Chapter 113
Life’s Worth
“Bear arms, Brothers! Charge! Charge into our Glory!”
Fragments
Swift winds cradled Elucido, wrapping around its walls and folding over, ragging against the tall-standing trees, swaying them. The night otherwise appeared silent, hissing and weeping of the wind forming a strange symphony that echoed. The moon above was faintly clouded, the light it was shining down upon the world dimmed and faint, incapable of piercing into the darkest corners to light them up.
Noah had witnessed such scenery many times over and had long since gotten used to it all. After all, in many ways, he thrived in places like this, where he could not be seen or heard. For some reason, however, the words of the creature he had met the second time he went into what he called 'Shadow World' continued ringing through his head, awakening the memories of when he stepped out and fought alongside Asandra.
The feeling from back then would swell back up, the sort of adrenaline that he had great difficulty controlling. It was challenging to put into words, the desire; the lumps of Dark would begin rumbling thunder within him, almost like a sense of withdrawal.
Sighing, he came to a halt inside one of the alleyways and sat down onto the cool stone. His expression was invisible behind the mask, the pair of sapphire-blue eyes glancing up toward the sky. He was too old to change, yet he was changing nonetheless. Those changes were minute, and would probably go unnoticed by most others – but not him. He'd known himself inside out for decades and never allowed anything to happen without his control. In many ways, that was his disease.
In attempts to catch him during his stint on Earth, the Bureau had fine-tuned his profile to the point that even he was impressed when he got his hands on it. Severely paranoid, extremely distrusting, incapable of letting go of the control, borderline personality disorder, wholly self-centered. He still remembered the swell in his heart while reading the profile, as though his entire self was being disseminated, examined by people who didn’t know him or what he went through. They had no right to know, yet they did.
It stung, but hardly did much to change him; he was who he was and had been for a long, long time. What they listed as the crucibles of his persona, he believed to be his strengths. Paranoia is what saved him, distrust of others was what kept him from being betrayed and sold out, relinquishing control to others would have meant being unable to account for the variables, borderline personality disorder allowed him to compartmentalize and rationalize his actions, preventing his brain from being fried by the tribal and primeval states.
Every facet of him still remained, painting the whole, but the minute cracks began appearing, chinks in his armor. He was more trusting, he realized. Even if he hid many things from those next to him, he shared more than he ever would have on Earth. He would have never allowed Asandra to go after the Dacents on her own and would have never trusted her not to lose herself in the moment and commit to killing them all.
Back on Earth, he had contingencies for contingencies – if someone in his organization betrayed him, there were ten others to take their place. Nobody ever knew more than what their jobs allotted, and no single person was capable of bringing him down on their own. No – not even ten combined could have done it. Now… it was different.
Though it was irritating, and parts of him that defined who he was on Earth were screaming at him relentlessly… it was different. He found himself wanting to trust others, to indulge what he had avoided nearly all his life. It was a new beginning for him in many ways, a new start at life.
He glanced down and extended his hand, a swirl of dark appearing above it, dancing like a cold fire. He knew these tiny motes of magic were what was changing him, what was undoing him from inside out. It was a lot like drugs in the nature of the tradeoff. The state he found himself in when he fought alongside Asandra was exhilarating. Abandoning his inhibitions, letting himself go and accepting the very core of human nature… it felt freeing, as though millions of chains were unwound and he was finally able to fly.
Sighing, he got up and began walking back to Olivia’s mansion. His expedition tonight was wasteful, but many in the recent time were.
He didn’t rush back, instead playing with the lump of Dark on top of his palm. It felt freeing to unwind, to forget for a moment who he was… and simply pretend – pretend to be someone else entirely. An enigma, a nameless shadow wandering the world in search of its purpose.
Suddenly pausing, he withdrew Dark and looked up where he met a pair of crimson-red eyes staring at him curiously. Eh? Wasn’t she supposed to follow them?
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“You look and feel like a rat,” Asandra said, stretching and yawning. “Suits you.”
“… you done?” he asked her.
“You told me not to kill them,” she shrugged. “I’m afraid I can’t derive much pleasure from watching old men perform… well, you know.”
“You held back?”
“You sound surprised.”
“I am.”
“I do have self-control, you know?” she rolled her eyes at him, jumping off the small wall and walking toward him. “When I want to, that is.”
“… what do you want to do?” he asked as the two began walking back toward the Royal Grounds together.
“Kill them.” She replied simply. “Strip them naked, lodge their heads on the spikes and light them on fire in front of the whole world to see.”
“… that suffering is too short,” Noah said. “You’re freeing them.”
“… what? You want to lock them up and torture them daily?” she glanced at him, asking curiously.
“No,” he shook his head. “Bleed them dry, first.”
“Huh?”
“Send them a letter,” Noah said. “Threatening to expose their activities to the world if they do not pay up.”
“… oh, so you just want the money.” Her expression dropped, eyes growing colder.
“No,” he glanced at her. “I want them dead just as much as you do, Asandra. Perhaps even more. But I’d also like to get something more than primal satisfaction from it.”
“… you’ll just spook them,” she said. “I know their ilk, Noah. They won’t pay a dime, and will only grow more careful and secretive.”
“… then we kill one,” Noah said. “As a warning – stage him only so the others understand the meaning.”
“… like the butcher?” she frowned in thought, glancing at him.
“Hm,” he nodded. “But not yet.”
“Why?”
“Why?” he spat out. “Don’t you think that just a few too many people have been dropping dead recently? Either you are blind or willfully ignorant, but you should have spotted the scryers wandering the Royal Grounds at night.”
“Oh? Those were scryers?” she quizzed. “I thought they were like Lo’kret, just looking to see a fair maiden in nude.”
“… I need to figure out what Lightbringer’s intentions are.” Noah’s words shook Asandra as she looked at him incredulously, wondering if he had gone insane. “I can’t afford to guess, and even less so to stay in the dark.”
“… why are you telling me this?”
“In case something goes awry.”
“… something?”
“If she blows my head up,” he glanced at her, smiling. “Abandon Olivia, salvage as much of my operations as you can, and flee.”
“… I’ll go with you.”
“Ah, that’s cute.”
“Shut it.” She growled. “Two against one… who knows? We might even be able to take her on.”
“No,” Noah shook his head. “I don’t plan on fighting her, the same way I never planned on fighting anyone. Hopefully, just like the rest of you lot, she’ll be taken aback with a few tricks, and attribute me with far more strength than I actually possess.”
“… how much is that, actually? Back when we fought the Kindled,” she said. “You somehow managed to wound him in a single move, yet I barely made a scratch all the while. You are plenty strong, you know?”
“… where can I find her?” Noah asked suddenly.
“E-eh? You’re going now?”
“No time like the present,” he said. “Besides, knowing her intentions will help me when dealing with our dear Prince tomorrow.”
“… you aren’t doing this blindly, are you?” she suddenly stopped, causing him to follow her lead and glance back at her, her expression serious.
“… I never do,” he replied. “What? Are you going to miss me if I suddenly disappear?”
“… no,” she shook her head. “It’s just that you promised me to teach me about what I am. It would be a pain in the ass to look for someone new.”
"…" Noah stared into those red eyes for a long while, both draped in deep-seethed silence. There was something peculiarly calming about them, realizing it was becoming increasingly dangerous. "I… I have a daughter, you know?"
“… e-eh? What the fuck?!” she cried out in shock, her eyes bulging.
“What?” he smiled bitterly. “Is it that shocking?”
“Yes, yes it fucking is! Wait, really? You, you, have a kid?”
“… I do.” He nodded. “Her twentieth birthday… is in about a month, I think.”
“… where is she?” Asandra asked.
“… home.”
“The same home you want to go back to?”
“Yes.” Noah nodded. “I hadn’t seen her in over seven years, and she was a whole lot like Olivia back then. A dreamer, wanting to save the world from all its ills.”
“… she sounds lovely.” Asandra said, still recovering from the shock.
“She is,” Noah nodded. “And is also the reason I am here.”
“…”
“The way that I live my life,” he elaborated. “I make a lot of people angry. But, as fate would have it, I am very good at staying alive. So, their anger seethes. They can’t do anything to me, but they still want to hurt me.”
“…”
“They go after the people I care about,” he added. “Just like they went after her.”
“… this sounds a whole lot like a warning.” She smiled bitterly, shaking her head.
“… I can’t afford to care for people, Asandra. At least not like you and others do.”
“… that’s rather dickish,” she shrugged, walking up to him. “We can take care of ourselves, Noah.”
“…” he remained silent as she walked by him, gaining some ground before turning back around and smiling at him. It was a lithe smile, an honest, almost innocent one, the likes of which he’d rarely seen in his life. “Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? That I die? Let me die, then. What worth is the life if it’s not even lived?”