“I get it, Greg. But did you have to ‘finish her off’,” Peter said, air quoting the last part, “by stabbing the hell out of that jacket?”

“What’s the difference?” Greg asked, eyes widened incredulously as Peter questioned his method of monster slaying. “Dead.”

“It was a really nice jacket,” Peter said sadly.

After the fight was over, Peter and Greg shoved the lid of the sarcophagus fully into place but agreed that doing so probably wouldn’t keep creatures as physically strong as vampires from getting through. Not if there were several of them, at least. Still, Greg insisted that the grinding sound it would make if opened would alert him to danger even from a distance. He couldn’t say exactly how far that distance was, but ensured Peter that, for now at least, they were safe.

Peter bent to check the jacket pockets of one of the male vampires and couldn’t help noticing that this jacket, a probably-stylish-in-Italy black sport coat that Peter did not like, had no holes or slashes of any kind. He frowned, turning to glare over one shoulder at Greg. He sighed, and then picked up the jacket with his right hand. The softball sized monster core clunked to the ground. When his palm made contact with the soft material, it triggered his magical power.

Designer Sports Coat of Holding

Durability: 999/1,000

Quality: Excellent

Fun Fact(s):

1. It cost nearly as much to install a custom pocket of holding as the jacket’s original retail price.

2. Tailored for Travis Vermillion.

3. One of this jacket’s pockets is a dimensional space; items placed within the dimensional space have their size and weight reduced by 99%. Items within are not subject to standard entropic effects, and are instead held in a stasis, preserving all qualities it had when placed inside. Living beings cannot be placed within the dimensional space.

Unable to contain his excitement, Peter Mayhew squealed like a little girl that had just been given a kitten for Christmas.

“Greg!” he exclaimed. “Jacket of holding!”

Greg was wiping blood from his knife onto the thigh of his black trousers. He looked up, one eyebrow quirked. “Lucky find. That guy was about your size too, wasn’t he? Try it on.”

Peter held the blazer up by the shoulders for a better look. It did look to be just about the right size, but that was the only thing about it that Peter did not hate. It was black, for one thing. Polyester, for another. And worst of all, it was covered top to bottom with a gaudy, gold floral baroque pattern. He made a face.

Greg boomed out a laugh. “Not your style?”

“Greg,” Peter said, cringing as he continued looking at the stupid jacket, “I don’t think the word ‘style’ should ever be used in reference to this jacket. Not in any context.”

Peter set his backpack down and then, frowning, slipped into the jacket. It fit almost perfectly, which was nice. He felt like an idiot in it though. Hoping to find something that might lift his mood, he reached into the pockets. He was surprised when he realized that they were just pockets, not the dimensional tear like Greg’s travel bag. There was a ring in the left pocket and a business card in the other. Out of curiosity, Peter used his ability on one and then the other.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Kuzco’s Heirloom Ring

Durability: 10/10

Quality: Ancient

Fun Fact(s):

1. Placing the crown of this Heirloom Ring against a door within Kuzco’s domain will release or engage the locking mechanism.

2. This ring is one of eleven in existence.

3. This ring thirsts for blood with the same voracity as Kuzco himself once did. If worn, it will slowly drain the blood dry from the wearer without mercy until they die. If this scenario occurs, a shade of Kuzco himself will rise again - though with only a modicum of his original power.

Business Card

Durability: 1/1

Quality: Not Terrible

Fun Fact(s):

1. This business card was purchased (on sale!) from blistaprint.com.

2. The fax machine listed has been inoperable for 11 years, 1 month, and two days.

3. The proprietor of the listed business, Oliver Andre, is known to have the ability to acquire any magical item - for the right (and wildly varying) price.

The business card was for an antique shoppe in Venice, and Peter put it back into his pocket. The contact information of someone reportedly capable of procuring any magical item was something he’d want to hang onto. The real prize, however, was the ring.

It had a gold band, but its surface was blood red. Like some sanguine alternative to pink gold, but creepy. It had a massive ruby carved into the same likeness of Batman Peter had seen on the sarcophagus. Though he would never wear or sell the ring, the description provided by his ability suggested that its purpose was to act as a key to the locked doors of Kuzco’s domain. He relayed the information to Greg, who looked impressed.

“Peter Mayhew, you’re a gem. Without your ability I might have guessed it was a key, but probably not,” he said, patting Peter hard on the back.

“Let’s go with fist bumps or high fives,” he suggested, wincing. “Or verbally issued appreciation. You’re like, really strong. And while we’re handing out compliments, you’re not so bad yourself, big guy. What’s that, five vampires you murdered today?”

Greg smiled happily. “It’s been a pretty good day.”

Peter gave the ring to Greg, who put it into his pocket. Still curious about the jacket, Peter pulled open the breast and slipped his hand into the inside pocket. And there it was. Just like Greg’s travel bag, the second Peter’s hand went into the inside pocket he became aware of the contents and knew that he could summon anything from within straight into his hand.

The jacket’s previous owner, Travis, had a ludicrous amount of money on him. Peter did a little fist pump into the air and tossed a few stacks of cash to Greg. The big man chuckled happily and stowed the money in his travel bag. There was an uncomfortable amount of magazine pornography that Peter just removed and tossed to the ground next to the small heap of ash that had once been Travis. It was almost exclusively BDSM stuff that made Peter feel icky just from a glance.

He also found a collection of stamps contained within an old tin box, which he kept. It was an odd thing to find in a vampire’s pocket, Peter thought. But then, he guessed everyone had hobbies. As odd of a find as it was, the stamp collection was not even the strangest thing that Travis kept in his jacket of holding.

Holding up a set of rosary beads, Peter cleared his throat to get Greg’s attention. “So… do we think the late Travis here was a catholic, or ate a catholic? Also, isn’t Travis kind of a weird name for a vampire? It’s just so, I don’t know, normal.”

Greg shrugged as though it didn’t matter one way or the other. Peter supposed it didn’t, but it did leave him with another question.

“The cross thing, like in vampire movies…”

“Total myth,” Greg said. “If my time living on Earth has taught me anything, it’s that there is no god. Even if there was a god, the Christian God even, I don’t know why two sticks forming a T would have any significance whatsoever to the monsters that have been roaming the Earth since long before the story of Jesus. A cross is nothing more than wood to a vamp.”

“Huh,” Peter said thoughtfully. He went back to searching through the jacket for more goodies.

In addition to the surprising items he found in there, Peter also noticed some far less surprising things. For example, Travis had about ten gallons of blood stored in what looked like very expensive wine bottles. Peter had no use for blood, but decided against just tossing it to the floor with the porn. If more vampires did end up coming through the sarcophagus, he wasn’t going to leave them a snack.

The clothing of the other two recently deceased vampires netted Peter and Greg some interesting stuff too. Most of the items Peter did not recognize, but there was a second Heirloom ring that Greg gave to Peter in case they were separated. Greg provided the illuminating explanation, “Vampire stuff,” when Peter asked about the other items. He wanted to give most of it to Roma, which Peter readily agreed to. He’d already made out like a bandit from the jacket.

With the likelihood of more vampires coming after them, Peter and Greg had a finite amount of time to have a look around and, ideally, find another exit. For now, the battle was won, Peter was still alive, and the loot was looted.