I’ve met my fair share of judges in my life. Happens when you’ve been in my profession for as long as I have. No judge ever wielded a giant fuck-off axe at me, though. That was supposed to be the executioner’s job. At least this place looks peaceful. That weird, blindfolded lady gives me the creeps though. She’s too nice. And of course, she wants me to do something for her. Bring some presumptuous lords and have them sit on their fancy thrones. I think they don’t really want that so… I guess this is a “dead or alive” kind of deal.

I’ll go with the first option.

God, this fucking castle is a nightmare to navigate. Has something to do with the fire-breathing cock-face on that tower thing and the dozens of crazed soldiers. Oh, and the dogs. Dogs are the worst. I found a key while I was getting lost around the place. Looks like a jail cell key. They are all very similar. Had to stab my way through a knight and some huge soldiers to get to it.

Hope it will be worth my time.

Turns out I was right. It was a jail cell key. One of those little guys with the thrall hood was caged in for stealing, it seems. So those assholes only want ME dead but everyone else gets to stay in the cosy cell. Fucking double standards. Anyway, I freed the little guy. His name is Greirat. He went back to the shrine; said he’ll meet me there. Oh, and said something about a certain Loretta at the Undead Settlement. Asked me to check up on her and gave me a ring for my trouble.

Fine. Honour among thieves, yada yada yada.

Finally got through a boar-looking dude trying to freeze and squash my ass and now I’m at the Undead Settlement. Some weird devil-thingies dragged me there once I showed them a flag. I guess if you don’t explain to me why I’m doing all of this you don’t have to explain all the rest, eh? Still, not a nice experience, those fucking devils were too touchy for my taste. I’ll get the old bitch who gave me the flag as soon as I’m done here. There’s this huge wall between the Settlement and the Castle. It just got to me. The little rat climbed up the wall and got himself snatched by the corpses in battered armour. Depressing… but still, the guts on that guy! He doesn’t even have the little trick to fall like a feather as far as I know! Props to him.

Now, where the fuck is Loretta?

I think I found her. What’s left of her anyway. They broke her and hanged her upside down. I think I’m piecing together what happened to this village. Definitely has something to do with the curse and those fat, laughing whores throwing spells around. Killing them was a pain in the ass. Well, time to go back to the little rat.

Hope he won’t take it too hard…

Poor little thing, he was crushed. Wonder who she was. His mom? His sister? His lover? He didn’t want to talk about it. Can’t blame him. Probably doesn’t want to think about it. I sat with him for a bit, silently. He then said he wanted to do something for me. Snoop around the Undead Settlement and snatch some stuff for me. He sounded conflicted though. But also determined. Both at the same time. Felt like, deep down, this was a really troubling thing for him… and yet he had already made up his mind. I accepted his proposal. I guess there’s nothing else for him in that place. Not after Loretta’s passing. I went back to the settlement too.

There’s a giant moving tree that’s needs to be chopped down as soon as possible.

We both returned from the settlement. He picked the Settlement clean while I felled the tree. We make a good duo, I think. I bought a knife from him. Oh, almost forgot. The tree had some weird magical thing on him. The crippled so-called king at the shrine said he could use it to make shit with souls of very strong beings. He made a ring out of the soul of the frozen boar guy. Feels really… invigorating after giving a few stabs. The rest… eh. Big swords, big spells, don’t really need some pompous fancy shit to bring my enemies down.

Not when I have my new favourite stabbing tool, courtesy of my little rat.

I’ve ran into a really weird guy while leaving the undead settlement. An onion looking guy with a big sword, trying to make out the complex machinations of… an elevator. I helped him out… and then he helped me out 'cause I ran into a big fuck-off demon in a big plaza. We celebrated and had a drink. “May the sun shine” he said. I’ve never been a sunny person, unfortunately. He definitely is though.

I think this world needs more sunny people around to balance out the shitty ones.

Me and the little rat have been talking a bunch lately. He told me about his excursions, I told him about mine. I must admit, his are more intriguing. As much as I try to do things stealthily, it rarely works out. I don’t know why, I even learned that stupid trick the spies of Vinheim use but I always get caught up in the violence of the moment and it ends up in a bloodbath. No one left alive means no witnesses, I used to think. But that’s bullshit. If you can’t find your coin purse, that raises no attention. If you can’t find your father or husband or your local loan shark? That raises a LOT of attention. It means they’ll REALLY try to catch you and eventually they do. Him? He was caught only once over the walls of Lothric. His thievery is on another level. He risks it all so many times and yet here he is.

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This little guy really makes you root for him, huh?

These days I’ve been slogging through the most disgusting swamp I’ve ever been to. It seems like one my targets, the Abyss Watchers, have built their fortress in there. I wonder what came first: the swamp or their fortress? If the answer is the earlier, these guys have it coming. Why would you build a fortress in a swamp?! The things I’m seeing here you wouldn’t believe: giant crabs, rabid guys nailed to crosses, some goat-octopus things with a penchant for poisoning me. If this wasn’t enough, I think this swamp stands between me and TWO of my targets. Other than the Watchers, I think I have to go through this place to get to the Cathedral. Aldrich should be there, right? It’s his Cathedral after all.

Well. One target at a time.

The Abyss Watchers will now be watching over the Shrine from their fancy throne. However… I thought the god-eating pope they call Aldrich was in the bloody cathedral. Where else would he be, right? Shouldn’t that be his workplace or something? Well, it seems like it’s more of a house for his admirers. Priests, really big tin-can-knights with really REALLY big swords and maces and not one! But two giants! And if this wasn’t enough, some bald guy even tried to fuck with me. He stole the onion guy’s armour and all of his stuff. Needless to say, I stabbed him in the back and then in his gut.

No one fucks with my sunny people.

This Aldrich guy is really fucking things up for everyone, not only me. First of all, he’s not the pope of his religion. He’s the god. His pope is a really charming asshole that people call Sulyvahn. He’s the one who’s been sending around the freezers in silver armour: the fat one, the dancer, the smaller ones. I’ve taken it upon myself to end their assignments. They all come from a place called the Boreal Valley so I guess that’s where the pope and the god are now? I hope so.

'Cause fighting through skeletons with a knife is like trying to eat soup with a fork.

I got to the Boreal Valley… and then went back to the shrine after bleeding out a massive dog with too many eyes and too many teeth. I wanted to talk to my favourite little rat and get some improvements on the knife he sold me. The blacksmith really knows his stuff, I feel like I could cut through rock and make it bleed too! I told him about the bog-slogging, the cathedral-climbing and the catacomb-raiding but he was really more interested in the Boreal Valley. Said he wanted to do a job there. I told him how dangerous it is and how fucking irritating those dervish corpses are but he really wanted to risk it. I really can’t say no to him though. This scrawny little rat can make it, I’m sure he can.

If a miserable whore like myself can slay these Cinder Lords, he can steal the moon from the sky.

The pope had no chances. Proves that you don’t need two giant magic swords to be effective, you just need good timing and a sharp blade. I came back to meet my favourite little rat at the Shrine. I knew he would make it! It seems like it wasn’t as easy for him to get out of that frozen hellscape but he did it. He said an onion-looking fellow saved him when was in a pickle. Remember what I said about sunny people? I rest my case, your honour. I don’t really need the things my little rat is selling. I don’t feel guilty about it though. I mean, he is doing this for me too but… I think it’s a matter of pride for him. It’s the thrill of making it out alive, the glory of being remembered! The bravery on this little thing… it makes me hopeful for my task too.

Two little beings braving this giant shitty world.

Another target down. It seems like swallowing gods like grapes doesn’t make you immune to a proper stabbing. Enjoy your view on the blind lady, the bonfire and the stones. Two targets are left on the list. The Princes and the Giant. The first two are really high up and the second one is really deep down. Let’s keep the Princes last, the last thing I want is meeting two stuck-up noble assholes, looking down on me and calling me a slave.

Profaned Capital, get ready to be profaned once again.

And… one more target down. I don’t feel like making a witty joke this time. On my way to Yhorm, I found the sunny onion guy. I helped him out of a cell and he told me something about a promise he had made. He also gave me a MASSIVE slab of titanite. I went down the Profaned Capital ladders, gently offered by some fat dead guy by the bonfire and there he was: the Giant. And there he was: the onion guy. This was his friend; this was his promise. To kill him if he… lost himself. I helped him keep his promise. The onion guy was not the same afterwards. I’m afraid something bad might’ve happened to him.

There’s one sunny person less in this shitty world.

Last target: the Twin Princes. Me and my little rat have been talking about the end of our jobs. It seems like we both need to reach the top of that wretched castle. It’s the most difficult target yet. It passes through an archive filled to the brim with obsessed magicians and accursed books and then it goes up to the roof, guarded by gargoyles and more soldiers and knights that I’ve fought until now. There’s also another possibility. We stop here. We just look for a tranquil place and live the rest of our miserable lives away from the world, hidden away like rats, forgotten by everyone. He won’t accept this. Greirat the Thief will not be forgotten and neither will I. We’ll go up that castle together and come back together.

Before he left, he told me I’m his friend. No one ever trusted me enough to say this.

I found him on the roof. Laying on the tiles, immobile. They killed him. The gargoyles or the knights or maybe he was too tired from all the climbing or… it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it wasn’t those things. It was the Princes. It was the Princes and their abomination of a castle! It was their lousy throne room so high up, so far from the lower folks like us! Disgusting cowards, hiding away from the world instead of walking to the Firelink Shrine, taking their bloody place on their bloody throne! They killed him and now… only his ashes are left. The wicked old bitch at the Shrine asked me to give them to her. She’ll have to pry them off my hollow corpse. My little rat… I will fucking kill them for what they did to you.

And I won’t forget you, Greirat the Thief.

I wore his hood when I entered the throne room, the symbol of a worthless slave now the greatest of thieves. I wielded the most pathetic, most dishonourable of weapons. The only thing I ever bought from him, now at its sharpest thanks to a helpful blacksmith. As soon as I saw them, towering above me, looking down upon me from their golden thrones, I felt rage like never before. Wielding godly powers and godly weapons, bearing crowns of brass, shining armours and silk. My hatred was boundless until… they came down from their thrones to fight me. Gaunt, pale, sickly… and broken. Covering each other’s backs with what little strength they had while I bled them out without mercy. Desperate to be left alone with only each other. Hiding away like rats, hoping to be forgotten by everyone. I cut them both down and took their Cinders.

For the first time in my life, I could feel a spec of pity for the brothers I had slain.