Ch 5 - mk 1

Might rework dem ch 4 cuz its consistency resembles chunky peanut butter right now…

http://mu.ranter.net/design-theory/writing/dungeon-design

^he speaks le truth. Deez problems need to be addressed using political tactics - writing off your strengths as your weaknesses and lots of chanting.

Additionally, a subtle jab was added towards ranking systems with too many ranks above ‘A’ by using the satirical D

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Part 1 -

My eyes focused in an instant.

I’m sitting in the middle of some kind of crowd here

We seem to be arranged in a kind of donut shaped stadium around this large circular podium in the center.

A man in a white suit is standing on the podium. He is also wearing a ridiculously large top hat. That thing is a good foot tall.

“Hello everyone, I am Head Administrator 3 and I welcome you to the first ever Administrator Expo/Contest!”

“After building your creations in sandbox mode for this thirteen-millennia cycle, it is time to pit your creations against against each other in the ultimate showdown!”

Hundreds of flash pots started spewing out sparks all around the stage.

“Arrag piece of shit” He roared.

After flailing momentarily, all the flash pots disappeared. Unfortunately, his top hat caught fire.

“Anyways, the contest is called ‘Satan didn’t pay rent so we’re evicting him.’”

The crowd burst into laughter, more at his flaming hat than anything else.

“Joking aside, it’s actually called ‘Pandora’s boxes.’”

“The objective of this game is - AHHH” He said, screaming as the fire burned down to his head.

Taking his top hat off, he instantly put the fire out and poofed a new hat into existence.

Suddenly, someone shouted, “HAHAHA HE’S BALD”

Instantly fuming, he roared, “IT’S FASHION YOU GODDAMN UNCULTURED HEATHENS”

Upon closer inspection, I notice, indeed he does have a horseshoe haircut. It wasn’t really noticeable due to how tiny the patch was, but it was there.

Stuffing the hat on his head, he yelled, “Hey, do you want to know how to play or should I just start dumping you on the surface of a neutron star?!”

The stadium turned silent in record time.

“That’s better.” He muttered.

“Anyways, the point of the game is to be the last dungeon core alive! If you die, you’re sent back to the lobby, and you’re out!”

“Be sure to note however, that some people will be betting, so if you lose too early, some people might get mad and screw up your shit!”

“Additionally, nuclear fission and fusion have been disabled planet-side, so don’t bother trying to start up some kind of arms race. That shit is boring so NO NUKING.”

“One additional thing you need to note: the Curse of Babel will be applied to all of you so cross team communications will be… more interesting.”

“I’m not telling you any of the lore because you were bad children. Figure it out yourselves. I hope you all have rotten luck, and the fortunes of war never favor you.”

Suddenly, the room got really bright to the point where all I could see was white.

When I finally blinked away all the spots, I found myself in a cozy 10x10 waiting room with a screen.

With a flash of light and a light buzzing sound, not unlike the kind from those old TVs with the electron guns, the TV popped on.

“Hello, if you are seeing this message, that means that you have passed the idiot test by not laughing at the administrator that holds the power to make your life a living hell.”

“Therefore, you are entitled to exactly one (1) additional hint.”

“The hint is simple, if a city-state manages to destroy a god-spawned dungeon core, all the residents of that city-state gain powerful ability boosts. So if a neighboring dungeon goes down, start fortifying or you may find a very large problem on your hands relatively quickly.”

“Beginning the temple of gods counter-inception transport sequence.”

“Destination: Plane of Existence ■■■■, [Testing Ground Alpha-Foxtrot-2-2-1-0] in

3.

2.

1.”

My surroundings simply… changed. As if two random videos were spliced together with no animation.

“Pandora’s boxes will open in one hour. Please set up your dungeon layout. Notice: Dungeon wall material is impossible to mine. Expansions must be purchased using Dungeon Points.”

I appear to be hovering in midair. Wait, am I a cube? This is actually kinda cool. I can see in a full 360 degrees around me. I could get used to this.

Connecting a line to my mind-demesne, I say “Alright peepz, we are in operation. Build the dungeon and stuff. I don’t really give a shit about how it looks.”

Walls start to fly around and arrange themselves into fancy designs.

Using my map sense, I watch as people start spawning in. On the thirtieth, a notification came up. “Maximum complex entities (30) spawned in ten (10) room dungeon.”

Six of the ‘role-playing’ melee brawlers ran over to me and despawned after a sixty second delay. So entities have the ability to despawn around me?

Five rooks and Shiro spawned in after the six left.

One of the rooks took off his gas mask and clipped his visor to his helmet.

“Hey Rene, how’s life?”

“Kano!”

Wait, how did I talk? Do I even have a mouth?

Part 2 -

After much discussion and chanting, we managed to decide on our first simple creature.

It was a close match between the golems and the goblins, but in the end, the goblins won when I pointed out just how easy it is to predict low level golem attack patterns.

The very first species you buy for your dungeon turns out to get special modifiers. The special modifiers for golems was “Defence Up 1” and “Strength Up 1” while the special modifiers for goblins was “Speed Up 1” and “Intelligence Up 1.”

I argued that with the thinking buff and speed buff they could complete instructions quickly and accurately, while the golems would just be a brick with legs.

The goblins spawned with random equipment, some with boots and a sword, some with a helmet and a spear, etc.

I ordered three to guard the main entrance and the rest to set up an ambush behind some strategically placed empty crates in the second room.

When the sealing gate vanished… nothing happened.

I ordered one goblin to go outside and one to tail him.

It would greatly benefit us to learn out what weapon systems the residents of this world use.

The first thing I see though the goblins is a group of forty or so people with varying degrees of armor. I guess it would be fair to call them ‘adventurers?’

Behind them is a large medieval townscape. There are at least a good twenty thousand residents.

“Move all goblins to form a wall in front of the gate. Move the elite light infantry (rows 3+) into the ambush positions.” I order. “Also, paint the elite light infantry into war savages. Basically make them look as scary as possible.” (native american war tribes, if you will)

Heh. Any visitors are in for a nice surprise.

Immediately, goblins scurry outside and form up a wall three deep and twenty wide.

All goblins with spears went to the front to form a phalanx while the other goblins gathered behind the spear wall.

For several minutes, there was a tense standoff.

Finally the standoff ended when the town militia arrived.

A swarm of arrows fell on the goblins instantly leaving half of them dead or dying.

The town’s forces charged forwards.

Some of the goblins dropped their weapons and picked up the spears of their fallen comrades. Then, the phalanx of spears charged forwards and found their marks in the flesh of the lightly armored ‘adventurers.’

Goblins in the back provided some arrow support, although not very much.

Unfortunately, the large heavily armored adventurers armed with only a shield bashed through the formation, just as the militia flanked; the badly outnumbered goblins were instantly crushed between the two forces and driven back.

“Order the few surviving goblins to fall back into the dungeon.”

Every goblin still capable of instantly turned back and sprinted for the dungeon.

Part 3 -

Adventurer A POV

Leather armor polished. Check.

Bow in working order. Check.

Bristling with anticipation, we prepared to explore the new god’s dungeon that appeared an hour ago.

Apparently, if we destroy the dungeon core, everyone in the city will gain a large power buff.

If I accomplish something like that, I’ll be promoted to A-rank for sure.

Then, the doors of the dungeon vanished.

Two goblins came out.

What? Goblins? Does this mean that this is a beginner dungeon?

“Lucky us!” Someone cried.

Everyone was about to rush up and slaughter the two goblins, but then something weird happened.

A small goblin army came out.

But that wasn’t even the creepy part.

The creepy part was that they formed up ranks and a spear wall up front.

I’ve never seen goblins do that before. They usually just charge up and attack whenever they see a human.

“Somebody call the militia, we are outnumbered!”

Somebody sprinted off to get the militia.

The goblins just stood there in their positions.

On closer inspection, each of these goblins look poorly equipped.

Each goblin has a weapon and some piece or pair of armor.

Minutes later, the militia arrive and we begin the attack on the dungeon.

Nearly eighty arrows fly into the goblin formation, but somehow, most manage to dodge being fatally wounded.

Nonetheless, we charge the goblins.

Panic instantly set across the goblins and some of them begin to shake.

Suddenly, it’s as if a wave a calm washed over the goblins. The goblins pick up any spears on the ground and… throw their extra weapons into the crowd of charging adventurers, managing to hit a few.

Then, instead of retreating in the face of such odds, they reformed the phalanx of spears and rushed into the charging mob of adventurers, impaling at least half.

The militia flanked the goblins and crushed half of them instantly under maces and clubs.

Instantly, they all turned and fled at the same time.

The few goblin archers in the back provided cover fire as stragglers got back into the dungeon.

Shocked out of my stupor, I raised my bow and picked off a fleeing goblin.

Fueled by their success, the adventurers and militia charged in after the goblins.

I followed closely behind, only to witness a scene of carnage.

A group of twenty or so randomly armored humans covered head to toe in war paint charged out behind some boxes, whooping.

They charged through militia and adventurers alike without resistance.

It was as if they weren’t even there.

“IT’S A TRAP” someone screamed out before his head flew off his shoulders.

What the hell is this… they must have cursed weapons for them to be fighting like this!

“Everyone get down,” Ruriko cried.

Ruriko is an AA-rank attack mage, who is crazy scary.

Instantly, I throw myself to the ground.

The savages realize what was going on quickly as well, and they scatter or pick up a dead body as a shield.

The five that picked up a dead body as a shield are instantly incinerated by a large beam of fire.

The savages looked at each other… and laughed.

Then they rushed Ruriko.

The first one to her punched her in the gut, hard.

He caught her in midair as she flew back from the punch, and tossed her to another savage behind him. Picking up her staff, he followed the other one back.

“New orders! Take the rest of them alive!” One of the savages said.

They can talk?

A group of five sprinted past us, bouncing off the walls and blocked the exit.

“Drop your weapons and put your hands on your head!” One of the savages ordered.

“You’ll never take me alive!” One of the swordsmen declared.

The closest savage just shrugged and chopped his head off.

Why are swordsmen so cocky?

“What about your orders?” One of the adventurers yelled.

“Orders are more like… ‘guidelines.’” A savage answered, as they all started laughing.

“Yeah, it’s open to interpretation” Another pitched in.

“Hey, this guy’s got shiny silver things!”

“No, give it back!”

“This one’s got them too!”

“Hey, stop! This is burglary!”

When we leave this place… if we ever leave this place… we’re gunna be a helluva lot lighter.

Part 4 -

We managed to subjugate the invaders successfully.

Hilariously enough, five of the elite light infantry were turned into roasted potatoes. (i has skin, potato has skin, therefore, i is potato)

“Yo! That was fun, can we do that again? But make it harder this time!”

“Yeah!”

These guys really love this world, don’t they...

I switch to human form and sit down on Shiro’s lap.

I didn’t realize this was possible, but apparently, somewhere in the contest rulebook, there were extremely specific specifications specifying exactly what abilities each form was supposed to have with lines drawn so clearly, not even the best lawyer could argue about double meanings.

One of the rooks escorts ‘french frier’ into the room. She has blue hair that falls to her petite shoulders. She’s handcuffed and she is wearing both an anti-magic and strength suppression collar.

Apparently slavery is a big thing in this world so these items are really cheap in DP.

Additionally, she’s being restrained at the end of a snare pole. They’re really not taking chances, are they…

She’s brought to a stop ten feet in front of me.

“Who is the leader of your town?” I ask, emphasizing every syllable with utmost clarity.

“When the S and AA ranks get back, you’ll regret being born.” She spat.

Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.

“Kano, you’re good with women… do your thing with her.”

“Gladly” He says, laughing.

After being handed the snare pole, he guides her into a room to the side.

The interrogation room was actually a great idea. It’s equipped with everything you need to get information from even the toughest of little shitnuggets.

He closes the door and I just switch to his sensory feedback.

Now in his point of view, I watch as he takes the snare pole off and rubs her hair from behind.

“Now, I’m going to ask a few questions, okay?”

“You won’t get anything out of me!” She yelled, so loud that I picked it up from my own ears.

“Maybe not you, but I’m sure your ‘friends’ would talk… with a bit of encouragement…” He said, tapping a knife on her breasts.

“They won’t say a thing…” She said, quietly.

“You don’t seem too confident… say we… stripped you, and let whoever give simple, common knowledge… do whatever they wanted to you for say… ten minutes.”

“Common knowledge?” She asked.

“Yeah, you know… the name of the town, number of militia and adventurers of each rank, identities and drawings of each S-ranker… simple stuff like that!”

“I’ll tell you what you want to know...” She said, barely audibly.

“Alright then!” Kano said, clapping his hands together.

“Question number one… what are the colors of your panties?”

“What?!” She practically yelled out. “How is that ‘common knowledge?!’”

“Well, we’d know when I strip you for your friends to see… their prize”

Wow, Kano is brutal…

“Blue.” She said softly.

“What? I can’t hear you!” He said, laughing.

“Blue,” She said, louder.

“Good girl. What’s your name, anyways?”

“Ahina Heintze” She said.

“Next up, what is the name of this town and what country is it in?”

“This is the city-state of Kilead.”

So they’re an independent city? Does that mean that a city was generated for each dungeon teleported in?

“Oooh, a city-state! Who’s the one in power?”

“Technically, it’s Emperor Stacy, but he can’t do anything without the pope’s consent.”

“Does this Emperor have any children?”

“He has a daughter who’s going to marr-”

“I’ve heard enough. Thank you for your cooperation.”

“What about the numbers of S and AA ranks? The troops?” She asked, surprised.

“Absolutely no threat.” Kano said, dismissively.

“What?!” She exclaimed.

“Actually, one last question.” He said. “Where is the Emperor’s house/palace thing?”

“It’s a massive thing at the middle of the city, you can’t miss it… wait, you can’t be planning to kidnap her… a hundred of your savages couldn’t break into the place.”

“First of all, I WILL kidnap her, second of all, I’ll do it alone.” He said, on the way out the door.

“What?!”

Switching my own sensory feedback back to primary, I find Shiro happily rubbing her cheek on my head.

“I approve of this plan.” I say as Kano walks out of the interrogation room.

“You’re seeing a girl, aren’t you. I know that face.” Shiro says accusingly.

“Actually, he’s kidnapping one.” I chip in.

“Can I ask you for a favor?” Kano asks, scratching the back of his head.

“What do you need, besides a miracle?” I ask.

“Guns. Lots of guns.” He replies. (Ref: Matrix(1999, film))

“Apparently, the gods have already figured this out for you.” I said, executing a buy order for a Negev and a crate of pre-packed ammunition.

On second thought, let’s add a motorcycle with a sidecar.

“Are you guys stupid or something?!” Shiro and Adina cried.

“There’s a motorcycle waiting for you in room one.”

“Does kidnapping a girl really justify the use of all our reserve DP?!” Shiro exclaimed.

“He’s kidnapping the emperor's daughter. Hopefully they’ll marry each other and Kano will be the next emperor.” I say happily.

After Kano left, I ask Shiro, “How many wives do you think Kano will have by the end of this?”

“Three at least.”

“What makes you so confident?” I ask.

“Whenever he went to ‘get curry’ back at Kotonashi Academy, he really just went to the girls’ dorm and had sex. In fact, 98% of the pregnancies at that school were because of that dick-for-brains.”

Suddenly, she lowered her voice, “Also, I don’t have evidence yet, but I suspect he’s our Izumi’s apostle.”

You wot moit?

Part 5 -

The goblins and light infantry pushed the motorcycle up to the top of the stairs where Kano boarded it.

The ammo crate was placed in the sidecar.

A soldier, seeing the commotion, fired an arrow at Kano.

Kano casually reached out and caught it with his gloved hand before throwing it aside.

Lifting up the Negev, he turned the archer and everyone behind him into a piece of swiss cheese. Really holey swiss cheese with blood dripping everywhere.

The field was so quiet you could hear echoes the gunfire made.

Tossing the gun into the sidecar, Kano jumped on and rode off towards the town.

After he went about fifty meters or so from the obelisk, sensory input cut off. I knew he wasn’t dead because the goblins could still see him.

So my range of control doesn’t extend too far out above ground…

I guess now I should expand the dungeon so I get more personnel?

Oh wait.

I spent all the DP.

Well, shit.

Part 6 -

Kano didn’t return that night, or the night after.

There was a lot of gunfire and there were tons of explosions.

DP Generation is really slow. It’s a point per god per hour, plus a negligible amount for the captured personnel, plus 0.2 points per room per hour.

Whoever planned this entry-plan was a warhawk rather than a tycoon… by quite a bit too.

Using the DP generated from the two days Kano was gone, I bought ten rooms on the first floor.

Since rooms are cheapest closest to the earth’s surface, I decided to just make a large one story deep dungeon first before starting my journey to the center of the earth.

On the third day, a wild Kano with rags and a negev strapped to his back showed up.

Geez, what on earth did that to Type IV body armor with 『Magic Nullification II』?

He had a red haired female wearing a nightgown in a princess carry.

I’m assuming this girl is Emperor Stacy’s daughter…

After placing Stacy’s daughter on the ground, he fell over like a sack of potatoes.

I walked over to him and sat on him, occasionally poking him until he despawned.

Then, I summoned Fate’s shapeshifter on the entry pad. It had a Blank face. Skin like white ceramic. Pretty much featureless. So this is the thing that got stabbed by like thirty swords.

“Your mission is simple. Infiltrate the city and gather intel. Await further instructions from Fate.”

Nodding, it immediately departed, taking a form consisting of a mix of features from two of the adventurers and some of the silver coins.

Fate should be helping the shapeshifter and should be able to convey information between us.

Getting assassins/spies into the city-state should be a priority. That way I can get an intel web out and start ‘encouraging’ the city officials.

Not even five hours after sending the shapeshifter, I got a message from Fate saying twelve imperial palace guards and four royal court mages were heading for the dungeon.

I sent a horde of twenty goblins to test the waters.

They got blown up by a single spell resembling a cluster bomb.

Well then. Hostile relations it is.

I sent the remaining forty scattered out across the landscape.

Two rooks were deployed as well, one with full riot gear and one with the negev with a scope *cough* duct taped *cough* on, for uhh, machine gun sniping.

The ‘sniper’ charged out and threw himself on the ground around twenty feet from the obelisk while the other one advanced to around the 40 meters from the obelisk and stood there waiting.

When the group got about sixty meters from the obelisk, the leading rook fired off a flare and pulled out a megaphone, roaring out, “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A RESTRICTED ZONE, CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY OR WE WILL REMOVE YOU USING LETHAL FORCE.”

The group completely ignored the rook.

Upon closer inspection, the party had armbands with “AA” and “S” on them.

“Actually, let’s keep these guys.” I say. “We can parade them around like dogs to demoralize the city-state.”

Since they weren’t yet in the 50 meter area, the rook took out a grenade launcher and fired tear gas canisters around the party.

“When they cross, focus mages first.” I order.

“Roger.”

Although the tear gas seemed to have a visible effect at first, they simply summoned some wind to clear the gases.

After they clearly passed around the fifty meter area, the leading rook drew an assault shotgun and laid waste to the charging knights.

They quickly threw up a rock wall around them, but the second rook opened fire. 7.62x51mm ammo from the negev blasted holes through the wall and shredded anything in it’s path.

Didn’t Kano already go on a terrorizing spree? Didn’t they understand what these weapons could do before they came here?

The leading rook charged up to the wall and duct taped a kilo of C4 to the wall.

After running back to a ‘safe’ distance, he detonated the charge, strapped his shield to his back and ran through the hole, pepper spray and stun baton blazing.

With the foolish trespassers pacified, the light infantry and respawned goblins rushed out with stretchers and anti-magic and suppression collars. Shiro casually blinked out to them.

From the moment blood stops going to their heads, they have about four minutes before brain damage occurs and healing magic stops working.

Sixteen groups of people rush out towards targets designated by Skynet.

Each person is efficiently packed onto a sketcher, secured with an anti-magic and strength suppression collar, and given a partial heal by Shiro.

Only a partial 『Advanced Heal』 (intermediate and basic heals cannot replenish blood) to keep them from dying though. We have to chain them up in the dungeon before we can fully heal them.

After we bought some beds using DP, we eliminated the need to despawn people. Of course, I didn’t need to sleep, but nonetheless, I’m still used as Shiro’s body pillow.

Kano led Adina into the room where the expedition force was held.

“Surprise! Now, do I get the reward for the bet we made?” He asked.

Bet? When did Kano make a bet with the French Frier?

“Alright, what do you want.” She asked, gloomily.

“To have sex with you.” He said with a warm smile.

“Alright, wai-- WHAT?!” She screamed.

A mix of shock and confusion covered the Kileadian faces.

“I need to do something,” Shiro said. “My woman senses are tingling.”

Woman senses? Whatever could that be…

Seconds later, Shiro blinked next to Kano.

She brought her staff down on his head and casted a 『Toggled Contraception』 spell on him.

“Hey, ouch, what was that for!”

“Do you know how many problems you caused in Kotonashi Academy?” She softly whispered. Although she was quiet, her voice was laced with icy malice.

“Ummm… a few?” Kano said cautiously.

“A HUNDRED, FORTY-SEVEN PREGNANCIES IN THREE YEARS.” She screamed. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MEMORY WIPING AND OTHER SHIT WE HAD TO DEAL WITH?”

So that’s what she meant, by 98%.

“AND THAT’S JUST THE PREGNANT ONES, WHO KNOWS HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU ACTUALLY DID…”

“He actually managed to successfully get 90% of the girls in his grade,” Izumi whispered “Don’t tell mom, but I helped him…“ she said, snickering. “Damn, if we had another year, I could have gotten them all…”

Why do I feel like my daughter is playing the equivalent of an eroge from a male’s point of view?

By now, everyone was looking at Kano in shock.

“Almost… a hundred… fifty…”

Ignoring everyone, Kano simply picked Adina up and headed out.

With a pleading Adina over his shoulder, he disappeared into an adjacent room dubbed ‘The Kano Room’ by some of the gods.

My head’s getting noisy. I’m going to sleep.

Part 7 -

Emperor Stacy POV

It’s been an hour now since we’ve sighted the bright red fireball.

It’s clear that they’ve all gone off and died.

“Call Senior Minister Chillingham, we have to inform the Azsertech Empire.” I order.

Ten minutes later, in a dark room covered in strange purple paint we call, ‘the communications room,’ a line to an Azsertech Empire ambassador was established.

“Ello, Stacy, my moit. How’s loif on the eastern front?”

“Rather messy, if I do say so myself. A force consisting of a single man came out of the [Pandora’s Box] and wiped the floor with my city’s defences. He then captured my daughter and left.”

“Oh moi, we’ve got quiote the issue here, don’t we.” He said. “We can’t have a city-state under the protection of the glorious Azsertech Empire be made fools of… Rest assured, a subjugation team of X-XXX ranks woill be on their way.”

“Be careful. We dispatched the AA and S ranked elite expedition team, but we haven’t heard from them since.”

“Is that so?” He muttered. “OI’ll also send in the YoiYoi-ranked blood princess then. We need to ensure that all hostages are rescued without foil.”

“Take care.” He said. “We wouldn’t want to lose our largest source of protection money, would we… A team woill be pulled from other regions. They should be fully briefed and ready to go within the week.”

“Thank you.”

I smile to myself as the line is cut off with a flash of white light.

For the war mongrels of the Azsertech empire, a YY rank is pretty much a high ranking commander that has proven themselves through merit in live combat.

This pitiful yet weird dungeon will be crushed.

I always knew paying all that protection money would be worth it.