Chapter 29 - Counsel

Narrow rays of sunlight peered through a small gap in the curtains, shining light on a small stack of cards that rested on Andros’ desk. The muffled sounds of children playing oozed through the walls, let loose after one of the temple’s classes. Though the cards he was inscribing wouldn’t be completely ready until nightfall, the act of inscribing them was in of itself a therapeutic process.

Pouring through numerous tomes and scrolls, and transferring rituals and spells over to his deck, was one of the few things he could get completely lost in. His mind found its rhythm, and his body followed without much prodding. With a bead of sweat pouring down his forehead, he absentmindedly activated one of his cards to chill the tall jug of coffee Tendo had brewed for him. Condensation quickly formed around the edge of the jug as he poured himself a cup of the chilled beverage.

Deep, earthy, and slightly sweet. The sensations poured over the back of his tongue as he drank his first sip, the coolness of the drink washing over him, a lovely contrast to the humidity of the city.

Hours later, when the sun shone low over the horizon, Andros set tomorrow’s mostly finished spell deck off to the side. By now, his jug was already empty, and he sat in meditative silence, eyes fixated on the sapphire ring with awoken his shadow. This was a catalyst for one to connect to the cognitive realm, that much was certain, but he wondered why it had never manifested a shadow for Xue. The shadows themselves appeared to manifest when an individual is undergoing intense mental and physical stress, which Xue was very much going through. However, from his and Akaja’s accounts, the Shadow seemed to test them upon first showing itself.

For Akaja, it was her desire for justice that bound her shadow. For Andros, it was his newfound love for Yukiko. In each instance, the shadows spoke of unrequited desires, of mistakes and insecurities, of a reason for living…

Did Xue not have any of those things, or perhaps not enough? Throughout their brief reunion, even Andros could tell she felt trapped, lost, and isolated. Could he have done more for her? Perhaps she would have mustered up the will to bind a shadow then, but… well, he would never know.

Would he have even survived his first encounter with his shadow had it not been for Yukiko? Asena was right when she said that his research had become his obsession. That it was the thing which pushed Xue away. Though part of him always knew that being confronted with that aspect of himself was devastating. A man without memories, with one desire that bound him to his old life, was the very thing that stopped him from creating a new one.

But now with Yukiko… with even the rest of the Seekers, he had something to look forward to outside of his research…

With a long sigh, he tried to finish off his remaining cards, but found himself unable to concentrate. His mind was overflowing with restless thoughts. Perhaps he needed a break. Putting his things away, Andros moved downstairs. By now, the kitchen rush would be in full swing. The usual line stretched outside of the temple’s main hall, with many more gathered around makeshift chairs and tables, or simply sat against walls and corners, eating today’s offering. Scrambled eggs and sweet sausage over a bed of rice.

Andros felt his stomach rumble. He hadn’t eaten at all today… Yukiko usually had to remind him about that.

He saw Tendo step out of the classroom they had set up together. With a warm smile, the Dark Elf waved at him.

“Andros!” Tendo exclaimed as he made his way over. “Finally, got hungry enough to come downstairs?”

“Partially,” Andros said, briefly glancing over at the kitchens again. “My mind is restless again and I can’t seem to concentrate. I suppose being hungry also doesn’t help.”

“Want me to lend an ear?” Tendo asked, setting a hand on Andros’ shoulder. “I can grab the two of us a plate and… perhaps I can offer some guidance.”

Normally, he would’ve refused, but with such an important mission tomorrow, he needed a clear head. “I’d appreciate that.”

After a quick stop by the kitchens, Tendo led him over to the small room the Spared used for confessions and counseling. The room itself was mostly barren, aside from a soft sofa and a few chairs. As Andros sat down on the sofa, Tendo took his place on one of the chairs.

“What’s been going through your mind?” Tendo asked.

Andros let out a long sigh, snatching up a mouthful of eggs and rice with a pair of chopsticks. “It’s Xue… I can’t stop thinking about how she died…” His eyes fixated on the ring again as his brows furrowed. “You’ve read over my most recent notes, yes? About shadows…”

“I have,” Tendo said, nodding. “I must say I admire your work ethic. With everything going on… I’m surprised you still have the time and energy to dedicate to your research. It is quite fascinating, and I am honored to be able to peek in on it every now and then.”

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He held out Xue’s ring, offering to Tendo, who took it with bewilderment. “Ah, and this must be the catalyst!” The Dark Elf inspected it closely, then cleared his throat. “Are you bothered about this ring specifically?”

“I suppose,” Andros murmured. “From what I’ve gathered… awakening to a shadow involves a significant amount of physical and/or mental stress. If Xue kept this on her at the time of her death… shouldn’t she have awoken to one as well? I have two theories regarding that… either she was killed so quickly that there was simply no time, or… she lacked the will to fully bind a shadow.”

“I believe I remember that from your notes,” Tendo mused. “The shadow prods at your insecurities and tests your resolve. It forces you to confront a side of yourself that you would prefer to avoid.”

Andros nodded. “I know that this may be inappropriate to ask, but I must know… you spoke with Xue before her death quite regularly. Did she seem… depressed?”

Tendo frowned, then sighed. “She was conflicted… paralyzed mentally. I would say that she was depressed… she did ask about you a lot…”

“What did she say?”

“She wanted to know how you were doing,” Tendo said. “What you were doing, what kinds of people your friends are… she was even happy that you found someone in Yukiko.”

“She wasn’t angry at me?”

“No… at least I don’t think so…” Tendo leaned forward, his hand resting on his chin in contemplation. “Do you blame yourself for her death?”

The question gave Andros pause, and for a long while, he sat there in silence, picking away at the food on his plate.

“It’s understandable if you do,” Tendo said. “Anger is part of the grieving process. That includes anger at yourself.”

“It was my research that broke us up,” Andros spoke softly, his voice a tad hoarse. “That’s what my shadow told me, and she’s right. I was so fixated on it that I pushed everyone away from me. It’s a miracle you’re still around.”

Tendo smiled. “You’re my friend, Andros. I would never abandon a friend in need.” Sighing, he leaned back in his chair. “Yet your position is a difficult one, and one that is, unfortunately, difficult for many to understand. The soul, the mind… it craves purpose… it craves identity. These shadows are a manifestation of that, good or bad. You came here with no memories, with little sense of self… aside from that single tether which bound you to your old life. Nobody can blame you for chasing after that tether, from voraciously reeling it in for any semblance of your past self. To discover one’s self is an eternal struggle that many deal with.”

“And yet I chased that tether at the expense of everyone around me.”

“And what of your new friends?” Tendo asked. “Are you worried that you might do the same to them?”

“Yes…”

Tendo nodded. “I think your fellow ‘Seekers’ are more accepting of your passion than you realize.” He handed the ring back over to Andros, smiling. “Your old group, for the most part were, no offense to them, rather one-track adventurers. They’re good people deep down, but their primary concern was gold and glory. However, with your new friends… your knowledge of the cognitive realm is especially relevant to them and their mission. It may be the glue that keeps you together. You’re not the only one with a shadow after all…”

“That makes sense…” Andros murmured. “But once the Admiral is dealt with… what then? I’m worried I’ll make the same mistakes with Yukiko…”

“Ah…” Tendo smirked, then shook his head. “You really like her, don’t you?”

“I do…” Andros admitted. “I just feel… relaxed whenever she’s around.” He chuckled. “We haven’t known each other long, but I think I’m falling for her.”

“I’m happy for you. And for Yukiko. However, you must understand that Xue and Yukiko are two different people with two different standards. You fear being dragged down by the past, yes? Being unable to let go? Isn’t holding back your passion, especially one that is so deeply entwined into your soul that it transcended amnesia, because others were turned away by it, also being held back in a way? It is a difficult balance for anyone to find, to find one’s self alongside the acceptance of others.”

“But that doesn’t mean I should make the same mistakes, right?”

“Of course,” Tendo said, nodding. “But you must also find people who will accept you for who you are. If you can show Yukiko how important your research is to you, then I’m sure she will be more than supportive. Do not fear rejection at the cost of who you are…”

Andros fell into silence again. His research did mean a lot to him, but was it truly that deeply embedded within who he was? It was important, at least in the current situation. He wouldn’t deny that. However, was it truly the right thing to do? To prioritize it before the people around him? If he had to choose between his research and Yukiko, he knew for a fact he would chose Yukiko every time, and yet…

“Your research could help so many people, Andros…” Tendo said. “I know things are difficult now, but do not stop pursuing it. It is your heart, your passion… and those are your words… not mine.”

Suddenly, he felt his doubts begin to fade, as if they were swept away by a large wave or buried beneath an avalanche. Yukiko would understand, wouldn’t she?

“You’re right, Tendo…” Andros said, his voice strangely monotone. He took in another deep breath to calm himself. “I’ve gotten this far… it would be a waste to stop now.” He chuckled lightly, then smiled.

“Exactly,” Tendo stood up, then gave Andros a firm pat on the shoulder. “Don’t let others get in the way of what you want.”

But did he want this? Even if it meant pushing Yukiko away? Not like it would come to that… they needed his research for the mission, after all. But if it did happen…

“Now…” Tendo said, smiling. “Is there anything else that I can do for you?”

“I’m fine, Tendo… and thank you again.”

Tendo nodded. “It’s my pleasure. If you ever need someone to talk to… you know where to find me.”

As Tendo took his leave, Andros heard the distant howl of a wolf. A sharp pain suddenly struck the back of Andros’ head, then, as quickly as it came, it dissipated.

“I need to finish my preparations…” Andros murmured to himself, rubbing the back of his head. What in the void was that?