I’ve read a lot this week, not for enjoyment but for learning purposes.

Then I reread my own work. There were so many problems with it that I couldn’t quite put them into words. SO, I’ve found the best proofreader I could just to read my work and discuss it chapter by chapter. 10 chapters.

I wanted to understand myself and the people’s tendencies and minds. The thing is, I have an identity crisis and a few mental instabilities that I don’t wanna get on to. What I’m trying to say is I’m not normal. My mind is fucked, and so is my fiction.

Anyway.

I now understand why this fic is rated so low and why it is failing.

First, the obvious stuff:

Fucking Monika.

The user retention from chapter 1 to 2 is 40%. It’s very low.

Writing her is HARD. I just sit for eons to come up with a single nonsensical paragraph that somehow makes sense. But how is it supposed to be understandable by others when I can barely understand it myself?

The main character should have been Hel. The story should have started from the third POV from the beginning to the end. It might seem like a bad idea to you guys, but in my opinion, Hel is as complex as Monika and plays as much role in the story. Monika should have been the mysterious side character of sorts. The cover art I’ve commissioned has both Hel and Monika in it.

The second problem is the writing quality. It sucks.

An example of good writing quality is the first chapter. Not the style, obviously. I’m talking about sentence structure, emotions, content, grammar, vocabulary, etc. From then on, it keeps deteriorating. If you compare chapter 1 with chapter 15 per se, it becomes obvious.

The reason?

The first chapter is a single chapter I’ve spent time on! I did many revisions and research for it. From then on, it’s become ‘I write I post.’.

While starting out, I thought- ‘Well, there’s no backlog, but I have a rough outline and PASSION, so it should be alright.’.

But weak I got his passion torn apart since he wasn’t ready to receive so much criticism. What remained was pure commitment and trust in myself that also got torn apart as I learned and understood that what I write lacks in many ways.

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The third problem is my ambitions.

You have read 34 chapters and still have no idea about the power system, the world, or even the characters. Why? My dumb ass! I have built 10/10 power system, 10/10 world, 11/10 characters, and I have no idea how to explain it all! I’m fucking frustrated at myself for it! What is the point if I can’t put it into words properly!? There’s a difference between mystery and borderline confusion.

The fourth problem is that I’m an attention seeker.

I am very passionate about writing. But all this follower count, rating, numbers, etc got in my way when starting out. Insecurities. Instead of fully committing myself to writing the story, I’ve been coming up with and wasting money on useless ads and shenanigans to get people to read it.

Which was fun in and of itself.

But I care more about writing!

I want to write a world-renowned classic! Dreaming big is what adds beauty and suffering and hence beauty to life.

There are dozens more problems, and what I’ve listed is just a tiny chunk of them.

So, what am I getting at?

I first wanted to finish the first story arc and then take a short break to do heavy editing. But now I’m convinced that I need a damn rewrite.

I will write short stories and maybe some light-hearted comedy until I feel fully prepared to create a masterpiece.

But now I suck. Fuck me.

I will start a new account and plan on abandoning any type of advertisement. No easy ways. Perhaps I won’t get proper viewership for weeks, months, or even years, perhaps I will drop writing as a whole and give up sometime, but this is the most logical thing to do, and this is what I hate and want. Only when my writing surpasses any other will I get views.

Then, one day, I will come up with a rewrite. That is, of course, if I don’t end up coming up with anything better. But no matter how the story changes, there’ll still be Monika. Whether a main character or not.

It's just like how there’s still Helion in Dungeon Corporation despite being the MC of Keeper of the End.

Then again, this is words only. Who knows how reality may change? You know how trustworthy I am.

In the end, all I can do is apologize. I won’t be giving any empty promises this time. I hope I can repay your readership one day by truly coming up with the writing that changes and shapes how you think, a groundbreaking and sensational work that I can be proud of and not be insecure about.

I hope I can one day fix myself—my stupidity and temper and instabilities.

At the end of the day, I have no regrets about starting it all. I did lose money. I did lose the summertime. I did laze around on some days and nerves (lots of nerves). But I’ve learned a lot both as a writer and a human being. This was as fun as it was painful. So, 2x fun since pain is fun.

Feel free to share what you think and roast me in the comments.

I am an asshole, so that’s the least I deserve, I guess.