Mash didn’t go far from his portal, before letting himself fall onto the ground. His body felt heavy, and his back slammed into a tree as he slid down it. His clothes didn’t even strain under the descent. Cracking noises came from the tree, as it struggled with the force of the crash. Even a casual fall from him was quite strong. The others hadn’t hesitated to step in with him, though they were clearly confused. The slightly widened eyes and the way that they almost reached towards him when he slid down the tree revealed that.
“What’s wrong with you? No, wait that came out wrong. I mean, how are you feeling?”
Luke was the first to speak. His words chased Mash as he landed on the ground. Mash had felt Luke’s mana when he had tried to heal him, but he didn’t think this was something that could just be healed. That would be too easy. Then he considered it. He did have a way to heal it, right? Inhuman Hibernation had worked for things like this before. The skill had seemed to bypass his memory, but now he caught it. The skill almost felt like it wanted to be used as if this was what is designed for. A purpose to the skill that he had never understood.
[Don’t do it.]
“Don’t do it.”
Mash suspected that Priscilla was the reason that he hadn’t considered the skill. She had somehow been diverting his thoughts from them. That notion sent a jab of fear through him. The smallest bit of doubt toward Priscilla, as he realized what she could do. As the thought came to his mind, he pushed it aside. Red’s voice reminded him why Priscilla did what she did. The message and the words mixed together as Red was only a second behind Priscilla.
With Red’s words, the doubt that had been growing was snipped. Priscilla was there to help him, even if it was along whatever lines she believed. He knew that those beliefs were being shaped by his own. She was more susceptible to his thoughts than he was to hers. The skill was a temptation, and Red must have known what he was thinking about. Priscilla was stopping him from partaking in the easy solution. In the drug that he could easily become dependent on.
Even with their words, he almost succumbed to the temptation. The dizziness, the pain, it wasn’t something he could blunt. He couldn’t remember the last time something like this happened. And his skill could make it all end. Could drown out the pain and emotions, and fix his mental state. Although, he didn’t know what that would do to him, how something like that could ruin him. But would actually be such a bad idea to change like that? It probably wasn’t possible to do much more damage. Feeling the urge, the desire. He was overwhelmed by the temptation for a moment. He apologized, as he started using the skill.
“I’m sorry.”
The words were mouthed, more than said. Only a couple of breaths escaped his lips with them. Hopefully, they would understand, though he could tell that Priscilla was trying to stop him. It was one thing to distract him when his mind was a ruined mess, and it was another to actually stop him from doing something. However, when he tried to reach for the skill, nothing happened. It was as if the skill simply slipped through him, without properly starting. As if he himself had stopped it. Mash didn’t understand what was happening. Although Jill’s voice echoed as she lunged for him.
“Sorry. Felt like the only thing I could do.”
Jill’s spear plunged into Mash’s shoulder. A pain came, as her weapon tore the space where it struck. The tip of her weapon was small, but he didn’t know what could stop it. The pain it caused was also minor, but he was still surprised to see it protruding from him. His first thought wasn’t confusion, but a twisted acceptance. Then he saw the blood slightly staining his shirt around the needle and shook himself of that notion. He was stupefied, completely taken aback by what she had done. Honestly, he couldn’t even understand what to be confused by.
“Are you so eager to throw yourself away?”
Red’s words came as a half cry, and Mash turned to look at her. She had moved in close as had all of them. Jill with her weapon still in place, and Luke with his hand resting against Mash’s other arm. He wasn’t healing him but was carefully monitoring. Red knelt in front of him, her eyes level was with his. Her normally unblemished red eyes were flecked with bits of darkness. He could see the pain on her face and knew it was one of recognition. An understanding that she could share in. A crossroad that she had stood on not too long ago herself. Even without his domain, Mash could feel the connection. It was as if Red’s own experiences were bleeding out of her and mixing with his. The similarities seemed to echo off one another.
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Mash stayed that way for a moment, and just faced Red’s eyes. However, he couldn’t hold her gaze for very long. It felt like he didn’t deserve to, and he dipped his head slowly. Priscilla filled his mind with some images, the memories of what had happened right after Krall. The similarities in Red’s behavior mimicked his own now. He knew it already, but the image really drove home his cowardice. If not for Jill, he would’ve succumbed to the temptation to throw his emotions and guilt away. To bear with the memories without feeling them.
The memory Priscilla was showing him didn’t end, and he saw how Red had told him of her situation. How she had managed to share the experience, not just with him, but again with the other two. It would be unfair to not at least try and do the same. Just once.
“I did this. I’m the cause.”
Mash found it hard to express his thoughts. Each word was hard to say, but the hardest part was actually saying what he meant. He felt like a child that was forming his first sentences. They made sense but lacked too much to be understood. The others didn’t say anything and just watched him. They expected more but didn’t demand it. Feeling their emotions, he tried again.
“Everything that happened here. With Daniel and the other world. With the desperate situation there, and the death.”
He spoke in an odd way, pausing often as he tried to figure out what words to use. Nothing he came up with felt adequate, but he just wanted to get them out there. Even if it was hard to understand, he had started and would commit to it.
“I told him that an invasion was coming. I told them to prepare for a fight.”
He could tell that his words were being understood, and he saw them react in different ways. Red eyes shifted to the side. Luke's gaze seemed to grow more intense like he was looking for something deeper. Jill’s eyebrows turned up, and her grip on the weapon tightened. Her knuckles became paler. He could see her open her mouth. She would probably tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but he knew otherwise. And he kept going, not giving her the chance to protest.
“I stupidly believed I knew everything. I told them I would help. I thought I was some kind of chosen hero and told my lies to everyone. Imagine what my brother and the other knights or adventurers have done with my information. I should’ve seen it with Aifell’s people. Not every portal was an invasion, not everything was a war. But I was a fool!”
As he said the words, he still didn’t feel any tears. However, he did feel a heat surge across his body. Anger was devouring his other emotions. His fury was directed at himself. His last words were practically a shout, but he continued anyway.
“Everything! From the very beginning, was just so small. I am so small. Why did I think I had the right to change people’s lives?”
Even after everything, that was what he struggled to combat. He couldn’t shake his desire to change the world, to break or fix the class system. To delve deeper and embroil himself more. The realization that he could somehow still want to do that terrified him. That final question was as much for himself as it was for them. He still wanted to affect people’s lives after everything he had done. He could practically see the piles of dead growing, but he still wanted to try. His selfishness surprised him.
There was a silence in the air when he finished his tirade. He had explained most of it, but they couldn’t understand just how far back his words went. They went beyond these worlds and even his time over the past few years. His whole life had been skewed horribly. Everything was somehow warped by his narrow perception. Everything about him was little better than cracked glass. Mash noticed a shift, and it looked like they would speak. It seemed like they all wanted to say something, but Jill won the race when she yanked her needle out of his shoulder. Its exit was much harder than its entrance. The same space tearing effect did not run along the whole weapon but only existed on its tip.
She sat on the ground beside him, her weapon dissolving into the air. He expected them to deny it, to claim that he wasn’t to blame. He had unconsciously imagined what the others would say. That everyone had made their choices, and that they shouldn’t have just believed him.
“So what?
The words she said got him to look up. He had seen their faces and reactions with his domain, but there were things he missed by not meeting their eyes properly. Jill’s eyes had the slightest sheen to them like she was just about to cry. However, the expression in her eyes was of pure rage. He couldn’t look away as she continued, his gaze somehow fixed on her own.
Her eyes, which were glimpses into the void beyond a world, revealed her thoughts to him. One empty without any light or stars within. Even still the void somehow seemed deeper, more consuming. Her other eye seemed to narrow on a single star. Its fire grew to match her own emotions. It seemed like it was growing, it too, looked ready to consume him. She continued as he stared.
“You can’t change what you’ve done. If you hate yourself, then change. But stop being so arrogant. Blame never belongs to one person. No matter how much you feel like you're carrying, there are enough pieces for everyone to have their share. You think I’m not angry at myself. I literally have the skills to see into the future. I knew that something was wrong with Red when I entered my trial but figured I could talk to her about it later. “
Mash was stunned and just stared at her; his self-loathing anger was smothered by her intensity. Nothing she had said had been wrong. There were plenty of things he carried the blame for, and he realized that he wasn’t alone in holding it. He was certain, that there would be others who hold onto their piece of the blame. And those who were forever chained to it. Jill wasn’t finished with lashing, and her gaze moved towards Red and Luke.