Ulrich took one look at this guy, brandishing a small axe with fake emeralds on it. His words about assassinating the king of England, and he didn’t seem to be joking.
“Why should we help you, exactly?” Ulrich asked, looking towards Lainey, who also looked completely bewildered.
Dominic kept up his rampant enthusiasm, pointing at Ulrich with a quick flourish.
“Tell me, sir? What is your passion?”
“I’m…pretty good at Fatal Fantasy, I guess?”
“Ah, uncertainly plagues the mind. Truly a cursed existence you lead, sir! But you, miss Lainey! Your passion stems in the world of music, correct?”
“Yes?” Lainey replied. “What does this have to do with assassinating the king, exactly?”
“Answer me this. Would you let anyone stop you from pursuing your passion?”
“No? Wait, are you saying murder is your passion?”
Moving his hand in more ridiculous motions, he eventually pointed to himself.
"That is exactly what I'm saying! My victims will be considered the next wonders of the world! And so, I cannot be stopped in this moment! For today is my eighteenth birthday! The date, the weather, is all the picture-perfect moment to make history! For this is the prelude to the greatest, most important event to happen in the next thousand years!"
He put the axe in a seemingly homemade belt and stuck his hands in his pockets. He looked towards the grey and miserable looking sky, and his voice got noticeably calmer.
"My plan is simple. I kill the ruler of this nation and move on the next. I will lead a glamourous life of murder and glamour and start my own band of outcasts!" He once again started doing random bullshit with his hands, pointing both his hands at them.
"And you two are my first recruits!"
Lainey took a deep breath, taking a minute to process everything he said. “Or you could…not do that. I mean, you just turned eighteen. You could go out, drink, get laid, maybe? I mean, you’re tall, blonde, could probably style that hair into something presentable. I bet you could get a couple of women.” She finished with a soft smile and punch on the shoulder.
“So you’re hitting on me?” Dominic asked.
“I’m into girls.” Lainey replied, losing the jovial tone.
“Very good! I will surely run into various lesbians on my quest, and you shall have some conquests of your own! Now then, let’s get started!”
Before Lainey could say anything else, he bolted out of his house, ready to attempt one of the biggest criminal empires in history. The only option was to follow him and ensure he didn’t do anything stupid. They locked his door for good measure and went to find a way over.
The two of them found a taxi, with a man with a thick moustache and thicker accent opened the door.
“Any idea where you’re going, my friend?” He asked in his European accent. Probably Russian, but Ulrich couldn’t place it.
“Buckingham Palace, please.” Ulrich replied.
“Yes yes, I can do for fifteen pounds. Sound good?”
“Um, I only have American dollars.” Lainey sighed. “But I’ll give you thirty of them.”
“I can work with it.” The man nodded. “Hop in.”
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As the two of them sat in the back and looked at everything in the London streets. From the people bustling through the streets to the apartment blocks and places like Big Ben.
“Look there!” The man exclaimed loudly pointing out of the window. “Famous person!”
Ulrich and Lainey looked over expecting an actor or something. But waiting for the traffic to pass was Dominic.
“No reaction?” The man said, sounding slightly disappointed at the two, before clapping his hands together. “Ah! Americans! Very local man! You wouldn’t know!”
“Yeah, what’s his deal?” Lainey asked.
“Very funny man!” The driver explained. “He made declaration he would kill the king, actually gets inside the castle! But he always gets scared and leaves! He's been doing this for about a year now!”
“Sounds pathetic.” Ulrich muttered, looking back and seeing him cross the street.
“Yes, but funny!” The man yelled. “You can even buy shirts saying you saw him! Lot of criminals around recently. But he's funny. So I like him!"
"How many criminals?" Ulrich asked.
"Oh, lots." The man replied, losing his tone. "You see, last year was a big event called the redface murders. Worldwide news, I think."
"Oh shit, I heard of this one!" Lainey yelled out. "The one where the three girls got hacked up, right?"
"Yes, yes! Their faces were gone completely! Very bad! The killer wasn't caught, either! But anyway, we're here! "
The taxi rolled up to the entrance of Buckingham Palace, where the two stepped out. The two of them looked up at the palace towering over them. There were crowds of people all around the area, and alongside them was Dominic, waiting outside the gate.
“Aha! You came! Just like I knew you would!”
“We were going anyway, dude.” Lainey whispered through gritted teeth.
“Yes, but now we can come together! Let’s go!”
Dominic dragged Ulrich by his hood into the palace, and Lainey followed him there.
“Hey, is that Dominic?” Someone asked from the crowd.
“My god, it is!” His friend replied. “And he has new people with him!”
“The pink haired bird has a nice arse, you have to admit.”
“Hey there!” Dominic yelled, unhanding Ulrich to point at the boy who said that. “Unwarranted comments about the bodies of my associates are not to be tolerated!”
“What, you need more people to kill an old man?” One of them chortled.
“These two are my new recruits into the Dread Burners! And our actions will be incredible! Monumental! So legendary that the heavens themselves will hear of our actions!”
“Yes, indeed!” Lainey yelled. “We were found alone on the streets, abandoned by higher forces of heaven! The three of us need to rise up and take the corruption of the world by storm! The demon attacks are punishments for our sins, of the rich abandoning the rest of us while they thrive in excess. So we need to destroy the establishment, and work on fixing the world!”
“She…stole my speech!” Ulrich announced. “What she said!”
The crowd was in hysterics. As they all laughed on, with even the guards at the front struggling to keep a straight face. But the three of them walked in without any resistance.
Finally, the gemstone was within reach.
“Alright, race to the throne room?” Dominic asked casually.
“Sounds good.” Lainey replied with a quick nod.
Dominic once again bolted off into the labyrinth of hallways, leaving Lainey and Ulrich to comb the area to the throne room. If anyone stopped to question them, all it took was a flurry of poses and odd declarations to be let off the hook.
After checking nearly every room they came across without finding the gem, the sound of excited footsteps rang through the hallways.
“Here we are!” Dominic chuckled to himself. “And here you are, Lewis! Just where I need you to be!”
Ulrich and Lainey followed the voice into a small room. It was a small room with stained glass windows and a luxurious purple carpet, with a crystal chandelier hanging off it. And at the back of the room were several glass cases containing jewels of various kinds.
“Ah, you must be that joke assassin I’ve heard about.” The greying old man said calmly. He calmly cleaned his glasses and put them on his slightly wrinkled face. He dusted off his brown tweed jacket and smart trousers.
“Oh, I’m the joke alright! And I’m here to deliver the final punchline.”
“Interesting.” Lewis nodded. “And I suppose the other two are with you?”
“My loyalist of associates!” Dominic explained.
“Is this true?” He asked with an arch of his eyebrow.
“Sorry, we’re just here to look for something.” Lainey corrected. “You wouldn’t happen to have a…magic jewel? Sorry, but it’s needed for the demons.”
“You plan on stealing the crown jewels?” Lewis asked.
“We’ll give it back afterwards!” Ulrich added.
At this moment, the king stepped back, towards the crown jewels, and pressed a few buttons on a panel, where all the regular jewels went underneath the floor, and the door behind them locked. and in their place, a sceptre with a pure black gem at the top. Calmly, he took it, pointing it at the trio, and his face changed to a stern expression.
"I hate for it to come to this." He said gloomily. "But I've done a lot to maintain power over these years, and I shall face hell before you kids take it away from me!"
"Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Dominic yelled out, readying his axe. "Gotta say, guys. You really know how to entertain! Now let's kill this son of a bitch!"