It was one in the morning and I was on the verge of falling asleep when I felt a strong itch in my butthole. My mind raced to find a proper response to this tricky situation. Now normally scratching an itch was as natural as blowing my nose but this was different. If I plunged my fingers into the depths my pants they would become sullied and furthermore, there was a good chance that feces crumbs would collect under my nails as I scratched. This meant I would need to need to make a journey to the restroom down the hall, which I really didn’t want to do. I was already very comfortable in my bed and on the verge of falling asleep, something that usually took a while because I spent too much time on the computer playing Guild Wars 2.

I worked out alternative in my mind as the itching became more difficult to bear with every second that passed. Rubbing my butthole through my pants would leave a smear on my underpants and clenching it didn’t help to relieve the itch one bit. For five minutes I tossed and turned, trying to ignore or relieve the itch but nothing was improving my situation. I was growing desperate and I felt like crying. Perhaps it was divine punishment for that time I had pirated Halo CE in the 8th grade.

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That is when I had an idea.

I was one of those few people I knew at school who liked to wear socks in bed. I took off my left sock, slipped it on like a glove and crammed it down my pants, assaulting the itch that had been ravaging my butthole for the past eight minutes. The relief was spectacular and my eyes rolled up involuntarily from the sheer pleasure and gratitude I felt for my sock.

When the deed had been done I tossed the sock into my laundry basket across the room. Score.

I dreamed about acorn shaped ducks that night.