Three minutes later, Sam was watching as Giichi hauled two large valise cases out from a storage cupboard. Cora was beside him, obviously trying not to cling to him while at the same time trying to be as close as she possibly could.

He realized he didn’t mind that.

Pearl was there too, on her customary perch on his shoulder, one arm wrapped as far around his head as it could go, hand holding fast to the opposite ear. The little narrator fairy had been curiously quiet up to now, but Sam could still practically feel the relief emanating from her small form.

Relief he shared, he would hasten to admit. Dire as the situation was, however much his rational brain wished his friends were out of this danger, he couldn't deny that he felt better with them here.

And behind them all, standing in the corridor like some ancient tomb guardian, was Sally. The huge woman held the door to Sam’s former cell in her left hands as casually as Sam might have held a volume of engineering theory. The rune on the door still blazed brightly, if not quite as brightly as before.

“Hurry up,” he hissed, glancing back down the corridor. “We’re running out of time.”

“I would say ‘have patience’,” Giichi rasped as he dragged the suitcases out of the cupboard, “but it is clear that would have no impact. Instead I will say; these cases contain the necessities of my trade, and will be invaluable during our escape. Once we are free of the palace, I will need a quiet workspace in which I can inscribe runes in that will prevent the lich from following our trail.”

“Whatever,” Sam growled, glancing over his shoulder again. “Move faster.”

The possibly-undead halfling grunted but clearly made an effort to increase his speed. Cora darted forward and grabbed one of the suitcases, and after a brief hesitation Giichi released it into her hands.

“Great,” Sam said. “Which way now?”

“Take the west corridor and down the stairs there.”

“Wait,” Sally’s head dipped down to eye level. “How the fuck are we getting out of here if we go down?”

“Oh I apologize,” Giichi growled right back, shouldering his way past Sam. “Did you want me to lead you out the main gate and down the primary boulevard of Phyrexes, perhaps during a fanfare and ticker-tape parade? No. We will descend into the depths of the palace and use one of the subterfuge gates.”

“The what?” Cora asked, raising an eyebrow.

“The gates Araxesendenak uses when he wishes to act with subtlety rather than flashy grandeur.”

“Hold on,” Pearl said this time, squinting at Giichi. “King Boney? Subtle? The same King Boney who built an entire palace out of the bones of his enemies and once tried to blow up a volcano because he thought it sounded funny?” She caught Sam's blink and shrugged. “Rakky told me about it a week ago when we were playing poker with the goblins.”

Sam saw the halfling pause and frown in thought. “I suppose,” he continued, “I should say ‘if he ever decides to act with subtlety.’ I am unsure if that particular circumstance has ever arisen before.”

“Great. Let’s get moving,” Sam said again, eyeing the rune on Sally’s door. It was visibly starting to fade.

The five strange-looking companions fled down the bone corridors, empty except for them and their footfalls. It was unnerving. Dungeons should have more guards, shouldn’t they? Yeah, Giichi had sent them away… But where were the patrols? The back-up squads? No guards, no warding spells that he could see, not even an automated gnomish turret or goblin-made spinning blade trap. It was… Wrong

“Where is everyone,” Sally’s voice rumbled from where she was bringing up the rear, still lugging the door around.

“These corridors are seldom-used,” Giichi rasped. “Only the king or his advisor Cuthbert ever come down here, and even then only to torture or otherwise interact with the prisoners. Any security is provided by occasional skeleton patrols and guards, and of course by the wards on the cell itself and the tattoos.”

“I noticed those,” Cora said, glancing down at Sam’s arm as they went. “What do they do?”

In as few words as possible, Sam outlined their function. Cora was scowling by the end of it.

“No wonder we couldn’t contact you! Your mother was worried sick.”

“I thought she was gonna start busting heads,” Sally said with a grin. “Your mom is awesome.”

“Can any of you contact them?” Sam asked hopefully. “I tried when I first got here but–”

“No,” Cora’s voice was soft and apologetic. “It was the first thing we tried when we appeared in your room.”

“After stepping on you, anyway,” Pearl added, shooting a glare at Sally.

“That was not my fault,” Sally objected. “I don’t even know how we got here. It was most certainly not my intention to squoosh Sam.”

“Hoow did you get–” Sam began, but a rough hiss from their possibly-undead guide cut him off.

“Silence.” Giichi turned a baleful eye on them. “Just because these corridors are infrequently used does not mean there is wisdom in babbling on. Now hurry, we are near the stairs to the lowest level.”

They rounded a corner, and Sam skidded to a stop. Giichi plowed into him from behind, but the wizened halfling was so light it barely affected him. There, ahead of them, was a stone archway beyond which were stairs leading down.

And on either side of the archway were a pair of skeleton guards with long spears and heavy shields. Beside them, each in their own small stone alcove like the guardians of some ancient crypt–which Sam supposed was apropos–were another dozen heavily armed skeletons presumably in some sort of suspended animation, ready to be called for reinforcements should the need arise.

Four pairs of eye sockets turned to stare emptily at Sam as he came to a halt. He felt Cora’s hand grip his bicep. For a long second no one moved.

“Let us past,” Giichi said, stepping out from behind Sam. “We have business on the lower floors.”

The skeletons looked at Giichi, back to Sam, then to the others. One of them nodded and stepped to the side, followed by the others.

“That was too easy,” Sam muttered as they all started forward cautiously. “They should have–ack!”

“Don’t jinx it, dummy!” Pearl hissed into his ear, drawing her free hand back in case she had to smack him again.

“But why aren’t they stopping us?” Cora murmured from beside Sam. “They are clearly guards. They should not–Eep!”

“What did I just say?” Pearl growled, flitting back to Sam’s shoulder and shaking her slapping hand out from the ringing cuff she’d just laid upon the back of Cora’s head. “I swear, it’s like you people want something to go wrong!”

“The rune on the door interferes with their recognition triggers,” Giichi whispered. “As long as it is active–”

“Hey guys?” Sally’s voice cut them off. “The door’s stopped glowing. That’s a bad thing, right?”

The skeletons stopped as one, turned back to the little group, and lowered their spears.

“You jinxed it!” Pearl wailed.

“Halt,” said the first one in a voice devoid of inflectionl. “Prisoners are not allowed on this level. Return to your cell at once.”

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

“They are in my care,” Giichi said, drawing himself up haughtily. “Stand aside.”

“Prisoners are not allowed on this level for any reason. Return to your cell immediately.” Though it was delivered in the same monotone as the first command, Sam sensed a subtle change. The skeletons’ balance shifted, their intent sharpened, and he felt the air solidify just a bit around them.

“Giichi,” he started to say.

“Lord Araxesendenak has demanded these prisoners be taken downstairs,” Giichi said, glaring. “Will you stand in his way?”

There was a soft chime that drew Sam’s attention upward. A tiny piece of the ceiling was glowing, and a moment later a projection of Lich King Araxesendenak suddenly faded into view between the party and the skeletons.

“Greetings,” the image intoned in that same nasaly tone Sam had come to know so well. “If you’re seeing this, you have unwisely invoked my name in some kind of cockamamy escape attempt from my rather luxurious dungeons. You should know, ungrateful pleb that you are, that there will never be a scenario in which I have ordered prisoners to descend these stairs, and the skeletal guards here have been not only informed of that fact but created from the ground up with that truth embedded in their very marrow.

“In short,” the projection said with a flourish of one hand, “you have chosen the exact wrong escape plan. This projection will now notify my physical self of your escape attempt, and I will come to retrieve whatever bits of you remain un-perforated by my guards. Tah!”

“Shit,” said Sam, already bringing up the control menu for the harness.

The skeletons charged, spears leveled. Sam grabbed Giichi by the collar and yanked the ancient halfling back, just narrowly keeping him from getting skewered. At the same time he flung out a hand and sent a telekinetic hammer blow that slammed into one of the guards and bowled it over. The undead lost its grip on its spear, which clattered to the ground and rolled forward until Cora swooped down and scooped it up.

Three guards continued on. One swerved to the side to engage Cora, who let out a yelp and started backpedalling furiously, swinging her spear inexpertly to try and keep the skeleton’s blows from landing. Another one advanced on Sam, then stumbled suddenly as Pearl shot forward and buried her sword up to the hilt in the skeleton’s armored chest.

“Hah! Take that you stupid bony–Woah!” The narrator fairy suddenly had to dodge backwards to avoid a heavy swipe of the skeleton’s claws. “Hey, you’re tougher than you look!”

The last of the four guards made straight for Sam with the single-minded purpose only an undead monstrosity could possibly muster, and Sam had to dance and weave to avoid the spearpoint jabbing towards his sternum. There was no opening, and these weren’t the low-level security he’d dealt with upstairs. These were some kind of enhanced skeleton, their speed and reflexes were much greater, and it was all he could do to keep those spear heads from punching holes in his flesh—

“Sam, duck!”

Sam dropped to the floor instantly at Sally’s basso roar, and a second later something huge and heavy blasted through the space he had occupied. The door to his cell, solid oak and iron banding, thrummed through the air and hit the skeletons like a ram. One was blown apart from the force, the other one was scooped up and thrown the length of the hallway to impact against the far wall. Cracks appeared on its skull, and one arm had been torn clean off, but it hit the ground and immediately started to lever itself back to it’s feet

And then with the deep thrumming sound of some ancient bell being rung, the dozen skeleton warriors in their alcoves raised their heads andin one synchronized movement drew a dozen sickle-swords from their belts.

Sally stepped forward and planted herself between Sam and the skeletons. In perfect lock-step they exited their tiny alcoves and leveled their blades at her, ignoring the narrator fairy, Sam, and even Cora, still engaged in frantic combat with the last original skeleton.

Sam did not ignore that one. He didn’t have Thumb Bane anymore, but he wasn’t a level-1 weakling either, and the harness still granted him massively enhanced strength and toughness. He might not have his own mana pool, but the harness could make up for that.

In this case, it made up for it when he slapped his ‘mass’ setting to -10 and simultaneously used his telekinesis to launch his suddenly much-lighter body like a human missile at the skeleton fighting Cora, then slammed it back to +10 a bare second before he hit. The effect was roughly that of a charging rhinoceros wearing size-12 work boots landing a drop-kick right in the undead thing’s jaw.

The skeleton’s head tore off its shoulders, and Sam managed to get in several solid punches as he headed towards the floor, shattering bone and pulping ribs, until he hit the ground hard enough to crack it in a flurry of bone dust and skeleton shards.

“Thanks!” Cora gasped, dropping her spearpoint and sucking in deep lungfulls of breath. “But we need to help Sally!”

“Right,” Sam hauled himself back to his feet. “Hang on Sall–”

He stopped, staring, as a dozen skeletons charged straight at the massive red-skinned woman. Each one was glowing with dark necromantic energy, obviously heavily enhanced, with their sickle-swords and board shields raised, presenting a unified and deadly-efficient front towards her.

They never stood a chance.

Sally’s two right hands closed over the first one’s upper body as it lunged at her, and they snapped its head clean off like it was made of matchstick. One of her left hands ripped the sword straight from its hand–taking the hand with it, Sam noticed. Then she flung the rest of the animated corpse into its charging fellows, tangling up almost half of them before they even reached her.

One of them did manage to reach her, just a few steps ahead of its fellows, and it immediately became clear this was not an advantage. All four of Sally’s hands, now balled into fists–one of which contained a rather comically-undersized sword–came down on its head in a viscious overhands blow. The creature was practically driven into the stone like a tent peg, its skull pounded flat and its leg bones jutting out of its ribcage.

The other skeletons hesitated, as if seeing for the first time the enormity of the threat before them. Sally let out a whoop and waded in. The skeletons charged.

The skeletons hit Sally like a chicken hits a bandsaw.

Sam stared in awe as Sally tore into the undead like they were made of paper. She held her stolen swords in her lower hands, using them to strike and deflect the skeletons atracks. Her upper hands lashed out in devaststing blows, crushing bone and shattering cartilage.

Two of the dozen skeletons were reduced to pulp in an eyeblink. Another tried to stab Sally in the side. One of her left hands grabbed the spear head as if it were made of cloth instead of sharpened steel and snapped it right off of the shaft, following that by lashing out and crushing its breastplate with a kick from one huge foot. The skeleton was flung backwards and when it struck the wall it blew apart in a shower of bone shards.

Then, as casually as if she were closing an open window, she flipped the spear still in her hand and rammed it point first into the eye socket of another skeleton. The back of it's head blew out, and it dropped like a sack of wet laundry.

Sam stared at the carnage as it unfolded, feeling his jaw drop. Beside him, Cora was staring too. And Giichi. And Pearl, alighting on Sam's shoulder with an audible thump.

“Hey Sam?” The little narrator fairy said after a second.

“Yeah Pearl?” He asked, not turning away from the battle.

“You know all those times I teased Sally back in the dungeon?”

“Yeah?”

“I think maybe I should apologize for all that when this is over.”

Sam reached up and caught a piece of femur as it tumbled through the air towards his face.

“Might not be a bad idea,” he said in a dazed tone.,

The second skeleton drew a sword from its belt and charged in. The blade whisteled in and struck Sally’s fore-arm… And sparks flew as if it had just tried to slice through solid steel.

“Ow.” Sally grunted, turned, and brought all four fists down on the skeleton in one massive over-hand blow. The undead creature was driven to the floor, its skull pulped and crushed halfway down its spine.

As the living whirlwind that was Sally tore through the remaining skeletons, Sam almost idly reached up and tapped a symbol on the side of his glasses, activating the Identify spell baked into them. A moment later a message popped up and began to scroll across his vision.

Name: Sally

Class: unknown

Level:unknown

Race: War Oni

***ERROR! ESSENCE CONNECTION NOT FOUND! CONTACT SUPPORT IMMEDIATELY***

DESCRIPTION:

Oh. Wow. Okay, so, imagine it's your very first day on the prison yard, and as is tradition you look around for the biggest baddest mofo around to go and beat up to establish your cred.

Now imagine that the biggest mofo currently in the yard is ten feet tall, possessed of near impenetrable skin, the inherent battle prowess of a gnomish war blender, and works out by tearing bricks in half.

That guy is the War Oni's bitch.

War Onis are rarely seen outside the deepest floors of the highest level dungeons, and often function as the major bosses within those dungeons. They are among the most dangerous fighters in the world, and the highest level ones are said to have been the inspiration for several varieties of ancient war deities. If you have one on your side, you're equipped to take on entire armies.

If you have one on your enemies list, well, better update your will.

Better do it soon.

Sam watched a long list of powers, skills, and innate abilities scroll past, then minimized the screen and watched as Sally tore the arms off of two different skeleton guards and used them to beat a third into shrapnel.

Yeah, he thought. That sounds about right.

In barely a handful of seconds, the fight was over. Leaving Sally breathing hard amongst a veritable boneyard of destroyed undead. Her muscular ruby form was drenched in sweat, her midnight blue hair wild and sticking out in every direction. And when she turned back to the others, there was a pointy-toothed grin of pure manic joy on her sharp feature.

“That was... Satisfying,” she said with a wicked glint in her eye.

“Wow,” breathed Pearl. “Sally, that was… Amazing.”

The little group stared at each other in the sudden silence.

“What in the world are you?” Giichi asked, his sunken eyes wide.

“I don’t know,” Sally said. She raised her hands up to her face and stared at them in wonderment, then a shark’s grin creased her lips and she let out a low chuckle. “But I like it!”

“Stop gawking and run,” Cora gasped. Sam looked over at her and saw she was bleeding from three different wounds, none of which—thank the gods—looked too serious. “Didn’t you hear the message! He’s on his way!”

Sam blinked, uncomprehending. Then his eyes widened as the little part of his brain that remembered things kicked into gear.

I will come to retrieve whatever bits of you remain un-perforated.

“Oh. Hell.”