Sometimes, I felt like my insides were rotting and my organs stopped working .That night was one of those times. When it happened I barely felt alive, so I took the habit of checking my pulse frequently. Especially during my episodes.

The cracking sound of the wood flooring took me out of my daze. Going by the noise the footsteps were faint. I was sleeping my back to the door of my room when it was cracked open. The steps continued some more until they reached near my bed and i felt the presence behind me. I was scared, even though it was happening for the third consecutive night and I knew who this footsteps belonged to.

She was breathing erratically. I held my dummy tight to my chest. I shouldn’t be afraid of her, I thought to myself, yet it was not that easy. Since that day things became different. I unclenched my fingers,letting the Doll drop on the mattress.

I turned around on my bed, my eyes half closed so I could glimpse the slim silhouette of my mother. She hadn’t been eating much at dinner these last few weeks and it showed.

I took my time, making so it looked like I woke naturally. I moved my hands to rub my eyes, and moved my head up to look at her.

“Hmm…. Mom is that you?” I said, faking a drowsed voice.

My room was dark. I didn’t have a television and the light was off, but the street lights coming from my opened window ensured I could see my moms face. She looked panicked like she was caught doing something wrong.

Which she was.

“Hey sweetie, I am sorry that I woke you." She answered.

“It’s okay, but why did you come here? Did something happen? Is it d-daddy again?.“ I asked.

“No, your dad is not home …it’s just that…I wanted to tell you something,” She stayed silent for a few seconds, after which she took the chair of my study, turned it to face me in my bed; and sat on it.

Seeing that the conversation was going to be serious, I got out of my blanket and sat on the edge of my bed. Mom was different than usual, she didn’t avoid my stare when I looked her in the eyes. They were a beautiful sky blue-just like mine- yet they appeared so tired and empty. She cut eye contact first and glanced at something on my bad, i didn’t need to turn for me to know at what she was looking . The Doll.

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I should have hid it.

Mom glanced away. Her face closed like she was trying very hard to keep herself together, and I cringed looking at her, at what she has become.

What I made her become.

“Your father and I, we had a discussion.” She said taking a serious tone.” As you surely have noticed, we haven’t been on the best of terms lately."

What she meant by “not on the best of terms" was daddy coming late at night drunk, and them arguing with each other constantly.

I waited for her to continue, which she did after waiting for a moment.

“You see dear, adults try very hard to make things work, they follow every trick in the book, do everything they can… to fix what doesn’t work…it’s just that sometimes it isn’t enough.”

“I don’t understand, what do you mean?.”

“what I am trying to say is that in some situations it’s better to start from scratch. To forget and move on. You understand?”

Was she trying to apologize for being angry with me lately, maybe she forgave me and wanted to put that incident behind us. For the first time in weeks I felt a surge of hope that even if our relationship would never be the same, we could nonetheless build something new.

“I would like that very much.” I said in voice full of hope.

“That’s what I want too. But not here, not with your father. Not with you. I need to work on myself and move on with life.” she said, the tiredness in her eyes giving way to conviction.

She wants to leave me.

Of course she does, it has been long coming. Why did i even think otherwise?. I am the problem, but the pain that finally hearing those words caused was too much.

I began to shake trying and failing to hold my tears. Mom stared at me like she would at terrified animal. She held her hand trying to touch my cheek but at the last moment decided otherwise, she took a deep breath and began talking again.

“It’s going to be fine. I already packed what I need, I won’t be back for the rest, so tell you father he can give what’s left to the church or an association…or throw them, whatever. I need you to know tha…”

“This is because of what happened.” I interrupted. “You are leaving us because of me.”

Mom froze, tried to say something but ended up muttering nonsense. After a few seconds she got up and headed to the door and opened it. Before getting out of my room she turned and tried to look me in the eyes, but whatever courage she had found earlier left her, so instead she looked behind my shoulder at the Doll.

“I am sorry sweetie. I want you to know that this is temporary and that I will come visit whenever I get better, ”she said, finally leaving my room.

Now alone. Putting a finger on my wrist. I started checking my pulse again.