And yet, I found myself without direction. Drive urging me onwards, but a circuitous path is not one that the heart desires. So I needed to find myself, find something to focus on. Convergence (as it often had of late) provided me with an answer as well as a goal. So with more force than before I pushed myself, fighting stronger foes and seeking greater challenges.

The days faded away as I ate into my saved up holidays, each level I progressed made me feel invigorated. Never before had a game felt this good, the threat and secret of the disappearances only serving to make me feel as if a wire was running down my spine, giving me the power to push harder.

My friends fell behind, not willing to put in the effort, for a while I thought them lazy, unwilling to sacrifice like I had. So I stopped trying to bring them along. Diving deep into solo play, or picking up groups of the highest level players I could find. Soon enough I had a reputation amongst a few prominent groups.

However, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling of artificiality that surrounded the world, the numbers and the systems felt that they were holding me back, if only I could feel a little more, reach a little farther. Then maybe, maybe I could touch the sensations at the back of my mind. Was that God? For years of my life I never felt in touch with the spirituality my family had presumed upon the world. The belief that humanity shared some connection with one another past the physical. A joke, and yet being surrounded by it day in and out made me see something, ‘Belief’ it was a tangible thing for them, something they could hold and share with one another. Not I though, I stood apart, earning my the shameful glances and disdain of my family, my father in particular.

The idea of a game touching God was impossible, not a thought I seriously held, but something about the feeling I felt reminded me of that ‘Belief’. Ideas from man about God or the realm of the divine were ones I tended to avoid. Getting bogged down in a lengthy debate was never something I enjoyed. So even with this thought in my mind I walked towards the horizon.

The game was still such a sink of focus, the feeling of demi-real senses blended into my waking and dreaming worlds. Such as the colour of your television you grew up with causing your dreams to change, so too, did my view of the world around me. There had been many tests on the VTU before it was approved for public production, one side effect of overuse was such a phenomenon. And yet, I couldn’t stop.

Again and again I dived into the game, losing myself in the hours of play. A full week had passed since David had disappeared and I had caught up to him in the game, the last location he had logged out. Nothing here gave me clues as to his disappearance, there were other people here.

A simple dungeon, although one well known for its powerful monsters. The people who were already here paid me no mind as I searched the area, avoiding mobs. There was no sign, I had talked to others before heading here myself, no one had seen Yashuu here, nothing stood out as outside the norm. And yet, I was tense.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

‘Could what had happened to him happen to me?’

The thought ran through my head unprompted, and not for the first time. It was possible that what I was searching for would make me the next to go, but what is man but not the seeker of knowledge?

With nothing more holding me back, I went forward, passing by the team who was already exploring and finishing the dungeon. Surely it was impolite, but why should I care? I was seeking a greater goal. My search was fruitless however, so I left the rewards on the ground as a sort of conciliation.

Having lost my greatest lead, I felt the walls closing in around me. What else was there? Was I not special? I supposed that everyone feels like they are the main character of their story. Could it be that I wasn’t the right person?

Clearing my head of such malodorous thoughts, I returned to what I knew best, losing myself in the challenge.

[][][]

The world is not kind nor easy, and yet this is strictly a good thing. No one has ever grown stronger from being sheltered from all hardship. In the same way as to use a cheat code would be robbing yourself of the chance to grow in skill, hiding from the harshness robs you of the ability to improve yourself.

I was alone then. Looking for a sign, a sign that something other than random chance dictated this new world I found myself in. Never before had I reached for that thing called faith, that insidious disease. And yet, here I was forcing myself to fight again and again, rebelling against the system the game designers had made, and was this not the intention? Could the game designer not know just how fake they had made the world?

I almost forced myself to log out, to take shelter in the forums and blogs, in trusting that someone else would solve the problem. I was out of time anyways, I had to go to work, I had to spend time outside this false reality and go back to my mundane life.

But, I couldn’t bring myself to open the menu and select that option. The wind effects mimicked the sensations across my skin, but the clothes I wore had no texture. The hair style I chose was caught and picked up, I could see the individual strands, but there wasn’t a sensation. The skin that covered this body only existed where it could be seen.

I looked at the people who were sitting in town, so many now. They walked and talked, sitting and laughing. Some were getting ready to adventure, equipping gear and double checking supplies. Others still, were simply waiting, it felt like they all were frozen in time. These people(fools) were taking(wasting) their time as if they had so much of it left.

Perhaps the stress had been getting to me. I felt a sharp pain at the base of my skull and decided to head onwards. More fights awaited me after all. And with that in mind, I left. I didn’t know where I was going, nor I think, did I care.

A secluded place, far from the other players.

Just one enemy.

It fell to my blade like so many before it.

The rush of battle never arrived, it felt too easy, even as I stared down at the wound I had let it inflict.

Then why did I feel pain?

Had the game changed?

I looked up, feeling at once disconnected and alive.

At some point I had fallen down.

Was this how it had felt to David?

Was this proof?

I was afraid.

“ULTIMATELY, IT IS THE DESIRE, NOT THE DESIRED, THAT WE LOVE.”