SAVE POINT 47
DANKFanboi_240
"Whoa, Nellie," I wheezed to the enormous bird under me, feeling it grind to a choppy halt as I yanked on the reins like pumping the breaks on the tiny Nissan the ex currently owned and not me. Damn that reminder. I couldn’t be in the fucking desert and still think of that woman. I patted the ostrich's side, feeling its oily feathers under my palm. And, shit, I felt like Moses reaching the end of that tree line, breaching it and seeing the ocean rising up in the distance—like I just reached deliverance for all of us to not have to see another God-forsaken tree looming with all that nonsense darkness.
I’d led my people through the metaphorical desert—I had. We’d fled on these wonky birds. Those zombies were no fucking joke, boys and girls.
And, now, we were free of the looming forest. I finally had some sun on my face just to look ahead and see—
There was a group on the horizon. What did we have here?
I wasn’t super graceful, but I was pretty great at falling; I slid off the ostrich and to the ground. The sandy dirt jarred my knees and bones more than expected but, hey, what did you want when you spent most of your days barefoot? It wasn’t all pumpkin juice, you know?
The freckled, ruler-up-her-ass part of M&M (no, I wouldn't admit her real name which I just realized was Mimi) rushed up next to me, the ostrich beneath her making grunt-like squawking noises and trying to spit out the halter. The girl's mouth fell open in shock, "Grand Dragon, it's Rosabella—" Her whisper was reverent. Wait... Oh shit, she meant that main character girl?
The girl took off at a gallop towards the group. She was quickly replaced by shank-everyone-and-take-it-for-yourself blonde, clearly wrestling with the bird under her too and having a time of it with those spindly arms of hers. "I hate that my main job right now is to follow her around," she confided in me, nodding at the dust the freckled girl was kicking up as she raced forward.
I nodded back, trying to keep it smooth like one should always do with blondes—even if they were skanky, "I feel that." I kept bobbing my head like, somehow, that'd make her hate me less, but I only saw the annoyance pool larger in her eyes.
She scowled openly at me, her lips drawing into a self-entitled pout. "You're so high you probably don't feel anything," she mocked.
Touche, touché. People around here really were getting to know me.
"Listen, I gotta take a whizz over there"—I pointed, probably unhelpfully, to a wooded patch—so, if you need me, I'll be..." But I realized I was talking to myself. I turned around and the girl was gone—one 'M' chasing after the other. Now, that was the story of pretty much everyone's life right there. But metaphorical lesson or not, I had to pee, and a man's gotta do his business when a man's gotta—
I wouldn't have chugged that energy drink if I’d known we were ostrich riding for miles without a break, err... I paused, running my fingers through my blonde dreads.
Nah, who was I kidding: I still would have chugged the thing.
I was halfway through the piss when I heard something non-piss-like.
Bushes.
Crackling.
Oh shit. Something big. My mind instantly went to a black bear which had me already zipping my pants with trembling fingers, but—well, the possibility of undead zombie was also equally high and equally scary on the list of possibilities...
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Shit, shit, shit, shit—
I tried to sneak out of the brush without tripping some kind of motion sensor alarm, but I was always kinda bad at that; you should have seen me when I tried to break back into my woman's house after she ousted me. She had my second-best surfboard, you know? ...Uh, I'll be real with you, it was about the wad of weed I'd left hidden in my sock drawer, but who was keeping track? 'Forgot about the stupid alarm and couldn't remember her birthday for the pass code. It was 2am and the cops showed up—mega awkward. Plus, it meant I couldn't tell them about the weed—err, surfboard. Rough night for all, especially for her little, yappy dog who I kicked when it went to torch my ankle with its razor-sharp incisors. Man, I'm an animal-lover, I swear to God, but that thing's a fucking piranha. Back to the life-or-death, piss situation, though…
I crouched in the ferns feeling like a moron ten-year-old who nearly shit himself after a horror movie and—
Were those...voices? I strained forward, around a tree trunk, to hear. The bark scratched at my palms.
"I get you, dude, I do," whispered a raspy man's voice, "They shouldn't have her tied up like that—"
"It's messed up—" A second agreed.
"That freckled girl Mimi is getting on my last nerve. I say we free the huge dragon, let it fry everyone and get the hell outta here." A third voice? I couldn't really tell...
"Or maybe we should tie Mimi, Maude and Fanboi up," huffed the first, "It's good to be king, you know?"
Oh, I knew. And sounded like one of these nerds thought he had dibs on the title when I’d clearly delivered them all through the zombie madness. Apparently, they'd forgotten who organized this chat room. Time to squash a little rebellion by telling on their asses. Rosabella and all them should know what was going on. Shaking my pants down in line with my boxers, I stepped confidently out of the brush.
There was no bear, folks.
No zombies.
Just blood-thirsty fantasy nerds. All in a day's work.
The ground was hot on the soles of my feet, but, if you walked quick, it didn't burn as bad, so I had about half the pads on my heels burned off by the time I reached the group. They were hugging and smiling and fucking kissing babies and shit—no, for real, there was a child there. Who the hell mixed a child up in this galactic mess?
Rosabella nudged Mimi in the rib-cage playfully. "Your man saved my life...probably at least twice over," she jested, nodding at Dormouse.
...Apparently, Rosabella hadn't gotten the memo about the rift in their relationship. I hadn't even been allowed to off-handedly mention the nerd kid for days to the freckled twit; she was that bitter about it.
"I—" Dormouse started, turning tomato red—not his best look—and shoving his hands under his mighty-fine, green cloak.
"He's not..." Mimi stumbled, "I mean..."
Looked like my perfect moment to barge in. In typical drama club fashion, I cleared my throat theatrically, waiting till all eyes darted to my face to make my move. "I just wanted to let you know that the Slytherin nerds are planning a coup," I detailed, scratching at the top of my head and feeling my dreads shake, "I'm all for Napoleon, you know, so..." I fiddled with my fingers, finding a pretty gross cut there. Damned woods.
"A coup?" Joy demanded around a bobby pin as she wound her pink-hair into an enormous bun at the crown of her head, "Who?"
"We'll portal them out immediately," Mimi snapped.
Damn, if that girl was one thing, she was paranoid and efficient. ...Err...that was two things.
"No need," Rosabella stepped forward. And it was almost like you could see the royalty dripping off her. Everyone immediately paused or stepped back. All eyes Velcroed to her face when she spoke.
Shoot. I wished I had authority like that. Nobody'd hardly even listen to me most days....
"We don't need to worry about the coup because I'm going back to The Higher Place,” Rosabella dictated, “We'll take the prisoners, and everyone is invited to either come or go. We'll come up with a plan on how to tackle the nerd situation when everyone's fed and had a good night's sleep. The stragglers are going to stray anyway, so we'll just have to find them later if we decide sending them back is the best option."
"Uh..." I raised my hand like it was school because everyone was nodding, and I felt completely lost. "What's The Higher Place?" I must have skipped that part in the text...
Skank blonde turned to me, snapping her gum, "It's a palace where the Game Maker usually lives. Think grand, beautiful and food."
She was talking down to me like simplifying the thought for a five-year-old but...well, I didn't really care at the moment 'cause... Wait, bros, there was a castle here???