Chapter 1

Jan. 16, 1999–

There was a bleak, woozy stretch the moment Damien opened his eyes. He tried fixing the covers to his liking but it didn’t feel right. Something was off, and he knew exactly what it was. The moment he turned and searched for Aaliyah’s warmth was the moment he realized she was really gone. He thought for a second and tried to remember what she felt like. It was during the winter when the heater wasn’t enough to keep them warm through the night. He remembered how she would rest her head against his chest and wrap her arms around his waist. How she would smile from the sound of his heartbeat.

Damien rose from the covers and sat at the edge of the bed. There was a soft gleam of the January sky that highlighted the curtains of his bedroom apartment. There wasn’t much sun in the past few weeks and Damien thought it matched his unsettled mood. He couldn’t find much hope in anything nowadays. Everything felt different and out of place; as if the world had completely changed overnight. But for him, it felt like an eternity.

They broke up three months ago, a few weeks after her 22nd birthday. He tried not to remember how it happened, but there were times he found himself thinking about what went wrong, or what he could have done differently to make her stay. To her, it seemed as if there were no words or actions he could have taken to keep her by his side. As if everything that happened was meant to happen. It hurt Damien to think that was how she felt, and that they were no longer good for each other. 

The phone in the kitchen went off like an ignited timebomb. Damien peeked over his shoulder with eagerness, with some hope that it was her, but he knew it wasn’t. He checked his alarm clock that sat at the edge of his nightstand and knew he was late for work.

“Shit,” he muttered harshly.

Damien lunged from his bed and scrambled for his work clothes that hung in his laundry basket. He struggled to find his work shoes but it didn’t help as the phone continued to ring like an endless buzz. It took him a while until he found his shoes stashed under his bed along with other junk he didn’t remember putting there.

“Keys,” he thought to himself. “Where the fuck are my keys?”

Damien completely dismantled his bedroom in search of his car keys; the covers unraveled, laundry scattered on the floor. He suddenly found them stuffed inside his work pants and promptly made his way to the parking lot of his apartment complex.

A freezing wind settled over a sea of dark clouds that hung over the city of Seattle. His 1989 Toyota Corolla was parked at the end of the lot. A beat-up handy-down with low gas and high mileage. Damien struggled to keep it in shape. He thought about how lucky he was to finally get a car after graduating high school, and how convenient it was for him and Aaliyah to go out on more dates. It was a shitty sedan that held a lot of memories; memories he was sure not to forget. 

It took him a couple of tries to get the car started. The engine screeched like nails grazing against thick glass. Damien knew there were always complaints about the unbearable noise his car made early in the morning. His neighbors were persistent to remind him every now and then, but he didn’t care.

The drive to Skate Palace was chaotic. It was as if a frenzy of crazed drivers decided to go sixty on forty-fives down avenues, drunken off their tasteless cappuccinos from Starbucks. The only thing that stood out was the multitude of vibrant hues from the city parks, the sky and even passing cars. Seattle was a pop-culture city pinched inside a hopeless snow globe. Under the artificial glow of the street lamps, they were shallow and dull with a few pedestrians walking in loose-knitted sweaters and dark-colored flannels.

Damien pulled up to the skating rink within twenty minutes; not his personal best but he was already late to begin with. He fumbled his backpack and left his car quickly, unsure if he had locked it. When Damien entered the building there were a few people already renting skates. His coworkers from the rental booth noticed him and stared with almost displeasure. Damien wasted no time making his way to the lockers behind the breakroom. However, as he tried to settle in, his manager, Rick, stepped into the locker room with a hard look on his face.

“Damien,” he said in a sharp voice. “I need to talk to you in the office when you’re done.”

Damien cursed under his breath.

“Yeah, sure,” he said calmly as if he wanted to.

As Rick made his way back to the office, Damien gently slammed his locker shut, knowing the strict lecture he was about to receive. When he got to the office, Rick was seated behind his desk, holding a folder as if it had some sort of importance to his tardiness. 

“Have a seat, Damien,” he ordered without looking at him.

Damien took a seat across from him and tried to seem relaxed, but it was hard. His heart was pounding against his chest and his head was throbbing. The way Rick sat across from him was unusual; his erect posture, arms rested on the desk with his fingers interlocked.

“I wanted to talk to you about your attendance,” Rick said.

“Yeah, I know, it’s been bad, and I’ve been trying to fix it, but–” Damien jumbled his words unexpectedly but Rick was quick to cut him off.

“This is the second time you’ve been late for work this month,” Rick declared.

He could see the irritation in his eyes as if he didn’t want to address the situation.

“You remember when I talked to you about this problem during the holidays?” he asked sternly. “I tried understanding your situation then and gave you a warning, but now I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s gotten out of hand and I feel like us having this conversation over and over again isn’t cutting it. I mean, seriously man, what’s the issue?”

The issue was the breakup. Damien hadn’t been himself the past few months, but nobody cared to understand that. He assumed it was because he didn’t bother to tell anyone about it. He wanted to explain to Rick that the breakup was the reason he didn’t have any motivation to do anything. Damien wanted to be upfront and tell him the problems he’d been facing at home with school and his friends, but he couldn’t. He knew if he were to use his fucked up past relationship as an excuse for his incompetence at work, he felt like it wouldn’t mean anything to Rick.

“I haven’t been getting much sleep lately,” Damien said with some truth. “It’s been hard for me to sleep at night, and when I do, I feel like I barely get any.”

“Okay,” Rick replied with concern. “Have you tried taking any medications or–”

“No,” Damien answered quickly. “It’s...I don’t know. I just have trouble sometimes sleeping and waking up on time. Even with an alarm, it’s hard.”

Rick nodded as if he understood but he couldn’t tell for sure.

“Listen, Damien,” Rick began firmly. “You’ve been working here for almost three years now. I know you’re a hard worker and I don’t like it when things like this slide. If it was really something that’s been bothering you, then you should come to me and discuss it. Not have me second guess why you’re late for work all of a sudden. It’s your responsibility to show up on time and work the shifts you’ve been scheduled to work. I don’t like being hard with you guys, but if it’s to get a point across, then I have to.”

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Rick was a good manager. Damien started working at the skating rink at eighteen after high school. Back then, it was more so trying to find a job and make money for himself instead of asking his parents every other day; that and trying to save for a car and a place of his own. He didn’t care where he worked, as long as it wasn’t McDonald’s, or any other fast-food restaurant in the city. Skate Palace was a decent start; minimum wage with no benefits other than getting free passes to special events and leftovers from the snack bar. Of course, he would take advantage of that whenever he and Aaliyah went on cheap dates. It was their thing, or at least, it used to be. Rick never cared and let some of the other workers bring in their family and friends. He was cool with them and let a lot of things slide. But ever since his divorce last year, he changed, and Damien couldn’t blame him. A part of him felt he could relate. An unexpected pain that poisoned their minds thinking about the ones they loved. How it created a sick persona that people were unfamiliar with, or how they had no desire to keep themselves together to strive for something better. It felt hopeless.

“I know you live on your own and have bills to pay,” Rick said with some comfort. “I wish I had the same drive as you when I was your age. And if I did, I wouldn’t be irresponsible and show up late for work. I would try to dedicate myself to it and not let myself fall short. I like you, Damien, and I want to keep you. But this is your last warning, man. One more screw up and you’re done. Do you understand?”

“Yeah,” he nodded softly.

“Good,” Rick said as he got rid of the folder. “But for now, I’m scheduling you for the night shifts. I want you to get as much rest so you don’t have to rush to get here early.”

Damien always hated the night shifts. They were typically the busiest, especially during the summer. At first, he didn’t mind working late, as most of his classes were scheduled in the morning anyway. But the closer he got to graduation, the fewer classes he had to take, which meant opening up his availability. But the days he spent working the mornings were the nights he spent with Aaliyah. Damien preferred that schedule as it used to align with her’s. They spent a lot of time at his place watching movies, ordering take-out, and having sex. It was good for them.

Damien worked the morning shift after his talk with Rick. The day was slow for the most part with a few families here and there. One of his coworkers, Abby, was prissy with him at first, but they ended up getting things done on time for the evening crew. He told her what happened with Rick and how he was going to be scheduled for the night shifts. She too found it awful that he would do that to him, but then again, she didn’t really care since it wasn’t her.

“Good luck working with Brian,” Abby said with content. “He doesn’t get anything done.”

“I’ll make him,” Damien said confidently.

He left the skating rink at 5 PM. The drive back home was busy as most people were getting off work as well. Damien decided to take a different way home, but without realizing he had passed the Italian restaurant he took Aaliyah for their one-year anniversary. At first, Damien gazed at it with unfamiliarity; as if over time he tried forgetting that memory. But how could he? It was a special night for both of them. Damien took a moment to remember. His mind raced back two years ago when he barely had enough money for his school books. He was dressed casually in a white button-up with grey slacks and black shoes he wore for graduation. Aaliyah wore a silk-made gown, black as the two-inch heels that complimented her legs. Her hair was cut short; a style Damien always found sexy on her.

They took a booth somewhere in the middle of the restaurant as if they were the center of attention that night. The mood was set perfectly. The place wasn’t too crowded nor was it empty. Everyone was having a good time, including themselves. They talked and laughed about stupid things that didn’t mean anything. She ordered a seasoned fettuccine with alfredo sauce while he ordered a fancy dish that was way ahead of his budget. But he didn’t care. What mattered was them spending time together and she appreciated that. All the low expenses Damien had didn’t matter to her. How he drove a decade-old car with a cracked windshield, worked a minimum wage job sweeping and cashing out prizes at the arcade, and the fact he still lived with his parents in a not-so-decent neighborhood. None of that mattered because she knew she loved him.

It was then while they were full and tired and ready to go was when Damien wanted to make the move. He told her he was going to the restroom when instead he made his way out of the restaurant to his car. He made sure to hide her gift in the glove compartment for the right time. When Damien returned, he said a few words that meant everything to her at the time; her unconditional patience and trust in him, how much she sacrificed to make him happy, and that even with all their fights and miscommunications, she still meant the world to him. And it was then he presented her with a ring that said a thousand words. Damien remembered struggling to find the right size and not knowing anything about jewelry. How she forgot to wear the ring he gave her for Christmas and instead ended up with a better one at the end of the night. She held back tears but it was hard for her not to cry. Damien made sure to hold himself together as well since he wasn’t much of a sentimental guy, but only when it mattered. They left the restaurant shortly after—his arm over her shoulder and her arms wrapped around him on their way back to his car. 

A horn blared and startled Damien back into reality. The light was green for who knew how long, as his careless self had drifted into a memory that haunted him even now. He passed the restaurant without taking another glance, but a part of him wished he did.

There was nothing for him to do when he got home. Damien spent a lot of time by himself sitting and doing absolutely nothing. He tried not to think about Aaliyah, and for a while, it worked. He kept himself busy during the first month they weren’t together. He made sure to spend as much time with his friends as possible and kept himself busy whenever he wasn’t with them. It worked, or so he thought at the time. The feeling of loneliness kicked in when his friends didn’t have time to hang out anymore. They were always working on his days off, or vice versa. Their schedules never aligned after that, and since then, being on his own got to him. Damien didn’t have that many people he could talk to, and even so, he didn’t want to bother them with his problems.

Later on that night before bed, Damien made sure to set his alarm for his next morning shift. After what his manager told him, he didn’t want to let him down, including himself. But then it hit him; the inescapable thoughts. He sat there motionless and completely distant from the world. It was when the thoughts began to haunt him. The timeless memories he and Aaliyah shared; the uncomfortable scenarios about her making love with someone else. It bothered him. Damien tossed and turned, trying to alleviate his mind from those thoughts, but it was impossible. It was as if the universe wanted him to suffer and endure the pain. But he couldn’t. 

He threw himself out of bed and went to the kitchen. The phone laid on its dial pad enticingly. He reached for it with eagerness but stopped. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. At first, Damien wanted to tell her everything about how he was feeling. He muttered carelessly as he scripted his words to himself. 

“Why would I say that?” he thought. 

He erased that dialogue from his mind. He tried again. 

“I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now,” he began, “but I just wanted to let you know that I still care and I always did. I should have shown you more attention when you needed me the most. I know with school and trying to find a job it was hard for you. I didn’t see that and I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry and I want the best for you.” 

Damien shook his head desperately. He tried again. 

“I don’t mean to bother you,” he said. “I know you’re probably busy with other things. Just wanted to talk and see how you were doing and if everything is okay. You probably won’t believe me when I say this but I miss you—no, fuck!”

Damien paced around his apartment and held the phone as tight as he could. He gave it another try, this time with honesty. 

“Even though we broke up three months ago, it feels like you’ve been gone forever,” he said. “I miss you so much and it hurts because there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel alone when you’re not here. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about you. If you’re safe or if your life is better off without me. I tried not to think about it but I couldn’t. You don’t know how much this hurts me, Aaliyah. How much I need you. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused before. I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry for everything. Please, Aaliyah. I want you to forgive me. I want us to be together again. I love you.” 

And there it was, everything he wanted to tell her, waiting to be said with just one phone call. Damien grew weary the longer he held the phone. He stared helplessly at the dial pads, purposely trying to forget her number. He thought and reflected on everything he wanted to say, what he wanted to put into words, and how it would be completely irrelevant to her, and how she would respond with a simple but hurtful “I don’t care.” It hit him, and it was as if his conscience was telling him not to risk it. He eased his grip on the phone and clanged it back into the receiver. 

Damien went back to his bed and laid on his back. He closed his eyes and drifted into a dark sleep. His dreams quickly turned into nightmares after the breakup. Lucid dreams of him randomly meeting her again, as if they were meant to, but of course, under different circumstances. These encounters were never pleasant, but to him, they strangely were. Damien knew it was difficult for him to see her in reality, but these nightmares gave him some clarity, as well as hatred.

He was a stranger to her in some way. Although she knew who he was, and what they’ve been through, she always tried to ignore it, as if it never happened. These nightmares detailed Damien’s struggle to let go of the past. It explained to him that, although aware that Aaliyah didn’t put as much effort into the relationship as he did, he still wished deep down that she needed him just as much as he needed her.