The previously long days now felt so short as I walked through the usual lonely road.
DING DING DING
Even from a distance, the sound of the school's evening bells could be heard. Each chime brought about a cool breeze that blew through me as I snuggle tightly into my muffler.
"Maybe I should have worn another layer." I found myself thinking while I watched the falling leaves danced along with the wind. The autumn colors that surrounded me were mixing together with the golden hour that swept across the narrow path, bringing about such a beautiful yet melancholic sight.
"Ryuu-chii...!"
A familiar voice called to me from ahead, clear as crystal even through the still tolling sound of the distant bell. I didn't have to look to know who it was. Instead I immediately took a turn without even giving a glance, trying to get away as fast as I could.
"Yo, Ryuuko..."
But from behind came another voice. As if having expected me to try and run, she blocked my escape. Her arms were crossed and on her familiar face was a serious, yet sadden look.
"Please don't make this anymore harder than it has to be."
I could easily hear the weariness in Mifue's pleading voice. Despite her firm stance as she stood before me, I could see the reluctance in her eyes. It was clear that she did not want to do this but was not going to let me get away this time.
"Ryuu-chii..."
Suzuna called to me again, her voice more quiet, almost a whisper, as she got closer. I turned back to see a kind yet wary smile on her face. Hesitantly, she reached her right hand towards me and carefully grabbed ahold my left arm.
"Come on, let's go."
Her hand that held onto my arm was gentle, but her grip was tight. As if making sure I wouldn't run away. However I did not fight her, even as she tugged me along with her.
-
The three of us made our way back to the direction of the school as the sound of the evening bell finally died out.
Everyone was quiet as we walked together. Nobody said a word, with only the crunching sound of leaves beneath out feet. Mifue was following carefully behind both of us, I could feel her stares at my back but whenever I turned to her, she would sulk away as if not wanting to meet with my eyes.
Suzuna was walking by my side, her hand was wrapped around mine. Her grip was loosening once she realize I wasn't going to give any trouble but was still firmly holding onto my left arm. She was smiling weakly, as if forcing herself, every time I glanced over to her.
"Umm...it's been some time, hasn't it, Ryuu-chii?"
I didn't speak, but instead just nodded my head in agreement.
"You've been avoiding us, haven't you?"
"Mi-chii...shhh!"
Suzuna shushed Mifue before turning back to me with a sympathetic look on her face.
"...Umm...Are you cold? The weather has been dropping quite a bit these past few days. I brought some heat pads if you like one. Oh, or even better I have an extra pair of tights you can put on if you want, Ryuu-chii."
I did not respond. Instead I only stared at the ground and watched our feet as we all trudge along the school pavement. Seeing my lack of reply, the smile faded from her face as she wrapped her other arm across my left. Her eyes carefully moved over to where my right arm was, still swollen and covered in red marks.
"Does it hurt?"
I shook my head.
"I'd be surprise if you could feel anything at all. With the amount of times you must've pinched yourself, it's probably numb by now."
"Ryuu-chii, speak up if it hurts, okay?"
I weakly nodded my head in compliance. It was as Mifue said, my entire arm was indeed numb yet still there were stings of aching pain with every little movement. Each blow of the chilly wind was like a small blade sliding across my redden skin but I kept quiet.
It did hurt, not from the pain, but instead from the realization that this was indeed all real. That none of this was a terrible nightmare, and that no matter how much or how hard I had pinched myself, I won't wake up.
It hurts. It hurts so much, yet no matter how much it hurt...I was unable to cry. I could not feel anything. No sadness, anger, nor joy. Everything was so empty, as I shambled along with the other two who were slowly treading alongside me.
"We tried our best to speak to Koto-chii. Well, Mi-chii did most of the work but it should be fine now..."
"That girl is as stubborn as she is annoying. But despite all that she had said to you last time, I'm sure deep down she feels bad about it. She still worries about you just as much as we do, even if she might deny it. That's why, it's best we try to fix all this while we still can."
Mifue gave a weary sigh as she picked up speed and began walking besides me.
"Ryuuko...I know it's been hard for you but, we're still your friends. Please try to remember that."
I stayed silent and slowly nodded my head. Despite Mifue's kind words, it felt so hollow.
Friends...? That word...it sounds so meaningless. Friends...yes, they were my friends, were they not? Mifue, Suzuna, Kotono, were my friends.
Just as she was.
And just as she was; hearing those words spoken to me for some reason brought me discomfort.
"If they are my friends, does that not mean...?" Suddenly came a perplexing thought, as I pondered the point of all this. Suzuna's grip was loosening even as she continued to pull me, but she still was not letting go.
-
"You guys are late. Like, what took you so long?"
"Ahahaha...sorry Koto-chii."
I was brought to the back of the school where Kotono was. She was completely flustered, looking annoyed as if she had been impatiently waiting for us this whole time. Suzuna finally let go of my arm, although reluctantly, as she stepped over to Kotono's side and stood quietly behind her.
"So Ryuuko, you won't run away this time? I don't want to have to go after you again like before."
I quietly nodded my head and heard Mifue gave a sigh of relief as she too went over to where Kotono was. Her eyes were fixed on me even as she moved away, as if preparing herself to give chase just in case.
However, this time, I had no intention of running away. Instead I only stood there silently, looking over at the three girls with their backs to the school's wall. Kotono had her hands on her hips, also not saying anything as she only looked at me but her foot was tapping anxiously. It was as if she wanted to speak, but was instead waiting for me to have the first words.
"Kotono..." I finally opened my mouth and meekly allowed the words to spill out. There was much I wanted to say. Much I wanted to talk about. So much feeling and emotions that were bottled up that was waiting to be released.
"H-hello..."
Yet, those were the only word to actually leave my mouth. My mind was completely blank, as no other words of conversation came to me.
"Mmgh...Is that, like, all you have to say? Of all the things, shouldn't you at least- OW!"
"Kotono, we talked about this."
Mifue warned as she jabbed her in her right arm.
"Okay, fine! G-greetings are, like, important, yeah. Ahem! H-hey Ryuuko. It's been some time."
I nodded my head in reply, but was quiet.
"Errr...ummm...Like...The thing is...geez..."
Kotono's face was red as she seemed to also be struggling to also find words.
"It's good to see you're doing well..." I spoke up again. My voice that came out was monotone, as I tried to force the edge of my mouth to a smile. The usage of my facial muscles brought about a bit of unease, like the feeling of moving something that hasn't been in use for a long time.
It hurts.
"Huh? Y-yeah. The same for you too...like, you're looking...fine."
Once again, an awkward silence hung in the air. Neither one of us were speaking as we only stared at each other.
"This really is going nowhere with you two. Come on Kotono, what are you even doing?"
"Oooh! Quiet you! I'm, like, trying my best! You were the one that dragged me here without even, like, giving me time to prepare!"
"You had a whole hour!"
"You brought me here, and waited an hour at the back of the school? For what reason did you guys do all this for?" I asked, tilting my head.
"Y-you should know why. I..."
I watched as Kotono took a deep breath before turning to me with a serious look on her face.
"Ryuuko, I want to, like...a-about before. To say s-sorry. About what I said to you. It was just, like, I was angry when I found out about everything. I just didn't understand why you had to hide that...that you were friends with that girl."
"It was because you hated her. You’ve said it yourself." I bluntly answered her.
"O-okay, I know I've said that before. Like, yeah, but it still made me angry that you kept it such a secret to us. Did you think that we would hate you as well if we had found out? I wasn't, like, angry finding out you were friends with her, but instead because you lied to us. More than anything, I hate disingenuous people and you know that! Do we really look, like, that shallow to you, that you didn't even trust us? Were we not also your friends!?"
Kotono's words as she spoke felt as if it was the same as the wind, blowing towards me yet there did not feel to be any substance. I could feel nothing, even as I watched her squirm and struggled. She was trying to apologizing, but for what reason, I did not understand. My head was dizzy. My body felt cold, as I stood before the three of my "friends".
"Kotono, where are you going with all this? What is your point?" I said aloofly. My head was starting to spin and I felt like collapsing at any moment. It hurts. Everything hurts.
"Huh?! W-what is my point- I'm trying to apologize to you!"
"Is that so? For what reason? You did nothing wrong. After all, everything...everything was my fault. Heh...heh heh..." I suddenly find myself giggling. The moment those thoughts came to my mind, I could not help but feel amused.
All of this was because of me. It was all my fault, no one else's.
"Heh...heh ha ha ha...Why would anyone else have to apologize? Nobody did anything wrong. The only person who should feel bad is...ha ha ha." Turning to the shocked looked of the others, I watched as they were completely baffled at my sudden change in demeanor. Seeing the look on their face brought back memories.
Ah...how foolish of me. How could I have ever forgotten? The look in their eyes as they stared at me, were the very same that I had directed at me all those terrible times. Not just from them, but as I looked into the reflection of their eyes, I too could see it perfectly.
The image of someone; someone who should not be anywhere near them, or anyone else.
It was so strange, as a feeling of warm nostalgia swept over me. It was from this sight, their familiar look of bewilderment that was directed towards me, that brought about an unexpected comfort. Maybe, it was because in this entire sea of confusion and inapplicability, there finally was something I could understand as I stared into and saw through their eyes, the same disgraceful look of a person that others had always seen whenever they look towards me.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
They were all the same. Everyone was all the same.
"Ha ha ha..." I found myself chuckling again. My head started to feel dizzy as the air left my lungs and I was exhaling more than breathing.
"Ryuu-chii."
"Please don't come any closer." I exclaimed as Suzuna moved towards me with concern. She immediately stopped as I slowly took a step back away from them.
"Everyone, I was really happy. To be able to spend all that time with you. It was fun. I did think of you all as my friends. But, I don't think it's possible anymore."
"Ryuuko, what are you saying?!"
"I finally understand. I don't belong with any of you. I don't belong with anyone else. After all, I am nothing but scum." I replied with a pained smile.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! What the heck are you, like, trying to say?! Have you lost your mind?"
"Not at all. My head is clear and everything is finally starting to make sense. Ha ha...I don't deserve to be around any of you. This is what I get, for being such a selfish bitc-"
"ARE YOU EVEN, LIKE, HEARING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!?"
Kotono immediately grabbed me by the shoulders. Her hold was strong, gripping me so tightly, and prevented me from getting away as she violently shook me.
"Listen to me, Ryuuko. That girl...she's gone. She's not coming back! It's hard, but you're going to have to accept that. No amount of blaming yourself is going to, like, make a difference but you must get ahold of yourself!"
I gazed into her sadden eyes as she spoke. I could hear her words, yet I still felt nothing from them. Perhaps it was because I understand completely. I am completely fine. I am completely normal.
I feel nothing.
"Yes, she's not coming back. You're right." I repeated those words with amusement. "So what?"
"Ryuuko..."
"Kotono, Suzuna, Mifue...you're all such wonderful people. How great it would have been, if we could be together always. To stay friends with all of you. But to be around trash like me, you don't deserve such punishment." I giggled. "It would be better if you just forget about me-"
SLAP
"RYUU-CHII"
"KOTONO!"
A sharp pain came across my face as I fell to the ground.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! All this stupid self-blame...this isn't you! Like, where was the girl that was full of life when we first met? The one who during her class introduction spoke with such boisterous energy the entire class laughed and cheered for you when you said you're taking applications for 100 friends?! Are you telling me that everything you've done, all the time you've spent with us was, like, nothing but a lie?! That the one person we all, like, felt brought the most to our group, the one that we all, like, looked forward to spending time with every day, is this self-wallowing pile of disgrace?!"
"Kotono, that's enough!"
"Shut up! Answer me Ryuuko!"
Laying there, I could only stare up at the orange skies. My body was still as I felt the stabs of rocks beneath me on the hard school ground. On my right cheek was a burning sensation from where Kotono had struck me.
"Yes." The words left my mouth without hesitation. "I've been using all of you. I wanted to fit in with everyone else, I was afraid of being an outcast again. I kept my friendship with Asumi a secret because I was ashamed of being associating with her, abandoning her when she needed me the most just for the idiotic desire of wanting to be with everyone else, but was too selfish to let her go because I knew she needed me."
I got up and dusted my clothes as I turned to the three girls who stood before me.
"I knew what was happening yet I still did nothing to save her. I only thought of myself, and maybe even deep down, I had hoped for all of this. Awful...I'm awful, aren't I? I'm terrible aren't I? The absolute worse. Ha...hahaha..." I laughed quietly, hiding my face away as I spoke. "I don't deserve to be with others. I will only betray all of you as well. That's why...it would be best...if all of you just leave me alone."
"If this is, like, how you really feel, fine."
I peeked through my fingers as I heard her reply. Kotono was biting her lips and holding back her tears, a look of sadness and disgust on her face as she turned away from me.
"Koto-chii, what are you doing!?"
"This isn't supposed to happen! What the heck have you done?!"
The other two strongly protested but stopped when Kotono shook her head and whispered something to them. Mifue and Suzuna reluctantly glanced over at me, before bitterly looked away as well without saying another word.
"We couldn't help you."
Were the last thing I heard as the three of them left, without looking back. Watching the disappearance of my three "friends”, I should have felt something but there was only emptiness.
Was I supposed to be sad? I should be, shouldn't I? They were my friends...and now they are gone.
But then, why don't I feel anything?
Everything was so empty, as I stood there at the back of the school in silence. The only sound was the cries of the wind that blew through my ear but even it vanished, along with the light from the skies to be replaced by a blanket of darkness that shrouded the entire area.
"Ah..." I gave a small cry, when the realization finally dawned on me.
This time, I really was alone.
=
"GAAAH!" Takuya screamed in pain as he was thrown to the fleshy ground with great force. His head was spinning as he quickly picked himself up and immediately leapt out of the way of the flailing whips that appeared from inside the walls of flesh and red.
He turned back and saw that the President has been caught and was being tightly constricted by the numerous tentacles, unable to escape.
"Prez!"
"Forget about me! Get to Takatora! Hideyoshi, Mitsuhide is telling me we only have a minute left. You have to save her!" The giant man screamed at him before he was pulled away and violently smashed to the ground.
Gritting his teeth, Takuya turned back to the exposed figure of Ryuuko. She was being held within the center, tentacles wrapped around and restraining her. She was not moving, as if in deep sleep.
Takuya did not understand. Just as they were finally able to break through the outer shell and touched her, they were suddenly pulled in and was now trapped within this bloody structure. He looked down at his trembling hands. The brief moment they made contact with the girl, an occurrence of images and sounds had rushed into their heads and nearly overloaded them with strange negative emotions.
"That was the “resonant” they told us about? Were those memories? Were those your memories, Takatora?!"
This place was small. He could easily reach where she was but, for some reason, he was having trouble. It was as if his energy was being sapped and with each passing moment it was getting harder and harder to even stand.
Less than a minute, he was told. There was no time. No more options, as he could only scream and dashed towards the girl. With everything he got, he leapt towards her hanging body and desperately reached his hand out to her.
"TAKATORA!" His fingers barely brushed against Ryuuko before he was tangled up and immediately pulled back. He was so close, yet he was still unable to reach her, no matter how hard he tried.
"WAKE UP! YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP, TAKATORAAA!" He called out to her with the last of his strength, before being helplessly dragged away.
=
Everything felt like a dream. The time that passed by without stop, was short yet felt so long. The instantaneous days, where even the every day memories became nothing more than a passing breeze and were too insignificant to be recollected.
One by one, they all faded away leaving behind only conflicting feelings.
I...what do I want?
For what reason do I still continue on?
Was there a reason for me to change anymore?
These questions plagued my weakening mind.
Choosing a place; a high school as far as way as possible. Choosing to be away from any and all others that I once knew. Isolating myself from everyone, everyday sitting in despair as an outcast once again.
(This is fine, isn't it?)
When was it that the feeling of loneliness ceased to affect me? Rather, I do not remember when I stopped feeling at all. Yet, as I looked up at the inevitable, like a final act of cruelty, it all came rushing back to me.
Perhaps, it was all just a lie. A lie that I tried so hard to convince myself was the truth. That in the end, I have finally betrayed even myself.
(Cowardice...)
Scared. I'm terrified. Why is this happening? Was this not what I had always hoped for? Then why can't I stop shaking?
(Disappearing...)
Everything is becoming a blur. As if all the memories I've held on to so dearly all this time are now being torn away. I can no longer remember anything. Please...please don't take them away from me, I beg of you.
(Painful...)
My body aches. It hurts so much, even though is no wounds of any kind. Why am I in pain? Why must I be in pain? How long must it last?
(Hatred...)
Deep down, I was laughing. It was ironic, that this is happening. Good...let it happen. I despise all of you. Everyone...if everyone is to just disappear then that is good.
Let it all vanish. Let it all burn. This vile and disgusting world of scum and trash. But most of all; let it happen to the biggest and most disgusting scum of all; the weak, cowardly girl who have allowed such atrocious thoughts to consume her even at such a moment.
(Anger...)
Why is this happening?! Who is to blame for this?!
It's all because of you, isn’t it. It's all your fault! All your fault!
All my fault...
(Despair...)
"Please...somebody. Anybody, please...save me."
(Helpless...)
Maybe...maybe that was why on "that day", I did not move. The day the sky turned red and the ground trembled as everything collapsed.
Screams of horror, cries of despair and begs of mercy echoed throughout the world, as what cruelly came down from the bloodied skies was an appearance reminiscent of the jaws of a terrible monster.
On "that day", I stood there and only watched as it was all destroyed. In a blink of an eye, everything disappeared. It was such an awful sight yet shamefully, I found myself feeling relieved.
"I'm too scared to be alone, yet too scared to be with others. Perhaps, this too is a miracle. For everything to end like this."
I could only close my eyes as it all came down on me.
"Asumi...I miss you."
-
My eyes opened to the empty void of red. The familiar abyss that stretched to infinity without beginning nor end as I laid there on what seemed to be a black and solid ground.
I couldn't move, but even if I could, I did not want to. Looking down on me was myself, standing before me her body now completely flesh except for her right arm that was still a pulsating mass of darkness.
She stared at me, her empty eyes and her face devoid of emotions like a doll that was wearing my face.
"Do you remember everything now?" She said to me in a whisper yet the sound of her voice was loud and clear.
Weakly, I nodded my head.
"Do you finally understand?"
Again, I nodded my head. Her eyes stared intensely into mine, and mine to hers, as I watched her slowly came down to me. Her hands tenderly wrapped around my cheeks as her face got close, her forehead touching mine.
"It's all your fault..." She whispered into my ear. "It was all because of you. You stole everything from me."
"It was a miracle. A wonderful miracle; was what I thought when I first opened my eyes. To see her again, I thought I had gone to heaven. But instead, I was actually thrown to hell. I was trapped, unable to break away and could only watch helplessly as it was you who experienced all the happiness that was rightfully mine."
"How dare you...to have lived in such ignorance and bliss, while I could only emptily scream and curse at you from deep down, forever and ever. I hate you. I hate you so much. You did not deserve any of that. You are unforgivable." She said to me as her hands slowly moved away from my cheeks towards my neck.
"Then...was it you, that time...that came out? When we were on the verge of death, was it you that saved me from those monsters?" I asked quietly while lock onto her empty eyes as I felt her hands wrapped around my neck.
"...That's right. It was jubilee, the day I was finally able to break free. However, I was not going to allow those things to kill you. No...I wanted that satisfaction for myself. I awaited this moment for so long, so I could be the one to destroy you." She answered cruelly.
"Ah...is...is that so?" I choked as her grasp on my neck tightened. "Thank...you...ack..."
"Shut up. You had no reason to exist. You did not deserve anything that has happened to you. If you remembered that everything was your fault, then it would be better if you had just disappear."
"What...what will happen to you, once I...disappear?" I gasped, as my left hand weakly moved to wrap around the blackened portion of her right arm. I did not fight her, even as she continued to strengthen her hold on me.
"...I will disappear as well. Once you die, I will die also because you have already overtaken my existence."
"I see...is that what you want? Would...that...ugh...make you happy?"
"Of course. I am already nothing. Everything has already been taken away from me, except for this moment. This...this will be the only thing I can ever truly do as myself."
"Then...why are you crying?" I asked her as I watched the tears dripped down her face onto mine. As I spoke those words to her, her grip suddenly loosen. "Why are you not happy?"
"Shut up! How do you still not understand?! We...I am not allowed to be happy!" She exclaimed as the tears fell from her eyes. "Don't you know? You saw it all, haven't you? Everything...everything was my fault!"
"I betrayed her when she needed me the most. I abandoned her, even though I kept saying I would never leave her! I should have saved her, but I didn't! Not just her, but the others as well. I also betrayed them, lied to them, and I will no doubt have done the same to everyone else! In the entire world that I so despised and looked down upon, I am nothing more than a hypocrite and the absolute worst! Tell me, how could I ever live with myself?! My only option is to disappear; a disgusting stain to be wiped clean from this beautiful world!"
I watched as she broke down and cried. The girl who had called herself the "real" Takatora Ryuuko, I watched as she wept helplessly, her sobs echoing throughout the endless void. My body that was paralyzed finally began to move again, as I slowly got up and almost instinctively wrapped my left arm around her.
"I...I can't be happy. I'm not allowed to be happy." She sobbed.
"That's not true. You are." I said, as held her tightly in my arm. "You said that you should have saved Asumi, but you did. The times that she had spent with us...with you, those were times of bliss. Do you not remember her words? That your happiness is her happiness. You did save her. And not only her, but you saved me as well."
"Wh-what are you even talking about?!" She exclaimed, as she tried to break away from my hold but I held her tightly. "What do you even know?! You know nothing! You're nothing more than a fake. You're not me!"
"No, I am you. I finally understand now. You've been living in guilt for so long. You were trapped in an ocean of despair, in anger and hatred, not at others but instead at yourself. Unable to forgive yourself...I understand it all too well." I rebuked. "You were scared. Scared to get close to other people because you're afraid of betraying their trust. You don't trust yourself, to be able to hold on to any sort of happiness because you are afraid it will slip from your hand as it had so many times before."
"But, I will tell you that it's going to be okay. You don't have to torture yourself anymore. I...I am also "Takatora Ryuuko". I am the "Takatora Ryuuko" who deep down, wants to be happy. To fulfill the wish of a dear friend. I am the "Takatora Ryuuko" who wants to change, to not be alone anymore. To be able to fit in and be with other people. To smile and look them in the eyes with trust. I am the "Takatora Ryuuko" who...wants to be forgiven, after all this time."
"But...but..."
"It's okay. I know it's painful but please don't deny or reject me, because I am you. And I know that it is hard for you to forgive yourself, so that's why; I'll forgive you. Let us walk together, towards the path of redemption until you too, can also forgive yourself. One small step at a time." I said to her.
"...What use is your forgiveness if in the end, I am still alone?" She retorted as she held me tightly.
"You...no, we are not alone. We do have people who are there for us. Friends..." I shook my head.
"What do you mean?"
"The A.R.C. Can you not hear them? The ones who risked their lives to help us without any hesitation? The ones who reached their hands out to us, in our darkest time of need? Our precious clubmates?" I answered.
"TAKATORA!" Called a gruff voice from the darkness.
"President...!"
"RYUUKO!" Came another, more casual voice.
"Senpai...!"
"TAKATORA!"
"Ah...H-Hideyoshi. He's...he's alive." The other me gasped, as tears once again flowed from her eyes.
"Don't let the dark feelings break you down. You are strong, aren't you? You were admired greatly by her, and viewed strongly by them. You boldly declared it, didn’t you? That you won't ever be controlled or subjected to the whims of others, no matter who they are. You are not so easily beaten or broken, after all. That's why, stand up." I instructed her. “It’s time to go...”
The girl who was me released herself from my hold and slowly got up. Her eyes were closed as she turned towards the darkness that laid out before her. A long and arduous road, with no end in sight.
-
My entire body was trembling and my eyes were shut.
Yet, I stood tall. Slowly I opened them and saw a small light at the very far end. A tiny glimmer, smothered in the abyss of darkness, yet was shining so brightly as it beckoned me to move forward.
"You're not alone. I will always be with you." Assured a tiny, familiar voice as I felt a small, gentle push of a right arm from behind, allowing me to take the first step. "I am your Eve, and I am you. Now go. Go to your friends. Help them, and allow them to help you."
TAP
From the first step, where my foot touched the entire ground seemed to ripple and crack. Where there was a darkness, light poured out from the opened cracks and formed a brilliant road straight towards the distant flash.
TAP TAP
Another step, as I continued to move forward. I could now hear sounds; familiar voices of people that I knew I can trust. They were calling to me.
TAP TAP TAP
Picking up speed as I continued to move, my small steps became a walk.
And then my walk became a sprint, as I ran towards the blinding light that enveloped the shrinking dark abyss behind me.