Lanjin Tower is one of the city’s most iconic structures. Imagine the oriental pagodas but big enough to cover nine gridline blocks of land and 30 stories high, made of silver and crystal clear glass. It’s a wonder how their anti-glare coatings keep the tower from blinding others but at the same time maintain its high definition shine.

Lanjin Tower has 4 points of entry. East connects the tower to the city’s biggest park, Lanjin Central. West connects to the heart of Lanjin City. South connects to Lanjin’s central subway station. And finally North. At the north side entrance, tourists will often get tricked into thinking that they must’ve taken the east side entrance. Once out of the tower, you’d find yourself in a fairy tale like garden.

The door entrance is surrounded with a large man-made pond with big white lotus flowers and an abundance of giant koi fish. In front, you find a sign with two arrows pointing the opposite directions.

← Go left and stay grounded.

Go right and experience the sky.→

Both pathways will lead you to Lanjin Land, an amusement park with over 40 themed attractions. However, each path will give you a different experience. The left pathway will lead you through Fairyless Garden – because the only thing the garden is missing are fairies. The right pathway will lead you to the Sky Bridge – a clear see through bridge that ascends from Fairyless Garden. As you progress forward on the bridge, you find yourself going higher and higher, eventually surpassing the trees next to you. Truly not for the faint of heart.

I was waiting under a cherry blossom tree. These soft tiny pink petals fell on top of me but I didn’t mind. I was too anxious to care. 11:43 AM. 11:44 AM. 11:45 AM. Just because I knew that every time I looked at the time and it hadn’t progressed much means that I could stop myself from doing it.

Staring at the cherry blossom tree in front of me, I tried to resist that impulse to lift my phone up again. Just as I was about to give in, “Lavender rose tea please,” I heard.

I looked up and saw her staring at me with a slight smile. I gave her her drink and couldn’t look away as I watched her drink the tea. With the light wind gently blowing soft pink petals all around her and softly landing on her light pink trench coat, I couldn’t help but take out my camera to take some shots. I didn’t know when but she had started posing in some shots, most likely to humor me. When I had realized what I was doing, I noticed she looked very natural in all of the shots. Does she have any experience in modeling?

“So! Garden or bridge?” she asked suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts. “To be honest, I’m very afraid of heights. But wouldn’t that be fun? Falling in love via the suspension bridge method?”

She sounded very cheerful and casual but I couldn’t help but feel that there was something wrong with that last sentence of hers. I didn’t dwell on it much though. After all, my thoughts were very much on her.

“Let’s… go through Fairyless Garden,” I decided. “The garden could use a fairy today.” However, as soon as I had said that, we both cringed with embarrassment.

Laughing it off, we started our journey through the garden.

“So, what drink did you get?” she asked, looking at the blue liquid in my half empty cup.

“Blue rose. I quite like it.”

“OH! That’s one of my favorites! You know I wasn’t expecting you to get me tea from RosesNLavender. It’s my absolute favorite tea shop so I’ll have you know that you went up a few scores in my book.”

“Haha. I’ve never heard of this place before but it was the only place within the area that I could find with lavender rose tea. But I’m very glad for the discovery. I actually wouldn’t mind drinking this every day.”

“Oh trust me hun, with me, you will. So, tell me something I can’t google.”

“Uhhh…. Hm…. I… huh… What can’t you google about me?”

“That’s exactly what I’m asking!”

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

“Well… I…” For some reason, I started panicking. Well, more like I had an identity crisis.

I’m turning 27 this year. I started my trainee days when I was 14 and then debuted at 15. For the first 5 years, Dawn Front was in rookie mode. We did what the agency told us to. We catered to our fans to become relevant. We worked hard and finally succeeded. Or at least I think we did? What defines success in the entertainment world? I know people who constantly appears on TV yet they only get paid just enough. I also know people who get constantly bashed by the public yet they still make a fortune. I truly think that Dawn Front has become a leader in the music industry though we may not be number one. But now what? We’re approaching our 12th year anniversary and I feel like we’ve just been lingering around the top.

Our agency trusts us and gives us a fair amount of freedom. We can write our own songs and they’ve actually been pretty good hits. I can see our fans’ dedication and support. I don’t want to make it sound like we’re still begging for their support but at the same time I can’t sound ungrateful and deny their efforts as without them there is no this. This experience, this life, this present. I love my life. But I’ve also had enough. I don’t know where they came from but they just won’t go away.

These demons, they scorn my friends, lash out at my band mates, laugh at my family, mock my therapist, loathe my fans, and worst of all, just wants me to die. However, as much as I blame m demons, I know, deep down in my heart, it’s really me.

I look down on my friends. I’ve screamed in my heart so many times asking why is it they couldn’t help me. Why is it that they can’t understand the pain I’m in? I know it’s unreasonable to blame them for something they haven’t experienced to understand. I know it is but I still can’t help but feel that way.

I’ve also been giving attitude to my band mates recently. They know I’m losing touch with reality. I know they’ve been trying to help. We’ve been band mates for over a decade. We’ve lived together, trained together, performed together. We’re brothers. We’re family. At least, I want to consider us family. But there’s always that voice that says “Yes, you’ve LIVED together, TRAINED together, PREFORMED together. As in PAST TENSE. You’ve grown. You’re nearing your 30s and it’s time for them to have real families of their own”. I want so badly to accept their help but all I can think about is how we’ll someday drift apart, barely remaining as friends. When I just think of how they’ll disappear from my life, I just get so mad. Mad them for leaving. Mad at me for slowly pushing them away.

Though they aren’t the only people I’ve been pushing away. My family has just been as concerned. However, they don’t understand. They try but they still don’t get it. My sister has tried to be supportive, but as a younger brother, I just feel awkward since our relationship was like cats and dogs. We love each other but we’d never show it.

I thought that a therapist would help. They always said a neutral third party view could do wonders. I don’t even know what to say about this. Should I blame my therapist for not being good enough? But it’s not just one, I’ve been to many, giving each a fair three tries. I just can’t help but think I’m unfixable.

With no where I can really turn, I put my demons in songs. I’ve been trying to turn the demons into lyrics, hoping that the melodies can carry them away. But no matter how many demons I push out, many more are born. People praise my songs; many of them even being top hits. But no matter how much praises I get, I don’t feel like it was enough. During our first few years, we spent them trying to gain and please the fans. After we had a stable fan base, I guess you could say our projected personality sort of became us. A half truth became a whole truth. It has never been a lie that people continue to grow and change. However, at least for me, this smiley happy-go-lucky person was never me. But now I can’t stop smiling. The fans, they love my smile but I’ve gotten so good at it, sometimes, they can’t even tell the difference between a real one and a fake one. I love my fans. But some moments, I just want to ditch them all. Ditch all their expectations, their heavy love, and their burdensome support.

How great would it be. To just leave. To just sleep. For the rest of my “life”.

* %p^$^l@#r%$#s&g^s#!!!!

This loud obnoxious slurping noise yanked me out of my thoughts and I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned to my right and Vivian was happily slurping away at the last bit of her tea, oblivious to my shocked faced.

She finished her drink and turned to me. “10 minutes. It took me 10 minutes to finish this drink and you still haven’t finished your long ass thought,” she said.

“Oh shit! Sor –”

“So! You should have an answer by now. Tell me what I can’t google about you,” she interrupted me, as if I hadn’t started to apologize.

“I…" The wheels started to turn furiously inside my head. "... am 6 inches!” I blurted out, my face red like I was sunburnt. Vivian did a quick glance and retorted with a smirk, “Well, we’ll see about that.”

We continued along the garden trail and came across the waterfall area. There was a small café nearby so we decided to stop there for lunch. It was a little-cottage-in-the-forest themed shop serving afternoon tea and sandwiches.

I ordered a chicken BLT sandwich and she ordered a smoked salmon toast with avocado and goat cheese. We each got our own scone with rose jam and lemon curd and a pot of Darjeeling tea to share.

As we waited for our food to arrive, Vivian looked me dead straight in the eyes and said with an eyebrow raised, “Of all the things you could’ve told me, you choose 6 inches?”