Theo hummed to himself as he walked along the small stream of blood. The tunnel continued - a rocky cave occasionally dotted with a trickle of fresh blood or jutting bones. Splashing along had been fun enough at first, but after the route hadn’t really changed much, he now found that his feet were just wet.

It didn’t annoy him however - he just thought he should have known a little better. Wasn’t the first time he’d been ankle deep in the crimson stuff.

“This place is far too macabre,” he said, pausing to look up at one of the monstrous skulls half-emerged from the walls. “Perhaps rude for me to insult the decor out loud, but I’m sure somebody will be along to admonish me in short order.”

He tilted his head to look down the gloomy tunnel, but the only response was the pattering of red liquid to the slick stone floor.

It was only a matter of time.

The vampire stepped over to a different skeletal amalgamation. A small humanoid skull that had an odd spiked spine behind it. With his hand, he bent and snapped it from the wall. It would look rather nice in Sally’s hair, so he’d save it for her.

From behind him, the soft splash of footsteps came from where he had traveled from. Quicker than he had anticipated. Some part of the trial, no doubt, but what did he need to do exactly? Wouldn’t be very good if he messed up his end while the zombie aced hers. Sally always failed upwards.

Hmm. But it was probably something simple. Kill the monsters. Bring Death to those unworthy.

With a grin, he turned around to face his assailants. Three ghostly warriors. Other than boots, gloves, and a helmet, their only other physical facets were metal bands around their knees, elbows, and waist. Oh, the jagged spears were real too. The rest of their body was thick black mist. Singular white eyes stared out from within the face-guard of the deep blue headgear.

“This is all you sent against me?” Theo twirled the hammer around as he got into position. “I thought this was a trial?”

The armed shadows didn’t respond. How droll. Although he often spent time adventuring alone, he was already missing being back on Sanctuary. The time between rescuing the giant’s world, helping defeat the space cockroach, and then coming here to assist Sally was far too short.

Still, the sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could go back home.

Hammer spun in his hand again as he darted forward. He may have no Class, but the broken abilities carried over from Sanctuary were enough to fight against most things. Especially after all the practice on the small island against Borin.

Struck the first in the waistband and twirled away from the strike of the second. Theo kicked up a spray of blood from the floor at the third, before bringing down the hammer on their head - crushing the helmet.

The black mist composing their body faded away as their metal armor pieces dropped to the rocky floor. He turned to block the swing of the next shadow with the length of the hammer shaft, alongside the next two follow-ups. On the last strike in the sequence, the vampire stepped to the side and allowed the sharp weapon to pass by his side. Hooked the weapon behind his own and spun, wrenching the spear from the shadow’s grasp before the turning motion allowed him to strike the opponent in the back of their helmet.

With a flourish of his magic hammer, he turned to the last of his assailants. They paused, briefly surprised at his efficiency. Terrible decision.

Theo lashed forward with inhuman speed and swung his hammer around like a baseball bat. Shadow reacted too slowly, their armor buckling just as their held weapon snapped from the force. As the slumping group of metal parts slammed against the back wall, the vampire looked down at his forearm.

Broken. The sharp end of the split bone had ruptured through his skin in eagerness to be noticed. Perhaps he had struck a little too hard - his body here clearly not as durable as back in Sanctuary.

“Not great, but…” His eyebrow raised as he flexed his arm back and forth. “No pain or restriction of movement. System here must be worse than I had thought.”

He shrugged to himself. Although he wasn’t as mentally immune to self injury as Sally, he was sure that he should feel a little worse about snapping his dominant arm - especially with a trial to complete, but he just felt… okay.

Head turned back to the endless tunnel ahead, only now it wasn’t endless. It had an end - an opening to a large cavern. At the back of this cavern was a house. Something rather odd to find in such a place. Even odder still, there was a group of Shadows blocking the view of the lower floor.

Naturally he would have to go in the building - that seemed obvious, even if Bernice hadn’t been clear about what the trial actually was.

He grinned, his fangs catching the light, as he stepped toward the monsters. Hammer spun in his grip, even if it did make his jutting bone click. A message coming in to his System distracted him for a moment.

[Sally: Hey fangs, you in your trial?]

[Theo: Yeah, think I’m crushing it.]

[Sally: is that a hammer pun]

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[Theo: Isn’t everything?]

[Theo: Race you to the end!]

His grin widened. A little friendly competition was perfect to fill his empty stomach. She hadn’t mentioned a house, so maybe he was ahead already. Just had to kill his way through the unpleasant shadows that didn’t have drinkable necks.

Boots stopped, sloshing around more blood.

“Dear enemies, I come to you with some good news.” He pushed his glasses up his nose, the lenses glowing as bright as his fangs. “I’m here to offer you a quick Death, as a gentleman can’t keep a lady waiting.”

Or rather, he intended to be waiting for her - as he would win the race.

The shadows didn’t care much for his speech, the two dozen odd amalgamations of smoke and metal armor turning to glare at him with their single eyes. These ones had more of a mixture of melee weapons, but each was as dark and jagged as the next.

Theo rolled his neck out. Didn’t really matter.

[Novice Strike] illuminated his weapon in a bright pink glow.

He burst from his position, spinning the hammer around, leaving a glowing trail before the movements. Just before he reached the mass of enemies, he slid across the slick rock floor, getting blood soaked through his suit. Hammer went through the knee-joint of the closest shade and he rolled to his feet - allowing his skill to slash into the next Shadow almost immediately.

Theo twisted again, the head of his hammer seeking a new target to pummel. He slightly overdid it, and his leg snapped, bone piercing through his calf. Didn’t… seem to hinder his movements, though. Second and third Shadow blown backward by the force of his attacks. Every time Novice Strike connected, he got a free follow-up and attack speed boost. As his attack speed increased, so too did his critical strike chance.

Apparently, it also increased the amount of damage he did to his own body, too.

Left elbow erupted from the skin. As did the forearm, and then the right thigh. His body contorted to allow the hammer to attack at the cost of his own structural integrity. Theo’s weapon cleaved through two Shadows and struck the rocky floor, the reverberations running through his torso - causing his ribs to stretch out and pop through his chest and clothing. Blood soaked through his wounds and dripped down to the stream below him.

He paused to catch his breath. Novice Strike wasn’t usually this potent - and he didn’t feel any worse considering how mangled his body now looked. Probably part of the trial, though. That’s what made the most sense.

As blood and sweat ran down his face, he looked up at the remaining opponents. They parted to allow a larger Shadow through holding what looked to be a backpack fed cannon.

Theo clenched his teeth together. “Absolutely not, go fu-”

Before he had the chance to finish, the weapon didn’t blast a projectile his way, but instead sprayed him down with a viscous gray liquid. Just as soon as it covered him, the stream stopped.

The vampire looked down at his jutting bones as the liquid seeped into his body and dripped to the steam of blood on the ground. “What’s that supposed to be? Some kind of bone hurting juice?”

An answer came in no time at all, as he watched his skin melt off. Thick slabs of his flesh dropped from his body as his clothing fell slack against his exposed skeleton.

“Now you’ve done it.” Theo grinned, his whole skull gleaming in the low light. “That was just holding me back.”

[Novice Strike] bloomed up again, and he flashed forward. Every time he struck, another of his own bones would crack, but instead of falling apart, more bone was growing from the splits. Blood ran from these newly fused parts, flicking through the air as he lashed between each of the remaining shadows.

He leaped on his hind legs, and brought the hammer head down on the larger Shadow, destroying them. Eyes scoured the cavern, but that had been the last of them. Sharp claws took him over to the house, his long skeletal arm grasping at the door handle.

Stepping through the threshold, there was no house interior as expected. A domed room where the center had a wide raised circle of stone. Odd runes and inscriptions on this higher up part. He took a short step up on the side of it to get a better look, when there came a shuffling noise from the opposite side of the room.

A mutated creature of writhing roots and green vines came crawling through. A large head that resembled a sunflower, wide mouth filled with dozens of sharp teeth grinning. Deep set eyes that were pits of glowing red.

“Took your time,” Theo growled out, a grin of sharp teeth amongst his own bleeding skeletal parts.

“I assume the strong desire I have to smooch you,” the plant-monster hissed, “means that you are Theo.”

“Seems so, Sally.” He gestured to the central dial. “The next part of the trial looks to be a puzzle.”

“Gross,” she hissed, her tentacle-like fingers wiggling in the air. “Were we supposed to fight? Maybe we’re supposed to bleed on it?”

Theo shrugged. “I’m already doing that.” There seemed to be no end to the light pattering of the red stuff continuously running from his joints.

“What if… we’re meant to smooch, huh?” She made the attempt to wiggle her eyebrows, which didn’t do much for her current appearance. “Or worse… get to sixth base?”

“You… never really got how to play baseball, did you?” The once-vampire stepped up onto the raised platform fully.

“That’s because you kept me far away in the field for the most part!” Her roots squirmed in indignation, and the once-zombie also moved up onto the engraved surface.

“Well, you were a little aggressive and overeager with the bat.”

“Some things never change.” Her tendrils rose up and caressed around his skeletal face. “You’ll have to imagine that I’m winking right now.”

Theo attempted to sigh, which was difficult without any lungs or throat. “I’m not sure I feel smart enough to solve puzzles.”

The creature that was now Sally nodded her head. Even on a good day, having to use their brains was never their strong suit - and the vampire was meant to be the smartest of the bunch. Being transformed into aspects of Life and Death was one thing, but having to make a decision on what this big circle wanted of them was true torture.

“It’s not a language I understand,” she offered. “But I don’t feel much like bleeding. Is that a Life thing?”

“In a way.” Theo tilted his skeletal head. “But then, everything is life and death in some way or another. That’s just like… a cycle that persists, right?”

Sally grinned. “In that case… I have a proposition for you.”

“Go on…”

“I think we should continue to exist. Life and Death together.”

The once-vampire grinned. “We had just married, but this can be our binding vow?”

Standing near the center of the disc, Theo held the hammer up into the air, the head pointing downwards. Sally came up in front of him, her own writhing vines wrapping around the handle to join him.

They pressed their odd faces together, before parting.

As one, they brought the weapon down, striking the floor with their combined strengths.

The loud clang vibrated through the chamber, ringing through their ears, before tapering off. Just the creaking of Sally’s roots moving, and Theo’s blood dripping remained against the fresh silence.

And then a crack tore through the floor, light shining from the split.

Before they could act, the seal exploded, bathing both of them in impossibly bright white. Arms clinging to each other, they fell.