I was stuck in that pose, Z-21 in the air, beginning to panic. No. No, no. No, this can’t be real. But, wasn’t this what I wanted? Deep down, the driving force behind my actions the moment that car accident happened and Theresa was murdered, was David Cennet’s death. Yet here I stood, shook by the implications that would follow. I wasn’t ready for this. Jonathan haunted me enough, but now his father would join him.
His body fell. I could see Vasc’s influence on the blood try to rebuild his brain, but its mechanical movements were testimony that the brain controlled Vasc in the first place. The blood eventually stopped and washed the street red.
Before I had a chance to brood, someone came running from the crowd, pushing their way inside the encirclement of mixed officers. “Hey kid!” Jack, the cameraman came through, managing to speak to me and record all in one go, “The Home Secretary wants to speak to you!” He said, finally being allowed to pass when he shouted that. I took his phone and put it to my ear.
“I heard,” Rosa spoke. “I don’t know how you’re feeling about it, but as the Home Secretary, I can tell you without a single shred of doubt that you’ve accomplished a feat worthy of being called a national hero. As your friend, you should probably hang your sword up and quit.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “We’ll speak again.”
Hana’s microphone came out of nowhere. I nearly thought she was going to smack me in the face with it. “What of the o–”
Police began to push her and Jack out of the crime scene. “Hey!” I shouted, “They’re good.”
“What about the schools? There are still suspects at large,” she continued when the police laid off.
I’d completely forgotten about that. I put my gear back on as fast as I could and helped the remaining schools, taking near four hours to finish the list. Luckily, a lot of Cennet’s hires fled when they learned he was dead and only the enemy TS remained. My little TS army had dwindled to near nothing, but had saved over sixty percent of the twenty-five hundred schools that had been infiltrated. Thankfully, the number of compromised schools were nowhere near the five thousand that the list indicated.
Finally, Z-21 was pulled out of the last enemy TS. I took a breather, just sitting motionlessly at a nearby playground. Really, I knew better than to leave myself alone with my own self-destructive thoughts, but it was necessary.
I guess that’s it. It’s done. Everything’s finally over. A long, much awaited sigh of relief came out, but something still weighed on me. Of course, she did. But I abandoned the notion of thinking about her; after all, I’d have an eternity to do that. What really mattered the most to me now was emptying my mind.
The next few days would be quite a rollercoaster of emotion. Marissa’s tears hit home so hard on that day. I’d learned then, that the worst part of losing Anna wasn’t even about me or Anna herself, but rather, knowing Marissa suffered like that. Sure, I was her family as well and I regarded her as my mother, big sister, and best friend. But in truth, I hadn’t known her for a very long time, where-as Marissa knew Anna all her life. If I felt that much pain and regret, I couldn’t possibly fathom the pits that Marissa and other family members would fall into. Anna’s death was an exsanguination of tears that I knew would fall over many moons.
Even watching the men carry her casket reminded me of how useless I was. She was right there in front of me, yet I could do nothing. The half-baked suit of apathy felt stifling; despite trying to hold it in because I felt like I didn’t even deserve to cry for her, it came out nonetheless.
A week later, dad opened the door to my old basement workspace. “You ready?”
I quickly wiped my tears away before I turned around, “Yeah.”
He smiled, a gentle one. After he a long pause with the door open, he finally released it after entering. His hands rested on my shoulders, “Remember this feeling, Jared. Never forget how awful it was, how painful it was. Don’t forget the things you regret the most. All the bad feelings and bad things that caused them, don’t forget any of it. You’ll need those bad memories if you want to grow stronger.” He spent a minute looking straight at me, yet I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I had so many questions, but none would come out. “Car’s waiting outside. Come out when you’re ready.”
Eventually, I was driven to some staff overseeing my award ceremony. They gave me an earpiece and reminded me of my cue to fly in. Charlene Jefferson’s retelling of the story brought up some unwanted emotions. “So, ladies, gentlemen,” the minister began my introduction, causing the staff to usher me away, “please welcome, Ban!” The moment she said my name, I flew into the scene from the side, cutting off Grav’s boosters when I got near so the levitation plates would give me a smooth landing. The ovation almost deafened me.
I received the plaque and she had a seat alongside my parents. The crowd simmered after a while; their attention focused onto me. I addressed them, made my speech, and by the time they sent me off with another applause, I’d already forgotten half of what I said.
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The number of lives lost was a stinging reality. An average of seven people died per school, totalling to a number above seventeen thousand. On Cennet’s payroll, around three thousand men died. In that one day, above twenty thousand lives were lost. I read the reports and figured it they exaggerated. With numbers like that, how could they possibly give me an award? It didn’t make sense to me at first, but as time passed by, I could see the merit in it. If the nation dwelled on that and didn’t take any positives from it, we’d probably end up in a worse situation.
Rosa concreted that idea to me a few days after, over lunch. “Yes, it’s quite true,” she agreed with my defeatist attitude. “We lost so many, it’s hard to see it as anything but a failure. But that is my burden, not yours. Did you ever stop and wonder what the numbers would look like if you did nothing?” She glared at me, not angrily but enough to make me view the situation from her perspective. “The last couple hundred schools to be tackled had around twenty deaths each, but the average deaths of all schools came up to just seven. Think about that for a while and tell me if you really think you failed.” Yet, she didn’t give me the time. “Analysts came up with a number around forty thousand, providing you weren’t in the equation.”
My eyes opened in shock, and admittedly, I certainly felt better. However, I couldn’t help but think how I could better myself, or stop something from happening completely. “What do you think I should do now?”
“Do what you said you were going to do and go back to school. Live like a normal boy for a change.” She smiled, “but before you do…” She moved closer to me on the couch. “One last time?”
A month or so later, I woke up to Marissa packing away some of Anna’s belongings to move it back to their family home. “Hey.”
“Hey, Jared,” she replied hesitantly; the reason I’d soon come to realise.
“I feel like I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to you,” I leaned on the dresser in Anna’s room.
“Yeah…”
“I’m sorry, Marissa. I never thou–”
“Shut up!” She stifled her yell, balling her fists. “Nothing you say will make anything better!”
“I can’t imagi–”
“No, you cannot!” She finally yelled, looking at me and driving her pointed finger into my chest. “It’s your fault she died! You! If she didn’t meet you! If she…” tears began welling up. She grabbed up the last few things and turned to me one final time, “I never want to see you again!”
“Please, Mari–” the door slammed and my words stuck.
I stood there like a lifeless cask, then took a seat on the bed. A primal scream was let out, my emotions no longer able to contain themselves! “Cennet, you piece of fucking shit! I hope you burn in hell! Fuck!” I held my head in anguish. Fuck!
My parents came in after a while, and although they didn’t deserve it, I lashed out at them for not being there for me. I thought, if only they were involved in my life when I needed them, none of this would ever happen. Jonathan would still be alive. Anna would still be alive and well. Marissa would still be happy.
I didn’t realise how much I was spiralling down. All my parents’ words of encouragement meant nil. Rosa’s support fell on deaf ears. Even LocalHost who had my back during all my tough times couldn’t break through that wall I put up. I was pissed, at myself, at god, at life. Even the damned police and TEO couldn’t do their jobs competently. I smiled, even thinking that Ferris deserved the death he got. My mind was twisting into something I couldn’t recognise.
It became so bad, in my constant isolation, I began talking to myself. In my crumbling state of mind, that would be the only thing that made sense: another me, another Jared, buried deep inside. And this Jared only sought to destroy me. I kept thinking about it, about why it had to be Anna. Why not me? It didn’t make sense; nothing made sense! I’m the one with the suicidal thoughts. I was the one who wanted to die, and still wanted to. Yet, death would not embrace me. Only torment, anxiety, and an affliction between me, and the one buried deep within me. For all those months that I busted my brain trying to understand why my life was as messed up as it was, I yearned for Anna to come back. I knew damned well it was impossible, but I’d have sold my soul to whoever or whatever could give her back to me.
But eventually I gave up. At some point my brain no longer cared, about anything. What does it matter anyway? Nothing matters. Those words rang incessantly in my head. Because truly, nothing mattered. I’d relapsed into a state similar to when I first met my father. Everything was useless to me, including my own life. No one had any faces, or any emotions. Every single colour was a drab grey. Lifeless. It felt like I’d been living in a simulated world and no matter what decision we made – inhumane or not – it was all paltry at the end of our lives. So, what was the point of living, then? Why not just get it over with? If we were born simply to die, then why are we living in the first place?
I wanted to die.
I hugged my legs in a corner of the basement, rocking back and forth.
This was my reality, but I wanted to dream.
A loud bang sounded and the door opened, and Marissa entered, rubbing her forehead. She was a bit embarrassed about hitting her head. I stood up quickly, wiping my disgruntled face and combing my dishevelled hair back with my hands. She walked to me, wordlessly and tearfully. Her arms wrapped around me, pulling me into a tight hug; something I didn’t realise I needed so much. “It’ll all be okay,” she comforted, bringing me to even more tears. I returned her hug, finally feeling like I could breathe again.
School had been coming up in a few weeks, and I began getting better the more she spent time with me. A colossal weight was off my shoulders. I realised, there wasn’t a need to know all the answers to life. Instead, I just focused on the things that I could change.
Finally, the day came. My backpack was chocked full of books, giving a familiar weight to me. Dad dropped me off and I was off to start life over again.
I entered the noisy halls and noticed many cameras, a few guards patrolling said halls and a more controlled environment than before. So, Cennet really did get what he wanted. Despite that sounding like a bad thing, a bit more security wouldn’t hurt. Well, that’s okay. I stashed the books I didn’t need in my locker, then took a deep breath.
The bell rang for classes to begin, but I simply stood there. This is it, huh? It’s like a dream. I gently rubbed the shielders hidden below my hoodie; mom was still cautious. It’s finally all over. I walked slowly to my first class and placed my hand on the doorknob.
Here goes nothing!