The serum was definitely working, Mara thought as she watched his eyes flare wide, his mouth open, then shut, jaw clenching. Unclenching. Clenching.
“It’s okay,” she said, making her voice low and soothing. “Just tell me.”
“You’re a bear in the morning.” The words exploded from his mouth, and he pressed his lips together the second they escaped.
Mara laughed. “And do you agree with Davy’s assessment?”
His brows snapped together, eyes pleading as they found hers.
“Relax,” she said. “If you fight it, the ronobon is going to take over and we’ll have a long night ahead of us. Just take a breath, answer the questions, and we’ll be done before you know it. I promise not to hold any of your answers against you. You’re doing me a favor here, remember?”
“I remember,” he mumbled.
“Good. You were going to tell me if you agree with Davy’s assertion that I’m a bear in the morning.”
“You are,” he said miserably. “Or a badger, maybe.”
She laughed. “Thank you for your honesty. Alright, are you ready for the next question?”
“No.”
She laughed again, watching him sway on his seat, eyes bleary. “Would you like to lay down?”
“No.”
Pressing her lips together, she nodded. “Okay. First question. Did you betray Davy?”
“No.”
“Did you ever consider betraying Davy?”
“No. Never.”
“Did you betray the rebellion?”
“No.”
“Did you ever consider betraying the rebellion?”
“Yes.”
Her heart stuttered. “When?” she asked, her voice small.
“Today. Yesterday. Every day since it got Davy killed.”
“Oh,” she whispered. “What… what are you going to do? Or what would you do? To betray the rebellion.”
His hands clenched reflexively on the water flask. “I’m considering taking you and Nick south.”
“South where?”
“South to the sea. Across the sea. I have enough money to purchase passage on a merchant vessel. Set you up with an apartment in Ralin. Physiks work aboveground there. You could make a nice life for yourself.”
“But you’re not sure?” she asked, seeing the indecision on his face.
“No. I don’t know what Davy would want.”
She’d vowed not to get angry at him for any of his answers. It would be unfair, considering she’d drugged him into honesty. But still…
“What about what I want?” she asked quietly. “Why haven’t you asked me?”
“I was going to.”
“When?”
“In Cinder. There’s a safe enough route, from there to Port Fear.”
“Why not ask before then, though? Why twist yourself up about this when it’s not even your decision to make?” His jaw clenched again–another answer he didn’t want to give her. “Eli,” she prodded gently.
“If you asked,” he said, his voice choked, “I wanted to be able to advise you. On what Davy might say if he was here. I was putting it off, until I had a better idea how I could answer.”
Her eyes grew misty, but she was unwilling to spend any time ruminating on why. She’d already resolved not to unravel into a weepy mess. Not until they were safe. So it was better not to think too hard about why when her throat grew thick or her eyes fogged over. Better to just blink the tears away and breathe until the tightness in her chest eased its hold.
“Will you honor my wishes?” she asked. “When we get to Cinder and it’s time to make the decision? Will you take me where I want to go, regardless of what you think Davy would want?”
“Yes.”
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
“Why? Why do you care at all about what happens to us?”
He slid off the pack and leaned back against it, the toes of his boots dangerously close to the fire. “You don’t deserve what the Order would have done to you. Nick doesn’t deserve to be an orphan.”
“That just explains why you got us out of the city. Not why you’re so determined to do right by us.”
He shook his head, blinking slowly at the fire. “I cared about Davy. He–” He cut off, wincing, and squeezed the bridge of his nose. “He loved you and Nick,” he concluded. “What else could I do?”
She didn’t answer—couldn’t—and after a few long heartbeats of pregnant silence, he shook himself as if trying to rattle loose his brain. “What else do you want to know?”
“Um…” What did she want to know? What could she possibly ask that would alleviate the twinge of reluctance still lodged inside her chest? “Would you ever use persuasive magic on me again?”
He turned his head and looked at her as steadily as he was able. “Not without your permission.”
“You swear on your life?”
“I swear on my life,” he declared, a little drunkenly, “never to use persuasive magic on you, or on Nick, ever again, without your permission. I’ll take an oath on it, if you like.”
Oaths, Mara knew, were tricky things–strong spells upholding uncompromising rules. Poorly executed, they could have disastrous consequences. Her own–to Davy–still terrified her. She’d been so young when she’d taken it, felt so righteous in her sacrifice. But as soon as she’d felt that magic in the back of her throat, she had known–she wouldn’t take another oath as long as she lived.
“There’s no need for that,” she said. “Do you have my best interest at heart?”
He dipped his chin in a single, emphatic nod. “Yes.”
“And Nick’s?”
“Yes.”
“You won’t lead us into harm?”
He wrinkled his nose. “Not intentionally. But it’s a dangerous road.”
“You won’t betray us?
“No.”
“Do you have any more secret abilities, magical or otherwise?”
He let out a deep, weary breath. “I’m good at cards.”
She blinked. “I’m sorry?”
“The first winter solstice you were married, you and Davy had a few of us over for supper. We played Roundstack. Davy had mentioned you’re a sore loser and I wanted you to like me, so I let you win. But I’m very good at Roundstack. All card games, really. I could have beat you.”
She laughed, remembering the night in question, not sure if she should be charmed or insulted. “You can’t say that for sure, since you didn’t even try. Maybe I could beat you fair and square. We’ll have to have a rematch.”
“No, I know for sure,” he said, though his voice was strained, as if he was trying very hard to stem the words. “You’re not very good.” He dropped his face into his hand with a muffled groan.
She pressed her lips together to keep from laughing even harder. Who would have thought that this, of all the topics they’d covered, would be the one that caused him the most distress?
“We’ll have to see,” she said gently. “Just a few more questions, I promise. And then I’ll leave you alone to sleep this off.”
He grunted without lifting his face from his hand. Maybe he couldn’t. She might have overdone it a bit with the relaxants.
“Do you think I’m a fool for not telling Nicky the truth? About Davy?”
He lifted his head and his eyes found her face in the firelight, heavy-lidded and foggy.
“No.”
“You don’t think he deserves the truth?”
“He does. But you deserve to tell him when you have the strength to handle his grief as well as your own. If that means it needs to wait, it’ll wait.”
She’d expected his answer to make her stomach hurt or her heart clench. Instead, it set a low fire burning in the center of her chest. Not bright or warm enough to light up the dark corners, but enough that she felt, for the first time since they’d started on this journey, like something other than a cold and empty husk.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“For what?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Understanding?”
“Oh. Well. Sure. Do you have any more questions?”
She did. She had a thousand questions. But he’d begun to slump inexorably toward the fire, and the water flask in his hand was angled so far to the side that splashes of water had begun to slosh over the lip.
“Just one more. Are you still keeping secrets from me.”
He leaned his head back against the pack and shut his eyes. “Yes.”
She wasn’t surprised, really. “Do they have to do with me?”
“No.”
“With Nick?”
“No.”
“Are there any you can tell me without breaking your oath?”
His brow scrunched, and he rolled his head against the pack without opening his eyes. “No. I’m sorry.”
She sighed, frustrated. “Are these secrets going to make me angry when I find them out?”
“Hmm,” he grunted in sleepy contemplation. Then he shook his head. “Maybe. But not because they affect you. You’ll just feel like you were missing a piece of the puzzle. But it’s not an important piece. It’s just one of those middle bits you don’t even notice is missing unless you look closely.”
Mara sighed again, this time resigned. This was why Cat’s Tail was better. It was easier to get the dosage correct, which she definitely hadn’t done. She’d clearly overdone it on the relaxants. “Okay,” she said, pushing to her feet. “Sit up.”
When he obeyed, she dragged his pack farther away from the fire. “Lay here. And don’t put your feet towards the fire, angle them that way.”
Grumbling, he shifted about on the ground so that he lay at a safer distance, sloshing water every which way until she removed the flask from his hand.
“Do you really sleep okay out here?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you want me to lay out your sleeping roll for you?”
“No.” He was already half-asleep from the sound of it, and as she watched he shifted out his side, towards the fire and pointedly away from her.
“Okay… Well, thank you.”
“Mm.”
“Good night.”
“Night.”
She took her time getting ready to sleep, energized despite the hour. Her plan, rough as it was, had worked, soothing away the rough edges of distrust. Giving her some sense of control over her future and that of her son. Before, she’d felt reasonably certain that Eli’s loyalty to the rebellion would compel him at least to take her to the enclave safely. Now, she knew that his loyalty was foremost to Davy, and by association to her and Nick.
Come Cinder, he’d give her a decision. And whatever she decided, he would honor her choice.