Note to self: never go to a frat party ever again! Second note to self: I’m never touching alcohol ever again! A throbbing headache pounded me, making me feel like it was going to split me in half. Guess I got blackout drunk. I can’t remember much after drinking the sip of beer. I hope I didn’t have such a low tolerance that it gave me a blackout. Whatever the case, my eyes were crusty and refused to open. After rubbing them hard enough, I was able to get a glimpse of where I was. “Where the hell am I?” I screamed as I stumbled to my feet.

I guess I’m not in Kansas anymore. The landscape around me had a blue tint to it. I looked at my hands and saw that the same blue tint was over my hands. There was nothing different about me that I could see, so I had to assume that it was the lighting. I was outdoors with no artificial source of light, which meant that the sun of this world was blue. When I looked up, it confirmed my suspicions, while also adding some interesting new information. The sun was smaller than our own. However, the greater discovery was that there was a second sun nearby. The second sun was the same size but was red instead of blue. I knew I wasn’t on Earth anymore, but how I ended up here was a mystery. A terrifying one. I trembled to imagine what could've happened to send me here. If this was just an elaborate practical joke, I'd have to congratulate them before telling that it isn't funny. Yet at the same time, if this was true, it was amazing! I always dreamed of exploring space!

“To inhabitant of planet RXV-739, you’ve been selected to appear in our gameshow, The Drag and Ditch, as translated in your language. There’s a spacecraft within two days’ travel, but in order to get it, you must defeat the other three contestants. We hope you enjoy your stay, because you’ve been Ditched!” a robotic voice announced before a cannister rose from the ground. I grabbed it and opened. Inside was what looked like a bulky watch. I grabbed it, noticing that there wasn’t a screen on the top. There was a button on the bottom side of it. I strapped the watch-like device to my left arm and pressed the button that was now facing me. The device opened up, revealing a large screen. It turned on, shining a bright white light. On the screen was a silhouette of an alien’s head. The alien head resembled the typical pop culture alien, with a large upper head and eyes while lacking a nose.

“Azk…Urk…Nara…Hello. Please give me a name to enter into my registry,” a robotic male voice said.

“My name is Quentin Alexander Smith,” I replied as I looked at the screen. The alien face logo disappeared and was replaced by my name in black. As far as I could tell, it seemed to react to both voice commands and touchscreen input. However, I was also a human messing with technology far more advanced than I ever had the ability to comprehend. Despite that, I was taking this rather well, all things considered.

“Name registered. Hello Quentin,” the robotic voice said before the screen changed to show a wire-frame model of myself. “Analyzing user biometrics,” the voice said. There was a brief pause before the screen changed to display a stat screen. I ignored the stat screen as I sighed.

“Let me guess, I’m in some sort of video game. That’s so cliché. Couldn’t I at least be in some old-fashioned sci-fi setting where RPG elements aren’t factors?” I complained as I thought this was just the cherry on top of this absolutely amazing day.

“Just kidding," the machine replied before switching to show a screen filled with abilities. Whoever its creator was, they had a sense of humor. "Strength, Speed, and other stats aren't very useful since abstract representations like not very useful. For example, someone could have great upper-body strength while lacking lower-body strength and vice versa. Aiming speed and running speed are different and don't have much correlation. However, there is one useful metric I can help with. Now let me find it." I found it intriguing, even if I intended to destroy the device once I got home.

“What are you called? Please don’t say you’re just called ‘the System!’ Whoever made you must’ve given you a name,” I asked.

“My technical name is the Sapient Attunement Device, or SAD for short. Now, let's show what abilities you have,” the device said before the screen changed to show my ‘abilities.’

Error! Psionic activation needed to access abilities! Attempt to sign a pact with a psionic entity before accessing abilities!

“I kind of already knew that I wasn’t a psychic,” I nonchalantly replied as I looked at the screen. While it was cool, the scientific part of my brain screamed at me due to the impossibility of it. Psionics was a pseudoscience that went nowhere due to its lack of evidence. And yet, somehow, it was a very real science now. I really needed to check the calendar to see what date it was. If it was the year 4000 or we started using Anno Spaceflightus or whatever, I'll know that nothing matters since we live in a bad science fiction novel now.

“While the abilities you'll unlock will be specially tailored to you, we don't have the time to unlock them. This competition is rough and I can only see a small chance of you succeeding,” SAD replied before displaying a map on the screen. “I will help you navigate towards the ship in case you don't want to end the competition yourself. But first, let’s get you a supply pack. I’ll mark it on your map.” I looked at the screen and saw a checkpoint to my right a mile away. I clicked on the checkmark, giving me some GPS style directions. I followed the instructions.

After twenty minutes, I found a backpack by the edge of a cliff. It felt like something was off. As if I had a sixth sense, I jumped to the right, dodging a sharp sickle that would’ve impaled my head. I turned around and saw something terrifying. Behind me was a seven-foot-tall insectoid with a set of razor arms. “Citizens of the galaxy, it’s time for a fight we’ve all been waiting for! A Chitakarn versus Quentin the Human! Let’s see who wins!” the announcer voice shouted to my annoyance. It seemed like I was on the backfoot here. Just like every fight I got into back on Earth.

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

“Zizrak!” the insectoid screamed as it pulled back its arms. I had a feeling of what was about to happen. I readied myself to make any necessary dodges. The insectoid threw their arms forward, causing them to detach from their shoulders and come flying towards me. But I was prepared. Seeing their trajectory, I jumped a few inches into the air. The razor arms embedded themselves in the ground without harming me.

I pulled the arms out of the ground and held them like scythes. Impractical weapon, but better than nothing. Before the insectoid could recover, I charged at them while holding back my makeshift scythes. I dropped one of the razor arms so I could get a better grip on one of them. The insectoid decided to prepare for a bite attack. What it didn’t know was that it made my day a lot easier. I swung the razor arm as powerfully as I could. The razors on the dismembered arm impacted the neck of the insectoid. It cut deep but didn’t decapitate. I jumped to the right to avoid getting bitten. There was no knowing what venom the insect could've had.

The insectoid attempted to knock the razor arm out of its neck, but its regrowing arms were nowhere near long enough to reach it. As it distracted itself with that task, I looked at my SAD and asked, "Do you have a universal translator or something? I want to convince it not to fight me."

"I'm sorry, Quentin," the machine replied, "but the universal translator won't work on it. My brain scans indicate that the specimen isn't sapient, but instead a bioengineered monster created to kill contestants to gain ratings." I sighed as it made too much sense. Ratings were king in the television business. If it wasn't, Survivor would've finally died a decade ago.

Unfortunately for me, my pondering was interrupted by a blade glancing my arm. I looked back at the Chitakarn to see that it was quickly regrowing both arms as it stared down at me. It was preparing itself for a charge, kicking up more dirt than I could imagine. I was going to die. This was going to be the end of my journey. So far from home, but given no chance of victory.

I started to back up when my right foot found no footing. Looking back, I could see that I really was at the very edge of the cliff. I gulped as I knew what to do, but didn't want to do it. The Chitakarn roared as it started charging at me. Putting my faith in my plan, I jumped back just a hair and started falling. I stuck my hand out, grabbing a branch that was growing out of the side of the cliff. The monster, on the other hand, leaped into thin air before plummeting towards the ground. I climbed back onto the cliff and looked back to see a pond of green blood at the canyon floor.

“Citizens of the galaxy, we have an upset! The Chitakarn has been defeated by the Human! With the strongest contestant out for the count, who will win this match? Vote for your choice now! And remember, there’s some merchandise for this match on our website!” the announcer shouted. I sighed as I looked at the dead alien. It was distasteful to kill. I drew my first blood, but I only had a solemn feeling. I wasn’t sad or happy. I was only filled by a feeling of solemnness because I did what I had to do.

I walked over to the backpack and searched the contents. I found a camelback filled with water along with enough trail mix to last a few days. There was a hammock in the pack, which I assumed was how I was going to sleep. I secured the pack to my back before I looked at the insectoid corpse at the canyon floor. I carefully navigated to the bottom of the canyon and noticed that it had a SAD as well. Deciding that it was better to be safe than sorry, I took off the SAD and placed it in my pack. I never knew if I would find someone that I would like to join a team with. Not here, but after I escaped this desolate wasteland arena.

I spent the rest of the day walking towards the spaceship on the map. Whoever placed the pack must’ve intended me to grab it. The water was refreshing while the trail mix was edible. When I reached the beginnings of a forest, I realized why they gave me a hammock. I walked a bit further into the forest before placing my hammock between two trees. I never liked hammocks, but I had to get comfortable as I laid down in it. I looked up at the night sky and marveled at all the stars. There were so many stars. Back at home, the light pollution blocked out any stars. But what interested me was that several constellations were different while others were the same, but in a different position. It was clear I was still in the Milky Way galaxy, just not in whatever sector Earth was in. I began to feel at peace until the announcer spoke again.

“Citizens of the galaxy, tomorrow is looking to be a big match! Never in the series history has a Human defeated a Chitakarn! Quentin the Human is currently on the lead in popularity polls, but he’s not safe yet. Gruma the Taraxian has defeated the Sorlok with her sheer strength. What’s about to unfold may not be a flashy battle, but it’ll certainly be interesting. Who’ll win this season of Drag and Ditch?” the announcer said before being cut out.

“Could he please shut up about this stupid Hunger Games BS!” I shouted at the sky as I opened up my SAD. I could see that it updated with more information.

Total Kills: 1

"Wow, thanks device! Way to make me feel like a murderer!" I complained as I scowled and crossed my arms. I hoped it wouldn't be accessible in court. If someone wanted to prove I committed a murder, they could just point to my kill count. But this wasn't murder. It was self-defense.

“I'm sorry, Quentin, but that's how I'm programmed. I was created for Special Forces units in the Qarri military. The Special Forces are paid based on how many enemies they kill, so they added the kill counter to keep track of who's in line for a promotion or a demotion,” SAD explained.

“Do I have to kill to unlock new powers? Is that how psionics work?” I asked as I looked at my device solemnly.

“No. Training is the greatest way to unlock new abilities, but sometimes users will have a restriction that only allows them to gain psionic powers through combat. And I know you’re going to ask about classes and experience points. Unfortunately, due to real-life not being a game, experience points don’t exist. As for classes, they don't really exist. You can form teams and assign custom roles to everyone, but those aren't classes, per say, but rather positions. I'd advice you team up with people with different skill sets. Perhaps your team will become the greatest heroes the galaxy has ever seen."

“Or perhaps I can just beeline for Earth and ignore all this space bounty hunter craziness," I replied. A sigh escaped my lips as I thought about the challenges ahead. If I won the competition, that meant that I had a free ride home. And if I got home, I'd tell everyone about this stupid gameshow. Not that there was much we could do since it was still the early twenty-first century, but I could dream, alright.

“What has my life come to?” I asked no one to particular as I stared at the sky. Overall, I could say that this was a strange experience. With any luck, I’d wake up tomorrow in my bed with my roommate chewing me out. I was pretty sure that would happen. This couldn’t be real. But if it was, I was going to get the hot alien woman that every science fiction franchise handed the main character. What were the odds that they were all unattractive or too alien? A lot, actually, but I refused to think of that.