Ding! Unknown Error 3940384 has occurred, unable to load map. Please contact tech support.
Jack rubbed his temples as he stared at his screen. He had no fucking clue what he was doing. It was a familiar feeling.
5:00 p.m. He took a deep breath, collected his belongings, and exited the labyrinth of cubicles. On his bike ride home he saw some wildflowers growing in the field. On a whim, he stopped and gathered a few different varieties. He didn't really know the names. He knew that Faye would love them and that was enough.
Finally, he was home. In the living room, he saw Faye working intently on some infographic. When it came to life Jack did not know what he was doing, but when he looked at his girlfriend Faye he knew that he had done something right. She was a beam of sunlight in every room. He walked up to her hugging her from the back enjoying the smell of her hair. "I got you some flowers."
"Oh," she said. Her expression was a little frazzled before she let out a small smile but without releasing the tension on her face. "Thanks."
"Babe, what's messing up your vibe?"
She turned to him, smiled weakly, and took a deep anxious breath before saying "Jack, I think I am pregnant."
Jack felt like had touched one of the zappy orbs at the science center that animefies your hair. "Oh" he wasn't ready, did she want to keep it, or was he supposed to be supportive if she didn't?
Him? A father. Fuck.
Faye a mother? He had a gentle smile at that idea.
Their child. The thought had enough weight that he knew he would struggle lifting it at the gym.
"Dope," he said. He stood there like a deer in the headlights. "I am gonna need some dope. Imma just go to the store and get some weed to help me think. You want anything ?"
Her eyes had started with worry but now showed mild amusements. "Jack, we need to have more of a conversation than that. But if you insist on going. Get me some coke"
"We can have that conversation once I have some weed. " He thought about making a quip about exposing the baby to cocaine but that felt like making an assumption about what Faye wanted. He stood there awkwardly for a beat and then left without saying anything more. Already he was running. Running as if that was all it took to escape the crushing responsibilities that came with adulthood.
"Don't take too long," she said. The words were muted by the wind.
There he stood in front of the weed store "Out of this World Tripping" Opening the door set off a chime. You could hear some Zen meditation music throughout the store. The most striking thing was the smell. The shop was covered in haze from the burning incense. The shelves were crammed with a thousand different knick-knacks. New age crystals, tarot decks, and instruments from all over the globe.
"Jack ma boi" exclaimed the shopkeep. What brings you to my store today?
"Yo, Varsavy my man, I need the best stuff you got." Varsavy matched the mystique of his store well. He had a well-groomed curly mustache and neatly trimmed beard. His clothes were a mishmash of a variety of different cultures. Jack had always felt like he was wearing a costume but he wasn't sure what the costume was supposed to be. Varsavy definitely exuded an exotic vibe that was so stereotypical that it didn't quite feel real. Jack couldn't think of any culture that it represented. Not that Jack had many opportunities to travel. He would have liked to. He dreamed of taking Faye to Paris but such dreams were hard to come by when saddled with student debt.
"My babe just told me she be preggers. That's too much for me to handle, man. Right now I need to disconnect from this reality."
"Say no more, Jack my pal. I have just the thing. With just one inhalation of this will take you on a one-way trip out of this world. You'll be free of all your earthly concerns"
"Sold," Jack said, while throwing some cash onto the counter. "Mind if I use the backroom?"
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
"By all means." Varsavy had the wide smile of a merchant who just struck a great bargain. He pulled back the purple curtain that led to the smoking parlor, the rooms were lined with cushions. The smoke was thick enough to choke on.
He lit up the joint. He closed his eyes and took a deep inhalation before exhaling. The smoke surrounded him. He was enveloped in a plume of haze.
DING!
He jumped as he heard the jarring sound of the Microsoft status window. He opened his eyes there in front stood a pair of floating shades.
[Congratulations!]
You have been selected to participate in the Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant: Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip ™.
Jack cringed in pain upon hearing the name.
Hello, I am Shadesy and I will be your guide for this trip. You have been assigned the class of tourist. You are level 1.
He saw an anthropomorphic pair of sunglasses. Its handles bent to form its mouth as it spoke. It reminded Jack of Clippy. It felt like some corporate committee had looked at Clippy and went "What if we try to make Clippy cooler?" This had failed. Miserably.
He appeared to be floating in some pale blue void. Jack had to wonder if what he was seeing was the result of the drugs. This felt too real. He felt none of the fogginess of weed “This is a nightmare and I am hallucinating.” he declared, hoping that saying it would make it true. Jack almost felt shame that his hallucinations would involve computer status screens.
[Hallucinations are not permitted during the onboarding process for the Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip! We pride ourselves in creating an unforgettable experience so any mind-altering function that could hinder your ability to remember the start of your trip will be blocked during the onboarding phase]
With a forlorn sigh, Jack accepted that he might not be hallucinating still he repeated "This is a fucking nightmare."
"We assure you that Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip ™ is a dream come true."
As a level 1 tourist, you have the following skills.
[Skills]
Air of Ignorance.
Cultural ignorance. You are a tourist but not a very good one. You did not do any research on the local cultures before traveling here. People can just tell you are not from around here.
Friendly inhabitants might be more willing to cut you some slack. But there will be some emotional distance between you. You will always be seen as a stranger
Scam artists will flock to you like vultures circling a wounded animal.
[Language Proficiency]
Unilingual. Knowing other languages is the key that opens up the treasures other languages have to offer. You have none of these keys. This pathway is blocked for you.
[Inventory]
A shirt, some jeans, a wallet, and some keys.
[Achievement Unlocked: Travelling Light]:
Usually, when people go on a trip they pack some luggage. Not you apparently. All you brought was your wallet, phone and the clothes on your back.
As a reward please receive the following item.
Lantern of the Lost
A mystical artifact that shines brightest when near something lost. The lantern cannot be lost.
I am here to welcome you to the world of Veltra. To access the full DUDE: LOST ™ experience you will first need to complete the tutorial.
He stared at the knockoff Clippy and asked. I would like to go home. How can I do that?
The Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip has a 100% satisfaction rate. To satisfy the conditions of Trip. You need to have the most incredibly life-changing fun time ever! Only once you have the best trip will you be able to return home.
"How does one have the best trip ever?" he asked while gritting his teeth.
Remember, the "best trip ever" is subjective and unique to each individual. No unforgettable mind-blowing best DUDE: LOST TM is the same. There are many paths you can take in your trip that will lead to becoming the pinnacle of a traveler.
What is the fastest way I could achieve that goal?
Traveling is about enjoying the moment. You can't rush life-changing experiences. Hurrying a gobstobbingly mind-blowing trip is just not done.
Jack realized this was just like his job. He just had to troubleshoot the software till he got the output he wanted. At the very least he knew how to navigate poorly designed UI. He tried again “What criteria will you use to evaluate if a trip is the ‘best trip ever’ ?”
At a minimum, you need to earn at least
* 1 platinum tourist achievement
* 5 extraordinary traveler achievements.
* 20 silver achievements
* 100 Copper achievements
* Become a Level 100 Tourist.
Jack regretted having left Faye so abruptly. He wasn't sure if he was ready to be a dad today. Nor what was the right decision to make, but regardless of the decision Faye wanted to take, he wanted to be there to support her. Together they would be able to figure it out. This entire trip was stupid. He would have the best trip ever purely out of spite. All so he could return home. He might not know what he's doing, but that would not stop him from trying his best.
Are you ready for the Dank Ultra Deranged Extravagant Limited Outstanding Spectacular Trip?
Before he had a chance to reply. A portal opened up under his feet. Down the rabbit hole, he fell.