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A New Determination

Robin froze in disbelief. He wanted to run away from reality, from his father's words.

His body trembled; his eye's teary. He wanted to cry as he kneels on the ground and blaming none but himself.

However, Robin couldn't do it. At this moment, he can't help but remember his father's speech about what defines a man.

They didn't cry; they swallowed it all up and used it as a weapon toward those who had stolen everything from them.

He held back his feelings, keeping his disappointment tucked in his throat with all his might until the doorknob was snatched from his hand.

His father appeared. The topless man stared at the crying Robin with anger before spitting in front of Robin and walking away.

Robin was silent for a while until he decided to step inside their cold family's home. He closed the door behind him, then joined his mother sitting on the sofa.

The woman who loved him so looked at Robin with pity as she strokes his blonde hair. A Soft, simple, and warm gesture he always liked.

Yet, Robin can only hate himself for not being able to fully enjoy his mother's love. All he could do was think of his father's angry and disappointed gaze.

"Mom." A gaze that made Robin, "What does it mean to be ..." Opened his mouth, "... a man?" And throws a question to his sweet mother.

A question that silenced his mother. Not a single strand of her long black braided hair or even clothes moved.

Robin's mother is petrified momentarily before regaining consciousness and then continuing all movements.

In his mother's head, there are so many words that come up to describe a man. However, none of these words define Robin.

This led them to silence and an awkward smile. Seeing such a smile etched on the woman's face, Robin's only response is guilt.

He knew very well that his mother didn't want to hurt Robin's feelings. After all, Robin already knew the answer to his own question. He could already imagine it since he asked.

His father is a man.

Mighty, brave, and stubborn with a tall and muscular body full of wounds from the training and warfare that his father had been through.

It was clear to Robin that he wasn't all three. Robin is weak; he is afraid of the dark and can easily be dragged into anything.

His body was thin and short; his skin was white, smooth, and soft. His face was oval, his chin's not firm, his Adam's apple could hardly be seen.

He is anything but a man, everything that's excluded from the definition of a man himself. In fact, many people would argue that Robin is the opposite of a man.

From his long hair to his shallow note, no one would suspect Robin of being a man even if he wore masculine clothes in front of them.

"Maybe that's the problem ..." Robin whispered.

Inviting the attention of his mother, who then asked, "What's the problem, honey?" Surprising Robin, who didn't listen to himself.

His desire to hide his plans from his mother, "I ..." Was crushed after seeing the genuine concern on his mother's face, "... Would he be proud of me if I become a man?"

Like an innocent child who doesn't know anything, Robin's asked with a serious tone.

Even his mother, who can read all kinds of clues in Robin's body, eyes, and voice, couldn't find a shred of doubt in her son's heart.

Robin is serious, Demeter thought as she continued thinking about what to say next.

She could say yes to Robin's question, seeing how that was what her husband wanted in the first place.

However, doing so meant weighing his son with something he was not built for.

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Demeter's child is unique, and she doesn't want to see her love and pride cut off his wings just because her stupid husband doesn't like to see an angel in their house.

Demeter opened her mouth, then closed it again, trying to find the best words and things to say.

Until finally, after so much deliberation about how she shouldn't lie to her flesh and blood, Demeter nodded, and Robin smiled understandingly.

Demeter often saw the boy put on a smile like that, "So ..." A yielding smile, "Are you going to do it?" But not a giving up one.

Robin's thoughts and ideas were not something that Demeter could read in detail. Still, Demeter at least knew that now Robin would try harder to satisfy his father.

And sure enough, Robin will.

He nodded in response to his mother's question, turning his yielding smile into a big one to hide any kind of fear and disappointment.

He held his tears on the emotional dam, didn't want them to fall, and violate his father's definition of what a manly man's qualities were.

"Thank you, mom." Robin held his mother's hand, pulled the hand away from his golden hair.

The mother was silent for a while before smiling empathetically, "How about dinner?" And move their topic to something lighter.

Robin excitedly agrees. He quickly walked to the empty kitchen and sat on the chair he had been sitting on since he was a child.

His mother, who followed behind, began arranging the food on the table. Every now and then, she glanced at Robin, who looked so happy with his new determination to become a man.

After finishing the food arrangement, Robin's mother sat beside Robin.

Their dinner for the umpteenth time started and ended without his father at the table.

However, Robin believes his decision tonight will quickly change all this. Soon, he will be able to reunite this beloved family of his.

Robin ate until he was full, then he washes up before going to sleep, ready to do everything he could to achieve his new want.

And like a sign, the dream that had haunted him for a little more than a decade had changed.

This time, Robin could clearly hear his wish, could easily see an invitation letter given to him by a red, crooked, and broken hand.

The creature's other feature was covered in a mist white as their empty surroundings.

Robin should've been afraid. He should've denied the letter, but he took it.

The wax-sealed letter glowed for a moment, then its details changed. Now, the wax seal has a particular motif, a small circle inside a larger one.

Intrigued, Robin opened the letter. Written inside:

"Robin Andemo,

We know of your destiny, of the red thread of fate that binds you, and we must confess: we sympathize with your situation.

Yet, we cannot help you, not if you are still where you are standing now. Our strengths, our abilities, can only be used in certain places.

And because of that, we invite you to our humble home in the center of the world.

Don't be late, my friend. Because twenty other people are in the same situation as you, and we can only grant one wish.

Whatever that wish might be.

Sincerely, Hidel"

Robin then saw the silhouettes of other people appearing around him, each one of them so different, from the color to the shape of their shadows.

A woman, a man. Adults, children. Blood red, natural green. They were twisting and turning, circling Robin as if threatening to take his place.

Taking his only chance to bring his family together, becoming a man his father would be proud of.

Robin opened his eyes, breathless from the dream that seemed so real. He looked out the window to find the sun already high in the sky, so high that it was too late for school.

No, no, no! Robin cursed in his heart, quickly jumping out of bed without care about the bath he usually takes.

The university must have been waiting and looking for him, especially the gatekeeper who Robin always greeted, so must be the people at the commercial area Robin often walked by.

Moreover, today's teacher is the most ferocious in the university. It will be tough for Robin to get good grades or even pass if the said teacher remembers his name the wrong way.

Thought after thought, worry after worry, kept Robin company as he hastily put on his uniform and combed his hair before the mirror wakes him.

Robin's petrified in front of the mirror as if he was Medusa who accidentally saw his own form.

All the worry that he felt was erased by the flowing tears.

His second failure today from fulfilling his father's wish for Robin to meet the standard that his father had been setting for him and every other man.

Slowly, Robin took off his clothes. He re-opened the wardrobe, searching for far more masculine clothes than what he was wearing before.

However, Robin found nothing. None of his clothes were masculine. Most of them are gender-neutral clothes that lean more towards the feminine, while the rest are feminine clothing.

Robin paused for a moment staring at them all, reminded once again of the fact that whatever he was trying to pursue now was the opposite of everything he loved.

Robin shook his head, trying to shoo away the love he had for all the things he owns.

Robin understood that this is part of his journey, the sacrifice of his identity.

Robin unwillingly chose the most neutral outfit he had and stared at the mirror. He still looked feminine, and Robin felt there was only one thing that could cause it.

His long hair.

Robin held his beloved natural tiara, his shining long golden hair that even the sun's light envy.

Robin stroked his hair gently, remembering the reason he grew his hair in the first place.

Then he let go of it as his feet moved.

Bringing him into the kitchen looking for a sharp object, wanting to do what he was so afraid to do.

As he held the object, doubt filled Robin yet again. He knew what he was about to do can't be reversed; he realizes it will end him.

Yet, even so, Robin had no choice. He forced himself to walk backs to his mirror. Once again, Robin looked at himself, at his trembling hand as he aimed the knife at his hair.

He brought the sharp weapon closer, ready.

Then, "Robin!" A voice stopped him.