Giuseppe’s Big Debut
Mary glared down into her newborn’s crib with her brow furled. For Mary has found herself in quite the conundrum. Her darling baby Giuseppe hasn’t made a noise since he was laid to bed last night. Which was very unusual indeed. If baby Giuseppe was anything, it wasn’t a sound sleeper.
Mary turned her once precious darling onto his back and felt how truly cruel god was. Her child felt like he had been left in the freezer too long. This was just like baby Giuseppe, to find the perfect way to screw over his exhausted mother in the worst of times. As today was Mary’s big dinner party which she hosts on occasion.
Mary’s plan to rub her beautiful darling baby boy in the face of all who knew her had completely, and utterly backfired. Now she’s going to be the laughing stock of the century when everyone arrives to discover she’s a worse mother than a harp seal. But Mary wasn’t about to give up yet. If she had learned anything from her own negligent mother, it’s that you can at least hide your shame through makeup and sunglasses.
She had little time to act, but she had just the plan in mind. Mary rummaged through her purse for anything of use. Some make up, twine, an mp3 player, and a stylin’ pair of shades… perfect. With astonishing dexterity, Mary made her baby look like a forty year old trying to make a living on a dimly lit street corner. With a slap of shades to cover some glassy eyes, and an mp3 player loaded with ten-hours of stock baby noises, little Giuseppe was ready to meet the neighborhood.
The party was only a couple hours away, and Mary was hard pressed for time. The little debacle from this morning had thrown her way off schedule. This had given the decorations a certain desperate quality. With the final touches, and a table stocked full of horderves. Mary had managed to make her drab two-story house presentable. With only minutes before the first guest’s arrival. Mary held her failure as a mother tight to her chest, praying to the only thing to have abandoned her faster than her own father.
The doorbell rang and Mary already knew who it was. The same cretin who always arrived first to Mary’s parties, the skeleton of a man Mr. Tanner. Who was only there so diligently early because he had no intention other than eating all of the horderves he could, before the other guests arrived to take part in his banquet.
Mary put on a pleasant ruse. “Mr. Tanner! Early as always!” Mr. Tanner wormed by Mary giving her a look more life less than baby Gisueppe.
“Oh you know the old saying ‘Early bird gets the worm!’ ” Mary chuckled not at his quirky response, but at his utter lack of an attempt to even hide his motives. Before another word could even be spoken Mr. Tanner had already Guzzled down half the deviled eggs.
Mary couldn’t tell if she felt disgusted, astonished, or pissed. Those deviled eggs were a royal pain in her ass. Though she didn’t have time to waste on the all-consuming void that is Mr. Tanner. As the next guest had arrived.
Of all the people who frequent Mary’s events the Kelley’s were the ones she felt the most disdain for. Not only because their Marriage was marginally more happy than Mary’s, but because they knew it. That fact kept Mary up at night, that fact was why baby Giuseppe was even conceived. For the slightest chance in hell that it brought her the tiniest bit closer than the Kelley’s to her husband. That was all Mary asked for, and even that was too much.
Mary had considered shutting the door on the couple before she had to share with them, not only her air, but also her living space. It was almost too much to bare, though even that pales in comparison to having to merely pretend to enjoy the company of the wretched pair.
“Oh! Mr, and Mrs. Kelley… how wonderful of you to show up” Mary said with spite buried deep in a pleasant tone. As if to mock Mary the Kelley’s laughed in disgusting unison.
Frank the husband spoke first. “We wouldn’t miss meeting your little tot for the world!” Mary had preemptively moved out of arm's reach lest they attempt to touch her darling Giusseppe. The Wife, named Arlene clung to her husband’s arm sporting a pair of shades similar to Giuseppe’s. Mary felt disgusted that she’d even own something that resembled a possession of the Kelley’s.
“Please, come in!” Mary gestured one handed to the rest of her house feeling as if she had betrayed herself.
Arlene made her way directly to the wine cooler she had sensed from the very second the door had opened. Frank took one Glance at Mr. Tanner and made way to the farthest seat he could find from impoverished beast.
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The rest of the crowd slowly trickled in one by one, like parasites feeding off of Mary’s generosity. To be fair only three more bothered to make an appearance, which was two more than usual. The one Mary did recognise was leagues better than the Kelleys but slightly worse than Mr. Tanner. It was the cuck Mr. Donovan, as evidenced by the gradient stroller of ethnicity left in his care. He didn’t even say a word to Mary as he entered. This of course was rude, but Mary could care less right now as long as her secret is kept just that.
When the final guests made their entrance Mary felt a twinge of absolute terror. The two men were standing too close together on her welcome mat. An act that struck Mary as ungodly.
Nonetheless Mary let the sinners into her home. “How nice to meet you boys!” Mary’s jaw clenched when she had to finish her greeting “Please come in.”
The two walked past Mary and the one to the right spoke for both of them “Such a warm welcome! I think we’re going to like it here”
Mary felt disappointed in herself. Having failed to activate Giuseppe’s mp3 player she made the excuse of a diaper change and shoved off to the bathroom leaving her guests to mingle.
Mr. Tanner had yet to relent his assault on the snack table leaving little more than half a bag of chips and some decorative cannoli. In an attempt at decency the new neighbors had tried to introduce themselves as Connor and Marc, a gesture left widely ignored by all parties. Even pathetic Mr. Donovan barely acknowledged the boys in favor of tending to the bastard children of his wife. This didn’t discourage the pair as they continued to make numerous attempts at small talk, all failing for a variety of reasons. Mary took one step out of the bathroom and could tell her party was already dying. Hopefully her now noisy Giuseppe would help liven things up.
The sympathetic Donovan let out a hearty chuckle at hearing Giuseppe’s Crying_baby_3.wav “I’ve heard that one before!” Mary’s glare couldn't have been more hostile toward the wittol.
Mrs. Kelley returned from the kitchen with wine stained teeth “Haven’t we all?” everyone laughed at this and Mary prayed this meant they fell for her facade.
She took a seat next to the most bearable person in the room, Mr. Tanner who had finished off the aforementioned cannoli leaving nothing more than crumbs in his wake.
Marc who hadn’t given up on making human contact chimed in from the love seat he shared with Connor. “Those cannoli must’ve been somethin’ huh?” Mr. Tanner glanced up at the androgonous man.
“Mary here’s quite the cook.” Said Mr. Tanner as he gave Mary an almost intolerable sensual pat on the back.
Mary slapped Mr.Tanner on the shoulder. She cooed “Oh you disgusting pig!” and realised why she stopped inviting Mr.Tanner to her parties. The skeletal predator gave Marc and Connor what they wanted in the form of brain melting, dull small talk, but that wasn’t the worst of it. Mary Smelled the tell tale signs of Mrs. Keller through the thickening aroma of cheap perfume and even cheaper wine. Giggling_Todler_2.wav played and Mrs. kelley gave Giuseppe a compromising lookdown.
“What adorable little glasses” Said Mrs. Kelley softly.
“He’s my precious little angel.” Mary replied
Mrs. Kelley leaned down over little Giuseppe with greedy arms waiting. “May I hold him?”
Mary wasn’t even given a chance to strike down Mrs.Kelley with a satisfying refusal, before the timer went off and Mary had to retrieve what could loosely be called a “Green bean Casserole” from the oven. Mrs Kelley snatched Giuseppe away into her grimy arms as Mary made way to the kitchen.
She was Greeted with a puff of black smoke when the oven door swung ajar. To most this would seem an utter failure but to Mary this was the perfect way to disappoint her guests into an early departure. She wasted no time crying to all her guests that she had ruined everything. Mary expecting pity compliments from at least Mrs Kelley was instead met with Mr. Tanner immediately vacating the premises lacking any further reason to stay. As for everyone else they were too busy huddling around Mrs Kelley and giuseppe with Baby’s_first_words_10.mp3. That bitch using Mary’s own offspring as a tool for her attention.
That was fine Mary had decided now was time for the last part of her scheme to disguise her baby’s demise. Mary made her way upstairs above the foyer that held her guests. After years of ventriloquist school Mary felt like her entire life was leading up to this moment. She grasped the Crossbars in her hands with delicate finesse and brought the baby Giuseppe to life with stunning realism. Mr. Donovan really thought he was playing peek-a-boo with a little baby boy. And Stock_baby_laugh_5.wav really added to the performance. All was well until God remembered Mary wasn’t supposed to be happy. Disaster struck, adorable baby noises were cut and in their place rang Jump in the Line (Shake Senora). The guests' faces all twisted in surprise at the baby’s sudden outburst in music.
Mary came to the decision that if she was doomed alongside her party, that she’s going out in style. Baby Giuseppe sprang to his feet and performed in perfect rhythm. Mary’s own mother may have disapproved in Mary’s life decisions, but her mother was wrong about one thing. Mary wasn’t a complete failure as she graduated top of her class and baby Giuseppe’s footwork was evidence of that. No one made a sound not even the siren Mrs. Kelley herself could say a word to such an awe inspiring performance. The song was coming to a close and Baby Giuseppe’s performance to an end when Mary had ended up proving her mother right. Mary made a jerk too sudden and the string holding baby Gisuseppe had snapped, sending the cadaver careening to the floor not before denting a particularly soft spot of his head against the corner of the table. Even in death baby Giuseppe lived to spite his mother.
The guests’ silence spoke volumes of the situation. Baby Giuseppe is dead, and Mary can’t find out.