Dear santa,
I am going to catch you this year!
By the time you're reading this letter, you've already started eating the cookies and milk.
I didn't lace them this year. I tried it last year, to no success. The only person who suffered that day was my poor neighbor Chris Kringle, my wife's best friend.
I don't like him, but she says he's full of christmas cheer.
I mean sure, he's a jolly old man but he dresses too flashily for my taste. Far too much red to wear in a day.
His wife isn't much better. The two of them. Too much red between the two of them. A bunch of slobs!
Still, they are a rather sweet old couple. Run an orphanage between the two of them, ton of kids. Shame they seem to dress just as garishly, all green, all year. Don't get it.
You're probably wondering why I'm writing all of this. It's simple.
The poison wasn't in the food.
It was in the chimney!
Yes, how could the man who swallows millions of cookies in a day be poisoned by indigestion so easily?
I had to come up with more creative means.
The whole of the chimney has been laced with a sleeping toxin, designed to knock out 10 full grown elephants.
It was hard to lather the chimney in the stuff without anyone noticing, but you never know who's watching. Sees us when we're sleeping? More like surveillances us all the time! I see through you, you cunning bastard!
There's no escaping santa! I've done everything! I've barricaded the windows, blocked all the doors! The vents have been laced as well, ensuring no escape! The toilets clogged by weeks of chipotle!
Let's see you do it now you fatass houdini!
I'm coming for you!
No more tin foil accusations!
Sincerely,
Jeff Daverson
I'll be seeing you!
Police would arrive at the scene of the incident where the house of Jeff Daverson seemed to have been torn down by a bear, or an equally large, bulborous beast
Jeff Daverson himself would attest that "santa claus" had broken out in a drunken stupor, tearing down his house. It is believed that Jeff inadvertently inhaled the narcotics placed in the chimney as he applied it, causing the hallucinations.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
The "claus" in question is believed to be a bear.
Perhaps driven away by his insanity, many of his neighbors such as kindly old Kris Kringle and his orphanage of children moved away.
Kindly old Chris Kringle was a friendly, if mildly indisposed old man, who seemed to have suffered some form of narcotic.
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Dear Santa,
last year I asked you for a brother.
Can you take him back?
I like my new brother but daddy doesn't seem to like him very much.
I don't know why. Sure, brother looks a little different from us, but that's fine. I still like him.
But daddy doesn't and keeps calling him "the devil's son".
I think he's exaggerating.
My brother doesn't have demon horns!
He has reindeer horns! Silly daddy.
He's very funny looking. He also has a glowing red nose!
Mr. Farnsworth our friendly priest comes over more often too, though he seems rather mean nowadays.
He keeps tying up my new baby brother and splashing him with water.
I don't get it.
But it seems to make everyone very upset.
I like my baby brother, but he seems to make everyone upset.
So santa, could you take him back?
From,
Barbara
Later that year, the mysterious red nosed child disappeared along with his sister Barbara Lewis. The story of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer would later spread...
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Dear Santa Claus,
This is a formal notice calling you to attend the court hearing this upcoming 25th, on the case of Claus V Brooks on the charge of second degree murder. The accuser, Randy Brooks and his grandfather Brooks sr., bore witness to the tragedy last christmas, where the accused was driving recklessly
The defendant was seen by two eyewitnesses last christmas, diving his vehicles through the street before crashing into the prosecution's grandmother/wife.
As stated by the young Randy Brooks,
"Grandma got ran over by a reindeer". The witnesses were overly distraught by the incident, with the grandmother having suffered a hoof to the head, causing severe brain trauma, leading to death shortly thereafter.
Mr. Claus is expected to arrive at the court at 8:00 am to defend himself.
From,
The department of justice
P.S. if mr. Claus does not show up to the expected date, a public defendant will be assigned to the case and to defend on his behalf.
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Dear Santa,
I don't think you should come this year.
Last year, mommy saw you kissing daddy, and she was real mad
She said a lot of bad words that daddy said I couldn't say.
Mommy says she's gotten over it, but she feels mad.
When I asked mommy if santa would come over this year, she said that if he did, she would make you a eunuch!
What's a eunuch Santa? Daddy seems very scared when I say those words, while mommy seems very happy.
She's been sharpening all the knives in the kitchen recently.
It's been so noisy. I wish mommy would keep it down, but she seems very happy whenever she does it.
Mommy laughs funny. She's been acting funny since last year.
She used to tell me that you can't catch santa claus, but this year she put a trap in the chimney.
Daddy seems very scared now, he no longer invites uncle Richard anymore.
Uncle Richard used to come over for sleepovers, but recently he's too busy to come over.
I miss him. He never shows up anymore.
I think he's a little scared of mommy.
Even daddy stays at work later.
So dear Mr. Claus,
please don't come back.
I don't want to see mommy killing santa claus.
Sincerely,
Donna Conner
Santa claus was later sighted fleeing the Connor house with great urgency, with many believing it had to do with the liquid leaking from the sleigh.