Arthur Sakho

"Call me if she gets to be too much," my sister-in-law said.

"She won't be too much," I said. "You'll listen to everything I say right, Jade? We're going to have fun today."

"Right," my four year old niece said. I squeezed her small hand that held mine.

Lizzy smiled. "Seriously though if you get tired or she gets to be too much, you can call us and we'll go to you or we can meet you back here."

"It's going to be fine, Lizzy," Joseph said.

I offered to take Jade out to lunch and to the park so her parents could have a few hours for a date.

"Okay," Lizzy said. She tucked her blonde hair back behind her ear. She crouched so she was eye level with Jade. She pinched Jade's cheeks lightly. "I love you, buttercup," she said. "Be good for Uncle Arthur."

"I will. Love you too, mommy," Jade said.

Lizzy stood straight. It was my brother's turn to say goodbye to Jade. He scooped her up and lifted her into the air causing her to giggle. Then he brought her in close and hugged her. "I love you, cricket."

"Love you too, daddy."

He handed her off to me, but they both stared at her a moment longer. We were all standing outside their house ready to get into our own cars. You'd think they never let anyone babysit her before and I knew they had. Was this the process they went through every time they left Jade?

"Then...we're off to have fun," I said to my brother and his wife. I started walking to my car with Jade in my arms.

"You know how to strap her into her booster seat, right?" Lizzy called after me.

"Yes," I said. "This isn't my first time you know." Joseph had already put her booster seat in the back of my car.

"I know," Lizzy said. "Have fun."

They got into their car as I strapped Jade into the backseat. They didn't leave until I was finished strapping her in and was putting on my own seatbelt.

"Where do you want to go for lunch?" I asked as I pulled away from the curb.

"McDonald's." She raised her hands in the air excitedly.

Yuck. "Fine," I said. I liked it when I was little too, until I discovered all the yummier foods I had been missing out on. I knew which one she wanted to go to. There was one nearby that had a play area inside it.

She tried to go to the play area as soon as we got there, but I made her eat first. We found a table and ate. She played with the toy that came with her meal as she ate.

"Do you like your ballet teacher?" I asked her.

"Yes. She's nice," Jade said.

"Do you like ballet or is it something your parents are making you do?"

"I like it," she said. "It makes me be like you."

Aww. That melted my insides.

"I like that you like it," I said.

"You could teach me," she said. "Then I wouldn't have to go to class."

"Don't you like class?"

"I like it, but I like you better."

I smiled at that. "I have to finish school first."

"And then you'll teach me?"

Reality made the tender, warm feelings go slightly cold. "After school, I want to move to New York," I said.

"Why?"

"Because I want to be a dancer there. It's what I've dreamed of ever since I was little."

"You can be a dancer here."

"I know, but New York is different."

"Why?"

"Why is it different?" I asked her. She nodded and stuffed a french fry in her mouth. "I don't know why. It just is," I said. "It has a different feel there. It's more prestigious. I want to be part of that atmosphere."

"Then I'll go with you," she said easily.

I smiled and patted her head. My fingers lingered on the blond lock of hair that mingled with the rest of her black hair. "I don't think your parents would like that. They'll be lonely. You need to stay here and take care of them."

She sighed dramatically - her little shoulders lifting and falling. "Okay," she relented. "Can I go play now?"

"Sure," I said.

I watched her play on the slide, climb and crawl and make new friends. I let her play for half an hour before I said, "Jade, it's time to leave."

She pretended she didn't hear me, but I knew she had because when I called her name she turned to me and then went up high in the play area thinking I couldn't get her.

"Okay," I said. "I was going to take you to the toy store, but I guess I'll just have to call your mom and tell her you aren't minding." I held my phone up to my ear even though I hadn't called anyone.

"No!" Jade called out to me with her arm outstretched as if that could stop me. "I'm coming," she said. "Don't call mommy." She hurried over to the slide, came down it and then retrieved her shoes from the little cubby area.

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"Can I get a toy at the toy store?" she asked as I helped her put on her shoes.

"Of course," I said. "Why else would we go to the toy store?"

"Uncle David took me once," she said, "but he only let me get one thing." She held up one finger for emphasis. I took her hand and started to lead her out. "Can I get two things today? You'll be my favorite uncle?" She was only four and already playing with my emotions.

"I thought I already was your favorite uncle," I said.

"You'll be my favoritest favorite uncle."

I laughed as I opened the back of the car door. She climbed into the booster seat and waited for me to strap her in even though she could do it herself.

"Maybe two toys," I said. "You can either choose one big toy or two small toys. Deal?"

"Deal," she said.

I got into the car and drove to the local toy store. She skipped as we crossed the parking lot hand in hand so I copied her. She giggled at me. I stopped just inside the door when I saw two cashiers speaking with each other.

One looked like he was 16, the other one was my age and I knew him. Scott froze when he saw me. I expected him to ignore me so I was surprised when he nodded a greeting to me across the distance. I nodded back, but didn't go talk to him as Jade pulled me further into the store and I probably shouldn't disturb Scott while he was working.

Jade went to the doll section first. She carefully looked over the baby dolls, she picked up one that had blond hair like Lizzy and then carefully put it back on the shelf. She touched a few others, but then went on her way. We came across a plastic doll that had a pink tutu. She picked it up and hugged it.

"Does this count as a small toy?" she asked.

It wasn't a very big doll so I said, "Yes. You may choose one more small toy."

I walked behind her to let her take the lead on which aisles she wanted to go on. I got that feeling that someone was watching me. I turned around and saw Scott at the end of the aisle watching us.

"Cute little girl," he said.

"I'm a big girl," she said. "I'm almost five." Even though she had just turned four.

"I apologize," Scott said. "Cute big girl."

That sounded wrong and Scott paused as soon as he said it realizing it sounded wrong, but Jade smiled happily. I laughed. Scott laughed and suddenly I missed his laugh. He had been my first in many things. I had fond memories of him and I held him no ill will. But he should have also been my first warning to not date anyone who kept his sexuality a secret because then I never would have dated Jackson and felt that betrayal. I wondered if Scott was still hiding that he was gay. It probably wasn't a question I should just ask in the store he worked at.

Jade laughed with us even though she had no idea what was funny. I patted the top of her head.

"Who is she?" Scott asked me.

"My niece. Joseph's daughter. Remember?"

"Oh, right, right. Your brother was married and had a baby."

"I'm not a baby," Jade said. She held onto my leg and hid herself behind me partially.

"I know you're not now," Scott said, "but you were then." She blinked up at him confused. "That's a pretty doll you have," he said. She smiled and came out from behind my leg to show him. He crouched low so he was eye level. "A dancer," he said. "Do you want to be a dancer like your uncle when you grow up?"

"Yes," she said and bounced excitedly on her feet.

He stood up and looked me directly in the eye when he said, "He's a beautiful dancer."

"Me too," Jade said. "I'm a beautiful dancer too." She hopped back to me and took my hand.

Scott smiled. "I'm sure you are," he said to her, but his eyes still looked at me. "Are you seeing anyone?" he asked and I could see the regret in his eyes the moment after he asked.

"Yes," I said. "Are you?"

Panic washed over his face and he looked around to make sure no one else was in earshot. "No," he said. "It's difficult..." his voice trailed off.

But I knew he meant it was difficult because he still hid that he was gay.

"It's different for me than it is for you," he said.

"I know," I said. Everyone in highschool knew I was gay. My family was supportive. Scott was on the football team and from a very conservative, religious family. He would have been ostracized in many ways from many people if he had come out. He told me at highschool graduation that he was going away for college, that he wasn't ready to come out and that we should breakup. I had agreed with him. It wasn't a bad breakup. It was just time for us both to move on.

Jade started to tug my hand as she was bored with our conversation and wanted to look at other toys.

"So what's your boyfriend like?" he asked me.

I smiled when I thought of Trevon.

"Handsome," Jade said in just the same tone her father had.

Scott smiled. "Really? How do you know? Have you met him?"

"I saw a picture," she said proudly.

I took out my phone, selected a picture of Trevon and showed it to Scott. "He is handsome," Scott said quietly. He handed the phone back to me.. "Is he good to you?"

"So far he's been the best to me," I said honestly.

"Is he out?" Scott asked.

"He's told his friends and sisters he's bi," I said. "He went home this weekend to tell the rest of his family."

"I hope he does." There was something in his tone that made me doubt.

"Why wouldn't he?"

"I mean, it's not easy to come out to your family," Scott said. "I know I've tried a few times. I lied to my last boyfriend and told him I came out to my family because he told me he didn't want to keep our relationship secret. He broke up with me when he found out I lied."

"Trevon's sisters already know. They'll be there to support him. I think they'll make him tell the rest of the family. Trevon is a great guy though. He hasn't lied to me. I'm happy with him."

Scott nodded. "I'm happy for you," he said.

"Thank you."

"Scott!" someone called from across the store.

Scott rolled his eyes. "I've got to get back up to the register. When you check out, come through my lane. I'll give you my employee discount."

"Will you get in trouble for that?"

"No. It'll be fine." He waved and took off.

Jade led me to the books. She would select one, open it, scan through it slowly and then put it back. This went on for awhile before she found a book about nurses.

"This one looks like mommy," she showed me the picture of a blond cartoon female nurse.

"Yes, it does."

"Can I get these two?" she asked holding up the dancer doll and the book about nurses.

"Yes," I said.

There were only two employees at the checkout stands - the 16 year old and Scott. They were both checking out customers. Jade and I went and stood behind the customer Scott was currently helping.

"I got these two," Jade said to Scott and handed him the doll and book when it was our turn.

"Great choices," he said.

"The nurse looks like my mommy. My mommy is a nurse too. My daddy says nurses are heroes," she said. She stood on her tiptoes so she could point out the blond nurse.

"Do you want to be a nurse like your mommy or a dancer like your uncle?" Scott asked as he scanned the items and handed them back to her.

Jade hugged both items close to her and said, "A dancer and a nurse."

Scott smiled. "That would be perfect for you. I hope you succeed."

He gave me his employee discount and I paid with a card while the two of them spoke.

"How long are you in town?" Scott asked me.

"I'll go back tomorrow morning."

He seemed lonely as he nodded.

"What happened to college?" I asked and then immediately cursed myself. He obviously wasn't going to the college he told me he was going to go to. What if something bad had happened or something he wanted to forget? There wasn't anyone behind us and the other employee was helping a woman who insisted the price tag had been for $3.99 not the $4.99 it rang up as so he wasn't paying any attention to us.

Scott shrugged, but he seemed pained. "College isn't for me, I guess. I'm taking night courses to become an electrician."

I smiled and said, "That seems like a great job for you," and I genuinely meant it.

He smiled at my smile. "I think it will be," he said.

It must have been hard for him to keep the fact that he was gay a secret. As far as I knew I was the only one who ever knew in this town. We used to go to the next town over when we went on dates, or just drove around in his truck, or kissed in his truck, or other things in his truck. He probably didn't have anyone to talk to. Our time as boyfriends had passed, but that didn't mean we couldn't be friends. Especially if he had no one to talk to.

"My number is still the same," I said, "if you ever just need a friend you can confide in."

He smiled and for the first time his smile seemed relieved and genuine. "Thank you," he said.

Jade hugged both of her new items to her with one arm and held my hand with her free one. As we walked out of the store, Scott's earlier words came back to me. I believed in Trevon, but we hadn't been dating long. There was a small part of me that wondered if he really would tell his family.