Two huge stages were prepared for the performances aimed to raise the troops' morale at the Democratic and Islamic bases. The soldiers of the two armies watched the enemy soldiers with binoculars and made obscene gestures followed by bursts of laughter only to see the opponent do the same, but with greater ferocity. Suddenly four Islamic soldiers left their base in a Jeep with a small American and a huge white flag on it and drove towards the Democratic base. The Democratic soldiers guarding the gate noticed the approaching jeep. They shook with fear and became hysterical and with their knees knocking, reported to the new base commander, Shane Brenston called by all “Stone.”
“Hello Colonel, this is Jack Flash, the guard. I see an Islamic jeep with four Islamic soldiers with a white flag. It is approaching the base. What do we do? Spray them? Run away from them?”
Barney sat close to the Colonel and like everyone else, he heard the message that made him jump due to his fears and traumas and he screamed:
“I know what it is, it is a trap. The Islamic troops want to blow their car up and kill me. I am leaving this base right away, God help us.”
Colonel Stone laughed out loud.
“Shut up, Barney.” He held Barney tight to keep him from running. “Stop this panic!” He answered the guard: “Thank you Jack, the jumper, don’t shoot them but don’t start dancing Hip-Hop with them either. Let them approach the gate and then keep them at a safe distance. I will be right there. Tell your other people to wait, I'm on my way. In addition, I already sent you the bomb squad, to examine the jeep for explosives or anything similar; make sure they are unarmed.”
The jeep arrived, parked near the gate guard who was shaking with fear and hid inside the booth with his friends while the Islamic soldiers who got out of the jeep were also trembling, pale, with their hands raised upwards. The squad quickly examined the jeep and the soldiers. Stone and the officers’ team carefully approached the gate. The commander of the squad yelled:
“Colonel, we examined the jeep. These dumb soldiers are unarmed, and their car is not rigged. It's all clear."
Barney, Stone, and the officers came through the gate cautiously and stood some distance from the Islamic soldiers, who in turn were sure that the Democrats were going to shoot them at any minute.
Stone addressed the Islamic soldiers:
“Hello, I’m Colonel Stone, the Commander of the base. Any of you speak English?”
To his great surprise, all the Islamic soldiers nodded their heads and yelled enthusiastically.
“We speak English, God bless America-yes, American Idol, yes? President Monro, Paris Hilton, yes? Mcdonald's, yes?” Barney said sharply:
“Why did you come? To spy on us, to check on us, to annoy us?” Everyone burst into laughter making Barney feel that they were making fun of him and that angered him. Stone waved a finger at him signaling him to shut up while one of the Islamic soldiers answered:
“No, no, do not worry. As you can see, we do not carry any weapons or explosives. We did not mean to spy on you or bother you. We came here at the request of our Commander, Colonel Ahmad Ashraff.”
Hershko asked with suspicion:
“What does your commander Ashraff want? Does he wish to escape from here? To surrender?” He whispered to his friends, “He is setting us a trap.”
The Islamic troops laughed. “No, God forbid. The issue is very simple. Today at 10 PM, we have a show on base, and we want to ask you not to attack us during the show. We hope you will understand and will not disturb us. In addition, if you ask to do the same, we will understand you. My Commander asked me to provide you with his phone number in case you need it. You can talk to him, text him, or send him a video clip and you can also download our Islamic ring tones into your phone, great ring tones, by the way.”
One of the soldiers gave Stone a note and the men closest to Stone whispered to one another, trying to see what it was all about. While the Islamic soldiers played their American rock in Islamic ring tones and joined the music with singing and dancing, Barney stood on the Colonel’s right and managed to see the note which said:
“Hello, dear Commander of the Democratic base. Thank you for your cooperation. I provide you my mobile phone number in case you need it. Thank you, Colonel Ahmad Ashraff, the Base Commander, phone number 00534278390” Barney lost interest.
Colonel Stone suddenly remembered something and asked Barney:
“Tell me Barney, you also have a show tonight for our soldiers at 10 PM, right?” Barney nodded, feeling excited and restless. This would be his first show in front of a live audience in two years. Stone looked away from him and to everyone’s surprise turned to the Islamic representatives.
“Before I give you an answer, I must speak to your base Commander.” The Islamic soldiers were surprised as Stone dialed the number in the note on his mobile phone and spoke in English while the Islamic soldiers translated into Arabic.
“Hello Mr. Ashraff, my name is Stone and I’m the Democratic Base Commander, I’m your neighbor and you are mine.”
The Islamic Colonel answered his phone with curiosity.
“Hello Mr. Stone, it is nice to hear from you. I really hope that you understand and will accept my request for me and for my soldiers.”
“I will accept your request on the condition that you will also accept mine. You know, quid pro quo.”
The Islamic Commander was startled for a second. He was afraid that Stone would ask him something humiliate the Islamic side.
“Sounds fair, but what is your request? I hope you will not make fun of me and my soldiers.”
“No, no, absolutely not! What I am asking is that you refrain from attacking us tonight because we also have a show at 10PM with our famous stand-up comedian. I promise we will not attack you tonight. Even our President will require that. Do we have a deal, Mr. Ashraff?”
“Okay, Mr.Stone. We have a deal,” he chuckled, “I wish our leaders could speak and understand each other like we do.”
“You are right, Mr. Ashraff, I hope that this stupid and dumb war will be over as soon as possible.”
“That’s right. I also pray for this war to end as soon as possible. When it ends, you will be invited to visit me in Musulmania.”
“Thanks, Mr. Ashraff, you are a good man. When the war is over, you are also invited to be my guest in Demos. Goodbye and God bless you.”
Thank you, Mr. Stone. You are also a good man. Goodbye and also God bless you.”
It seemed that Barney was more impatient and intolerant than anyone else, when to his great surprise, he let out a heavy and uncontrollable sigh. Everyone stared at him with amusement. Stone stood in front of him and gave him a flick.
“What happened, Barney? Why do you sigh like a whore whose client took off without paying, fucked her twice once with his dick and once with the money? You better go rest and get ready.”
That was a good idea. Barney lay in the bed that was prepared for him and tried to fall asleep. Suddenly he remembered and said to Jimmy:
“Listen Jimmy, if I’m still asleep at 9PM, please wake me up because my show starts at 10, okay?”
“Okay, Barney, if you don’t have anything else to do, get some sleep. Don’t worry; at nine you will be awake like a baby’s farting butt.”
Barney tried again to fall asleep, tried to keep his eyes shut but did not succeed. Something interfered with his rest and then he understood that his mobile phone was under his pillow and interfered with his attempts to fall asleep. He moved his phone to the table.
“Damn it, this telephone is more annoying than my wife. When I use it, it fucks my head with radiation and when I don’t, it fucks my head but without radiation.” He yelled at it “Come on; don’t interfere with my sleep, you fool.”
After Barney understood the reason for his restlessness, he managed to sleep like a baby. His soul was uplifted, certain that he would put on an unforgettable show.
At 10 PM in the two bases: the Islamic soldiers were sitting on their butts in the desert sand in the darkness facing the brightly lit stage, bored and tired, as they listened to the exciting singing of the well-known Arabic singer, Raid Al Hantrash who was accompanied by the Royal Islamic Orchestra. Meanwhile, Barney was already under the floodlights, facing the Democratic soldiers, who like the Islamic audience sat or lay in the sand, with darkness around, trying to concentrate on what was happening on the stage. The Islamic and the Democratic stages were positioned back-to-back in each base while the soldiers sat back-to-back for support. Barney faced the Democratic soldiers, holding a sophisticated cordless microphone. He called out to them:
“What’s going on guys, what’s up?” Without waiting for their reply, he continued, “I see you sitting like this and think, wow, what kind of men, what kind of warriors, who, each one, instead of fighting, came to a picnic to rest.”
Barney laughed and signaled Jimmy to turn on the tape recorder near them that made sounds of recorded laughter and after a short time, Barney had convinced himself that the soldiers in the audience were actually laughing in the dark. He was not aware that silence reigned with its great loudness while some sleepy soldiers were furious about the jokes that bothered their sleeping and mumbled:
“Look at this son of a bitch. Who does he think he is? Our friends were injured and died here and this maniac talks about a picnic. Let’s see him, go fight instead of us, instead of fucking with our brains.”
Barney continued:
“Do you want a joke, right? Here, listen to one:
“When God wanted to choose a people for himself, he wondered to whom to give his Ten Commandments, but no one agreed to receive them. At first God went to the Arabs and asked them: “Do you want the Ten Commandments? “No,” they answered. “Why not” asked God. “Because it’s written there thou shall not murder” the Arabs said. Afterwards God asked the French: “Do you want the Ten Commandments?” “No,” they said, “It’s written thou shall not commit adultery”. God asked the Romanians: “Do you want the Ten Commandments?” “No,” they answer. “Why?” He asked. They explained: “Because it says thou shall not steal.” Right before falling into utter despair, he tried to offer the Ten Commandments to the Jews and asked them: “Do you want the Ten Commandments?” The Jews said: “How much?” “It’s free,” he said. “Free,” the Jews were surprised, “We'll take two…”
Again, the recorded laughter was at full volume with Barney himself snorting and laughing. He was pleased with himself and felt like a horse...actually maybe like a camel in the desert. He did not really care about the soldiers’ reactions in front of him and hardly noticed them in the darkness.
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Suddenly a gunshot was heard from the Islamic base that made the sleeping Democrats jump with fear and worry. Stone turned pale and called Ashraff.
“Ashraff, what happened? We heard a shot fired from your base". Ashraff laughed.
“Don’t worry my friend, Stone. Our soldiers were sleepy during the show of Raid Al Hantrash and forgot to clap their hands, so I shot into the air and woke them up, like you say: give the singer and the orchestra their due.” Stone laughed with relief. “Ugh, you almost gave me a heart attack but now I’m calmed down. You are great. Your thinking is that of a wise commander. By the way, if you hear a gunshot from our side, it is because I might have fallen asleep in the middle of the show and taken a shot in the air to wake myself up,” Stone laughed again, “I wish that we could all sleep as long as the war continues.”
Ashraff laughed, “You are right. When that happens not even an atomic bomb will wake us. Goodbye, Stone.”
Stone laughed.
“With leaders like Monro and Aswad, I wouldn’t be surprised if they also think about an atomic bomb. It seems like they do not care if nothing remains of the Democratic and Islamic forces. Goodbye my Colonel friend, goodbye Ashraff.”
Barney continued with a new joke because he felt he was the ultimate joke machine.
“A judge in New York Court presides over the divorce of a Jewish couple. When the proceedings are finished, the woman tells the judge that there is no choice now. She needs a Gett (Jewish Divorce Certificate). The judge asked: “What is a gett?” “It is a type of Jewish ceremony” the woman answers. “A religious ceremony like a ritual circumcision?” The judge asks.
The woman answers: “Yes, something like that but there’s a difference between a gett and a circumcision” “What’s the difference?” The judge asks.
The woman answer: “In a gett you get rid of the entire Schmuck.”
Again, out of habit, without purpose or understandable routine, Barney continued telling jokes.
“One politician got run over by a car and goes to heaven. There he meets angel Gabriel. Gabriel says to the politician: we will let you choose you will spend one day in hell and one day in heaven, and afterwards you will decide where to go…” Gabriel leads the politician to an elevator that goes down to hell. They reach bottom and the gates of hell open up. The politician enters and sees a green Golf course and his friends are playing golf. They congratulate him, shake his hand, and invite him to play golf. At night they go out, eat in a restaurant and even the devil hangs out with them, makes them laugh, dances for them; in a nutshell, it was an incredible night. Gabriel comes back in the morning and takes him in the elevator to heaven. The politician enters heaven and there he spends a whole day in the garden with a harp, listening to relaxing classic music…and infinite boredom. A day later again, Gabriel arrives and asks him: “so, did you make up your mind?” “Yes,” the politician said. “Even if it is fun in heaven, in hell I really had a great time. I want hell.” They go down and Gabriel leaves him at the gate of hell. The doors open and with their teeth they grab him by his hands and pull him inside. He sees wilderness, a huge, very hot desert and his friends' wearing rags and collecting trash. Then the devil comes, thrusts a trash bag at him and tells him to start collecting trash. “What happened to the Golf course and the restaurants?” The politician asks. The devil replies: “Yesterday it was before the elections, today – it’s after you chose us.”
Barney thought things over and decided that it was time for a break. He sat to rest backstage with Jimmy, the driver at his side along with his five companions who patted him on the back with fake enthusiasm. Each in turn said:
“Barney, you are great, there’s no one like you, and we laughed so hard, what a great laugh. You are something special.”
Barney was proud of himself. He touched his medals with affection, excitement, and a feeling of superiority that crawled slowly up his body from his toes to the hair on his head. Half an hour passed in which he dozed with pleasure on the couch backstage and then, suddenly, Stone arrived and shook him. Barney was alarmed.
“Come on, Barney, wake up. Give them a little more and finish the show. As far as I’m concerned, finish it within a half an hour, I’m also dead tired.”
“Okay, Stone, I'll wash the sleepiness off my face and get on stage.”
Barney washed his face to get rid of the irritating sleepiness, did some warmup exercises on his face and body and walked on stage fully capable and energized while his companions and Jimmy enthusiastically faked their hand clapping by using the tape recorder behind the stage. Barney was still self-centered, and certain that the soldiers opposite him, still hidden in the darkness, were clapping their hands. He took the microphone and continued:
“Hello guys, you missed me, right?” He laughed stupidly “so here is something new:
“A man walks into the bedroom with an aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks him: “What are the pill and the water for?” The husband: “For your headache.” The woman: “But I don’t have a headache.” The husband: “Ah. I finally caught you...take off your robe.”
Barney was amused, happy and pleased as can be. He burst out laughing, certain that everyone laughed more than he did. Barney, however, suddenly felt that something was annoying and bothering him. Something was not right. He immediately disconnected the laughing voices from his tape recorder and went to the corner of the stage. Stone, his companions and driver joined him there. They all stared at and listened to the dark mass of soldiers in front of them. They were surprised and did not believe their ears. Barney mumbled with astonishment:
“Is God looking at me from on high and laughing at my lost honor?”
They heard all kind of snores, different whistling sounds and an endless symphony from all over. Barney’s entire body was shaking with rage as his dreams of grandeur were shattered by the horrible snores that penetrated his brain like a butcher's knife. Stone’s face was distorted with rage due to the situation that had just been revealed. He whispered to the soldier responsible for the lighting.
“Banjo, turn the projectors on the soldiers.”
Banjo redirected the lights, and everyone looked with astonishment, with frozen eyes and hanging tongues. The great mass of soldiers was on the ground in different and strange postures, snoring furiously and with supreme pleasure; heads on shoulders, shoulders on chests, chests on butts, butts on heads, heads in dreams, dreams in hallucinations, hallucinations in visions and to top things off, the moon smiled from above. Barney mumbled with frustration and anger towards Stone.
“I would have shot all these air heads and killjoys.” “Why do I sweat and tear my butt and my brain?”
Barney’s words seemed to turn on a fire of frustration, bitterness, and revenge in Stone’s mind, caused him to raise his Kalashnikov towards the sky, and started shooting long and terrifying sets of shots that rang in the ears of the sleeping soldiers while yelling:
“Wake up, idiots, son of bitches, Democratic assholes.”
As expected, they woke up in terror, screaming, eyes lowered, confused, and frustrated. Stone’s phone rang endlessly. Stone transferred his weapon to his shoulder and listened to the scared Ashraff.
“Stone, what happened? I heard shots from your base, is everything okay?” Stone laughed “Everything is fine, Ashraff, I also needed to wake up the soldiers in my base who decided to fall asleep during the show.”
He heard some screaming in Arabic and did not understand what it was about “tell me, what are you screaming about? Are your soldiers striking against you, rebelling?” Ashraff guffawed.
“What a rebellion! My soldiers are tired of the singer and the orchestra and are screaming for the belly dancers to start their show. I didn’t know they were so horny”. They both laughed. “Okay, I am going to ask my ass dancers to start their show, goodbye Stone, my friend, I’m also impatient to watch wiggling Arab asses. ”Stone was excited. “I have a great idea Ashraff. Instead of letting my comedian appear again, I will send him to you tomorrow and you, in return, will send us your dancers... Barter.” Ashraff answered:
“No problem. I will send you my dancers if you send us Paris Hilton, our soldiers are crazy about blonds and especially young.” They both laughed and stone continued:
“But I don’t know whether we'll let your dancers return to you.” They hung up smiling...
Stone whispered in Barney’s ear:
“Give them additional twenty minutes of a show but without playing the laughter recordings, I would like to know what these Democratic assholes will do.”
The Islamic soldiers started throwing different objects, especially tomatoes and cucumbers, at the singer and the musicians who fled the stage as long as they could breathe. They stopped as if by magic when the dancers came on stage followed by great applause and whistling.
Barney resumed telling jokes:
“During the World War the President of the Democratic Organization comes to visit the house of the President of the Islamic Forces. The Islamic President receives him and offers him “Sit in the chair with the three buttons on the armrest. Press each button…for a surprise. The President presses the first button; a cream pie hits him in the face. He presses the second button; a bucket of water is thrown at him. He presses the third and gets an electric shock. The Democratic President stands up and turns to the Islamic President: “What was this supposed to be? Shame on you!” The Islamic President says: “That was a surprise, weren’t you surprised?” Okay, a few months later, the Islamic President comes for a reciprocal visit. The Democratic President asks him to sit on a similar chair with three buttons. Each button holds a surprise. The Islamic President presses the first. Nothing happens. He presses the second, nothing happens. He presses the third, also nothing happens. The Islamic President stands up and says, “What is it? What is that supposed to mean? Where is the surprise? Okay, I don’t have time for your Democratic nonsense; I must go back to Musulmania” so the President of the Selected Democratic Organization tells him “Musulmania? What Musulmania…what Islamic Forces??”
Barney was indifferent to the unenthusiastic applause of the soldiers who would have preferred to forget the existence of the nagging person who disturbed their slumber, but they were afraid of Stone, who faced them with a threatening glance and with a weapon as a hint. Stone, with his menacing posture, did not know how many soldiers, who sat in the front row with their backs closer to the Islamic base, turned towards the Islamic base because of the cheering whistles and exciting shouts of the Islamic soldiers and tried to check with their binoculars what was happening on the Islamic stage. They stared with excitement; certainly, they were in heaven and could not believe their eyes. On the stage were Shahid virgins belly dancing in a sexy manner. On the stage, ten seductive and lustful women stood with their semi-exposed breasts reminding them what they were missing. The soldiers whispered about what was happening on the other side and suddenly they all turned around to watch the wiggling dancers on the Islamic base with their binoculars with shining eyes and with rapid breathing. The Democratic soldiers started moving in the direction of the Islamic stage. In the meantime, Barney, Stone, the companions, and the driver with the Democratic soldiers got closer with their binoculars until they too could watch the breathtaking, vibrating eighth wonder of the boring world.
Suddenly Ashraff’s telephone rang.
As Stone watched the dancers, he said:
“Ashraff, my honorable friend, I want you to know that our entire base is watching your hot dancers with binoculars.” He sighed, “you cannot imagine how I would like to be close to the dancers right now. You cannot believe how horny I am. Can I come to visit the dancers?”
Ashraff laughed, "I have a better idea” he lowered his voice. “For the improvement of the relationship between the Islamic Forces and the Democratic Organization, I decided to send you a personal present. After the show I'm sending five dancers for you and for your lieutenants. The other five dancers will stay here for me and for my men.” He laughed, “Just don’t forget to return the merchandise in the morning in good condition. The merchandise is for rent, not for sale.”
“Thank you Ashraff, you are a good friend. I promise that next time for the improvement of the human relations between the Islamic Forces and the Democratic Organization, I will provide you with whatever is possible and even what is not possible, what will be possible. Right now, I can only send you Barney.”
“Who is Barney? Is he a belly dancer, a Disco dancer, an escort?”
“Barney is Democratic comedian who was sent to raise the morale of the soldiers at the front. He is similar to an escort girl, wherever we need him, he goes.”
Both laughed loudly. Stone hung up and seemed like the happiest person on earth, like one who had just won the lottery. His balls ached as he watched the wiggling asses. Barney was so busy watching he did not understand what Stone was talking about, but now he became curious and asked:
“Something happened? Why do you look like one who inherited Microsoft from Bill Gates?” Stone whispered:
“I receive a bonus from Colonel Ashraff: five belly dancers will stay here until the morning. So, prepare your joker and his two deputies and make sure you don't get a heart attack. You and me against five dancers, finally, finally we are fighting, ah?”
Barney chuckled, “I always dreamed of such a war, a war with passion as a weapon.”
The warriors from the two bases jostled one another to get the best places to watch the uncomfortable belly dancers who saw open and drooling mouths and dropped Islamic jaws. Some of the soldiers reached the point of no return and their passion was hot as steam. Thanks to the darkness they put their hands in their pants, and each one in his free time, started jacking off without a care in the world.
Barney stopped watching the Islamic base for a minute and looked around at the group of Democratic penguins gloriously swinging from side to side. It seemed that they couldn’t restrain themselves from the explosion of desire. In addition, according to the attack order that echoed in their excited minds, they continued with their one hand holding binoculars while the other one brought them to orgasm. They again turned to watch the heroines of the battle, the goddesses of the war, and the desire of every soldier without distinction to religion, race and sex. In addition, when one reached climax, he fell to the ground and could not move. At the same time, even the camels, donkeys, and sheep from the Islamic and the Democratic bases gathered and stood close to the stage in front of the belly dancers and with their animal instincts, with their heads leaning forward, their excited faces and general horniness, they started to make grunting, bleating and dusting voices along with the loud lusty voices of the soldiers in the horny, cheerful and sweet world …of ESCALATION war.