The mess hall is in uproar tonight. Charlemagne's new magic loot, especially his newfound magical ability to make spices out of bug spleens, has been a big hit. Most of the monsters who have claimed tables are chatting over bowls of stew and chunks of some dark bread you don't recognise. Keth is already on his third bowl, the goblin children crowded around him, seemingly in awe of his ability to eat more than his bodyweight in food. Sith is sat staring at her second bowl, half eaten and with a third untouched next to her with a complicated expression on her face.

The five of you sat at the large table have something different. A torso of some kind – wolf perhaps, and based on the state of the ribs probably one that fell through your trap holes on the mountain above – on a bed of chargrilled vegetables.

You could get used to eating like this, and from the appreciative moans coming from your girls, you don't think you're the only one.

Charlemagne himself is pottering back and forth from the kitchen, a small, content smile on his face.

It would be a perfect evening, if not for two things.

The undercurrent of tension, whenever Mercy looks at you, reminding you of the reason you asked the four of them to join you tonight.

And the stringy something that's caught between your teeth. It's right between two of your canines, and your tongue just isn't strong enough to dislodge it. You don't really want to use your hands, and you don't want to start a potentially difficult conversation with plant in your teeth.

On reflection, you are one hundred percent sure that Amanda doesn't know what she's talking about and that vegetables aren't good for you. It's OK for her, she has flat teeth that don't have gaps in.

Yeah so you're putting off the conversation, so what? Food shouldn't be plants!

You wiggle your tongue against the offending material again, almost going cross eyed as you try and focus your will on removing the offending leaf, and someone giggles.

You freeze, then slowly roll one eye around the table. All four of them are determinedly not looking at you. In fact, each of them is sat near ram rod straight, facing forwards, and with distinctly... wooden expressions as they refuse to meet your, or each other's, eyes.

“Is something... funny?”

Four simultaneous head shakes. Feathers' eyes flick to you for a split second and there's a noise a little like a goblin stepping on a frog – a long, quiet whine of escaping air. Amanda is shaking slightly, juddering back and forth as if she's trying to suppress a coughing fit. Mercy's lips are twitching.

Finally, Sapphire breaks the silence. “I-” her voice breaks and the whole table seems to draw it's breath before she catches herself and ploughs on.

“I think it looks very dashing, sir.”

You frown at her, and the movement of your lips feels... off. Your heart sinks.

“It's been stuck out of my mouth this whole time hasn't it?”

Mercy nods jerkily. “You look like a farmer!”

She can't contain it any longer and bursts out laughing. That's all the trigger the other three need and within seconds you're sat at a table with four women who can't look at you without dissolving back into a giggling fit.

With a sigh, you reach up and feel around your jaw until you find the offending piece of dinner and remove it. Then you sit and wait for the laughing to end.

Eventually, with several hiccoughs, it dies down. Amanda, half fallen out of her chair, points a shaking finger at you.

“When – ah, whenever you tried to remove it -”

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Feathers starts giggling again.

“It would jerk up and down like a fishing rod!”

That sets the four of them off again.

“Alright, alright, laugh at the guy who's never eaten plants before.”

“And you did very well sir, barring any small... missteps. Your introduction to a wider palette is complete.”

What's most impressive is Sapphire got all that out with a totally straight face.

You slump in your chair and wait for them to calm down. Thankfully it doesn't take as long this time, although every time Amanda locks eyes with Mercy both of them struggle to keep from laughing again, and Feathers is absolutely refusing to look up from her white knuckled grip of the table.

Well, that was as good of a tension breaker as you could ask for, you suppose.

“I'm-” you cut yourself off to glare at Sapphire, who started giggling the moment you opened your mouth.

“I'm sure you're wondering why I asked you all to meet me together. It's been explained to me... several times now, that I should keep you girls more up to date about what I have access to as the owner of this place, and what that can mean for you.”

Mercy's face is carefully neutral as she eyes you, but Amanda nods and shoots you a thumbs up from where the half demon can't see it.

You let out a breath and then launch into your explanation.

“I have three different groups of menus – build, fame, and animus. Build is self explanatory. It uses resources gathered from the world to expand the liar in simple ways. I won't list everything I can build because... really there's no limit. Once the workshop was built and I unlocked trap building anyway. There's still a lot of hidden options, but even just with corridors and rooms there's enough customisation available that you can do some pretty complex things and that's before you get into furnishings like doors, campfires, furniture like that. So, if you have suggestions for expanding the lair, let me know.

“Second, fame. Fame is gathered passively by, I think, spreading knowledge of the dungeon. People doing quests, monsters joining us, and a lot of 'people talking about you'. It also seems like the most powerful resource, and I can use it to directly upgrade myself, with the leigelord perk that makes it more likely that people will want to join us, for example. I can also use it on inhabitants of the lair, evolving them, empowering them or championing them to boost their power.”

You hold back a wince. “Seeing as those are the most likely to affect you I'll... go into a bit more detail. Evolution, so far, has been a direct massive upgrade to the species of the minion. Sith and I are the only people I know who have undergone it and... well.”

You gesture at yourself, and then the Mammonite demon in question.

“New skills, new feats, removing limitations. It's powerful, if expensive. I'm also... not sure if it's viable for everyone. I have no idea if it's possible for you two,” you look at Amanda and Mercy, “to evolve at all, and I don't know what an 'evolved' goblin or kobold would be. It's... an option, if you want it.

“Empowering is, in comparison, cheep. I can empower you for combat, which gives a one off experience buff that's better the weaker you are, and gives you a permanent, and growing, combat buff.”

Sapphire huffs, flames licking from her nostrils.

“Oh. And it will give you one of my combat perks so... fire breath. I haven't used the worker empowerment yet, but I imagine it's similar, but buffs non combat skills. I can also use it to give animals sentience, which presumably removes their 'animal' perk, again I've never used it.”

You pause for breath and a quick drink.

“Finally, championing, and it's upgrades. If you're my champion, you level is set to half of my own, and I gain all your experience. I... don't know if I can champion someone a higher level than me, but I can give it a go. Once you're championed, there's two upgrades. Retinue, and floor boss. I've never purchased either, but I would like to make Feathers and Sapphire floor bosses for sure, and it's an option for all of you.”

Mercy's eyes are closed. You push on.

“Animus is... weird. I only got it recently, that fainting spell I had. It took a bunch of stuff that used to be in fame, and made some extra options too. It also ate the soul crystals I had, which makes sense considering both are just hero levels. Kill a hero, I gain their level in animus. It's used for... well, I'm not sure how to describe it. Things to make life easier? I can use it to summon the workers, and to restore them if they die. I can make automatic traps, loot points and magic items for you – you might have noticed that Charlemagne has a fancy sword and hat now. I can also use it on rooms to just... make them work better. Fill them with the stuff they need, rather than make and place each item by hand. The only downside is it's dumb. If I used it on Amanda's room right now, I'd have to choose if the room was a 'cell' or a 'bedroom' and I'd get very different results.

“Oh, and if I ever get five thousand of it we can make an 'entry quest'. Whatever that is.”

You sit in silence for several seconds.

“That's about it.”

Mercy lets out a sigh.

“Thanks Red. I still wish you'd thought to tell me, tell us, earlier. But I know why you didn't. So. Thanks.”

You nod, not quite sure what to say.

Then Feathers picks up her fork, sticks it in her mouth, and waggles it up and down while crossing her eyes. Sapphire starts to giggle.

You sigh.

It's a good sigh.