The night was clear, the city buzzing in life as its flashing lights resembled stars underneath the towering view of the mall. Busybodies crowded the peak, eager to go here or elsewhere, yet I stood alone on the farthest, trying not to bother anyone despite the constant glances of strangers who'd noticed my presence lingering near the railings. I really didn't want to bother anyone, but what I’m going to do would more than bother these innocent passersby.

The dizzying height of the building overlooked a busy main road, with a concrete street filled with people walking to wherever their destinations are. Even though it's pretty hectic, the building’s under repair so there were metal rods and seams underneath. My heart wouldn't calm down, and I was too scared, yet I also couldn't find the courage to back out and return home to an absent family. My clammy hands held my dead cell phone, a useless device that can't make people's words and encouragement reach me and instead made my decisions finalized.

I have no face to save if I return like a coward who can't face death, no real reason to live. Atleast, I’d be able to stand up for all the others who can't build enough courage to do what I am about to do. Yes. I will be doing this for their honor. For everyone's honor. To save everyone from a disgrace like me. It is the only choice...

Or is it? I could turn back. However I can't bring myself to face the empty house or my phone vibrating from the worry-filled messages of people I’ve never met but called my friends. I want to see reason beyond this situation, to think more critically of all the possible outcomes, yet my mind refused. I tried to stare beyond yet all I see is the foreboding darkness, not allowing me to pass through and see the light of my situation. I know I’m not thinking right, but it's also because I can't think right that I can only see the steps of what I am supposed to do to get my life over with. I have no expectations for an afterlife. I do not believe in any religions, nor have I held beliefs as to what my purpose in life was. Life was just life, and it is shit. I lived it to the best I could and didn't mind the possibility of non-existence after my death. Yet in this moment, all I could do was cling onto the hope of an afterlife where I could meet the only being who has ever loved me. A dog. I don't think I’ll ever be able to live, not after losing my anchor in life, my most cherished treasure.

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My dearest Sal, your existence has brought me joy I never thought I would have. The years you’ve lived with me are my happiest. Because of you, I was able to live as much as I can but now, I don't know how to live without you. Your human is a stupid one, throwing away the life you've saved. But I'll do anything, anything to be with you again. It may seem stupid to kill myself just for a dog, but they don't understand. I've always longed for death, only you were there to delay the inevitable.

The last message I have written on my sketchbook placed on my backpack seemed to weigh heavier although I tried to write it as nonchalant and easy going as I could, it gave me even more urge to make things permanent. I hate my own fragility, yet I also hated my own strength. I am broken, and I refuse to let myself be furthermore brittled. I won't back down anymore.

I looked around, ignoring the critical gaze of the construction workers and the noise of the sirens that coincidentally passed on the busy roads. Instead, I looked if the people were thinning, and they were not. So I looked for kids, and they were all far away, having fun. I don’t want their innocence soiled by my stupidity. I have to draw attention, not because I want people to see me do it. No, but because I won't be able to do it unless someone tries to stop me and rush towards me. I don’t want to feel embarrassed as the security apprehends me. I don't want people's gaze boring through my soul as I walk down and out the mall with me bound. I’d escape, and I’ll use that fuel to get the job done.

I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn’t since I wanted to steel myself. I let one or two tears slip from my watery eyes, then forced my eyes shut so no more tears would leak. I hope, I pray, to be reunited with my dog. Then I screamed. People were startled, and I could see a guard walking towards me.

“Miss! Are you okay?”

My eyes widened, my jittery nerves allowed me to immediately climb up the railings, and muttered my last words.

“God, I wish I can finally have peace.” Without even letting the guard come close, I let out one last snicker from my stupidity, and finally let my tears overflow. I jumped.