Was the moon always this bright? Or just tonight?
Flo couldn't help but wonder. What else was brighter then he thought?
Sitting alone in the way too big for him living room, the darkness of the night surrounding him felt almost suffocating. But just almost. The moonlight illuminated a few spots, shining a soft light on the floor. His eyes wandered through the room, looking but not registering what was around him. It didn't matter, he knew every single small thing in this house. His house. A house that felt like a stranger.
He sighed, feeling melodramatic over his thoughts. It didn't help anyone to sit here and contemplate life. But still. The silence around him was a harsh contrast to his previous evening. It had been filled with laughter, the buzzing of people around him. Him and his date. A friend, Marvin, had introduced them to each other. Had told Flo to go out and just enjoy the evening.
„It's what they would have wanted“
Was it?
He had been nice, really nice.
Dave was his name, easy on the eye and the soul. The conversation of the evening had flowed easily, even the silence in between hadn't felt uncomfortable.
Dinner at a new restaurant. They had met there, both mostly knowing the descriptions of each other from their shared friend. Flo had a nice evening, really. The food was delicious, the restaurant was classy. And throughout the evening he was able to ignore the guilt, gnarling at his gut. But now, alone, it felt overwhelming.
Dave had been kind, not taking pity on him, even though Marvin probably had warned him of Flo's circumstances. The topic didn't even really surface.
They had talked about their jobs, Dave had talked about his dog, Flo about his cats, some funny stories from their family's and friends. Nothing heavy, nothing really meaningful.
But they still had fun, Dave had implied, even continuing the evening, going somewhere else. Which was just blissfully ignored, rolled over and acted like it didn't happen. Maybe next time. If there would be a next time.
Dave had dropped him off at home, after dinner. Had whistled at the nice house with the somewhat expensive car out front. Had made a comment about doing well for himself. Had asked, why it wasn't in the ad jointed garage. Flo had just shrugged it off. Not wanting to say, that there was a car in there, one that he was yet to move out and get rid off. Maybe he would do that tomorrow.
Or maybe not. Probably not. Probably never.
Dave had joked, about being invited inside for a cup of tea. But Flo had turned him down, told him he was tired. But honestly, he didn't know how to explain it to Dave. Why there was a second set of keys, why there were leather jackets that obviously weren't his, why there were boots and high heels, why there was a touch on literally everything, that wasn't so very obviously his.
Dave had looked disappointed, but Flo hadn't given it a thought. Not until he was inside and had to look at all those extra things, he didn't need.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
But he did need them. He needed to see her boots, that she cared for so meticulously. Needed to see the coffee machine that was probably the first thing up and running in this house. Needed to see the paintings hung up like in a gallery. Needed to feel the second blanked in bed next to him. Only to feel, that anything he touches was cold.
A small buzz broke the silence. He hesitated before turning his phone on and staring at the way too bright display.
Dave Zirkauski
Hey Beautiful,
I had a wonderful night with you. I would like to repeat it sometime. Maybe you can show me your cooking skills, you told me about? Or we could go to the movies and watch that movie we talked about?
I would really like to see you again.
Love, Dave
Flo starred at the message, unsure how to answer or what to think. A second date? And then here, of all places?
A second buzz stopped him in his tracks
PS You sure, you don't hide a wife and two kids in that house of yours?
It was supposed to be a joke. It had to be. Marvin must have not told him.
A wet sobbed escaped him, before he could even realize. Oh, how spot on that joke was. Just that he wasn't hiding them in here. No, he would love to.
Would love to come home to a smile from that round face. To those eyes watching him, as if he was the most special thing. Come home to a warm embrace, warmer words and love, given without thought.
But life didn't work that way. He had all he ever wanted, all he could've asked for. Tasted paradise. To just be tossed out again.
But he wasn't tossed out, was he now.
He still had the house, the one they shaped into their dream home. Still had the cars, picked with excitement, more the he could muster up for cars. Still had the garden, planted and build to his dreams. Still had the careful curated home inside the house. Still had their cats, his daughters. He just didn't have the root of all his wonders. Just the empty shell of a happy dream.
And to now let someone in here? Share a meal and laughs at the table? That seemed impossible. Even after a year, he hadn't moved on.
But eventually he would have to, wouldn't he? So why not with Dave?
He could never fill the hole in his heart, but maybe he could still fit in. He hoped so. And he knew, that she would have wanted him to. And wasn't that pathetic? Knowing that he should take down her things. Knowing that she would never come home again, to him and his girls. Knowing that the girls would wait endlessly by the door, for their coming-home-love-portion.
And still not being able to move on?
He just couldn’t. Maybe he was pathetic.
But even if he was. What was he supposed to do? Just forget and move on? That was impossible.
All of his tries had been pathetic.
„Better be pathetic while trying then not try at all, right Alex?“
Flo
How about Saturday?