Who am I? What is the reason for life, if not to wait for death? Questions we regularly ask ourselves during dark times. At almost 240 rotations around the sun on this little blue marble, time to me is vast, chaotic, and uncertain as the universe. Life has no deep meaning, no great destiny to be fulfilled, it is just a random chance of chemistry.
Today we can travel to Mars, manipulate the genes of our unborn, rain war, and oppression on each other and even wield the power of gods. The disparity between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ is staggering and there is no better measure of this than by lifespan, with haves living five or even ten times longer than the oppressed have nots.
I come from the haves with needs provided for and toiling something that others do. While we all claim otherwise, we see the size of our heads to be larger than that of the have nots thus it is in the DNA that we have. Where that is taught I cannot recall but, on a subconscious level, we believe it even when we try to see it for what it is: slavery.
When my sister died, she was younger than me at the time but knew what she was meant to do with her life. She fought the oppression of others, freeing people from their taskmasters so that they could create their own destiny. I was so proud of her but did not have the strength myself to do as she had done and lost her life fighting for. Myself, I went to school and studied hard to graduate near the top of my class, travelled, and built homes for those destroyed by war. That was my contribution to my sister’s legacy, helping those who have their freedom maintain it with a place to call their own.
Mother how she lived, enjoying the excitement of each moment to its fullest – even when sad she found a reason to be happy. She loved everyone, even those that disliked her for the sanguine spirit she was; she loved them because they needed her love more than ever. I have tried following her example of finding love wherever I went but something is missing – the meaning. I still have not found the meaning of life.
*
It was a warm day for the time of rotation, the sky clear, and the sun reflecting its heat on the white stone of the neighbouring houses. A breeze came in through the window bringing the salt air of the sea, a momentary respite to the scent of herbs, and wax sealing in Mother’s wrapped body. It is hard to mourn someone who has lived for almost 600 rotations, travelled the world, and written books about what she saw. She embraced life like no one else I have known, and I miss her exuberance for life and the energy she had getting up for each new day.
A fairy sprite came in through the window and fluttered around the room before landing on the sill, looking at the water bucket still next to me and the wrapped body on the table. Like a human dragonfly the size of my forearm, he seems hyper thin despite his minute size. “Sorrow for your loss, may I help with the cleanup? I will do it complementary for today in respect to Leia who was always very generous and kind.”
I politely nodded and picked up the bucket for myself as, while fairies are known for being able to pick up ten times their own weight, it is not good for them to do so. I leaned the bucket out the window, pouring it carefully into the drainage system – a marvellous civil design from stone going back centuries and still working today, with little need for maintenance.
Turning back into the room, the young sprite fluttered around making quick work of the tidying and had already put the implements of my work away; but he still every so often turned and looked sadly at Mothers remains. Hard to imagine that some people believe that these gentle little creatures are ingredients for cures and medicine (leading in many parts of the world to their being nearly extinct – even here they are in danger from trafficking, to be killed for a black market buck).
Before he could finish and leave, I stepped over to the cupboard where I had noticed Mother had kept the nuts. There was still a large bag there, “here for you and your family as I don’t know when this place will be occupied again, and there is no point in these going bad.”
His eyes were bright and it almost seemed like a tear would form. “Thank you, but that is more than I can carry home as I have other places to go after this.”
“I can take it over for you.” It really would not take me long to walk up to the tree where they live on the edge of town before people arrive.
“There is no need for you to go out of your way, I can come back with a couple of my sons and pick it up tonight.” He finished sweeping the floor and started wiping the hard surfaces with soda water, not stopping from his duties. Hard workers get little respect, at best treated poorly when they deserve more.
“An even better idea if you can, bring your family over this evening for the wake, and you can take it home with you after.” Why did I not think of it sooner – it would be what my mother would want and there was a relationship there I had overlooked, a daily companion of hers. I might just be as bad as those who see these little people as nothing beyond a resource, to not have considered them friends. Just giving them extra food does not make up for looking down on them or ignoring their existence.
“Thank you, I will let my missus know – she will be thrilled of the opportunity to pay her respects.”
It was not long before he was done and out the window again, with a nod and promise to be back again later. There was not much left for me to do but get washed up and changed for tonight. I walked up the spiral stairs that Mother loved, as it reminded her of travelling on airships and was like having a piece of that at home. Upstairs was small and compact, much like the downstairs, with two simple rooms and a wet room above the open plan of the kitchen and guest room below. Here she had just her bed and a large number of chests of different sizes and shelves, holding souvenirs of her travels; her two rewards for writing displayed opposite her bed giving encouragement to each day she got up.
It had been hard growing up, living in various places that normally would be dangerous and incompatible to a comfortable life. It was an experience to strengthen us for any of life’s challenges that would come our way. My eldest sister Hana, angry with the slavery of the weaker people of society, took up arms and after a few successful campaigns were never heard from or seen again. What happened to her a few decades ago is unknown, but Mother had said she was dead, and it’s hard to imagine any other scenario. She was only 247 when she disappeared but she joined an impossible fight. As hard as life is in slavery, many will rather be bullied and protected than make their own choices through life. Like any other animal, humanity will suffer much as long as it comes with food at the end.
A noble fight that continues today but not one I wish to get involved with – if possible as an Engineer I will go out and rebuild after the fight has finished and ensured the survivors can have a safe home to build their new lives from. I may not have my sister’s physical strength or courage but different Fathers can do that. I got my Mother's logical mind – what I got from my Father I don’t know; she never spoke much about him other than that, “He is a fascinating and very busy man but would also be very proud.”
Just as I put the final tie in place to my yellow dress, the first knock came at the door. Uncle Niale came in carrying an overnight bag – like, of course, he can stay here, there is room now. Plus the small island doesn’t offer much for visitors and mostly just caters to the locals, forcing visitors to stay on whatever transport they arrived in. Any that would brave the ocean to this remote location would have that capacity and not need a place on the island.
I definitely take after him, with the unruly brown, curly hair and large brown eyes and low cheekbones. It is hard to imagine the straight blond hair, blue eyes and distinguished facial features of my Mother had any genetic similarities to me. The only thing that was the same between us was the large narrow nose that juts out like a right-angled triangle.
“Hey Eva, how have you been?” He had aged a lot the last few rotations like much had gone on in North Atlantia, which was feeling the pressure of the revolt in the Middle East and the resulting exodus of displaced refugees. But no time to think on politics: we are family and hugs are what are in order when we see each other, the reality can wait until drinks get poured. A hug with Uncle Niale is like one would imagine with a chubby bear that likes to squeeze tight, but not so much that you cannot breathe.
“Been better, been worse. Overall doing alright.” Pretty much the truth in the stock answer I always give. The last couple of rotations, events have already been told to him on calls to chat and keep in touch. Boyfriends come and go and work is always moving, but I have not had any new revelations about life. “How about yourself, where is the rest of the family?”
“They’re staying home too much going on for both of us to come so left little Issac with his so I could take the overnight supplies flight here and take it back on the mid-morn. Sorry, we are not able to really hang out as long as I would like us too, it has been a few rotations now since your graduation.” Translation, resources are low, and he had to call in favours to get himself over here and the easiest way is by hitching a ride with the logistics transport. Language is complex and with a few changes in the words, the truth can be told that has a meaning that protects one’s sense of pride or reality.
There is room for both of us so motioning behind me with a side step to allow him passage replied; “Go ahead and take your bag upstairs if you are leaving in the morning just to give you a heads up the water in the morning will be cold but I just had a quick shower and won’t need it then.”
Just as he got up the stairs and out of sight, another knock came on the door. This time it was Mothers on again off again lover from down the road John. He settled here as well after a long absence where they lost touch, but always the romantic saw it as destiny that they met up again. “Hello Eva, I saw Niale walk past just now and thought I would stop in a little early.” His tall form dwarfed the door and he had to slouch his way through and was almost bent over making the normal-sized room seem like a child's playhouse.
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“Yes, he is, come on in.” I motioned him into the room and went to put on the water for some tea.
He sat down next to mom and put his hand on the wrapped hand of hers. “You did a great job on the wrapping, a priest wouldn’t have been able to do better.”
Not responding back, I stood there letting him have his moment while tears rolled freely down his face. There is never anything to say in these moments, we will all miss her. She is on her way to her next adventure one that we will also one day make across the stars.
Uncle Niale came down and they began talking about the latest news going on around the world and how the Gods are getting involved with the fighting adding massively to the devastation that us mere mortals can accomplish. As such it is creating much suffering and those who can survive on foot trying to get away to be shunned and feared by those that call themselves cultured.
The Eerons have been unhappy with the uprisings and losing slaves, many of the new cities I have worked on have been smoked out and destroyed after butchering the residence. In order to rebuild their slaves, they have taken to raiding Horn for giants and breading half-giants to work in their mines and factories. There is the rumour that some of the gods are involved in equipping the Eerons for their losses sustained in the revolts.
As long as people fight people, nations fight nations and gods fight gods no one will be victorious. While the conversation was a relief from the immediate loss it only made us even more depressed.
Finally, another knock came on the door and it was one of Mothers neighbours and soon the place was crammed with well-wishers. Uncle Niale, recounting tales of her growing up and bouncing from one dream to the next even then not happy with just doing one thing with her life. Various friends from different decades recounting her different adventures whether it was John recounting the time they took off to explore caves or Heida accounting the pulsar they discovered together while at the Median observatory.
I had heard the stories before and while it is tradition to speak remembrance to say farewell to the departed so they remember who they are after they cross the river to the afterlife. It was cheerful and uplifting to me to hear others who knew her well speak of the good times so that is what we take from our time with her and not the pain of her going.
When the fairies arrived bringing peanut squares, it created a bit of awkwardness not because of the already crowded room but that no one had even thought of them. To be honest even I had been part of this prejudice not even thinking to know that the gentlemen who had been doing the cleaning earlier were called Jason and his lovely wife Julie who helped carry the baked goods on a platter with a bunch of other young ones helping out most still rather small. But Mothers’ heart had been fond of everyone half-giants big and fairies small, so fitting that all are represented here tonight.
Before I knew it, the sun was setting, and it was time for us all to head out and send her off. I felt like I had left my body and was an observer to the festivities, when I, Niale, John and an old friend of hers Dana pick her up and carried her out through the streets to the pyre on the high hill. It seemed surreal we never had a body to send off with my sister so this was the first funeral of someone of my immediate family.
As we walked more from the community came out to join the procession. No words of the mind are spoken but conversations of the heart only heard in silence but are the true voice of the soul give way as we walk. The white stone street and houses reflecting the pinkish red of the sunset beside us, part to reveal the final hill up. Crops on either side of the path are looked after by the locals to feed the island of something other than fish, will get a boost of nutrients washed down to them tonight. Up at the tree line, sits the already prepared pyre bed for Mother to spend her final moments on earth.
When you turn to look back you see the view that brought my Mother here to stay as the final rays of the sun touch the town to violet the water sparkle like gems from the moon and the setting sun. The trees on your back, standing firm like an army protecting you. There is something truly magical about this spot and makes sense that for centuries this is the place on the island chosen to send off its departed to the stars.
Time does not matter here, the passage goes by without thought recognizing the changes of events, so seems to stop. Watching the fire burn and the smell of the herbs blowing in the smoke around us was like being wrapped in a warm group embrace sharing in our love for a great woman. The sky was clear giving her a bright open path to follow up to the stars.
The voice of her mother came to me as if on the wind but straight into my mind as if it was some psychosomatic event. ‘Seek out your Father he is waiting for you at the holy mountain.’ Pictures flooded my mind of a gentle-looking man with dark hair and almond black eyes, some of my sister and I grew up and of John, aunts and uncles and others who I didn’t know, like the catalogue of Mothers happy memories of her life.
“Eva... Eva.” “Is she breathing.” “Move her away from the fire.”
There was a bustle of activity around me as I look up to see faces staring down at me their worried faces in the dancing flames of the fire looked unnerving supernatural. The pain in my head was either a sign that I had hit my head on a rock or that was Mother and something special had just happened.
Raising my hand to show I was alright felt heavy like it had grown roots to the ground, my body was the same and with help from John and Uncle Niale I managed to stand up. “Everyone I am ok, just a little too much smoke and too little sleep”. I was hardly convincing to my own ears let alone those around but Uncle Niale started moving me back from the fire and I squeezed his hand in response, “No I still want to stand close to the fire until it goes out.”
That is what we did sitting near the fire in quiet reflection, as the night grew long well-wishers who had come relieved themselves of the night to head back home to rest after saying their farewells. As the stars turned to the final quarter before dawn it was just John and Uncle Niale on either side of me and the fading light of the pyre still burning.
“Where was Mother when I was conceived?”
They both looked at each other like there was a conversation briefly between the two men before John answered first: “Before my time but based on her published writings of that time somewhere in Bharat likely.”
“But it is not important” interjected Uncle Niale “despite some questionable studies, your genetics don’t makeup who you are it is those that influence your decisions.”
“I guess the real question is why you are asking now when it was never a question when you were growing up? I always thought you saw me as your Father and I enjoyed playing the part.”
“It is not that” I wanted to reassure him that he was not being replaced, he was a Father figure in my life along with a few other men that came along the way before they were gone, but he was one that came and went a few times in my life so in one way the most consistent Father figure I had. Even as an adult now his chest is too large for me to hug so as I did as a child hugged his forearm to show him that he was not replaceable. “It was Mothers final wish before she left that I find him, her words were ‘Seek out your Father, he is waiting for you’.”
“I don’t have anything to add, I don’t meddle into my sisters or any woman’s love affairs as long as she was happy and healthy is all I cared about. Bringing you into the world was a happy time and a ‘little unexpected miracle’ to her so we were all happy, and still are.”
“There was always a light about you, and I think it made your sister Elisa jealous and drove her to attempt the impossible that ended her life. You were both loved deeply by your Mother and it pained her a lot when Elisa went missing but days before we had heard then news of Elisa’s disappearance in the battlefield, she knew the bond that linked her to her oldest daughter was severed from the world. The universe may be vast but not even it cannot separate a Mother’s bond from her children.”
The light of the stars and the fire soon faded to the morning dawn at some point I must have dozed off as it seemed to go like a switch from night to morning. Nothing remained of Mother except for the smouldering ashes and coals of burnt wood. The rain would at some point wash the nutrients down the hill to feed the fields for farming and feed a new generation. It was the cycle of life we are born, we live, and we die. What remains is memories we shared with others and the sustenance to feed the plants for those still living to eat.
Uncle Niale got up and stretched with a loud yawn “I better be going the flight out of here will leave soon and responsibilities back home await.” John doused the remaining embers with water, and we headed back down the hill to town. “What do you plan on doing setting off to find your Father, or heading back to work?”
“I have been wanting to do some travelling, and this is as good a time and reason as any. Plus, I am rather curious and finding out about my Father may inform me of tendencies for medical conditions down the line.” A weak reason but as good as any I mean a better question would be ‘why he never wrote or made any attempt to keep in touch’. Mother just implied that he knew of my existence so not like I was a secret from him why not at least make an effort to know me.
John broke my internal thought as if reading my growing anger on my face, “Yep just clinical curiosity written on your face.” I was never angry with Father before, mostly because Mother talked about him in the past tense to suggest he had died. With a sigh, John put his hand on my head and ruffled my hair like I was still a kid and his height to my height I might as well be, but still had to made me irritated. I was taller than most girls as tall or taller than many boys but standing next to a half-giant must be how fairies feel.
Uncle Niale pushed Johns hand away and glared at him on my behalf. “Whether you go east or west you will run into social unrest but if you hurry packing, I might be able to get you onboard the cargo flight east it will be the long way around crossing two continents but you can stop in with me and see the family.”
“As nice as that will be, I do not think I will be ready in time, there will be another ship or flight in a few days I am sure. Plus, I have always wanted to go to Reyu and see the temple city that sings so that I could study the stonework. I can make it a personal pilgrimage maybe even build my own boat and see the world myself like mom used too.”
“NO!” Simultaneously echoed from both men like I had suggested throwing aluminium iron oxide in a fire.
“Allow me to clarify” John cleared his throat to remove the squeak from his voice. “While in peaceful circumstances I would agree it sounds like an amazing adventure, but you should go with someone and I already have a boat and some spare time. I promise not to get in the way but will act as a backup in case things get dangerous.”
“Well always better in numbers.” I looked to Uncle Niale who gave a shrug and sideways nod, while his response both verbal and not showed he was fine with Johns suggestion, I sensed a hint of sorrow that he wouldn’t be able to go as well.
There were no arguments that I could form to not go with John and even if I had a single good one, I would not convince either of them. After losing my sister to war I better not take risks and make them worry. Even if I promised to call every day to let them know I was fine, all the times I was not calling them would be a worry. Really it was an easy choice I would go with John.
Before I knew it, we were back at mom’s house, the talk of planning this journey made the time slip by. Uncle Niale had a quick shower and was out the door with a long hug and kiss on the forehead. John had gone back to his place to make arrangements for the trip all I had to do was sort the treasure troves of Mother’s personal belongings and what was going to be done with them.