Chapter 1: I Believe It Began Like This

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There was a time, before her hatred had consumed her heart that Marissa remembered. The memories were faint, but they were there. It was a time when she had been utterly naive.

She had been twelve. Her mother had died suddenly due to sickness. It was winter, and without her mother’s house-making skills, they were sure to starve. Normally, a father would console his crying children and assure them that they would survive. Even if she was just a girl, she believed back then that her father, Peter Rice, would be the same. She was wrong.

Without a shred of pity in his heart, he ordered her to take up the household chores. Not some of them, but all of them. Even though she wasn’t the oldest. Even though her older brother, Martin, was always standing by doing nothing. The only reason Mother was able was due to her skill. She had been taught by other women. Marissa could faintly remember her Grandmother and her Mother discussing household techniques with each other when she was young. This was now impossible. Both those women had died already.

There was no one left to teach Marissa.

Filled with bitterness in her heart, she tried her hand at the chores. She did her best, but it wasn’t good enough. Father would yell at her for everything she did. Nothing was ever good enough.

“My clothes aren’t washed properly!” he would say.

Or, “Is this even edible? Your mother would be ashamed!”

This would cause her two younger brothers, Evan and Andrew, to cry at the mention of Mother. He would then console them as if she had made them cry. No matter what she did, she was wrong. No matter how much effort she put in, Father seemed to hate her the most. She couldn’t understand why.

That was the reason she started to hate herself a little, too. If only she could do a better job, then Father’s issues would lessen, Andrew and Evan wouldn’t fuss as much, and they could be harmonious once more. They could be a family again.

She stayed up late at night to stitch Father’s work clothes. She did not even touch them, opting instead to try a small sock instead. That way, once her technique had improved, she would move closer toward fixing his clothes. Then, he’d pat her head like he used to do, and tell her she did well. Marissa’s cheeks glowed at the thought.

But she had made a mistake. One day, she arrived home a little too early. She had been visiting an old lady, Ms. Cobble, who had neither husband nor family. The friendly old spinster who gave her food from time to time, and stretched thin, Marissa would accept her help.

One day, seeing Marissa’s plight, she asked if she wanted to receive special lessons.

“Lessons in what?” she asked.

“Lessons in home-making.”

“But Ms. Cobble, you don’t-” Instead of getting offended, the old lady merely smiled.

“I may not be married, but I still need to do all kinds of things here. The only difference is, I’m doing it for myself.”

“You’re...taking care of yourself?” asked Marissa. It was a strange concept. Only having to care about yourself instead of others. It was weird to her.

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The old lady glanced at her in sorrow.

“Marissa...I’ve seen you these past few months. What happened to Tessa is regrettable, but I hoped your irresponsible father would get a clue and start taking proper care of you.” She looked Marissa up and down.

“I see I’ve been too kind to him. He has failed as a man and as a father.”

Though she was young, Marissa understood the derision behind Ms. Cobble’s words. She was mocking her father!

“No, you don’t understand! Father is just working hard.”

“Oho? So then, that’s an excuse for treating you so horribly?”

“He doesn’t!”

Ms. Cobble laid an arm around her lovingly. She spoke in a soothing tone, “Marissa. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and scared. But you shouldn’t cover for your father like this. He’s an adult. If you have children, you should treat them preciously. Otherwise, there’s no point.”

Marissa knew then, deep down, that Ms. Cobble was only trying to help her. But she couldn’t help it. She didn’t get it! She didn’t understand how hard she was trying. And, if Father was just a no-good man who tormented Marissa for no reason, then that meant that...all these months of working hard meant nothing. 

That hurt more than anything. Because that meant that everything she’d done to heal her broken family was worth nothing. She had been living inside a delusion.

So she did something she shouldn’t have.  And then, she looked at the poor face of Ms. Cobble, who had not seen Marissa’s harsh words coming at all.

“You’re wrong! They all appreciate what I’ve been doing! Of course, you can’t see that, because you’re full of bitterness since you don’t have anyone at all!”

The look of Ms. Cobble's heartbroken face was permanently etched into her eyes.

Marissa ran outside. Tears stinging, she continued down the cobbled road.

She wanted to go home.

Yet, she was left with another horrible surprise.

When she opened the door, she heard the tell-tale sound of female giggling. She ventured deeper inside, and through a narrow opening in the door, she could see the silhouette of her father.

Her father... and the neighbor’s wife, Patricia.

The sounds they emitted clued Marissa in on what was going on. She stood there in shock, feet feeling numb. This was what her father did when he was ‘off working’? Sleeping with a married woman. And in their house, no less!

Fortunately, they started talking.

Patricia: “Stay with me, Pete. No more sneaking around. You know I love you, more than anything in the world. Can’t you take me away from that bastard Gus? I’ll even become a mother to your children!”

Marissa had It was no secret that Patricia was unable to give birth. Even so, her husband Gustav seemed to always look at her in such an adoring light. He would be crushed if he ever heard.

“Divorce your old man already. That bum won’t survive much longer anyway, working in the mines and all. Then you’ll marry me and care for me and my boys. If they stay motherless much longer, the town will talk. My daughter is practically useless, anyhow. Honestly, making me do a thing like this. What an unfilial daughter.”

Marissa stumbled, taken aback. Never in her life did she expect this.

She had been wrong. About everything. About how, if she worked harder, he might care for her. It was clear now, in Marissa’s mind that no amount of hard work could satisfy a wicked man like Peter Rice. He was sick in the head. She swallowed in disgust. She couldn’t save this family...her father didn’t want to be saved. He wanted to sleep with a married woman and act like his daughter had forced him to do it.  At that moment, rather than saving him, she wanted to kill him.

Something in her dared her to go closer.

‘Confront him!’, the voice said. 'Tell him he's wrong!'

But Marissa was scared and didn’t have the heart to be lied to thrice in one day. She knew now that he would. What was the point of exposing him, only for him to wrap himself in lies? Their bond had already been broken. It was over.

Teeth clenched, Marissa left the dilapidated house. She ventured down the road, ignoring the kind villagers wishing her good morning, or asking if she was alright. She went down to an abandoned patch of the nearby forest. Here, buried deep under a young oak tree, she began to shovel. She shoveled harder and harder. All her anger, her frustration, and hatred were put into shoveling into a specific patch of earth. Soon, she heard a metallic clank.

Marissa bent down and retrieved a dinky metal box. Prying it open with her key, she was met with 909 rinc.

‘Alright,’ she thought. ‘This should be enough to rent a room at an inn in the Capital.’

Yes. As if in a daze, Marissa had decided to skip town. She would leave behind her family who had treated her as nothing but a mere slave.

It was goodbye to Martin, who treated her like air.

Goodbye to nine-year-old Andrew, who acted like she was his mother even though he knew she was suffering too, and constantly threw tantrums every time he saw her.

Goodbye to Evan, her favorite, who meant well, but was too afraid of his elder twin brother getting angry at him.

And goodbye to her Father, who hated the very sight of her.

Fastening her cloak around her neck, Marissa valiantly moved ahead. For the first time in forever, she let her emotions win.

‘If I wait until I calm down, I might just go back.’

Knowing this, Marissa made a crucial choice. If she had to betray herself to save herself, she decided that was the best way to go.

Towards Ghislan, the Capital.