“I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about.”- Oscar Wilde

Malcolm’s eyes opened and he rose to a sitting position. The itch on his left triceps burned with renowned vigor and he resisted scratching. Instead, he rubbed his nearly buzzed head as the light from the blinds illuminated the dorm. He lay under a bunk and the opposite sat to his right. Bernard shared the bed above him with Bishop and Raynes across the room. The window blinds were always left open so the light could warn them how much time they had left to sleep before the day officially broke. They were psychologically tuned to rise when the first light appeared instead of relying on an alarm clock.

Today, it seemed as if everyone’s internal clock had been switched off. Malcolm twiddled his fingers as awkwardly as a kid who is the first waking at a sleep-over. He checked the clock behind him, the time was nine-seventeen. And they had all day, it was their final day of Camp Benning.

Malcolm thought about closing his eyes but knew he was too wide awake by now to sleep in. After all, this was several hours more sleep than he usually gets, even when he’s at home with Meryl. Malcolm rose and crossed to his desk, where his iPod had been left on its charger. He was deciding whether he would pass the time over an album or series of singles; he would simply pick up from where the playlist last stopped:

“…Ignorance is your new best friend!

Ignorance is your new best friend!”

By the time the others started to rouse, the time was almost eleven. Bernard’s bare feet swung by the side of Malcolm’s head, and he plopped to the ground; burly in his form, a natural thickness of muscles tricked one into thinking that he was fat. The arms and one pectoral was shaded in tattoos of flame and flowers.

Bishop crawled out of his bed, groaning. “Did we miss breakfast?”

“By now? We will.” Bernard responded.

“Shit!” Raynes uttered without even raising his head as he lay on the top bunk. “Someone skip their shower and bring us leftovers.”

“And get the shaft with a cold one?” Bernard gaffed.

“Well, you’ll get the food when it’s hot, so it works out.”

Bernard looked at Malcolm. “You hear this wetback?”

Malcolm had not heard because he had been trying to ignore Raynes since summer started. He took his headphones out. “No, what?”

“Jesus Spacer! Are you naked under there?” Bernard was looking at the pair of boxers that sat next to Malcolm’s bare leg resting on the floor.

Malcolm made eye contact. “It’s only weird if you draw attention to it.”

“Dog! You’ve got roommates!”

Malcolm shrugged. “And my last roommates glued pubes to my face. Consider yourself glad.”

“Fuck man. Whatever...” Bernard stormed over to the bathroom.

“Heyheyhey! What are you doing?” Raynes finally lifted his head.

“I-I-I have dibs on the shower!” Bernard mocked Raynes and shut the door.

“You took the first shower yesterday!” Bishop said aggravatedly.

“We’re not on a turn system!” Bernard shouted through the door. “I got up first!”

“By that right I get it first!” Bishop lied. “See me standing before any of you?”

Malcolm chimed in. “...I’ve been up since nine...”

“Shut up. We’re not counting you.”

“I was gonna wait on the rest of you anyway.”

Raynes restated his request. “Would you, Jackie, go get the food before breakfast is over?”

“Why do I have to?” Bishop asked.

“Because I don’t want to see Dog penis.” Raynes waved.

“Head down and face the ceiling.” Malcolm grinned, “You won’t see a thing.”

“You know Bernard’s right. We’ve talked to you about this shit before.” Bishop stated.

“Since when?”

Bishop winced. “Uh. After the last time you did this…”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Probably yesterday. Is your memory selective?”

Malcolm hesitated. “It’s not and you’re lying.”

“No, he’s right.” Raynes looked at Malcolm, “You complained about it being hot.”

“Dude, I must’ve still been half asleep.”

“Well, we’re still right though.” Said Raynes.

“By the way, you put that on the charger last night!” Bishop pointed to the iPod. “Which means your naked ass was stood up and walking around!”

Malcolm stared. “I made sure everyone was still sleeping.”

“What about Bernard?” Bishop pointed out. “You can’t even see him.”

“He snores.” Malcolm uttered.

“That’s true.”

“Ya know, speaking of which…” Bishop crossed over to the bathroom and started knocking. “Hey! Why are you not in there yet?”

“I’m taking a shit!” Bernard shouted.

“Don’t wipe it, wash it!” Bishop banged on the door once more.

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Hey Bishop, since your next to the door, could you go get breakfast?” Raynes persisted.

“In my boxers?” Bishop’s eyes bulged.

“At this rate well miss it if you don’t!”

“Why do I have to be the one who skips my shower?”

“Cause you’ve already done half the work by crossing the room.” Raynes answered.

“And you’d be good comrade for it.” Interjected Malcolm.

“Shut the fuck up, Nelson!” Bishop shouted.

“Yea, you get cold water!” Raynes asserted.

Malcolm gaffed. “Mother of Fuck, I take ice baths! You think your punishing me?”

“I think that ‘thing’ on your left hand will always remain a mystery to me.” Raynes pointed to Malcolm’s ring.

“Well since we’re disclosing our feelings…” Bishop redirected to Raynes, “Nelson might walk just two feet away to piss during drills but at least he’s a Hall of Fame Inductee. You on the other hand-“

“Am in the Hall of Fame too.” Raynes boasted.

Malcolm raised a finger to interrupt. “Not until tonight.”

“Shut the fuck up Nelson!” Raynes said.

“You on the other hand….” Bishop continued. “Skipped the low ranks with your fancy four-year degree. Not to mention you act like a drill instructor when you’re not even the assigned team leader.”

Raynes was offended. “You’re not seriously criticizing me for asserting myself when Sandoval was being incompetent! He’s spoiled by GPS and can’t read a real map to save his ass during live combat!”

“In live combat, you could trigger a mutiny.”

Raynes was unrelenting. “In live combat, he could’ve led us into a goddamn minefield!”

“You know you deserved the reaming.”

“No. I deserve to be Captain!” Raynes, again, asserted himself. “Besides, that guy reminded me of David Schwimmer’s character in ‘Band of Brothers’. Fuck him.”

“Hey, that guy stole the show.” Malcolm defended. “Besides, you literally chose to convey your disagreement by giving countermanding orders. Like, you’re still an initiate!”

Raynes looked at Malcolm. “I technically am and how about you cover your goddamn leg!”

“I dare you to come over here and make me!” Malcolm boasted.

“Alright! Let us wait for Bernard to provide us with a wet towel.” Raynes smiled.

“You think a whip is gonna scare me?” Malcolm laughed. “I’m the only one here who went to Marine Boot Camp, where Sodomy is a ‘prank gone wrong!’ I was doing parkour before parkour was an internet meme! So, if you think that I will not jump up and fuck you up, please be my bitch!” Malcolm finally blinked.

Bishop looked at Raynes, “Please don’t provoke him.”

Raynes guffawed. “We tried talking to him and look where we are!”

Bishop nodded emphatically. “Yea, but like you said, I don’t wanna see Dog penis so if you could not trigger him, yea that would be great.”

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“If it makes you so uncomfortable,” Malcolm queried, “Why don’t you skip your shower and fetch us food?”

“Because I got Abigail coming to the ceremony and I ain’t going all greasy.”

“Negro! We all got family seeing us tonight!” said Bishop.

“Well, I ain’t waiting for the hotel to shower!” Raynes stated. “I’m getting in there with her, then I’m getting in the sack!”

“As the only married man here,” Malcolm chimed, “I should be the only non-virgin in this dorm!”

Heads twisted like owls. “Are you getting biblical on us?” Raynes asked.

“Well, it was designed for breeding purposes.” Malcolm stated. “Apart from negotiating land and alliances...”

Bishop cupped his face. “What the fuck have we told you about that?”

“What? Big words?” Malcolm gave a cocky grin.

“No, ‘Breeding’. It doesn’t sound right.”

Malcolm cocked his head. “What are you, my wife?”

“You’re lucky you’re with us!” Bishop’s eyes bulged. “Another black man would think you mean something bad!”

Malcolm faked a gasp, “Why I would never!”

“Now I’m know you fucking with me but-”

“No homo bromo. Meryl wouldn’t go for three ways.” Malcolm's eyes drifted to the ceiling. “I tried to say it wouldn’t be cheating; We’d be fucking as a unit. She still said ‘No.”

“Dude, what kind of poor wife did YOU get?” Raynes guffawed.

“She’s my tether,” Malcolm placed his hand on his heart for gestures sake, “and she’s just about the only person who gets to censor me so watch it or else my real filter comes off.”

“What filter!?” Raynes seemed shocked.

“Don’t get me started.”

“We don’t want to hear about your sex life!” Raynes continued.

Malcolm sneered. “I was gonna say that if you knew me, you’d want to kill me…”

“I’ll kill you before you have a chance to curse me with that!”

A faucet shut off inside the bathroom and the sound of curtains shifted.

“It’s about time!” Bishop knocked and received no response.

“You idiots realize that we have all afternoon, right?” said Malcolm.

“Pfft. Whatever, I still mean to be there first!” said Raynes.

“But why?” Malcolm asked. “They call us by rank and alphabetical order.”

“Uh… So, I can meet Abigail beforehand.” Raynes shrugged as a matter of fact.

Bishop turned around. “Raynes, do not bring her up here…”

“I haven’t seen her in three months!”

“Raynes, do that in the car.”

“We’re taking a plane back!”

“I don’t care where you do it except for here.” Bishop answered.

Raynes sounded flabbergasted. “No one will see; you’ll be getting ready for the reception!”

“Now you sound like Space Dog!”

“Hey!” Malcolm blurted.

“Well, he does!”

The bathroom door opened and Bernard, wearing a new set of briefs and a white towel over his shoulders walked out. “What the hell? Where’s the food?”

“We were just deciding that.” Said Malcolm.

“No, we weren’t!” said Bishop.

“Well just before Raynes’ blue balls entered the picture. We were.”

“And got nowhere!” Bishop retorted.

“Well great…now I have to.” Bernard complained as he moved Bishop aside and opened the closet. Bishop looked at both Malcolm and Raynes before bolting inside the bathroom to close the door.

“I’m next.” Raynes looked at Malcolm.

“Ice. Baths.” Malcolm blinked for each word. To that Raynes stuck his tongue out.

“The water’s tepid anyway, no real heat to it.” Bernard was buttoning his trousers.

“As long as Jackie leaves me the scraps, sixty seconds is all I need.” Raynes stated.

“Uh huh.” Bishop nodded. “Did you guys even tell me what you want to eat or am I just getting eggs and sausage for everybody?”

“I’d like toast if they have any left.” Said Malcolm.

“I actually want bacon.” Raynes said.

Bernard waved them down. “Can we not make this complicated?”

“Two things!” Raynes was baffled.

“With four things of food.” Bernard said. “I was hoping we’d all get the same.”

“What are we Russians?”

“Don’t talk like that.” Malcolm ordered.

Raynes cocked his head. “What!?”

“You heard me.” Malcolm shamed him with a waving finger. “You’re being racist and ignorant of your first world privilege.”

Raynes looked at Bernard, “Can you slap him?”

“Is he wearing underwear yet?” Bernard asked doubtfully as he slid a white shirt on.

Raynes rationalized. “But you’re fully clothed, so it’s not gay for you to make contact with him.”

“Want to know what is gay?” Malcolm smiled.

Raynes looked at him, hesitantly. “…What?”

“Colostomy Fucking a Latino Leapfrog.”

Raynes’ guffaw sounded like a ghastly shriek. Bernard couldn’t help but laugh at Malcolm, he halted as he put his socks on. “...Buddy…” Bernard started with an awkward smile, his hands cupped and pointing to Malcolm. “Let me start by saying ‘thank you’ for not sharing your jokes during class or drills. Let me also say that it has been three months of a sausage party, and the women here are…well, not available. But in close relationships, like what we’ve got here simulates, there’s certain shit that can create… discomfort. Now, you’re with us, so there’s no Biggy. But for the sake of our collective sanity could you please, shut the fuck up?”

“Best I can do for you is promise that I haven’t reverse mamboed in my time.” Malcolm answered, “Unless you count my Crystal being a trophy.”

“I don’t know,” Bernard laughed, “It might.”

“Can we just, like, change the subject….” Raynes begged.

Bernard was putting his black shoes on. “That’s between yawl.”

“Your gonna leave me alone with him after THAT?” Raynes said as the faucet in the shower turned off.

“Ahh hear that?” Bernard responded, “You’ve got backup now.”

“Are you kidding me?” Raynes said, “Bishop would get the fuck out.”

“Well, you’re up next so it’s his problem.” Bernard was snide.

“…The State looks down on Sodomy...” Malcolm sang at Raynes. “Maybe we could call it an ‘Alternative Payment’ for my Cookies.”

Raynes dropped from his bunk and crossed the room to knock on the bathroom door as if he were the last victim of a slasher movie. After a repeated rapping, Bishop opened the door with a towel around his waist. “Can a Negro dry off in peace?”

“Now that you’ve opened the door, move!” Raynes grabbed Bishop by the shoulders and pulled him out while entering.

“What did I miss? And why the hell is there no food?” Bishop asked.

“Because I just finished getting changed.” Bernard responded. “You wanted me to walk down there in a towel?”

“You don’t have time now, look!” Bishop held his hand to the digital clock that no-one had been paying attention to: the time was eleven-ten.

“Shit!” Bernard said. “Spacey, why didn’t you wake us up?”

Malcolm held up the earbuds resting on his chest.

Bernard guffawed. “You still could’ve done that.”

Bishop also blamed Malcolm. “If your naked ass took a shower hours ago, this wouldn’t have happened!”

“It’s not my fault that the four of us together become an autistic kid with ADHD.” Malcolm defended himself. “We’ll just wait on Raynes and figure out who’s getting takeout.”

“If what you just said a minute ago was autism, then I’m a legit tattoo artist.” Bernard remarked.

“Why?” Bishop asked. “What did he say?”

Malcolm smiled, “I had a cunning plan involving Raynes, an IV bag, and a turkey baster.”

“Buddy…” Bernard interrupted, “Comfort zones.”

“You know what?” Bishop shrugged. “This guy was talking anti-Semitism the other day, so I don’t even want to hear it.”

“I’m anti-Zionist!” Malcolm defended himself, “Big fucking difference.”

Bishop waved. “All the same to me.”

“Cause you’re a dumbass!”

“How ‘bout you call that ‘wife’ of yours and tell her to bring us something?” Bishop commanded.

Malcolm squinted. “Because she won’t be here until at least four! AND she’s not a delivery boy, especially for you.”

“We don’t even know what we’re getting either.” Bernard reminded as he got between the two.

“Well shit! It’s not like I’m picky.” Bishop defended. “If I gotta skip breakfast, I’ll take a burger!”

“Yes, but where from?” Bernard asked. “We’ll consult Raynes.”

“I’m in the mood for a chicken sandwich by the way.” Malcolm said.

“Well let’s not make this complicated yet.” Bernard said as the shower turned off, “Speak of the devil.”

You’re speaking to one. Malcolm thought to himself.

“And that’s why I’m glad I won’t be under your command.” Bishop responded.

“What?” Malcolm asked.

“I’m glad I won’t be serving Satan.” Bishop affirmed smugly.

Malcolm pursed his lips, careful to silence his conscience. Soon, the bathroom door swung open and a toweled Raynes stepped out. “Now I didn’t exactly expect you to be back here already.” Raynes said to Bernard. “Bishop, what are you doing?”

“Waiting on these two to clear.” He responded.

“Motherfucker, I gotta wait on three of you now!”

“I never left by the way.” Bernard injected.

“Wait, what the hell? Where’s the food?”

“By now it’s in the garbage.” Bernard pointed to the clock.

Raynes was dismayed. “Well shit! What now? I ain’t waiting on lunch!”

“All the homeless people we could feed with those leftovers…” Malcolm carefully thought out loud.

“Nelson, shut the fuck up and get your ass in there!” Bishop ordered as he pointed to the bathroom.

“Now wait just a goddamn minute…” Bernard said, “We’re getting takeout: Nelson wants a chicken sandwich. Bishop wants a Burger. Raynes, please tell me you don’t want tacos.”

Raynes squinted. “Is that because I’m Mexican?”

“Yes, and you’re a contrarian.”

Raynes shrugged. “Well just for that I might.”

“See.”

“Well, fuck it” Raynes said, “You’re still going to get it, right?”

“Who the hell said that?” replied Bernard.

Raynes pointed. “You did when you agreed to get breakfast.”

“Well now it’s lunch.”

“It carries over.”

“It’s not my fault I got caught up in your bullshit.” Bernard defended.

“MY Bullshit?” Raynes pointed to Malcolm. “Did you hear him!?”

Bishop chuckled awkwardly. “H-He listed some interesting items-”

“D-Don’t get him started again, please.” Raynes begged.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Bernard reassured them. “It’s over, right?”

“Yes.” Malcolm grunted.

“Why is your naked ass still lying there?” Bishop questioned.

Malcolm was contrarian. “I was waiting on yawl to step out.”

“I was waiting on him to get the food and you to get in there!” Bishop reasserted.

“Now, I have to wait on you!” Raynes told Bishop.

“I could always use my pillow as a cloth and you two just face opposite directions.” Malcolm said coyly.

“You get in there! We’ll worry about that!” Bishop barked.

“Very well then…” Malcolm emerged fully nude, much to the dismay and the discomfort of the room. He walked to the dresser and withdrew a fresh pair of underwear followed by his black dress pants. He smirked at everyone in the room as they looked away. As Malcolm entered the bathroom, he put the toilet seat down and delicately folded his clothes on top before finally closing the wide-open door.”

“Yes, now…” He could hear Bernard try to return to the main subject. “Back to lunch.”

“I’m starting to think ‘brunch.” Raynes said.

“Oh, come on!”

“No seriously, let’s go to a diner.”

Bernard gave a brief pause to mull it over. “Hmmm, we could split the check….”