Coffee. As with everything in this world of ours, coffee has had it's merits and drawbacks debated fervently by any number of people with a mouth and a halfway formed thought. Dave wishes everyone to know that they can take their negative thoughts on coffee and dive in a deep dark hole. He needs his coffee as much, if not more, than the air he breathes. If he could hyper-oxygenate coffee he would probably attempt to breath it. That being said it is no shock at all to find Dave standing in his kitchen, two minutes and twelve seconds after waking up, pouring himself a cup of coffee left over from yesterdays pot. One does not waste coffee, even if a day old. Or maybe even two.
After taking his first sip he wobbled over to the kitchen table, sat, and turned on the tv. Only it doesn't in fact turn on. Because in his caffeine deprived minutes after waking up he did not in fact grab the remote to the tv. Sitting there pressing his finger against the wrapper of a breakfast bar that was left on the table would have been an amusing sight had anyone been there to witness. As realization sets in that he is in fact not holding the remote, Dave decided that downing the remainder of his first cup of cold coffee, and turning on the light, may be prudent courses of action.
With the coffee downed and the light now on finding the remote was fairly simple. Flipping the tv on he navigated his way over to WGN morning news. Dave prefers WGN in the morning as while they do report all the news, they try to keep things light hearted. Yes, the world is going to shit, but since there is very little he can do about it he may as well have a good laugh while fighting off the existential dread. Time for more coffee. Filling his cup with the remainder of the contents of the pot he prepared the coffee maker to brew a fresh pot.
The news anchor currently speaking is reporting on a weird series of lights seen in the sky over Lake Michigan by a group of people who were out on a party boat the night before. Obviously the consumption of alcohol while at sea has always led to some questionable issues with eyesight. Just then, the windows of the house rattled loudly followed a millisecond afterward by a loud bang. Now Dave is not completely unflappable. In fact he has been flapped quite a few times in his life. However, after many years of dealing with less than desirable circumstances Dave has developed a well tailored resting bitch face that remains locked on at all times. Even in his sleep. So while he did not outwardly appear to be concerned about what sounded like a small explosion coming from the back of the house, he did in fact grab his coffee cup and head out the back door to investigate.
Upon exiting the door and turning left to face his garage he saw the tell tail trail of smoke rising up above his neighbors garage. It wasn't a lot of smoke. Looked like the results of a small campfire perhaps. It wasn't billowing and looked as if there wasn't an active fire so the investigation continued. Stepping into his garage and opening the rolling door to the alley Dave tried to ignore the absolute mess that was his garage. Boxes of things he will probably never need, use, or interact with again just sitting about haphazardly. Saddest part is, a lot of it wasn't even his. Dave turned out to be his family's version of u-store-it, except without the monthly fee.
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Shaking himself out of his thoughts of being walked all over by friends and family he continued through the garage and stepped out into the gravel of the alley. Looking to his left he immediately noticed that the garage door across the alley from his neighbor had a slight depression in it that was not there before. The depression was vaguely human shaped with arms and legs akimbo. Lowering his gaze to the alley below the door was a gently smoking body in much the same position as the impression on the door. He wasn't overly concerned as to the state of the person on the ground as he could hear the soft moaning of pain. Pain was good. Pain means there's still life. Taking a glance over towards his neighbors' garage Dave saw the front end of a late 70's dodge dart halfway in the alley with the hood open and smoke gently rising from it.
The still living and in pain individual was Chad. Chad is a very complex person once you get to know him. His actions often leave him labeled as an idiot. However, Chad is a very intelligent person, he just lacks the little voice in his head that says "This is a bad idea". Coffee cup in hand Dave walked over to Chad and, trying not to sound at all like he was amused by this in any way said, "Hey Chad. You ok my guy?". Getting his hands underneath him, Chad slowly started pushing himself up and replied "I think so, but I don't know what happened." Dave stepped over hand offered a free hand to help get the man to his feet making sure not to spill the coffee.
As Chad arose and Dave got a good look at his face the facade of not being amused by all of this completely disappeared as Dave erupted into uproarious laughter. One may wonder as to the character of a man that would laugh at his neighbor in such a situation. But seeing a mans face with decidedly missing eyebrows who was not currently going through cancer treatments would activate the schadenfreude in anyone. Chad looked puzzled at Dave's response but wrote it off as Dave being Dave.
"So, do I want to ask what happened here?" Dave inquired as his laughter subsided. "Well it wouldn't start" Chad replied in a matter of fact tone. "I looked it up on google and most of the solutions I found said to spray starting fluid into the carburetor to give a little push". Dave nodded, that was indeed one way of assisting an old carbureted engine to start, providing there was nothing else wrong with it. Chad continued, "Well I didn't have any starting fluid. But I know that I can turn my wife’s hairspray into a flamethrower so.." Dave cut him off immediately, "WAIT, you tried to use hairspray.... as starting fluid?" Apparently Chad had not quite caught on to the growing hilarity of the situation and responded in all seriousness, "Yes, sprayed the whole can in there before trying to start it."
Sure enough as Dave looked under the hood of the old car a completely empty can of Aqua Net lay right next to the manual starting switch that Chad had connected to the starter solenoid. He tried, really tried to not facepalm right there and then. He failed. Looking at Chad and his distinct lack of eyebrows Dave said "Well, I have to get ready for work, you better go inside and make sure nothing is broken.” Chad slowly nodded and headed off through his garage to his house. As Dave turned to return home he said to himself “Just can’t make this stuff up.”