Log entry.....

I didn't know why I died too early, maybe its fate? Or I am just unlucky to have a heart that sucks at being a heart. Back then, before I died I felt this strong feeling of pressure within my chest, like a blackhole within me. Pain was rather slow, it started a small feeling like a needle inside my heart, then a pressure like I was in the middle of the ocean, then the great blackhole like pain.

I died outside the ticket counter of the mall. So people quickly noticed me and I've been rushed to the nearest hospital. The reason I thought I was revive was I had this feeling of being vacuum in and out, kinda like the ocean wave. It pushed you out back to the shore, then suck you in again within the depths

I was assuming what they were using was a defibrillator. Well, i'm not really sure since I was passed out the whole time. When I woke up, I was sitting on my own body, within the emergency room of a hospital. At that time, it occurred to me "Damn, Am I dead?"

For some reason I wasn't in a panic in the beginning. I was calm, looking at my own face. I'm not sure why i'm not panicking at all, maybe I just couldn't accept it or being a ghost is just like this. I also thought 'maybe my ghost form is just booting up and installing the emotion driver' jokingly. Well one of those reason might be true.

After I walked out of the hospital building... like a feeling of zooming in, flashes of emotions came and then it hit me. You are gone. I am dead. I was scared.

Huh.....

..........

It's the fourth day of my wake, people seems to drop by frequently. Today, she finally came. The girl who I always talked to, shared secrets and promises, and one give happiness to me. A sweetheart since childhood and my girlfriend.

Right now, she's sitting beside my mom. Both of them crying together. It somehow made me happy that I'm being loved to much, also sad by being gone and dead.

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The first time I had awareness that I became a ghost, she's actually the first person I visited. I was supposed to visit her home because she had a fever back then. When I entered her room, I saw her lying down on her bed with a wet towel on her forehead. Still awake but half asleep. Somehow we were able to converse for a short time.

She said "Hey, why are you late? You said you'll come after class. It's already 6PM!"

'I'm sorry I was late, I'm here now see? So please forgive me' I said with the usual familiar tone I use when it's only us alone.

"You always break... your promises. Are you also gonna break the promised date.... once I recovered?" She said while forcing her voice, I guess its hard to talk with her fever

'I'm not gonna break the promised, you silly girl. I already got the movie ticket for the romance movie you wanted to watch. Those tickets were in my school bag.'

"Really? Then.. You're forgiven. But since you're late you'll gonna buy me the plush bunny I saw back then okay?"

'Of course, anything for my wifey' I said to calm her down.

"That's good, my hubby. No breaking promises okay?" 'Okay'. We always joke around being husband and wife. Afterwards, she finally fell asleep.

I know, I made a promise that surely wont come true. I know that this little conversation will hurt her. I know that this might scar her for life but that's what I'm doing. I'm not one of those people who are selfless enough to wish happiness for their beloved by being forgotten. What i'm afraid is that after she moved on, she'll forget about me. The years we had since childhood, our future that we might probably get married, and the family that we picture in our silly talks.

I'm really a selfish guy and this is how I am deeply inloved with her. Yes, I know I'm wrong but, what can I do? I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm nothing.

Sorry, I cant help it. Frustration eats you when you know you'll be gone and their life will still continue. They will grow up, feel sadness and joy, the feeling of life.

..........

5 PM. A bunch of teenagers in uniforms, boy and girls came to our home with flowers. Yep, they're my class mates. All of them present and as you know, of course they'll be sad. They came to see and mourn for me. What can I say. Thanks for visiting, i'll haunt you guys as thanks.

An hour later, they all went home. I was expecting that they were gonna burst crying, I was wrong. 5 of them cried our of 24. We'll I guess that means i'm not really close to them... Or they're just holding their tears.

A lot of people came today. Relatives, family friends, kids who bullied me when I was a child, my classmates and more. I guess since this is the last day my body will be home. By tomorrow, they'll start ceremonies and prayers. I wonder if that will take me to heaven or after life?

Well... I'll find out soon enough.

........log end