Love. L.O.V.E. It's a strange thing. A strange but beautiful thing. A really beautiful thing, if you have it. If you feel it. I can't really describe love; it's like no other feeling. It's too good to be true. Everything feels amazing. Everything looks colourful. All of this because of a stranger. A stranger you love. A stranger you trust. A stranger you would do anything for. A stranger you could do anything with. A stranger who becomes the most important person in your life. Only love can do that. But love doesn't last forever. Something I found out first-hand. I mean, how can it? Everything I've told you sounds too good to be true. If love lasted forever, don't you think the world would be happier? You wouldn't see people depressed or broken. Why would they be if they had love? But the truth is, love is the reason why some of those people are depressed or broken. Pffftt, love is the reason why I can't be happy for more than a few minutes. I broke up with my girlfriend about two months ago. We were together for two years, but I loved her for three, heh, maybe four. I'm such a loser. I couldn't stop looking at her the first time I saw her. I don't know why.

Was it her eyes? Her hair? Her lips? Her nose? I was questioning myself. Why was I looking at her so much? I was denying the fact I liked her face. Childish, I know. I made excuses to look at her. I'm looking at her eyes because I've never seen eyes shine like that before, or I'm looking at her hair because I've never seen a girl with that hairstyle—any excuse to look at her. When my friends caught me looking at her, I said those excuses out loud. Denying their claims that I liked her. Thinking back, I might not have known I liked her. Maybe my brain thought I couldn't like her. She was too good for me. She was just someone I could look at, like a celebrity. My brain must have suppressed any thought of liking her to save me, but I guess my heart won. After a year of admiring her from afar, I became friends with her. We had one class together, math class. We sat next to each other, and we both hated math. I remember the first time I talked to her. Most embarrassing shit ever.

"Hi, I'm Eric. Who are you?"

I ASKED WHO ARE YOU. Smh. It wasn't like I was staring at her every chance I got. Of course, I knew who she was. I tried to act so cool. I'm not sure it worked; I thought I definitely left a good impression on her at the time. But she was being nice, I'm sure. But yeah, maths became my favourite class. Not for the subject, just her. I wasn't shy, but I wasn't full of confidence either. However, when I talked to her, she gave me confidence. I was 16 at the time, I was 5'9, but I was still growing. I was skinny and had short hair with waves. I don't think I was her type. I heard some of her friends saying that she liked guys with dreadlocks. For that sole reason, I wanted to grow my hair out, but my mom didn't let me. So, I was stuck with my short hair. Knowing all of this. Despite my insecurities. Despite my negatives. Despite the other guys, she could have. I asked her out, and she said yes. Happiest moment of my life. It wasn't meant to happen, but it did. The words slipped out of my mouth when I was staring at her, and surprisingly, she accepted my feelings. I would've completely understood if she turned me down because it came out of nowhere, and we'd only known each other for less than a year. But she said yes. It was then everything seemed colourful. I loved everything. I loved life because she was in it. Thinking back, I still can't believe the emotions I felt at the time. I can't describe it. When I was with her, I couldn't stop smiling. When I wasn't with her, I wanted to see her, but I was still smiling, knowing I was going to see her. Everything was about her, which made me happy because I loved her. At the start, I could tell I loved her more than she loved me. But I knew that because I was the one who chased her. Over time, I could tell the love I gave was reciprocated. I could tell we loved each other the same. I could tell she was happy. I could tell she loved me a lot. Or so I thought. We came to this academy together, and we even got into the same class, class 1-B. We got a dorm together. We were going to live with each other for the first time. Live together for the three years we would be at this academy. But on the first weekend here, she told me.

"I think we should break up".

When I first heard it, I couldn't believe it. It made no sense. Why should we break up? It didn't make sense. But it didn't make sense to me. Only me. A lot happened: a lot of questioning, begging, crying, desperation, which led to one last conversation. That conversation gave me the answer I didn't want but needed to hear. After that ….. life went on. The sun rose, the sun set, the moon rose, the moon set, the sun came back up, and a new day started. The day carried on, and then it happened again. The sun set, the moon rose, the moon set, the sun came back up, and a new day started.

After weeks of living on autopilot, I realised that life goes on. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I can't describe what I felt or thought. I can't even try to replicate those feelings in my mind if I tried. It was too dark. Questioning what the point of life is, what my purpose is, what happiness is, and whether I will ever experience happiness or love again. These questions filled my mind. It wasn't healthy. But life went on. Time didn't stop when I felt empty. Time didn't stop when I felt nothing. Time didn't stop when I was crying. Time didn't stop when I felt alone. Time didn't stop when I was having panic attacks. Time didn't stop when I couldn't sleep. Time didn't stop when I was dreaming. Time didn't stop. Knowing that hurt me, it made me feel helpless and useless. Why won't time stop for me? I'm hurting. Can't you see? I needed days to stop going by, but it didn't. Life went on. No matter what happens in life, life goes on. And that one lesson, as painful as it was, helped me. Even if it was only a little bit, it helped me take a little step. I could've given up. It was like life was telling me I was irrelevant. No matter what happens, life will go on. I'm not a main character. Looking at it from that perspective can break you and make you end it. But something inside of me didn't want to go. Surely, if I'm feeling this sad, something must be on the other side of the spectrum. I know there is because I've felt it. A happiness that can rival or even outweigh the sadness I'm feeling. I guess my heart wanted to feel that feeling again. That same heart that put me in this position wanted to feel that happiness again. How selfish. That's what made me take that step.

After that, I began to heal, slowly. Me and Sasha still live together. We can't change dorms now; it's too late. While I was depressed, I questioned why she waited so long to tell me. She said she had lost feelings two months before. She could've broken up with me before we decided to live in a dorm room together for three years. I blamed her, but I was narrow-minded. It was only recently that I looked at it from her point of view. I would've been a mess if she told me before we came to this academy. And I guess as much courage as it takes to ask someone out, it must take the same courage to break up with someone, especially when you don't hate them. Another reason she must have decided to be my roommate is because she must feel responsible for me. She couldn't just break up with me and leave me. I mean, she could've, but she isn't that type of person. I don't see her that much; the times we do meet in the kitchen, she usually asks if I'm okay. I reply with I'm fine every time. It's weird. Back then, I couldn't keep my eyes off her, but now I can't look at her.

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Lately, I've been reflecting, a lot. I know my relationship was only two years; some people have gone through a lot worse. People have broken up from relationships lasting more than five years. I'm sure my feelings might have been similar to those people, but I've looked at my situation and feel grateful in a way. I'm glad she didn't play along and continue to date me for no reason. I probably would have felt much worse if she broke up with me in three years. Looking at it from that point of view, it seems like a good thing. It's something I tell myself when I feel down. You have to look for positives if you want to be happy.

So, what's my current status? Nothing crazy has happened to me. I've got no friends, only Daniel and Olivia. Friends might be a stretch; they're people I know. I don't talk or text them. The only time I talk to them is when I see them. They're nice people. They comforted me when I needed it, and I'm sure if I needed help, they would help me. A happy couple helping me. Pfft, it was a little annoying, but at that point, I wouldn't have minded if a serial killer listened to me. I needed someone to talk to at the time, so I'll always be thankful to them. I wish I had more people to talk to, but I can't speak to people. When I was younger, I had no problems making friends. Now, I don't even know how to start a conversation. It's like my mind is never present. I do get lonely sitting alone in the class. Hearing everyone talk while I'm there with no one to talk to. I feel isolated from the class, but I guess that's my fault. I don't text my friends back home; I don't want to tell them about my current situation. It's a little embarrassing, and I don't want to worry them. I do need to text them at some point; I miss them.

My school life is getting better educational-wise; I'm on top of all my studies. I'm not in the loop about who has the most points and the leaderboard. I've looked at the leaderboard, and I don't recognise any of the names.

I'm slowly healing. I got a gym membership; I'm trying to build muscle. I looked at myself in the mirror and hated how skinny I was. I'm still clueless about the exercises and what to do, so I watch videos to help. I feel great when I'm at the gym, and that's one thing I have enjoyed recently. I also plan on growing my hair out more, not because of her. I just don't want to see my old self when I look in the mirror. I'm trying to pick up good habits like reading and walking. If I have free time, I try to do something productive; wasting time makes me feel worse.

I'm outside right now, sitting on a bench. It's November, but the sun is out. If the weather looks nice, I get out of my dorm. Being stuck in my room brings back some emotions I don't want to feel and thoughts I don't want to think. But yeah, that's my academy life so far. It's kind of pathetic that I ruined the start of my academic life because of a breakup. But who knows? One day, I might look back on this and laugh. That's what I saw someone online say when they were talking about their breakup story.

"Yo, you good?"

Wait, what? I looked to my left, and there was a guy in a sports shirt with a pink scarf covering his face and a pink beanie sitting next to me. Who is he? Is he talking to me?

"Y-yeah. I'm fine".

"You sure? You looked kinda sad".

I was spacing out again. I think I was looking at the floor. Was I looking sad? I can't remember. I made this guy worry.

"I was daydreaming. I'm fine".

Why is he dressed like that? It's a bit windy, but it's not that cold. He's still looking at me. He definitely thinks I'm weird.

"You sure you're okay?

"Eh?"

Wow, this guy is still asking. And why did I make that weird noise? I was complaining about shutting myself off to people, so I guess this is a good place to start.

"I broke up with my girlfriend about two months ago. She was my girlfriend for two years. I thought we loved each other, but she lost feelings, and I didn't notice. She didn't cheat, and we didn't break up on bad terms, so that's good. It still hurts, but I'm slowly getting there".

Shit! I didn't mean to tell him so much. Why did I tell him that? My mouth just kept talking. Why would I start by saying I broke up with my girlfriend? This is probably too much for him.

"Fuck love".

"Huh?"

"Forget loving someone else. You gotta love yourself first, innit. That's the realest love you'll get".

What's he talking about? Love myself first? Is that the realest love I'll get? Hold up. Did I love myself when I was with Sasha? I never really thought about it. Love yourself. I need to love myself. How can someone else love me if I don't love myself? Who cares who loves me if I love myself. Loving myself is the realest love I'll get. Hah, for some reason, I feel motivated.

"Let's go".

I looked up and saw a pretty, tanned girl with short brown hair reaching her shoulders approach the guy sitting next to me. His friend? His girlfriend? I shouldn't pry. The guy stood up and looked at me.

"Fuck love".

And just like that, he left. I couldn't see his face, but I could tell by his eyes he smiled when he said it. Dammit, I didn't ask for his name.

"Fuck love", I mumbled.

Why do I feel so happy? Wait, am I smiling? I am! I'm genuinely smiling! This isn't a fake smile! I can't stop smiling. I looked down at the floor, and the past two years flashed in my head for two seconds.

"Hehehehe".

I took a deep breath. Thanks for the memories, but I don't think I need to remember those anymore. Hmm, what should I do? I went to the gym already, but I want to go again. I think I'll do cardio. I haven't done any cardio since I started going to the gym. I stood up and looked to the sky, smiling,

"Fuck love".