Why didn’t anyone wake me up? I’ve missed six months of a grade I haven’t even started ye. I’ve missed a lot. Halloween, thanksgiving, my friends birthdays…even my own. I finally open my eyes to a gray wall out lined in midnight blue. What happened to all my posters and pictures? They think I was already dead? Was they that excited-probably my mom’s doing.
Oh yeah in a less than a week I won’t exist any longer. What’s the point in going to school then? I don’t even know my classes. I slide out of bed, feeling a bit more upbeat (who wouldn’t be about no school) and open my dresser seven steps away. I don’t wear make-up and the only jewelry I wear is a choker given to me by my friend Trever Goodnoe, but I call him ID for insane dork. So all I need is my shower gel, underwear, bra, a long sleeve gray shirt followed by a black tank top and pair of faded black jeans for my shower.
Afterwards I scrape the burnt off toast and drink a glass of apple juice only to find its 12:45pm. Too late for school. Empty house; I checked all the rooms. What to do what an empty house. I smile and turn on Marilyn Manson to the mas as I beat the crud out of my other piece of toast until I become bored. I watch anime on the living room TV, drink juice out of the jug, and practice poaching an egg.
What to do? I lock the door as I leave the house and walk down to a tiny hidden lake at the other side of town. What a surprise ID. He’s always skipping school and falling asleep here. I go over and wake the moron up with a couple of soft kicks to his hips. “Hey you look good for an idiot out of a comma.” He comments conscience in one eye and I smile sitting down next to him hugging my knees. “So tell me….I thought you didn’t do drugs. You were better than those other mindless freaks.”
“I thought you were too. What’s with the, I’m ready for a funeral look? You even shaved and cut your hair.” I nudge him. He pulled one hand from under his head and wrapped it around me. ID use to be a kid with medium wavy hair that got in his eyes and a five o’clock shadow since I was twelve and he thirteen. He only shaved every three weeks since after that point it never grew quickly. He had that I’m so innocent, artist I don’t give a care look, now…Now school shooter. I was ready for him to curse me out, but all he said was- “Cause I am. My own.” I waited for him to elaborate a bit. “You know we’re best friends right?” he turned on his side hugging me with both hands now.
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I nod.
“After a month,” his voice tickled against my thighs. “The doctors wasn’t sure you’ll survive and your parents really couldn’t afford to keep you there. Everyone was ready to give up on you. I gave up the hardest. I bought a suit, found some chemicals in dad’s garage. You know I was ready to go. But dad found me before I could swallow.” I could hear the utter emptiness in his voice it almost didn’t sound like my childhood friend. “He watched me 24/7 for like a month afterwards. Funny in trouble for attempted suicide.” He laughed a dry laugh and rolled back on his back. “well when my step-dad thought it would be okay for me to be alone, I found his revolver and tried again, but after pulling the trigger” I could feel the hand still hugging me for imitate pulling a trigger as if still in the moment. “You can guess I wasn’t dead and tried again, and again ‘til I gave up at four. Someone just didn’t want me to die. Turns out there was two bullets, funny huh?” another empty laugh. “Well I forgot about killing myself for two more months, but the doctors just kept saying she might not make it and soon I was the only one coming to see you. I got a job to help your dad with medical bills. I’m sorry. I couldn’t do school and work so I tried hanging recently.” He took his arm from around me and lowered his hoodie collar and revealed the failed attempt. “I blacked out for a while and ended up in the hospital alive.” He broke down months and months of desperation and depression spilling out. I’ve never seen him cry only really sad.
What kind of gruesome person let someone live to cause them pain? What kind of God let someone live to see who they almost killed?
“Trever.” I have nothing to tell him on why I did what I did, so I lay down beside him. Let him cry himself to sleep with his arms around me.
Humans causing humans pain. Him holding what he should’ve lost.