Have you ever had a bad day? Like…an astronomically horrible day? Like a day that nothing could go right and the chances of everything abnormally horrible happening all at the same time increased like God had decided to make you the butt of his practical joke? No? Let me tell you what that kind of day is like.

“I’m… I’m sorry. I’m just not into you like that.” Mary said, rubbing her neck and avoiding eye contact with me. It was fine. Totally fine. She was allowed to have that opinion and the fact that I’d been in love with her since High School didn’t change that. So my brain said. But my mind hadn’t been laid bare to the woman whose perfect cheekbones had put me through sleepless nights. No, my brain and logic were functioning juuust fine. My heart and soul were two very different matters. Infinite sadness coupled with justified fury at myself threatened to slip loose at any second.

“Um… you okay?” Mary asked, waving a hand in front of my still frozen features. I needed to recover. I’d already destroyed this interaction. I had to escape with a shred of dignity.

“I’m fine!” I say waving my hand with a forced smile. “I mean- you’re fine! Not like ‘Fiiiine’,” I say this with the second worst tongue click and wink I have ever shown another person, “but you know, you’re… an upstanding gal.” Nailed it. Before Mary could get anymore confused or afraid of me I turned to leave. “Great talk, Mary! See you on Monday-” I stop as I slam into a street light. ‘When was that installed?’ I wonder as I fall to the ground, my face already stinging with tears from my rejection and unwilling make out session with a piece of metal.

Mary towered over me with a concerned look on her face. “I’m… I’m gonna go. I hope you’re all good.” She said as she awkwardly walked away. I wonder how I’ll ‘See her on Monday’ when I was fired three hours ago. It was that instant that made me think I should seize the moment and confess my feelings for my old colleague. You saw how that worked out. I wondered how this day could go any more wrong. A sudden flash of lightning answered my question. The rain came down in a post- apocalyptic deluge that made seeing even a few centimeters in front of my face impossible. So I laid on the ground, in the rain. Jobless and alone. Seems the old Gypsy was right.

“Is it because I’m gay?!?!” I scream at the sky.

“No! It’s because you aren’t that likable as a human being!” A random man answered.

“Thank you, I was talking to God!” Which, if you’ve ever read the Bible, doesn’t always pan out in your favor. Remember how I said this day was a horrible day? The kind of day where astronomically bad things could happen? Well, in that instant, God chose to respond to me with some meteorites falling to Earth. All large enough to destroy it on impact. But that didn’t register in my mind the second I saw that chunk of flaming death barreling straight towards me. What registered in my mind and came out of my mouth was, “FFUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” And that is the story of how I died. Any questions? Well, here’s the deal. We don’t always get the answers to questions we have. Life is great like that. But, I will move on. You saw how I died. What I didn’t tell you was that I came back to life.

Stolen story; please report.

You’re probably thinking, ‘Golly, she’ll probably have loads of adventures and meet someone special and save a whole kingdom!’ The truth is I learned a very important lesson from my new beginning. Two, actually. One- no matter how bad things are, they can always get fifty three billion times worse. Two- never underestimate a well placed banana. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let's begin with my tale of rebirth, redemption, and betrayal.

“UUUUCK!” I shouted as I sat up. Imagine my surprise when I realized I wasn’t a pile of smoldering ash. Instead, I was laying in a field, staring up at a meteorite-free sky. The sun was high and warmed the tall, soft blades of grass surrounding me to a comfortable temperature. I had no idea where I was, but it was better than what I left. I looked down at my body- oh my God what happened to my body? Gone were my long arms and legs- they were short stubs that ended in tiny fingers. Gone was my flat chest- oh, wait, no, that was still there. But my long hair, my comfortable clothes, all of it was replaced by a short body with a large head that felt too heavy. What the Hell was I? I stood up and nearly fell over. My heavy head was becoming more of a burden to me every second. Where was a guillotine when you needed one?

I ran along the grassy field as fast as my stubby legs could carry me. Was I a midget? I followed a route through dark woods that I seemed to know from instinct until I came upon a bustling village. People the size of giants shouted about deals on their carpets and sheep while other people loudly bargained the price down on a pair of clogs. As I passed a small stand that specialized in mirrors, I caught a glimpse of my reflection. I had short blonde hair that spiked up at all angles like a poorly drawn anime character. My round face was pale and covered with light freckles. My eyes were large and brown, looking very much like a scared deer. But what struck me most about my appearance was that I was a ten year old.

Yes. A ten year old. I couldn’t believe it either. I stood there for a solid ten minutes.