Was it really the right thing to do? Did I have a choice? Or was I given the illusion of choice and that was in fact the only way? No, I shouldn’t have done that. There’s definitely another way that I can go about doing it. However, in that moment I was engulfed in rage and strong emotions. Which in turn, clouded my judgement. I should learn to control my anger.

Was that the right thing to say? Does my poor choice of words anger them? Or maybe, the tone that I’m speaking in is too brusque? No, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s the combination of the two and I can definitely reword it to soften the blow and speak in a much better manner. However, back then I was nothing but an arrogant fool. Being arrogant from time to time is ok, but being a mouthful fool is unforgiven.

Was it proper to act like that? Was my personality makes people uneasy? Or perhaps, I just failed to read the room and behaved unaccordingly? No, that’s a textbook example of an asshole. Acting like you’re superior than other, as well as being the most unfriendly person is a recipe for disaster. However, at that time I was convinced that’s just how I was and actively ignoring other’s suggestions to change. I buried my head in the sand and suppress what my heart’s truly desired.

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I should’ve went left instead of right. I could’ve done my job a lot better. I can be a lot better friend. I would’ve live those years a lot more peacefully.

I keep blaming myself over and over again. I keep telling myself what the best solution was over and over again. I keep bullying myself over and over again. I’m so ashamed of my own past.

Is it okay to look forward to the future? Will I lead a normal and honest life? Will I stay happy until I’m old and gray?.

Everytime I stared off into space for too long, all of these thoughts and questions swirl around in my head like ingredients inside a witch’s cauldron as I keep on stirring. Or in this case, thinking.

Funny how I questioned my future even though I hate thinking about it, because all of my current problems are based and stemmed around the past. But eventually, I will quit my daydreaming and continue on despite everything.

I’ll carry my cross alone. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’ll keep walking towards it. If my bitter past comes back to haunt me, I will face it head on.