Smile

We all die and we all suffer. What is the point of being alive? Do cling to faith to live another day, or do let myself fall into the darkness that is reality?

I don’t know what to do, will someone, anyone give me a sign? I try to scream, to ask, but by body, like a mechanical shell, keeps walking forward, down the street, to its next destination.

Why am I doing this?

To work at my job. I tell myself have heartily. The voice emerges from the depths of my mind to ask,

But why.

The cycle continues, I tell myself so that I can earn money, the voice asks why, I say so that I can eat. But why do I eat, to stay alive of course!! But why do I want to be alive? Its pointless to be alive, there is no meaning to it. So should I cling to faith and keep moving, or should I accept the darkness called reality?

God!! If you are real, please give me something to hope for, something to live for.

I begged and begged and perhaps my prayers were answered that day.

“ah, I’m sorry.” A young woman no older I, than lowers her head in apology.

“its alright ” I hadn’t noticed, I didn’t feel…. I didn’t feel anything. I stepped to one side, letting the woman pass by me.

She smiles a bright innocent smile; my heart skips a beat. She apologizes one more time before running again towards whatever goal she has to accomplish.  

I work until the end of my shift and head home to rest.

The next day, I find myself pondering my existence once more. Why do live? Do I do it for my mother, I’d hate to see her in tears if she were to see my dead body. Is it because I hope for some miracle to free me from the prison of my mind.

“ah!!!” a woman comes running down the side walk, she is trying stop but her momentum carries her forward, pushing her against her will. A prisoner to gravity, to the laws that bind us all to this world. I can see it on her face, she is scared, the road in front of her has a couple cars passing by, but this is a small town, a rare occurrence.

I stretch my arm to stop her. She halts, hurting both my arm and her stomach. She spits a bit on the floor from the blow, trying to catch her breath.

“You should really be more careful.” I tell her. She doesn’t lift her head from looking at the floor. Her long reddish hair touched the ground, does she not mind dirtying her hair? I pondered as I looked at the strange woman. 

Several more seconds pass and she still hasn’t lifted her head, perhaps she is enraged at my actions, I’ve hurt her after all. Why am I still standing here, is it because I have nothing better to do? Lost in my thoughts, she..

She jumps upward, with such elation that I never see in people out age. I jump back in surprise, perhaps she is a child that looks older that she is?

She smiled just like the previous day and thanked me. She runs off into the distance, without much care of her surroundings.

“she…..” She is happy. I wish to have such a feeling, but I can’t. it all feels dead to me, the colors bland, and tastes to familiar. Everything is the same, every day, no variation, nothing. I am nothing but a speck in this world, a forgettable existence. So why do I cling to life?

I think of the women’s smile, I recall her lips crescent shape, her bright green eyes. I keep walking forward, to my job, to what I must do, so that eat another day, so that I live another day.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

I didn’t see her the next morning, nor the next, nor the next. I was back on track, on routine, to the normal everyday monotony of my existence. Yet I felt a hole somewhere, I couldn’t identify it, but something was missing, missing from inside me. I needed something but I don’t know what. What do I need?

The woman’s face, who name I never asked, appears in my mind. her bright smile, I remember it, I want it, I want to smile. Its painful, I clutch my heart with my hand. I want to find a meaning to my existence, she has the answer, I know she does.

But I am trapped, trapped in the mechanical body of mine, it only moves in one direction, never altering, or changing course. Only forward, I am only permitted to move forward to work. I feel trapped, why don’t I search for her? I can’t.. my body won’t let me. But she has the answers I am looking for. I have no proof of that, if anything; if I search for her I will only frighten her. No one would believe that I am only searching for the meaning of my existence.

“oh, I sorry.” I hear a familiar voice, her voice. I turn to see her, she smiles brightly at me, giggling almost.

“this has to be the third time.” She start to laugh, is she amused that I’ve have blocked her path so many times?

“forgive me for being a hindrance to your movement.” Her bright smile turns into a frown, my hurt feels like thousands of needles start to pierce it.  But it doesn’t show on my face, by body is a machine.

I am a machine. I am a machine, therefore there is no point in searching for meaning in what I do, I just have to except the reality of it, I am nothing but a tool for the enormous hive called society.

Don’t question, don’t ask, that is my duty, my obligation. To follow orders diligently, to feel nothing to only follow this straight path that has been laid out for me, for tha…..

“would you like some Ice cream?” the woman interrupts my whirling thoughts, she ends the chaos within my own mind. not with her words, no; her smile, she soothed me, calmed me. She asked me with a bright smile, had not noticed, but she only frowned for a moment. But it hurt, it felt to long before her sunshine returned.

“Forgive me, but I must go to work” I wanted to say yes, that is my desire, but I can’t my body is a machine, I can only move forward.

Her smile turns wry like a kitten.

“what time does your job start.”

“at 8”

As soon as she here’s the time, she grabs my arm and pulls me, she frees me from my track, my body wants to resist, but I force it to stand down, to let this woman guide me to where ever she goes.

“you workaholic, its still 6:30”

True enough, it is, it only takes fifteen minutes by foot to get to my destination. She releases my arm, and starts to run ahead of me. She beckons me with her hands.

I try to chase her, but I can’t, I want to follow her, but I am off track, I can’t move forward. Before I know it I can longer see her. She is gone, and I am empty once more.

My hope, is…. My hope? Did I have hope? Such a silly thing, I thought that I could find meaning, I hoped, yes, I hoped, it is pointless to hope. It is all the more crushing when what you had hoped for doesn’t come to pass… like now.  

I clutch my chest, trying to calm the storming pain inside me.

“wow. You really need to work out.” The darkness that gloomed over me, wiped away by a single a smile, her smile, its giving me hope again, but I am scared to hope. I am afraid to change everything I’ve don’t thus far.

She peeks her head around the corner of a brick wall. “are you coming or what?” she asks, forcing her brows to furrow, clearly it is something she rarely does.

My legs begin to move, they move without me wanting to. What is this? Have my blueprints changed, have the orders that control my body changed? I chase behind her, she is so close to me.

“so you can run!!” She yells, laughing all the way. Her laugh, makes my legs move faster, faster than even I thought they could move. Why do chase after her? Why do I hope for her to help me.

“ahh, were here!!” She yells in excitement. I look at the hours of the shop, the shop opens at 7 am. She smile brightly at me. I don’t wish to tell her but I must.

“they haven’t opened yet.” She giggles, and takes keys from her pockets. She jingles them in front of me, child gloating they have something you don’t.

“its my shop. I always wake up late though. Especially recently.” She laughs again.

I can here her ragged breath, she exerted herself more than I expected. She opened the shop and lays herself across one of the long wooden seats.

“ohh!! That was tiring.”

She instructs me sit and wait as she prepares some ice cream for my consumption. It doesn’t very long before she bring me a red and brown ice cream dish, covered in sprinkles and nuts.

“her try it!!”she proudly asks me to try the dessert.

“so did you like!!” she asks me jumping closer and closer near me.

“yes.”

“awesome!! I made that myself!! It’s the reason I’ve been late recently.” She began to speak amused of ice cream and the wonders of making your own creations, new ideas, flavors, odd combinations. She excitedly told me all of that. She loved making this simple dessert, in a shop that she runs herself. Is that what makes her smile so bright, makes her shine and wipe away the darkness and filth of my world. Or does she simply see this world differently.

Tears began to run down my cheeks, I could feel them, the couldn’t be stopped.

“oh. I’m sorry” I stopped her with hand gesture.

“These are not tears of sadness, they are tears of joy.” I had finally found a hint to the answer I was looking for.

“Thank you.” I stood up and left the little shop.

That day, I resigned.