In my busy life working in a strange place, I found someone who I quite admire. Their skin has a beautiful pearl luster, and when they smile it looks like clouds rolling together in a wondrous blue sky. They fill the space in the room with a warm, dense heat that envelops me like a plant in a tropical fetid jungle. They open the rooms in my heart and fill the chambers with all kinds of colours: deep wines, pine greens and flaxen shades. I feel like at any moment he will turn into a giant titan and smash the ice caverns that used to protect me. His skin is the softest Umber with tints of yellow, and when the light catches the skin, it resembles pools of light on a pond's surface. It's soft to the touch like a finely woven silk cloak and makes me feel comfort and security. If he was a statue he could only be carved by Michelangelo; his beauty which the flesh encompasses would need to be captured to the last detail. His biceps are perfectly rounded and create the most pleasing shape to his upper half: an hourglass-like shape which flows down beautifully into his lower half. His broad chest is defined beautifully, and his collar bones meet perfectly to his neck. It has the perfect width and rises to his square aligned jaw. His jaw meets in union with his ears to create a neatly constructed circle. The eyes are in perfect proportion with the forehead on a perfect line. The eyelashes are long and wondrous, curving up to the heavens in a wilting S, where they meet with the lines of previous smiles and memories. The colour of them is most beautiful; they are like green planets floating through the atmosphere with flecks of ochre browns and golds. They are on their way to transmit light before their inevitable journey into a black hole. His nose finishes this journey with symmetry, adding to the lines of his face by finishing off in a line met by a circle. His hands lay perfectly by his side on his big mountainous thighs which flow down into his perfectly well formed feet. I think I'm experiencing what people call love! I want to give myself completely to him and never leave his side like an ancient god and goddess in slumber. I want to experience the heat and closeness every waking moment and all my thoughts are consumed with it. To feel him touching me with his warm embrace and wrapping my body in warmth and comfort. Protecting me from any danger that could hurt me. Keeping all space comfortable and secure with me in mind, allowing me to express myself freely. We embraced and it's like the time and place we’re in melts away, into a place where the greenest fields and perfect virgin clouds wait for me. Creating the most comfortable resting place with him, with the sweetest, towering roses and sunflowers everywhere. Stroking my nostrils gently with their dripping sweet smells and filling them with luscious scents. I lay with him staring at the endless rolling clouds in their perfect formations and the bright yellow jewel in the sky, casting tender kisses on our skin. As he pulls away, I'm violently ripped away from that place and brought back to the boring place I was in before. This sudden pull shocked and disturbed me and made me come back to my current senses. Everything felt dull and colourless, with no purpose or meaning. I never want this new place to be forgotten or lost to me, I want to cherish it always and feel its softness in my hands when I touch it, before it's lost to time. We embrace again and the fabric is pulled away like a soft silk cloud and we’re back in that wonderful place. We lay close to each other and let the fragrant petals fall into our hands, tenderly pulling each petal from our hearts and crushing them into one bright mesh of colours; pops of reds, and soft yellows combining into tangerine. The flecks of deep red hues and bright yellows create a show with each other in the new colour created. It shines in all its splendor and magnificence creating a crown which shines brightly. Reflecting on his skin beautifully and making him look like he grew from a seed sprouted from this wondrous earth. We walk through this new place, his hand guiding me. We see other versions of ourselves, with happy children and many friends. Our gathering to be devoted to one another and our families cheering and celebrating for us, melting into a big picture. Amorous and out of reach, a perfect apple from a still life painting yet feeling so close.

I'm back in my office and feel the need to feed very strongly, I leave him and set out to find whatever mortal will satisfy me. I feed and feel the bright electric web moving through me again and conducting all my senses. I notice him watching and feel great shame and disappointment for this happening. He rushes at me and a void of anger and hatred spews forth. His body and mind became agitated and seemed to disregard me as quickly as we had embraced before. It was crippling to my chest and heart, squeezing it so tightly and filling my throat and mouth with the scent of anger and pain. In a searing flash it rips my throat and reaches through my chest to pull my heart out. He's a hunter and waits to destroy me. I let this onslaught and crusade of my heart happen. I am a divided being, filled with so much love and adoration, but this feeling is too much to bear. A giant planet crushing my back and making it harder for me to breathe and protest. The blackness from my heart is spreading into my brain and eyes, making the previous beauty and security I felt seem distant and worlds away. I desperately want to go back to that place with him and feel untouchable. I scream and plead until my throat cannot move and sounds cant be processed. It seemed to be no use. He was so set and resolute in his anger towards me that it was like trying to move a towering giant marble statue. My body and soul are completely black and grey, only allowing this pain to root me in place. I cannot stop myself from feeling this way. I try to suppress it, but it's no use. I can no longer plead and hold him and make him see my reality. I wail and feel the sweet saltiness streaming down my face as my lungs struggle for air and space. It's crushing me over and over then rebuilding me only to tear me down again. I feel no longer whole and indestructible. I feel like a holy idol torn down and trampled on, uncared for and all love lost for it. I try to focus on my breathing, but I'm pulled back into his hateful void with blackness covering my body. I feel torn from my stem and anticipate his destruction. I shrink within myself as his shadow looms over me like a colossus; I wish to shrink and shrink to avoid him. The previous sweetness is blending into the mixture and making me doubt my feelings. I want to destroy myself or him before it consumes me fully, but the divided part of me will not let me. The love and adoration creeps around the corner keeping my heart anchored. Another version of me keeping my heart from turning into prune and pulp. Everything is a sickly pale violet and I want to scream, but my throat can no longer make sounds. I am no longer rooted to him and feel no need to exist. A weed growing where it shouldn't on a planet that no longer belongs to me. Rejecting and expelling me only to pull me back and wrap in sweeter hatred. I feel a horrible mixture of anger and love, the most pain filled combination. Bright violent reds and dark pinks creating a fusion of ultraviolence and tenderness for things to be how they once were. I dig my nails into my palms and count each line and mark like they are the passing days of our love in my emotional cell. I must leave this time and place and be where I most want to be. Back with my child in the lands I so loved to call my own, her soft breezes and twinkling stars waiting for me. Brushing me gently and giving me the comfort and security I desire. I tread carefully not wanting to disturb this new found peace afraid it will shatter with any sudden movement. But he pulled me away again and reassured me, he felt too much and expressed it in a way I've never experienced before. Misunderstanding my intentions, he picks up my pruned and lifeless heart and brings back its colour and life. He places it back with care and touches my chest slowly. Its slow steady beats form again and stop my soul clinging to the floor and the blackness. I no longer feel rootless and feel put together. My stem growing back together and closing the tear. I'm back in that place with him, and while the colours are less vibrant I feel at ease. They have a new shine and luster to them, a sunset that's settled after a storm. He embraces slower and more carefully and whispers my name so tenderly making my heart and ears tingle. He's being more careful as though not to disrupt this place or himself, saying sweet things to me over and over. They reach my heart in a strange pattern, but start to fill my body with these colours. I can grow again and prosper in his light; he wants to nourish me more and never tear me down again. I want to prosper as one with him, a two headed sunflower with rose thorns, in a soil made for us. Always linked and independent to grow separately, to still feel him there when I need him. Our new petals will bloom bright and huge, giving us protection and the warmth of each other's embrace always. He says I'll be fine and I believe him with all my being and soul. To grow together even in a storm is a most necessary thing, to bloom from the cracks in stone. I know he'll look out for me and not let our endless dance and song end in a minor key. I see now that conflict was bound to happen; it gave me more perspective and stopped him from being in a constant pink. I see him for all the beauty in the torn and ripped edges and he sees me too. I know his soul as well as my own and we are the same, fully formed and imperfect. Yet we link together in a most pleasing way, fitting around each other's flaws and cloaking them together. We will trample them together and they will no longer get in the way. We will destroy anyone or anything that tries to get in the way together and grow together. As our embrace strengthens our bonded stem and makes the sunflower grow brighter and taller. The clouds seem to be imperfectly beautiful and part the way for the brighter sun rising over us and keeping us closer in union. I feel a new sensation, as if everything makes sense now and is no longer muddled with vibrant colors or the blacks and greys. I know him even better than I did before and will stand tall and proud with him. An ancient goddess standing by her god's side, a new era and time forming for us.

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As I reflect on this time I realize how lucky I am to have met him, from the moment I met him my world felt completed and fully realized. A painting made from all the blacks and greys and pinks and oranges we've experienced filling my soul and heart. I feel completeness and security and I know now what my purpose is.