Did I break character on or off stage? Did she? I’ve thought about this every day of my life yet I am certain I have the answer now.
The streets of Port Townsend are checkered with a patchwork of shadows cast by the Victorian-era buildings and blocks of sunlight fighting to keep the sunflowers on each street corner warm. Year after year, it’s one of many aspects I love as I walk from my hotel to the pavilion where the annual film festival is held. As a kid, I loved attending what films my father deemed age-appropriate. Now I have the pleasure of seeing my own films rated as worthy and family-friendly despite the themes deemed unacceptable to generations past. Walking isn’t as easy as it once was with each brick in the road and gentrified addition to this downtown area. A perilous place for someone my age. Neuro pathways are a heck of a thing and it’s that much more difficult to connect the memories I have in these downtown streets as I did in the past. The Nifty 50’s Diner, Phoenix Rising, and the Dogs A Foot too. How we connect or what we connect to a location is anyone’s guess.
Relationships. To people, places, and things. At times I felt butterflies in my stomach at new opportunities and others, termites in my heart, breaking me down from every direction. I have some regrets and things I would do one thousand times over despite others telling me how wild I was for it. She, He, Zii...Depending on who you ask, I am lucky. I always had people who supported me from day one. My story isn’t one of a kind and pretty common here in a region that is more progressive, accepting, and inclusive in its ability to provide quality care to those in transition. I’m humbled by how many people have supported my journey in this industry with unconditional love for each film along the way, most importantly, my wife.
Heartbroken 16 year old me felt like our love was a modern-day Romeo & Juliette. Initially, I felt like Romeo, rejected for my family and age before moving on and feeling like Ophelia. I was the victim of her grandparent's plot, and a prop when I was led to believe she didn’t love me anymore. I apologize if I sound like one of the critics reviewing my work as tragic, it’s not. I was angsty then, and a lot of that fuels my films now. For every one-star review I’ve received, I’ve been given at least two 5 star reviews. The world's a stage and like the original Globe, I’ve done my best to burn it down knowing it will be rebuilt. I’ve directed this career into something that includes a cast and crew representing individuals in my community that I did not have growing up.
Directors, cast and crew do not always like one another but they have to love one another. It’s easier said than done but for lack of a better term, the show must go on. On stage or in the film I can manage every aspect yet my own heart has weakened over time, supporting my wife through her cancer treatments. The sickness that we were promised was gone in our teens returned nine months ago, and it’s a difficult thing to grasp. Physically, emotionally...financially. All weighing on me but no more so than the memories I can’t forget when this wasn’t a concern.
The sunflowers bend and bow in the shade as the sun dips behind the Olympic mountains for the evening. Zig-zagged strands of lights turn on above the street and I realize I am nearer to the start of tonight's opening ceremony. I cannot be late to my own festival, especially when my film is up first tonight. As I reach the pavilion, I grab the brochure to peruse the other films available this week on the way to my seat.
The indoor-outdoor venue on the water is new this year and I take my seat towards the back. The joke in Port Townsend is that this is where old people go to visit their parents and judging by the age demographic here, it’s still true. Most people are older than I am but I notice a few others around their 40s like me. The front two rows are filled with teens, awkward in their own way and I suspect they are in the theater program at Port Townsend High School. If they are half as lucky as I am, they might meet their love here like I did when I was their age.
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Popcorn wafts through the air as film festival pamphlets shuffle while each person settles in. Colleagues and individuals in the community offer welcoming nods to me and others as they find their seats. We’ve spent a lifetime together living adjacently in this industry. Some have loved, others have lost, and yet there is a hush as they pass me knowing that I am grappling with the emotions of both currently. Concerned for my well-being and emotional state as I carry the weight of my wife's illness. I know they care, however, there is only so much we can do collectively while we wait for the medicine to do what no one person can do in a hurry.
The venue is at 95% capacity and I have a seat next to me for her. She’ll be here eventually. Despite our attempts to move her appointment, the oncologist was booked out for six months. It had to be tonight and while I needed to be with her, it’s the first appointment I have missed. With the door backlit with the glow of streetlamps above, I recognize her silhouette as she checks in at the door. No tickets needed, they know she’s with me. As she makes her way towards me, the individuals who share casual glances and a nod to me stand up to greet her and offer their pleasantries.
Her blue headscarf is wrapped tightly despite the overly warm evening temperature. It matches her eyes, purse, and anything else she could color block with to the addition she wouldn’t wear otherwise. The joy of this opening night is bittersweet against the information she learned during her appointment. What did they say? I want to know every detail and yet there isn’t time. This is my show, and while I’ve supported her every step of the way she’s here for me. Those results will come later.
She takes a seat and rests her hand on mine. The silence between us is loud and while punctuated with the shriek from a teen as the lights dim. Loud conversations turn to murmurs as everyone prepares for my movie to start. A bump into her seat breaks her concentration and I look forward. I hope the reception to this movie is greater than her reaction to her appointment. I would take a clear-cut understanding over this, whatever this lack of communication is.
I adjust my eyesight to the darkened theater before being called up to the front of the audience. I make my way forward like I’ve done many times before. Taking the microphone and introducing myself, my film, and the audience members to the area and film festival.
We’ve gone to many film festivals around the United States and it never crossed my mind that this might be the last one that we get to attend together. Our vows said, in sickness and health but I didn’t agree to it being her sickness while I had good health. I thought it was behind us and yet I struggle to keep strong with the idea that we’ve had more years than not that were healthy. I feel blessed for those moments. But I also feel anger and jealousy. I am emotional to a fault and I own that but it’s for her, it always has been and isn’t without good reason.
I was never good at math or science but I’ve always had trust and faith. With that, I place both into the hands of men and women skilled in cancer treatment options and more importantly, her life. To this point, they’ve been truthful every step of the way and I have no doubt that they have her back, front, and everything else too. Their reliability has been the rock I’ve hitched onto for so long, sometimes the only thing I have to keep me above water during this. And yet, I am still here. She’s still here. We’re doing this. One treatment after the next.
I make my way back to her like I’ve done every performance leading up to this. With her wide smile and chin on her hand, she follows me with her eyes as I take my seat. Leaning in, she starts with our good luck chant. We've said it dozens of times, but this time it’s for both of us. She begins, ‘One for the honey,’ and I follow with ‘one for the show.’ Together we whisper, ‘Two for the money...Go, Macbeth, Go.’