*It's my first work of this kind. Let me know what you think. Peace out and Deus vult*
Ten whole years. An entire decade. It all flew through his very fingers, fleeting and frail like a pillar of sand. Where did the time go? The question held no answer, at least none that could satisfy his thirst for knowledge. Ten years ago, that’s when he had finished university, ending a period of his life that left its mark on his very soul to this very day. Nothing could erase those carvings for him, not even his burning faith in the One above.
The sun was nothing but a reminder of the past, its light falling gently along his skin as his steps guided him slowly to one building that didn’t find its way in his memory. It had been a long time since he ventured into the city itself, let alone the specific area where the grand building awaited those who had once passed its open gates with cheers and memories in mind. Gone were those days, never to come back.
The people inside were nothing but reminders of the past, their very existence a ripple in time that carried more weight the longer it went. No one seemed to find him the same. Each gaze that fell upon him took in his aspect, the very shell that had remained, stark contrast to the living being he had been. Still, words were exchanged, glances went left and right, flying across with more intent than the very words that left their mouths. It was nothing but a play where anyone could take whatever role they desired. No one would bother to remember more. No one cared enough to remember more, to increase the load of memories on their back, their years growing heavier as they gathered more and more past.
His eyes scanned the room a few more times, oblivious to a specific corner that didn’t catch his eye. Perhaps that was his subconsciousness doing one last effort at preserving what was left of him. Still, cursed was his existence, cursed was his desire to scan every corner of what surrounded him, the habits never leaving no matter how much he tried ridding himself of them. There, in one corner, hidden by the world itself beneath the gentle rays of light that came in through the large window... there awaited a reminder of a future that had never been, his biggest regret and pleasure, the one being that tortured him to that very day.
Her presence had faded during the years, her voice still in his mind, her face clear as day even during the darkest nightmares that didn’t dare leave him alone. She was there, aged, marked by time with tiny lines that ran along her forehead, little spots on her once velvety skin, and an indescribable spark in her eyes that brought about hot winds from hell to haunt his soul. She had taken it all, so why even bother hell to look for it?
She didn’t look at him, blissfully unaware of the gaze that followed her gentle movements, reminiscing of the times those movements were made for him, aimed at him, done with nothing but the intent to soothe his being and quench the thirst for contact that seeded itself deep within.
To her side, hidden away from the world, a little soul of no fault, simply reaching up to the gentle touch of the one his past was tied to. Years had passed, but he saw echoes of their time together. The child made a few little noises that were drowned out by the world, yet her voice was there. She made herself heard, even through the chaos spread out in the room.
His eyes followed the interaction between old and new, past and future intertwined in more ways than one before his very eyes. To the side, playing in the light, he saw the image of his younger self, standing there with a proud smile on his face. No, it wasn’t real. He wasn’t there.
With a simple laugh, she happened to turn his way, meeting his eyes with her own. Silence. Pure and utter silence in the middle of a raging tempest that swallowed his mind, dragging it to the deepest pits of hell where nothing but fire would try to get in and wreck him. Wreck what? He’s already been wrecked.
“Oh... it’s you...”
Her voice was soft, much more feminine, ages of growth added to it like condiments in a dish. That softness made him weak in the knees.
“Yeah... me...”
He took a few steps closer, getting a better look at her light blonde hair, the same color he had grown used to all those years ago. It didn’t change at all, not even in length. It still hung at shoulder level, looking just a shade darker than her pale skin.
“How have you been?”
She listened to him speak, taking little to see how much he had changed. His tone lost its light, lacking the life it once had. Sound came out, but it had no vibration to it—a simple, constant sound at a frequency that made him human just a little. Still, she didn’t let it be betrayed in her gaze. She knew as much as him.
“I’ve been... fine...”
She looked over to the stroller, hearing the soft sounds that came from within. His eyes darted there too, meeting the tiny stare of a pure soul. It held more life than he’d ever have.
“This is my daughter, Sophia.”
He gave a quick nod, sluggishly looking back at her.
“Congratulations...”
Instead of a smile, he was met by a silent look and thin lips pressed together. That was no expression from a joyous mother who had been blessed with a child. No. That was the gaze of someone lost, of someone whose mistakes caught up to them in the end.
“Thank you.”
The sole question remaining was obvious. He looked around, thinking that the father was sitting somewhere to the side, looking over his wife and daughter from afar. No single man looked their way. No one.
She could notice it, the confusion subtly etched on his otherwise blank face. The strain on her heart was there, and she knew it more than anyone else. What he looked for was obvious, but she couldn’t take it.
“I’m single... it’s just me and Sophia...”
Pause. He stopped looking around, instead focusing back on her and the child, who was staring up at them with big, round eyes that drank in the colors of the world around.
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“Single? I see...”
He said nothing more, letting the words linger in the air. Where was the side of him that would have questioned? The side of him that would have tried to console her, to figure out the story behind the conclusion. She knew where that side of him was.
“It was my mistake. I have done some things I regret, and now I carry the consequences of my actions.”
She was quick to admit it, which scared both of them. Still, it was the same as in the past. His presence, dulled as it has become, carried along traces of the trust that had once been, fragments that remained behind. After all, her trust in him was never the broken one, but his was. Nonetheless, her heart calmed down in his vicinity, taking a moment to finally replenish its energy.
Words were stuck in her throat, actions clashing together in her mind, trying to express themselves in a hectic order that had neither reason nor emotion. It was an instinct to try and do what should have been done long ago. It was too late.
“Well, at least you have her. How is it going with raising her?”
Once again, the frequency in his tone never shifted. It haunted her to hear his voice as nothing but a single note that kept going as the lips moved.
“Well, being a single mom is certainly difficult. I have my ups and downs, but she’s my ray of sunshine, and I would never trade her away.”
She looked within the stroller, carrying on the softest smile he had ever seen. The other softest was from her, but ten years younger. Nothing changed about it when she put pure sincerity into it. Nothing.
“I’m glad you managed to push through. It must be difficult indeed...”
Suddenly, the light was playing tricks on him again. Both of them, young, standing together before his very eyes, the child between them. He wiped his eyes, feeling his mind strain itself to function. Instantly, he was back in reality—nothing but her and the kid in front of him. Slowly, a sense of dread crawled up his back, his legs weak. He showed no signs, that’s the one thing he had learned to do like no one else.
“It is difficult, I’d be lying to say no, but nothing is too difficult when you do it for someone.”
Those words sounded so hypocritical in his ears when they came from her. They carried a weight that he’d never be able to explain in words or actions, but they were simply unsuited to stay on her lips. It was like throwing clean water in the darkest puddle. It only got dirty.
He bit back whatever words wished to come out, not like they were going to do so either way. It had been far too long since anything managed to rile him up and bring out a stupefied bit of life. Silence fell between them, carrying the weight of a decade spent apart.
Slowly, her gaze met his, searching for something that she knew she wouldn’t find. After all, he had lost it on that day, all those years ago. Still, with a hint of hope, the spark in her eye tried to find its match in his. Hollow. Dark. It found no traces of life. Indeed, she knew why, and she carried that sin along with her, no matter where life took her. It was her own choice that led there, and her own choice would throw him back in hell. She had to get it off of her chest.
“I missed you...”
The words blurred around him, spinning senselessly in all directions, a pure embodiment of chaos. His legs were gone, numb, but he stood. Somehow, despite it all, he stood. It was nothing but the past playing out again before his very eyes, the blur and vertigo all too familiar despite the ten long years since his last meeting with those feelings.
“You... you don’t...”
He was too weak to actually refute her words, but he tried. He had to, for the past and the present, he had to stand up once more despite the pain, despite it all.
What pain? It was all he knew—something that never left him. That’s not pain, that’s purely normalcy for a heart like his. Cold was the wave of emotions that grabbed him whole, dragging him out of the haze of his own mind and back into the plane of the living.
“I did... and I still do... I miss you...”
Her eyes were tender, filled with anguish and a few pure sparks that lingered beneath a thin layer of tears that didn’t fall. For a moment, he saw her. Not her of the present, but the her that he knew, the her that he had fallen for so madly, the girl that he had lost so long ago.
“Why didn’t you ever reach out?”
The words were cold, spoken in the same single frequency noise he called voice. The weight of that question could singlehandedly turn him to nothingness under the load.
The trail of regret ran deep in her being, sinking into her very core. Could she actually provide an answer? Did she even have one that made more sense for him, something that went beyond the simplicity of old times? The truth was... not even she knew about why those actions never came to her before. The feeling was there, but reaching out? It felt so foreign. Maybe guilt held her back, but no answer was clear.
“I... I don’t know... I guess I was just... too scared to do it...”
He gave a light nod, taking it in stride. It was one of the same shallow excuses that he was left with all that time ago, nothing with sense, everything without it. His eyes once again went to the child, and he kept thinking slowly and deliberately about what could have led her down that path. The girl he knew was nothing like that. She was delicate, like the most tender flower amidst the frozen landscape in both body and soul.
The past and present overlapped once more before he could open his mouth, offering once again a glimpse into the period his soul yearned for. Without it, he is nothing. With it, he was everything. Blink. His eyes opened to no traces of it, but the confusion remained.
“How did you end up alone with a child?”
In the way he knew it, most probably some twisted man took advantage of her gentle nature, managed to sneak beneath her skin, got her pregnant, then left. Still, the moments of hesitation, the subtle shift in her body as her lips pursed together softly—it all didn’t make sense. Hesitation in such a case.
His body was weak again, threatening to shut off his mind one way or another before it would shut off forever.
He didn’t let it stop him, standing with more strength than before.
“I... I was in a difficult period... we just had her... he was busy with work... I was stressed out of my mind, and I just... needed... to feel something else...”
If the sky could cry for him, blood would fall to the ground for years to come. What tiny bits of his heart were alive chose to die with those very words, remaining a thing of the past. It killed him again to know that the woman he had loved so much reached that point.
His nails dug in his palms, working together with his muscles to stop him from letting out tears in front of everyone. The conversation was only theirs, but the sights were for everyone who looked their way. She could see the conflict, wishing to reach out, but she held no right to.
The woman he loved was dead.
Those words whispered themselves over and over in his mind, like the hushing of wind against the trees coming in from every possible direction.
“I see...”
The words came out softly, not to judge but just to confirm. His eyes moved to the stroller once more, glancing over to little Sophia, who had no clue why things went the way they did, not even understanding what things were going what way. To be so blissfully unaware was both a blessing and a curse.
She followed his sight, looking at her by his side. The reflection in the window was just a poor reminder of what had been a promise, only to end up broken. With his heart fully succumbed to its wounds, his feet slowly pointed to the door.
“Are you leaving?”
He gave a simple nod, barely able to talk.
“Yes... I am... was nice seeing you...”
For a moment, he hesitated, torn by his own existence that he so dreaded. Everything was pure chaos, both in his mind and in the world around him. Her story simply ended him completely, all traces of the man he had been gone.
Light and feeble, each step came in a little faster than the other, trying to get him away from the last reminders of a darkened past.