Do you know something that was never mentioned in Gladiator or other period films? How the bathrooms worked, I know, sounds ridiculous but it's the truth.

No one wrote a ballad about how the knights of the round table wiped themselves with leaves. Or how before cleaning they prayed to their God that the leaf did not give them a rash.

Trust me, I've already made the same prayer for my Corgis Gods, after my first allergic reaction. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth.

And do not even talk about privacy. I have nightmares about the first few times I used the bathroom, and some member of my family group was following me to make sure I would not have a relapse of my illness. Very hard to go number two in the woods for the first time, when somebody is looking straight at your eyes.

If one day I return to Earth and find someone who would like to go back in time before the invention of toilet paper, I will have to have a serious conversation with him.

After doing my business I leave towards the port, which is basically a wooden pier that fits the three fishing boats we have. It is a pier with delusions of grandeur, but I have already given up discussing semantics with my compatriots in the first week.

For some reason people tend to get annoyed with a teenager who acts as if he knows everything. Even when said teenager, actually has a formal education and more years in a university than the whole island population put together.

I will be the first to admit that my superior lawyer skills are completely useless here, and I can’t exactly explain my life history without been burn at the stake for been a body thief. Still, they should pay attention for what I say and be thankful.

Anyway, today I'm in a very good mood, after months of begging to Natali and the bald guy, they finally gave me permission to go fishing.

At the beach I can see Marcus and Antonio preparing the boat to go sea, Marcus sees me and immediately starts talking:

- “Father thought that you were not going to come, but I told him that just likes us, you are a born seaman, after today you will never again work in the furnace…”

Just like his mother when he starts talking, it’s impossible to stop, doesn’t matter if you are paying attention or not, he will continue. In comparison I never heard Antonio talking, he just uses a great variety of grunts to communicate, and the most amazing thing is that people always understand him.

He looks to me and grunts good morning, good thing about him is that is no need in responding his greeting and wasting a few precious seconds saying good morning to him. They had just finished putting the fishing nets in the boat and are preparing to take the boat to the water.

After some exercise that clearly is not good to my spine, we put the boat in the water. There is no sail in the boat, just a couple of oars and Antonio is using them. I can feel the sea breeze and start to relax, it would be perfect without Jon narrating every single thing.

I used to fish back home, not at the sea, but in privates lakes where you would pay a few bucks to fish and when you wanted to take some fishes home, you just had to pay a extra. 1

Which in retrospect was kind of stupid, Brazil has plenty of public rivers and lakes, why did I pay? I just can’t remember, my old life something’s looks like a very distant and weird dream.

I hear a grunt asking me to help with the fishing nets and I leave the dream world and go back to the real one. The one with no electricity, modern medicine, hygiene, toilet paper, entertainment that doesn’t involve singing and tailing tales around bonfires, alcohol, drugs, any amenity of the modern world and most important of all chocolate, by the Corgi Gods, I miss chocolate a lot.

But do you know what this shit world has in spades? Menial work, lots and lots of menial works.

-“… you can see by the height of the waves that today is going to be a good day for fishing, my grampa once told me that when the waves are about the size of a baby arm, the big fishes go close to boat...”

With one of Jon endless monologues as my background song, I start to work in getting my breakfast, lunch and dinner in the proverbial table.

--

-“Where is Nestor? Is he playing in the woods again instead of working? I going to beat the living shit of him when he gets home.”

-“No, did you forget? He is helping Antonio and Marcus today, he will be home late.”

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After putting my hammer in the table and cleaning the sweat of my forehead I turn back and see my wife bringing charcoal to the workshop:

-“ He wants to be a fishermen now?”

-“You know he doesn’t, now shut up and help me with this load”.

Taking the charcoal from her hand I storage in the locker, the job that goddamn boy should be doing instead of playing in the sea. As if reading my mind my wife says:

-“I worry about him, I’m scary that he will run away in one of the ships that sometimes stops here. He clearly wants some adventure in his life and you know what type of merchants stop here”.

-“Merchants? They are pirates and you know that, besides the boy is lazy not stupid. Just see whenever there is a boat in the island, he never gets close. He knows that if he gets capture by them he will became a slave and work hard for the rest of his life, he is too lazy to let that happen.”

-“Than why he stay all the time in the woods?”

-“Because he is lazy and doesn’t wants to work, that’s why. I need to work we will talk later.”

We had this conversation thousands of times, sure the boy doesn’t like to work like me when I had his age, but he isn’t bad kid, just lazy and incredibly good in running from work. Nothing that a few goods beatings won’t solve.

My biggest problem is my daughter, to pretty and intelligent for her own good. There are three boys of marriageable age for her, does she picks one and start her own family? No, she makes the three idiots fight for her attention bringing no end of troubles for the whole family.

Maybe the problem is that there is no good boys in this village, of the younger generation Nestor is the best of the bunch and the Gods know that he is lazy as they come. Wife says that we should just beat her and chose a husband for her, but I don’t have the heart for that.

Different than the boy she is a innocent, hard working girl that just want a good husband, besides she will pick one eventfully and things will calm down and soon I will have grandchildren.

-“Roberto ! I need to talk you !”.

Goddamn, can’t a man work in peace without been interrupt have few breaths? This is way this goddamn generation is so lazy, to many interruptions and not enough work. After putting my working tools in the table I leave my work shop to see Carlos waiting for me in front of my house.

-“This better be important, you know how much I hate to be interrupt!”.

-“Trust me, I better things to do than talk to you, but we have a ship in the island”.

I lost all the color in my face, just in the day that the boy is in the sea this has to happen, if they see three persons in a small boat they will stop to enslave they for sure !

-“Don’t worry, there are in the other side of the island and it’s the Dancing Fool”.

-“Goddamn you piece of shit, start with that ! Almost crapped my pants here!”.

The bastard is always doing shit like this, should have see this coming, if there was a unknown ship in the island, he would be running and screaming that we all are going to die.

-“If you are here means that they need something for me. They better have brought some metal, my stocks are barely enough for the island needs.”

-“Them I have some good news, they just finished some trade and have a cargo full of iron, copper and tin, but they had some problems in a storm and need do to some repairs and are willing to do some trading”.

-“Trading? Don’t bullshit me, they just raided some poor bastard and suffered some damage, and now need some repairs. You better not be getting too cozy with them. The only reason that they don’t kill us and enslave our wife’s and children’s is because we are useful to them, since we are the only stop before there home port, the day that we stop having a utility to them, we are as good as dead”.

-“You knows as well as me that we need them, they are the only regularly trade that we have with the outside world, without them you would have nothing to work with.Don’t be a champion of justice in front of me”.

As must I hate to admit it, the island has nothing of value to exchange with the outside world, and when there is no profit there is no ships. The island is self-sufficient with food but without metal we would suffer to much to live. We would be fuck if those pirates went somewhere else. And I do enjoy a wine from time to time.

- “Fine, we will trade in the usual manner, you know what I mean?”

-“Sure, we will bring some of the men and go close to their base, they will send the same number of men. They will tell what is the job an you will tell how much metal is needed. I will negotiate the price of the service and after they deliver the necessary metals, we will come back. Not my first time doing this.”

-“And they better stay away from the village!”

-“I know how you like to work, and why are you like this? If they wanted, they could just plunder the village and there would be nothing that we could do to stop, you are just making us look like a joke!”

-“Let them laugh, if you are stupid enough to trust them, that’s your problem. Also, half of the wine in the deal is my, I need for my daughter wedding.”

For the first time he looks surprise and says:

-“Did she finally pick a boy to marriage?”

-“Not yet, but is a matter of time, she is not getting any younger”.

-“You know, you should just beat her and pick a husband, sounds a lot simpler than let her choose”.

-“Now you sounds like my wife, let the girl choose the poor bastard that she will pass the rest of her life making miserable, this is the least I can do as a father.”

-“ You are to soft with her, you are just making more trouble for her future husband.”

-“Goddamn, are you my second wife now ? Because the Gods know that I don’t remember marrying you, so just shut up and let’s get this deal done. I want those bloody bastards out of here as soon as possible”.

-“Fine, but only one third of the wine, as village chief I have to think for the whole village not just you.”

-“Half, and you better not be think of stealing my share again, Gods know I tired of doing all the work and you getting all the profit, enough is enough, and I swear in the name of Tupã that I will not make a single nail for theses pirates if you try to bargain with me again.”

I’m tired of getting scam by him, every deal he comes with the story of being the village chief and keeps all the profits like a dragon and the person that does all the work just get fucked, no more, this ends today.

The only reason we have a village chief is to deal with the pirates, he does nothing for the village all year around and live like a king thanks to my hard work !

He looks angry but says nothing, for once this bastard should look thankful that I’m letting him get half of the profits without doing nothing, but no, he needs to look like a kid that had his toy taking from him. Maybe it’s the time for this village to get a new chief.