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Just when Gary Weinerspiegel managed to drop off to sleep, he was awakened by the sound of snuffling outside his room.

So, he thought, the prodigal Creature returns!

He wondered if the thing would slink around guiltily, perhaps refusing to look at him. Instead he felt the entire bed shake as the pudgy little goon hauled itself up, then snuffled and wheezed directly in his face. Gary pretended to be asleep, hoping that the Creature would simply lie down and go to sleep. Instead, the Creature put two heavy paws on either side of his face, then lifted his head. Gary felt hot breath in his face as the thing smelled him. The Creature suddenly let his head drop back onto the pillow, then thumped him on the chest and belly with surprising force.

"Stop that!" Gary said. "I'm not your drum, you dirty animal!"

The Creature snorted as it climbed over him, then fell off the bed. Gary smacked the light switch and watched the red oaf waddle back through the doorway.

"You don't pay mortgage here!" Gary shouted, forcing himself up. "You're in quite a bit of trouble, mister! I hope you understand that."

Gary went to the bathroom and, while standing over the toilet, gave some serious thought to what he would say to his whore-mongering Creature. Though the Creature couldn't speak, Gary was pretty sure that it understood English. When he formulated a three-point argument that was both simple and inarguable, he went downstairs and found his Creature in the kitchen. The floor looked like a bomb had gone off, and the Creature was squatting on top of the counter going through the cereal cabinet.

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"Creature, I want to tell you - oh, good Lord, look at this! Look at what you've done!"

It looked up at Gary just as it tore a box open, spilling cereal across the counter and onto the floor, then proceeded to nuzzle around inside the bag.

"You really don't care, do you? You go out and spew hormones all over lowborn filth, then come home when you're hungry and need a bath! Is that it, Creature?"

"WHAA!" the Creature shrieked, blasting cereal in the air.

"You heard me! You've been consorting with common Creatures and putting your progenitor in quite a pinch. Quite a pinch, you little turd!"

"A-a-a-ah!" the Creature wheezed, waving away Gary's accusations and accidentally throwing the cereal box with the gesture. It scuttled across the stove and opened up another cabinet, then moaned pitifully.

Gary sighed and held down the intercom buzzer. "Esmerzelda, will you get in here and cook the Creature something, please? Thank you." Without waiting for a response, he continued. "Now listen here, Creature. This is me who's talking. I made sure you had access to a very, very nice establishment, and it was filled with very… ah, attractive Creatures. Okay? But you went and-"

The Creature turned and interrupted Gary with a series of squawks and hand gestures, waving thick, dirty claws in the air. At first Gary thought the thing was actually speaking, then realized it was only babbling. The little brute was actually pretending to argue! Gary shook his head. Then he realized that he, too, had been acting like a complete fool.

Talking to a Creature! he thought. I've actually been trying to reason with this buffoon! But reason… reason doesn't work with them, does it? No, it doesn't. Not one bit. That's why I've got to take charge of this situation…

He activated the intercom again. "Esmerzelda. Looks like we have a big mess up here. I think it's time we cleaned it up."

As the Creature's mouth full of uneven fangs bobbed up and down, babbling nonsense, Gary narrowed his eyes and glared at the Creature's pink tongue jutting off to the side. There's only one language these Creatures understand! he thought. And if I don't speak it, loud and clear, then I'm done for!