigating some narrow platforms, supposedly with the help of our partners, but Oshiro did everything she could to knock me off. Thankfully my natural agility kept me up there, much to The Troll’s chagrin.
On the final stretch she stopped trying to be subtle, and basically threw me off the platform. I caught a pole with my hands on the way down, whipped around and landed on my feet with a roll. A lot of people saw and started clapping so I gave them a graceful bow. I heard Oshiro stomping down the platform above me. I didn’t see her again until after dinner, when she was barreling towards me with murder in her eyes. I waved with gusto.
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“Hello friend! Thanks for being so helpful today, I really couldn’t have done it without you,” I beamed.
“Go to hell, you fucking piece of shit.”
“I really hope we can hang out like this back at the office. I never knew you were such a sweetheart,” I batted my eyes and smiled cutely. She launched into a vulgar tirade, but I kept my obnoxiously friendly smile, nodding energetically.
The next thing I heard was a furious bellow, and I saw The Troll throwing herself at me with her tiny little fist leading the way. I sidestepped the blow easily, and she tumbled to the ground. I offered my hand.
“Upsy daisy, love. Let me help you.”
She slapped my hand away. “Fuck off.” There was a glistening of moisture in the corner of her eye, and to be honest I felt a sliver of sympathy for her. I huffed it away, and sauntered off with a lazy salute.
“So long, friend.”
Most people would have admitted defeat at this point, and when Oshiro started ignoring me the next day I assumed she had. With Oshiro out of the way, I teamed up with Alex again, and had a good time in spite of myself. We didn’t call her The Troll for nothing though, because she held onto that grudge all week. For the last exercise we were ‘randomly’ assigned teams to do a treasure hunt with the benefit of a map and compass. I ended up on a team by myself because mine was the last name out of the hat, most likely by design. When Oshiro handed me a map and compass she had a wicked grin that probably should have set some alarm bells ringing, but instead I just snatched them out of her hands and set off into the forest. I was suddenly very hungry and in a hurry to get back for dinner.
I walked through the thick underbrush, aware, somewhere in the back of my mind, this was off the beaten path. Initially, I thought Oshiro had decided to get revenge by sending me into the shrubbery, then I stumbled into a ravine. It was pretty deep, but in a mixed sort of blessing the thick vegetation kept my fall controlled and I landed more annoyed than injured. Also, slightly terrified, but I got over that quickly.
I’m no Ranger of Ithilien, but I can read a map pretty well, and I couldn’t find a trace of that ravine. That bitch Oshiro gave me the wrong map, and I’m willing to bet she knew about the damned ravine. If I hadn’t been so angry I would have owed Oshiro props for the devious, if somewhat dangerous, prank. I also would of had the mental clarity to realize my compass had been sabotaged before spending an hour walking a giant circle.
When I saw the ravine a second time, now cautious enough not to tumble headlong into it, I gave a primal scream. It probably sounded a little like “fuck.”
As the echo of my frustration began to clear, I heard a rustling to my left. I snapped towards it and found myself staring down a wolf. It had a beautiful grey coat with black and brown highlights. It looked wary, but determined. I’ve heard you aren’t supposed to stare down a wolf, that it might take it as a challenge. I decided that only applied to people who thought they would lose.
I hunched over a little, baring my teeth and letting out a growl. My arms were out, the map and compass clutched in each hand. Why did I still have that fucking map anyway? My eyes were locked on the wolf’s, only it didn’t seem interested in me. Its eyes were darting to the map. Now that I think about it, the paper did smell suspiciously delicious when I grabbed it. I guess that explains why a wolf to my left lunged at my hand, tearing the map from it and taking a chunk of flesh for good measure. I tried to strike back, but both wolves hightailed it out of there in seconds.
After the adrenaline wore off, deferred pain flooded in from my mangled hand. I dropped to my knees, clutching it to stop the bleeding. Fuck, it was my good hand, too; it would be a long time until I cast another sweet pirate to paper; that wouldn’t much help with my job, either. Why had that fucking Troll soaked my map in, I donno, meat sauce or some shit? The best answer I could think of was she hoped something like this would happen.
Normally I try to keep cool, but for attempted murder I can make an exception. The next time I saw Oshiro I was going to grind her throat in. As soon as I fixed that compass and found my way back to camp.
I had dropped the compass when the wolf attacked me, and when I couldn’t find it anywhere near my feet, I looked towards the ravine with dread in my gut. I carefully leaned over the edge, trying to see as far down as possible, and of course, there it was, at the bottom. Looking at my injured hand, I sighed and pulled off my shirt. I considered using my undershirt, but it was kind of grimy, and it would have been pretty embarrassing to walk into camp without it, considering my other shirt was a little transparent. I hated questions about the scars. I tore my shirt into strips, and used them to wrap my hand.
A quick test proved my hand was good enough to make it down the ravine, and I was sure I could make it back up. I reached the bottom with more difficulty than I expected, but otherwise unharmed. When I picked up the compass I had to restrain another scream. It was broken, and the magnetic strip that made it work was missing. I spent over an hour crawling through that trench, rummaging through every inch of moss and half rotten vegetation, only stopping when I ran out of light.
I looked at the tatters of shirt wrapped over my arm and realized I made a terrible mistake. It was going to be frigid tonight, and that shirt might have made a passable blanket. I was exhausted, ready to curl into a ball and die, but the last rays of light from the sun gave me hope. If I could make it through the night, I could use the sun to find east. With that sliver of optimism, I gathered up as much moss and vegetation as I could find, and made myself a little bed in the bottom of the ravine. I used the leftover strips of my shirt as a makeshift blanket and curled up for the night. Chilled to the bone, pain growing steadily in my arm, I’ve got to admit, I cried a little.
When I woke up and saw the faint glow of light, I felt a surge of happiness. Then I felt the moisture collecting in my bed. I rolled out from underneath the brush I used for cover, and stared up into the sky. It was grey, no clue to the origin of the diffused light in the sky. As I struggled to my feet, the fire in my hand brought out a whimper. I wandered the ravine floor, staring up in hope of some vague sign of the sun, but nothing.
I wasn’t sure I could climb the walls, not with the streaks of agony that ran through my arm with every motion. Shouldn’t have gone after that fucking compass, I know where the damn sun sets, I didn’t need that piece of shit anyway. To complicate the matter of climbing, the sides of the ravine were slick with moisture, and even if I made it up, there’s no guarantee I could find the sun. The canopy was thick, and to be sure I’d have to climb a tree, a herculean feat in my current state.
Normally I wasn’t the type to sit around and wait for a rescue, but in this case it was probably my best shot… only… Oshiro was still at the camp, and she’d be the one to tell any hypothetical rescue party where to look.
Perhaps she’d tell them…
I dropped to my knees. It took everything I had not to go the rest of the way. I was going to die.
I snarled, forcing myself to my feet, heaving, and trying to push the pain from my mind. I was thirsty. It would be best to wait until the sky cleared, then make my way back to camp. Meanwhile, I had to attend to the immediate task of survival. The first order of business is water “It’s always water, remember that!” His words rang though my head.
“Fuck you!”
Shit… that wasn’t a good sign, I didn’t want to remember… that’s why I was at the office… that’s why I-
Survival: water. I scraped the collected drops from as many leaves as I could, it tasted awful… familiar.
“Keep it together.”
I saw a bush with a coat of overripe berries. They were a vibrant red, that dangerous sort of red that usually means poison. Why didn’t I recognize them. “I told you to fucking read it!” Now hers, drilling ‘essential’ skills into my heart. For a moment I can feel a familiar sting across my face.
“I told you to go to hell!”
I felt my forehead, it was burning. Maybe a little poison was just what I needed. I walked up to the bush and scraped as many berries as I could find into a pile. I winced as I pulled the bandages away from my hand, foul air assaulted my senses. The cloth was useless now, so I tossed it as far as I could as I kneeled before my toxic harvest. Hopefully not too toxic though, all I really needed was the sugar, in high concentrations it acted as a preservative, which meant it killed bacteria. I crushed handful after handful over my arm, letting red juice run over the torn flesh. It was agonizing, and I wished I could believe the pain meant it was working, but only the sweet aroma told me this was even a long shot. What I really needed was some honey, its high sugar content and natural antibiotic properties made it one of the oldest salves.
I returned to my improvised bed and gathered up the remaining scraps of my shirt. This was going to be a cold night. I wiped as much of the red stain from my arm as I could with my undershirt, then cleaned the strips as best I could and wrapped them around my injured hand. With little else to do, I built a simple shelter with branches in the ravine. Inside I piled every available scrap of moss and loose foliage, hoping it would make better insulation than nothing at all. I crawled into the pile, wrapping myself in in a makeshift blanket of leaves with a meager glimpse of the sky.
I checked the view periodically, careful that none of my shifting drove my bad hand into the heap covering me. My last thought before I drifted off was that the pain in my arm seemed to be easing up, perhaps my long shot was going to pay off.
When I awoke it was pitch black, my arm still burned, my stomach rumbled with need, and I was freezing. With nothing to do about any of that, I wrapped some moss around my shoulder and slowly succumbed to sleep.
I woke, once again teased by the glow of the sky, but this time hope barely registered before I saw grey. Driven by fury from my childhood, I dragged myself out of my nest and to my feet. “That’s the only way to die Ashanti.”
“Stay out of my head you fucking degenerate hick!”
I dropped back to my knees, shuddering heaves trying to break my resolve. A glimmer of despair pooled in my eyes. With a deep breath I regained my feet. First, water (always). Then, shelter (already done). Then, fire (too moist). Then, health. I looked at my arm. The bandages were sticky, and I could smell a hint of rot. I went back to my possibly poisonous bush, not desperate enough to test it. I gathered up another pile of berries, this time with more difficulty as I’d already gotten the easy pickings. I peeled off my bandages and winced at a stab of pain.
I examined the guilty spot. It was the source of the odor as well, and would probably need to be lanced. This was a terrible place to do amateur surgery. With that thought I pulled a light blue knife from my pocket. It was small, dull, and mostly useless, but I always kept it with me as a reminder, the final chain of my past. I retracted the blade; it wasn’t stainless, but I kept it well oiled (an old habit) so the blade was free of rust. Good, I didn’t need tetanus to top it off. With a deep breath I plunged the knife into my wound, and pried it open. Warm and bloody pus oozed passed the knife and on to the ground, more than I expected. I dropped the blade, clenched my teeth and dug my fingers into the space behind the wound, forcing out even more of the putrid mess. After about a minute of working at the wound, the leaking mixture darkened into a deep red, and when I couldn’t get anything lighter out I wiped off my hand and pressed down on the wound to stop the blood.
I looked for my pile of hopefully antibiotic fruit and was surprised to discover that I was on my knees. I didn’t remember doing that. I also noticed that water was gushing down my face. “Upsy daisy little ember, you can’t do shit crying on your knees.”
“Go… go to hell, you Fucking Self-Righteous FUCK!” She’s the one who taught me how to fake sincerity. By example.
This wasn’t really the best day for me. I examined my hand. It was still leaking a trickle of blood. I looked down at my undershirt, and sighed as I ripped a few strips off the bottom. I had to struggle with it for a minute, but I finally got enough. I tried not to look at my now exposed skin, but I still glimpsed one of my scars. A rough, jagged edge, wandering from my waist to somewhere on my chest. Once again, I applied the liquid from the berries to my hand, trying not to wince as I worked some juice into the gash I’d just drained. I wrapped my hand and crawled back into my shelter. “Crawling, where’s your fucking dignity!”
“Bite me, dad.”
I slept in fits and starts, with a fair dose of fits, and starts. I barely noticed when day passed to night. My fever was getting worse, and I had the least amount of clothes yet. I don’t believe, but I still prayed for clear skies tomorrow.
My eyes open… is that… a ray of sun. I’m afraid to hope, but still, fresh energy fills my limbs and I escape my shelter with vigor.
“YES!” I scream, joy swells inside me. The sky is radiant blue. Tears again run down my face as I drop to my knees with laughter. I’m not out of the woods yet (literally), so I spring back to my feet. I feel pain everywhere, but couldn’t care less. The sides of the ravine look a little moist, but I’m able to struggle to the top, using the elbow on my bad arm to push myself up. I roll onto the ground above the ravine and take a moment to appreciate the sky. It reminds me of my knife. I check my pockets, and when I find it missing, I feel… nothing. I smile, and roll to my feet. I see it as soon as I look over the side, lying in a bloody mess.
“I don’t need you any more!” I yell, a trace of laughter. “Enjoy the last taste of my blood, you piece of shit!”
I sigh deeply, aware of my fever and the weakness in my limbs. It’s not time to celebrate. With a quick look at the path of the sun’s rays, I’m heading east. The going is slow, but imagining the look on The Troll’s face when she sees me alive gives me all the strength I need. I wonder what that crus-
A sound?
“Hey! Is someone out there?” It better not be those damned wolves again. I’m pretty sure in my state a house cat would have even odds in a fight. “I could use some help here!”
Nothing. I try again. “Hey!”
“Hello… friend…”