Two more months passed in the Rong house, largely without incident. My impersonation of Rong Xiugang continued to go surprisingly well.

Sisi handled all of the small matters and smoothed things over for me as needed, taking payment in the form of humiliating me in private. Aside from having me lick a meal off the floorboards now and again, she also dressed me in woman's clothes and makeup, made me dance. I felt that this wasn't a big deal - I didn't get sick from it, and nobody else knew - but it was rough soothing Xiao Qiang afterwards. He took this degradation very personally.

I did end up having to deal with some letters on my own. Rong Xiumei came through on her promise and began to send me learning materials; after talking with Sisi, I decided that she wouldn't know her brother’s handwriting and spent a few days messing up pages before I could work a brush well enough to answer her back. Her letters were fast, concise, and yet very helpful to my studies. Talisman-writing also required finer control, and I began to dedicate time daily to learning the brush.

I was especially glad that I'd practiced a little after I received another letter, this time from Nie Yilian. Xiao Qiang and I both were anxious, but she didn't say too much, just inquired about how I was getting along. Though I felt that she'd be better off staying away from the Rong family, I felt like I had to reply. I didn't know if I might run into her while at the market sometime, and I didn't want to make things more awkward. For the same reason, I didn't want to have Sisi write to Nie Yilian, so I wrote back with my own hand. It was all generic content, but there was something a bit nice about having a penpal.

Though I'd expected some homesickness to hit me at some point, maybe some feeling of culture shock? The closest I came was missing toothpaste. No, my biggest struggle living in a cultivation novel was dealing with Xiao Qiang.

Initially he was pretty understanding of our situation. I guess I was clumsy enough to be sincere, given that he'd even believed me about the novel I read. He seemed to interpret ‘coming from another world’ a little strangely, but he didn't question me too much. He had even seemed to trust me for a while.

However, being stuck in his head with only me to talk to wasn't good for him. There was a day when he suddenly blew up on me, accusing me of trying to steal the Rong family from him, and then in the next breath ordered me to kill them for him. Most of what he said made no sense, so I tuned it out, waited, and then tried to talk to him about it later when he'd calmed down. But by then he wanted to pretend it had never happened.

From then on, though, I occasionally heard in his mumbling thoughts his doubts and suspicion towards me. I commented on it for a while, then tried to ignore it instead. When it still didn't stop, I looked for compromises. Since he was embarrassed by what Sisi asked of me, I kept my eyes closed so he wouldn't have to see. She didn't like this - bullying Xiao Qiang was her real goal after all - but she allowed it.

When that didn't calm him much, I thought some more and decided that if he wanted me to act against the people who hurt him, I could at least mess with Yu Qianqian.

It was really a lucky thing that she was committed to being a simpering stepmother, or else she might have killed me. Spilling something on her at every meal, repeating loudly any gossip she dared to tell me, embarrassing her by being overly defensive of her when outsiders were around… harmless things like that made Xiao Qiang a little happy for a while.

Nothing seemed to work for long, though, and it was hard on me, who could feel Xiao Qiang's emotions wearing away at this body. I could only try harder to increase my strength so that we could part sooner.

On a certain day, I approached Instructor Yao about the methods for opening my meridians; I was met with alarm. “There's no need to rush! Really, you've come a long way, and these last few months you've really surprised me! But it's still too early for that step…”

Rong Xiujian entered the qi refining stage around this time, why didn't you say that it's too early for him! Xiao Qiang snarled, making it difficult fo me to show a gentle and crestfallen expression. “I understand. Thank you, Instructor.”

You f**king coward, can't even argue with that greasy piece of s**t…

I sighed, once, twice, three times as he continued to curse. Instructor Yao thought I was sighing because of him, and he seemed a little torn up about it. He treated me to a spar, giving some genuine advice for once. “You really have improved a lot. Maybe next year…” he said feebly as he sent Xiujian and I off.

“A’Jian, you've been working hard lately,” I started to say, and he interrupted me.

“We've been working hard, right, Gege?”

“Right.” His beaming smile helped to boost my energy. “But hey, we haven't gone outside to play in a while. After lunch, let's sneak out.”

How amazing you two are. Closer than any real brothers, my personal peanut gallery mocked. Even though he smiles like that, don't you know what he's really thinking?

I'd figured out how to eat well with my right hand, and had used the excuse of wanting to lose weight to explain why I ate slowly in the meantime. I wasn't slimming up as quickly as I'd hoped; the angrier Xiao Qiang got inside my head, the more I'd eat without realizing it. Stress eating is a dangerous habit, very addictive.

That robe… That's a gift from me. Ungrateful brat. He doesn't deserve to wear something so nice.

Commentary continued as Rong Xiujian and I met back up after changing clothes and warning Sisi to cover for us; we climbed out a dog hole in the western wall to avoid the main gate, both hushing each other and walking carefully. It was a little silly, because even this hole was included in the family array, so any attentive guard could rat us out. This wasn't the first or second time we'd used this, though. As long as we were back by dusk, no one would tell our parents.

We hurried out of the neighborhood, aware that only our household and servants lived around here. Anyone who saw us would pretend they were blind, but it was still fun to dive behind obstacles to hide ourselves. I'd gotten pretty good at jumping, so I also made use of walls and tucked myself into tree branches.

By the time we made it to our favorite market, we were barely able to walk for laughing. I hadn't really meant to come here, but I went ahead and bought Xiujian some candied haws, and he forced me to eat a bit as well.

“Okay, okay,” I said, seeing that several stand owners were greedily eyeing us. Despite my thriftiness, the Rong boys were still well-known for their spending habits. “That's enough of town, let's hit the woods.”

“Ooh! Okay! Actually, Gege, there's a spot I want to show you!”

His spot was on the far side of town, near the river. We had to hike for an hour or so, but I could hear the waterfall before I could see it. Xiao Qiang's little voice was drowned out by it, and that made this rather relaxing.

“SORRY IT'S SO LOUD! IT WASN'T THIS BAD LAST WEEK!” The waterfall was pouring over a wide area that drained toward the river, drowning grasses and climbing up some of the trees. Fortunately Xiujian's path led up to a rocky outcrop that was still above the water level.

“IT’S THE SNOW MELT!” I called back my best guess. We sat on a rock that overlooked the stream at the base of the waterfall, admiring it and yelling anything we had to say. After a while, I decided to go ahead and ask him; “A’JIAN, HAS INSTRUCTOR GONE OVER ENTERING QI REFINING STAGE WITH YOU?”

He had me repeat myself twice before answering, “A LITTLE BIT!”

“CAN YOU GO OVER IT WITH ME?”

“SURE!” He agreed. Then unexpectedly, he pulled a scroll from his bag and passed it to me.

I'd puzzled out some details about the initial qi gathering breakthrough from conversation; sensing heavenly qi was vital, but not quite enough unless you could bring it through at least one meridian with intention. It was best to train the body and refine your own essence first, but there were some that could skip that step so long as their meridians were healthy.

This scroll of his detailed the meridians; it wasn't a wholly unfamiliar diagram. The more useful thing was the breathing technique described in one corner. I committed it to memory, thankful that it wasn't too complicated.

“GEGE, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS BEFORE?”

“AH… NO! INSTRUCTOR SAYS IT'S TOO EARLY FOR ME!”

“WHAT!” Xiujian got angry on my behalf. I felt a little bit of guilt; he was this good of a kid, but I'd lured him out here and bribed him so that I could get information from him.

“MAYBE HE'S RIGHT! I DON'T UNDERSTAND MUCH JUST LOOKING AT THIS..!”

Xiujian moved to sit pressed against my side so that he could tap on the diagram. “I’LL EXPLAIN IT!” he declared, and he really did his best.

Instructor Yao seemed to have left key details out of this diagram, like what meridian point to focus on first and then in which direction to move, what to do if things went wrong. Entering this first stage was not particularly dangerous, but failed attempts could make cultivation harder and harder in the future.

“DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT QI SHOULD FEEL LIKE?” I asked, because this seemed to be a crucial point. “LIKE - DOES IT SHOCK YOU LIKE LIGHTNING, IS IT COLD, HOT, WET, OILY, OR WHAT?”

“I DON'T KNOW!” Xiujian said, and he looked like he wanted to laugh at the idea of oily qi. “HE SAID JUST ‘MEDITATE, AND YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU FEEL IT’!”

I clicked my teeth. I had tried meditating a few times, but with how Xiao Qiang was lately I couldn't hope to clear my mind. I tried to think about my first life's knowledge of qi. Much of it came from this and other novels; I'd also looked over some classic Daoist texts back in my day, tried out learning some odd things here and there. There was supposed to be a greater concentration of qi in certain kinds of places, especially out in nature. I decided that it might be best to try now, while Xiao Qiang wasn’t a problem.

“HEY! HOW SHOULD I MEDITATE?”

Xiujian got a little excited. “YOU WANT TO TRY HERE?”

“SEEMS LIKE A NICE SPOT!”

“YEAH!”

He and I ended up sitting back to back on the same rock, both trying to sit in lotus position and wanting a bit of extra back support. As instructed, I let my eyelids droop, and began to breathe as the technique recommended; I could feel Xiujian match his breathing to mine.

I knew that the idea was not to think, and so I tried to focus on my body in its entirety. Feeling the presence of every ounce of flesh, becoming aware of the limit of my senses. I allowed that to calm me before focusing on that breathing technique, the key meridians of the microcosm and macrocosm. I tried to feel for the flow of energy throughout my body and direct it consciously. I felt that my knowledge of the circulatory system got in the way, though? I kept feeling that the heart should be the natural source of internal energy, and then reminding myself that it could be a little dangerous to think like that. I needed to think of my lower abdomen, of the lower dantian(1). Eventually it got easier; heat at least seemed to radiate from the lower part and not the heart.

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Back pain flared up as we sat for too long, and then faded just as quickly. I began to sweat. I wondered how Xiujian could keep holding still, then I tried to let that idle thought go. Eventually, there was some kind of something, and it startled me. I couldn't hold on to the feeling, regretfully felt it fade.

Xiujian moved against my back, and suddenly we both toppled over. “GEGE!”

“YEAH?” I hollered back, groaning and massaging my waist while I continued to lie on my side on the cold, hard rock. My legs, numb and buzzing, wouldn't even curl properly.

“DID YOU FEEL IT?!” He asked me. Oh, so it wasn't just me. Is that why he finally moved?

“MAYBE!” I said, no longer as confident now that I knew he’d also felt something. I couldn't remember what kind of sensation it was, hadn't grasped it for long enough to make any kind of analysis, so I definitely didn’t know if it was qi. “HEY, WHEN DID IT GET THIS LATE?”

After pointing out the golden clouds in the sky, I pushed myself onto my feet and staggered a little. We did some quick stretches to get our stiff bodies moving, and hurried out of the woods as the sky darkened.

I started to talk as we left the waterfall behind. “The primordial qi should be at its strongest during the hour of the rabbit,” I said, vaguely recalling something I'd read before. “I wonder, if we went out to the waterfall early in the morning…”

“Yeah! Let's do it tomorrow!” Xiujian cheered, and then threw his arms around me. I didn't expect him to be quite this enthusiastic, and we nearly fell off the path.

So you're really making use of him. I see, not bad. Xiao Qiang snorted. He must enjoy this brotherly schtick so much! The brat is just like his mother.

“C’mon,” I urged Xiujian, looking at the sky again. “We've definitely missed dinner… I told A’Sisi to make up a cover story for us, but we still need to hurry.”

“Okay!”

But, you know, you could have tried a bit harder to ask ME for advice. Or did you forget that I still managed to reach the fourth star of qi refining despite my sh***y talent?

I knew, of course, that Xiao Qiang could be a valuable resource. It's just that at this point it was difficult to trust any of his advice.

As Xiujian and I slipped back into the property, I expected to be bothered by guards right away. They should know our exit point from the array, and we hadn't made it back by sundown; yet the garden was empty. We made it back to our living quarters easily, checked in with an unconcerned Sisi, and then I settled in for a bath. I intended to go to sleep early and rise early, eager to make some progress using the waterfall.

What I hadn't expected was for Yu Qianqian to visit me personally as I was braiding my hair for bed. I didn't suspect much when I heard the knock; but when I opened the door, I found Yu Qianqian standing alone in her house clothes, her expression somewhere between concerned and hurt.

Right. Rong Yutang was out of the house again, so the guards would have reported us to her directly. Rather than sending people for us, she had waited until I was vulnerable to strike.

Pretending not to know that she knew, I said, “Mother, good evening… what's wrong?” I added with a bit of panic. She was tearing up, and I had never been good with crying people.

“Xiugang… Do you hate this old woman?”

This f***king two-faced b***, Xiao Qiang growled out, and I kind of agreed with him. “Mother?” I said again, trying to look baffled instead of annoyed. “Of course not! What are you saying? Did I… Is this because we snuck out?” I quickly confessed, suddenly thinking that it would be better to take the lead in this conversation.

“Xiugang…” she said again, twisting her sleeve. “I was worried, but -”

“I'm sorry! We just felt a little cooped up!” I interrupted her. However, she didn't allow me to shift the conversation.

“Lately, there have been a lot of small things that I've noticed,” Yu Qianqian said, and I really didn't like the sound of that. “I thought they were just coincidences at first… but in the last month, you've really changed a lot.”

I felt a chill run down my spine, and kept quiet. My face was locked in a mask of gentle concern not too different from hers.

“The gifts I send you, you store them, not eating. I've always tried to cater to your tastes, so at first I thought, well, maybe I just don't know what you like anymore. But it hasn't just been that…” she paused briefly, looking upward while blinking lightly to keep her tears from falling. In a smaller tone said, “like when you brought up things I'd said privately, in front of Official Li – I don't know if you did so intentionally, but Xiugang, if you thought it was wrong of me, couldn't you have said so earlier, instead of embarrassing Official Li and I both? Xiugang - you don't trust me enough to be honest with me? You feel like you have to sneak around?”

I had to hold back a sigh of relief. Okay, so things weren’t as bad as I’d thought. Yu Qianqian didn't suspect that Rong Xiugang was possessed - she probably thought someone had poisoned him against her or something.

Well, I knew she would have to confront me about the changes I'd made eventually. This was the year when Yu Qianqian really began to scheme against Rong Xiugang, but I had hoped that she'd be put off for a while longer after how Rong Yutang’s birthday went. Her rumor-mongering with the Zhang family hadn't come to anything much - and using the White Tiger-faced Azalea had failed. That was more important, as that azalea could have easily become a weapon against her. Yu Qianqian dedicated many years to convincing her husband that she loved Xiugang and bore no ill will toward his mother, but if Rong Yutang were to learn that she had lain hands on one of his final mementos of Lan Yue…

Still, it was precisely because she had dared to take such a risk that I knew she wouldn't just give up because things had gotten hard. At least she still saw value in crying at me privately.

“And it’s not just that. Nearly every meal now, you seem to spill something, always towards me…” Well, that I was guilty of, but I definitely couldn't admit it. “It's not that I can't dodge, but I just thought, if you're angry with me – that it was better to let you vent your anger a little. But I thought you would talk with me eventually about what I've done to upset you. It feels like so long ago, but it's only been a few months since you would come running to me for advice, and back then, if you went out, you always brought me back something sweet. I've always been so happy to spend that time with you. Now I rarely can see you even for meals.”

Augh. I felt some new annoyance toward Xiao Qiang - why didn't he tell me this kind of important habit?? But I knew without asking why. It would've been overwhelming for him if he'd had to relive those kind of falsely sweet moments.

“Mother,” I said, and hesitantly took her hands. After a second, I squeezed them. I couldn't think of a good excuse, so I just said, “I don't hate you! I'm not mad at you either!”

“Did someone say something..?” Her voice trembled. “I know that there were many rumors about Meimei and I…”

By Meimei, she naturally meant Lan Yue, referring to her as a little sister because of the sort of sisterhood they shared as wives of the Rong household. Xiao Qiang didn't like this way of addressing his mother, trying to control our hands. I resisted him, knowing that Yu Qianqian only brought Lan Yue up to test whether I knew about the whole azalea thing. I couldn't give a sign of anger.

“No!” I was firm, gently squeezing her hands in reassurance.

“Then, little Gang, why have you changed so suddenly? Going on about losing weight, hating sweets, avoiding me, and now even making trouble by sneaking out with little Jian? Your brother is only nine-”

“Mother, Gege? What's going on?” Xiujian’s voice took Yu Qianqian and I both by surprise; he had come to stand within five meters of us. “I thought I heard yelling…”he hesitantly explained as we both stared at him.

My eyes slid past him, toward the creaky board he should've crossed if he'd really hurried here from his room. I suspected that he'd actually been listening for a while. Then looking at Yu Qianqian’s eyes, I guessed she'd had the same thought.

What good timing he has. I was a little excited to see how far she'd dare to go to make us into a stupid pig again.

Sensing presences was not one of her talents; Yu Qianqian’s cultivation had peaked in the third star of qi refining. Caught off-guard, she just tried to dismiss him. “Little Jian, it's nothing to worry about. You can -”

“Sneaking out was my idea!” the boy then blurted out. “I really wanted to show Gege something! Please don't blame Gege!”

Her face hardened a little, so I took a step towards him. “You don't have to lie,” I scolded him. “I'm the one who wanted to go out to play today.” Making a discreet gesture as if to shoo him back to his room, I said, “Xiujian always asks someone to escort us when it's his idea. I’m the one that doesn't see the point. Who's going to dare to touch a hair on one of Rong Yutang's sons?”

Oh, so now you want to argue with her on your own? I thought you'd be happy for the interference. Xiao Qiang seemed to misunderstand. I wasn't being genuine when I shooed Xiujian away; he's a stubborn boy and in this kind of situation, he naturally wasn't obedient. He only took a little step back.

Yu Qianqian’s face was frozen. I imagine she was quite unhappy to see the two of us defending each other, siding with each other. Bringing up her husband's name probably also had an effect. I saw her shoulders relax as she made up her mind, probably to pull back, tearily apologize and try to corner me again later.

Thanks to Xiujian, I'd figured out what I wanted to say, and so I sighed and said it quickly. “Mother, I'm really trying to change myself and work hard. I thought you'd be proud of me, not say all of this stuff out of nowhere. I mean, I know I shouldn't have snuck out, I should be a better big brother, but -”

“No, no,” she started to say, but Xiujian also cut in, coming to shove me a little.“You two,” Yu Qianqian mumbled helplessly.

“You guys, I'm going to be a real cultivator soon! I'm not a child any more!” Xiujian complained, and I wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah. You're still this short, but you'll enter Qi refining soon?” I teased him.

Yu Qianqian would have already heard from Instructor Yao about Xiujian's progress; she'd probably hoped that having someone three years younger break through first would devastate Xiugang mentally and divide the two brothers.

“It's not good to be too confident,” Yu Qianqian said stiffly. Right, she liked to put on a show of defending Xiugang from having to remember that his brother was destined to be stronger than him.

“Mother… A’Jian heard us anyway, so I'll admit it now. I was avoiding you a bit.” I knew this would be too on-the-nose, but I found myself saying it anyway. “I know you two are always trying to help me, comforting me, regarding my spiritual roots.” In the back of my mind Xiao Qiang gave an angry laugh. “But recently I’ve started to feel like all your coddling is holding me back. Every gift makes me think about my lack of natural talent, every meal reminds me that I'm not contributing anything to this family -”

Appalled, she shouted, “Xiugang!”

“Please let me finish,” I begged her, and the pleading note in my voice seemed to surprise her. Xiujian had frozen up for a bit, but he suddenly buried his face in my side, giving a silent hug. “I really want to be useful to Father. Even if I won't be the best cultivator, even if I'll always be the worst in this family -!”

“No one -!”

“- I WANT TO BE THE BEST I CAN!” I spoke over her with volume and passion. “I don't want to settle for being a halfhearted waste!”

I didn't look at Yu Qianqian, knowing that her expression was probably changing rapidly. It would be too annoying to pretend I couldn't see through her. Xiao Qiang was laughing again, making my shoulders tremble, and I felt that this benefitted my performance. “I should've talked to you, but I know you were doing what you thought was best for me. I won't avoid you anymore, Mother. Please forgive me!”

Yu Qianqian couldn't say much to all this. I'd thoroughly taken the lead, and now she had to back off and reevaluate the situation. She threw her arms around me, hugged Xiujian and I both tightly. “Xiugang, I'm sorry, I misunderstood you,” she cried. “I never wanted to hold you back, how could you think that..!”

“It's okay, it's okay,” I soothed her. Probably not the exact reaction she wanted, but I was also tired and wanted this to be over already. “A’Jian, I can't breathe, can you - thanks,”

After a little more hugging, we each straightened ourselves out. “I'm sorry,” Yu Qianqian said again, though I felt that she wanted to say something else entirely.

“It's fine. Do you want me to walk you to your room?” Please say no, please say no…

She squeezed my arm. “I'll be alright. I hope you sleep well.”

“Sleep well,” Xiujian echoed. I couldn't read his expression, but he sounded a little tearful still. Probably tired and drained from this nonsense. Me too.

Massaging my face, I mumbled to Xiao Qiang for a bit; he was in better spirits than he had been for a while, glad to see Yu Qianqian at a loss. But he also he said, I wonder if I’ll see her real tears for the first time when I strangle her to death, and that made it hard for me to be happy for him.

“Anyway, if we can have a breakthrough soon, it’ll be hard for her to do anything…”

I hope you don’t think that will be enough to stop her.

… Who was he to tell me what I could or couldn’t hope for? I held back a sigh that he noticed anyway, and then began singing in my head to drown him out so that I could sleep. 49 bottles of beer on the wall, 49 bottles of beer, take one and pass it down, 48 bottles of beer on the wall…

___________________

(1) Dantian, meaning “cinnabar field”, is usually used in cultivation novels and other daoist sources to refer to an area a little lower than the belly button. Technically there are three dantian: one behind the brow, one beside the heart, and then the more famous one in the abdomen. This lower dantian is usually where cultivators will store qi and where the golden core will form.