Mary rested her forehead against the door frame and took in a deep breath. She had searched all over the manor for Ellis but still couldn’t find him. After over an hour of walking and investigating, she had one last place left to look.

“Ellis?”

She heard the sound of her voice echo off the walls from beyond the library door. No response came to her, and after a minute or two of waiting, she decided to go inside. Mary carefully transferred the plate of food to her other hand and turned the door knob until she heard a click. She then leaned her shoulder against the door and pushed with her body, careful not to spill.

Mary stepped into the middle of the room and looked around. She saw no one. The door to the library closed shut behind her, shielding her from the din of the dining hall below. She then walked slowly over to the writing desk, which stood next to an open window; Ellis’ sword was laid across it.

He was here, somewhere.

Mary put the plate on the table and looked around the room. Just then, a cool breeze poured through the open window and made her shiver. She reached over and grabbed the shutters to pull them closed. Pausing to look out onto the grounds, she saw a figure seated on the roof below. Mary let her hands drift from the shutters to the windowsill. She rested them there for a few moments before she spoke.

“Ellis?”

He said nothing to her.

“Ellis, come on. You’re missing dinner.”

The seated figure squirmed a bit at the mention of ‘dinner’.

“I’m not hungry.”

She sighed heavily and lifted herself up onto the windowsill. Carefully, she climbed out through the window and lowered herself down. Amidst her grunting, Ellis looked over his shoulder at her.

“Mary, you don’t have to come over here.”

“Yes—ngh, I do.”

“You gotta find the spot in the wall and stick your foot in.”

“Which spot? I can’t see it.”

“The one— no, it’s right there.”

“Where!?”

“There! Stop moving so much!”

“Wah!”

Mary let out a squeal as she lost her grip and fell from the windowsill. Ellis jumped up to help her, but Mary managed to land on her feet, sinking into a squat and holding out her hands for balance.

“Hmph.”

Ellis shook his head and walked back over to the edge of the roof and sat down, letting his feet dangle from the ledge.

Mary brushed herself off and peered over at him.

“You alright?” she asked as she walked over, “Sir Perry’s been asking for you all night. Ingrid too.”

“Yeah…I’m alright.”

“You don’t look it,” she said jokingly. But when Ellis didn’t respond with a retort of his own, she could tell something was troubling him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Ellis,” she said as she sat down next to him. “Whatever it is, you know you can tell me, right?”

“It’s just…” Ellis swung his feet slowly back and forth, staring out into the tree line. “What’s the point in celebrating?”

“We caught the thief and we got Byles his money back,” she said with a tilt of her head.

“Yeah, and it all went to shit.”

Ellis leaned back on his hands and turned his head away from her.

“Ellis, if it wasn’t for you, they would’ve taken Torren away to jail and then who knows what would have happened to him?” She waited for him to respond but he continued to ignore her. “He could’ve been killed,” she insisted, “And you saved his life.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Why are you being so difficult!?”

“Because!” Ellis cried out as he finally turned toward her. “Every time I think about it…I feel sick.”

“He attacked you with a sword!”

“And I beat him, Mary. I knew I could do it. After the first hit, I knew I would win— that I was stronger than him.”

“So what!?” Mary asked, shaking her head. “That’s what you trained for, isn’t it?”

Ellis bit his tongue and turned away from her once again.

“Mary, you don’t get it…”

“Get what!? Why are you so down about it!?”

“I was enjoying it!”

Ellis turned to her as he spoke and she met his gaze. He stared into her eyes and tried his best to keep calm.

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

“I knew I could beat him,” he continued, “So I just did what I wanted. It wasn’t even hard. It was just a game to me…pushing him around like that.” Ellis put his hands in his lap and interlocked his fingers. “And then they started cheering, and I just…I got lost in it all. I’d never felt so important. For the first time in my life, I actually had this power that I’ve always wanted.”

Mary pulled her legs from the edge and crossed them. She then placed her hands in her lap and leaned closer to Ellis.

“So, maybe you went a little too far with it…But even still, he could have killed you.”

As she spoke, Mary placed a hand on Ellis’ arm.

“Maybe I should have let him.”

Suddenly, Mary pulled back her hand from Ellis and whipped it across his head.

“Ow! What the hell!?”

Mary sat up onto her knees and slapped Ellis again, harder this time.

“Why would you say that!?”

Ellis threw his hands up in defense.

“Ow! Mary!?”

“Don’t ever say it again!” she demanded between repeated slaps.

“Quit it!”

“Promise you won’t ever say it again!”

“Alright, alright! I promise!”

Mary lowered herself back down with a huff. She used the last bit of her anger to give Ellis a shove and then brushed the hair from her face. Ellis wanted to curse her out, but stopped when he saw glistening tears in the corner of her eyes. She could feel him staring, so she blinked them away.

“Why do you always do that?” she asked him.

“Do what? Let you hit me?”

“No!” she said, slapping her thigh. “Why do you always beat yourself up like that? Saying stupid things and acting like no one cares about you. Do you really think that low of yourself?”

Ellis looked down into his hands. Silence was his answer.

“Ellis, you can’t possibly—”

“Yeah, Mary. I do.”

“But why…?”

“Because it’s true.”

“It’s not!”

“It is, Mary!” Ellis cried out desperately, gripping the sides of his head. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! I never know! I feel like I am just running around, and around, and around and I don’t even know what I am heading towards. All I ever do is make mistakes, again and again. I just feel so lost all the damn time! I can’t take it!”

Ellis lowered his head into his hands, hiding his face from Mary as the tears began to flow.

She wanted to comfort him but she didn’t know what to say. She had never seen Ellis like this before, and to see him in so much pain made her heart feel as if it might break right alongside his.

Ellis shook his head, continuing to speak between deep breaths.

“I can’t take it anymore, Mary. This feeling of never being good enough. I keep trying to be better. I keep trying to do the right thing, but what if…” He wiped the tears from his face with the cloth of his shirt. “What if I am only trying so hard to be a good person because I know deep down that I am not?”

Mary inched herself closer to him and grabbed his hand.

“You think all you do is make mistakes? I don’t believe that, not for a second.” Mary tried her best to reach him, but Ellis couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “Why can’t you see what I see?”

“I’m a killer, Mary,” he said as he pulled his hand away from her.

“You mean Egurd?”

Ellis said nothing.

“That was an accident, Ellis.”

Ellis shook his head.

“It wasn’t. I was so angry back then. I just kept thinking about what he was saying and I…I couldn’t listen anymore. I wanted him to go away. I wanted to make him go away.”

Ellis still hadn’t forgiven himself for that night. It was what Mary had feared ever since they had returned from Edge. Sir Perry had brushed it off, but Mary knew better. Egurd’s death still weighed heavily on his conscience, even after all this time; even though he was a terrible man who probably deserved to die.

“You’re not a bad person Ellis. Even if you killed Egurd, you didn’t kill Torren.”

“What difference does it make? I still—”

“It makes all the difference!” she said as she threw her hands in the air. “You could have cut him down. Everyone was ready for you to do it. You had every reason to, but you didn’t. You held back! So stop acting like you aren’t a good person because you are! A bad person would never have done what you did.”

“You’re wrong Mary.”

“How am I wrong!?” she asked as she folded her arms.

“I didn’t stop because of me…” he admitted. “I stopped because of you.”

Mary blinked several times.

“Me!? What did I do?”

Ellis opened his mouth to speak, but then decided against it. Instead, he smiled to himself and looked Mary directly in the eyes.

“What!?” she asked him, her face turning red. “Tell me!”

“I don’t know…” Ellis shrugged his shoulders and looked down into his hands, tracing the lines on his palm with his index finger. “I feel this constant doubt inside; so much, sometimes, that it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. But it’s always alright in the end because there is one thing I never have to worry about— you.” Ellis looked up at her. “It’s always you. Without you, I don’t know who I’d be. As long as you’re with me, I just…I get this feeling that everything will be alright.”

Mary’s face grew hot. She had never expected Ellis to say something like this to her; she wanted to scream. Her head was full of so many thoughts and feelings, but she couldn’t make sense of any of them. The only thing she could do was keep her eyes on Ellis. His stupid face. His stupid eyes. His stupid mouth curled up in a soft and tender smile. And for some strange reason, she didn’t want to look away.

“That was a dumb thing to say…” Ellis said sheepishly as he turned away from her.

Mary felt like she was floating. Something had changed, though she couldn’t be sure exactly what. What she did know was that Ellis was the cause of it.

“Well,” she said, finally breaking her silence. “If you believe in me, then I believe in you. So, as long as I’m here, I don’t want you to think those things about yourself ever again.”

“Alright,” he said, halfheartedly.

Mary slid herself next to him on the edge of the roof. She brought her legs over the ledge and let them dangle next to his. She could feel his warmth next to her and it drew her in. Mary stared at Ellis until he had no choice but to turn towards her. When their eyes met again, she spoke to him.

“I’m serious, Ellis. Never again. Promise me?”

Something about Mary in that instant made Ellis’ heartbeat quicken. Not in the same way as when he was training, but in a new and unfamiliar way. He felt scared, but also excited. Nervous, but confident. He studied the depth of her eyes, how they sparkled back at him, and the way the stray bits of her hair caught the moonlight. Whatever he had been feeling before, he couldn’t remember. Right now, there was only her. And he knew, from that moment until his last, that he would rather die than make her worry.

“I promise.”

Before long, the two of them became tired. Ellis lowered himself onto his back and folded his arms across his stomach. Mary, soon thereafter, laid herself down next to him —shoulder to shoulder— and rested her head next to his. Ellis relaxed himself one slow, deep breath at a time. Closing his eyes, Ellis felt the roof beneath him fade away until there was only the sensation of Mary’s body against his own. After some time, Ellis couldn’t be sure whether he was asleep or awake; he had never felt so at ease. He wanted this feeling to last forever. For every breath that she took in, he would let out one of his own. Above them, streaks of silver wove between the stars like threads in a great tapestry.

And they laid there together in still bliss until they each, and in their own time, drifted peacefully into sleep.