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Cave Crawl
Autopsy

Autopsy

Inside The Merchant and his secretaries were sitting at the counter with their computers. Sam and Dragon were playing poker at a booth, and Wiseguy was no where to be found. Yui was sitting off at a table by herself, reading a worn paperback book. The Merchant looked up from his laptop with an expression of mild annoyance, which quickly changed to disbelief.

“Ding dong, the frog is dead.” Andrew tossed the mask over the counter and onto The Merchant’s lap, partly for effect and partly to get it away from him. Sylph cringed, expecting him to get yelled at. Instead the room went completely silent. Andrew slipped his bags off his shoulder and plopped them on the floor before starting to walk over to Yui. She had put her book face down on the table and was surprisingly beaming with joy at his return.

“Andrew… Oh God I was so worried. I’m so glad you came back.”

“Worried for yourself or worried for me?”

“W-what? What are you talking about?” Her expression quickly turned fearful.

“Well, I’ve got a big ‘ole bruise in the middle of my face, my left hand looks like a prop from Return of the Mummy, and you didn’t even ask me if I’m okay. Seems to me you’re more concerned about whether or not I’m here to provide for you than anything else. That’s pretty selfish.”

“No… please Andrew I-” He cut her off and put his good hand under her chin, tilting her head up. He leaned in closely.

“It’s okay to be selfish baby. I don’t really mind.” He planted a soft kiss on her lips then pulled back slightly. Her eyes locked with his, full of fear and vulnerability. He maintained the gaze for a long minute, before breaking it off and giving her a rough head pat. He walked back into the center of the room. Sylph was looking away from him, red in the face. Andrew looked to Sam and spoke. “What about you Sam, did you worry about me?” Sam chuckled and set down his cards.

“I knew you’d come back. There wasn’t a thing to worry about.” Andrew grinned at him.

“And what about you Dragon?” Andrew asked. He opened his mouth to reply, but then The Merchant spoke.

“Sylvia, new audio recording if you will. Nazi, Sylph, before you get too comfortable here there’s still the matter of debriefing.” His voice was slightly elevated and a little too calm.

“What’s there to debrief? The mission’s done, bad guy’s gone, we got the guns.” Andrew started pacing around impatiently.

“It’s of vital importance that you tell me the how, though.” Andrew and Sylph were quiet, glancing at each other as if expecting the other to start. Just when she started to open her mouth, Andrew began.

“Okay so we walk for a day. We get to the wide straightaway with the tall ceiling and go to the end of that. I find a gun there. We go into the Frogman’s lair and I shoot him. He doesn’t die, so I stab him, then Sylph beats the shit out of him. He’s still not dead, so I gas him. Somehow he’s still alive. The final solution to the amphibian question was a bomb. He died. We got the guns. The end. Now that we’re debriefed I’d like my alcohol ration, food for the next two days, and permission to leave.”

“Andrew, you need to show more respect for the process. There are so many questions I still have. I can’t possibly let you go yet.”

“Sorry, I’m not an expert on debriefing. Why don’t you ask Sylph instead, I’m sure she’s plenty used to this.” His neck was starting to hurt again and he could almost hear the gunshots ringing out. He tried to think of something else, anything but what had happened yesterday. Mentally reciting the periodic table seemed like a good choice. Sylph and The Merchant went back and forth, while he did his best to tune out all of it. Eventually he settled into a sort of numb zen state. He had exhausted regular recitation, so he started doing it backwards.

“Andrew!” The Merchant banged his hand on the counter. Andrew snapped back to reality.

“What?”

“Sylph asked you how you burned your hand.”

“Wasn’t it when you made the poison gas?” She suggested.

“No… It was when I was...” He became acutely aware of the pain in his hand and grimaced, “Grappling with the Frogman. He tried to shoot me so I grabbed the barrel of his gun to stop him.”

“And what about this poison gas?” The Merchant asked.

“Chloramine. I made it through mixing bleach an ammonia. It causes burns on contact with skin and suffocation when inhaled. Oh and it’s also a Geneva convention violation to use in combat, so let’s never go before a judge.” The Merchant nodded, jotting down a note on a pad of paper.

“Sylvia, map please.” She reached into a folder and produced a hand drawn chart. He handed it to Andrew, who passed it to Sylph. “Mark the areas contaminated by this gas if you will.” Sylph grabbed a pencil from the counter and circled two rooms. She then started drawing in more of the tunnels where the map was incomplete. “Thank you. Now, how did this man survive being stabbed and shot?”

“Kevlar vest.”

“You didn’t happen to recover this vest, or his rifle did you?”

“They were destroyed in the blast.”

“A shame, but a necessity I suppose. Tell me about the bomb.”

“Rubbing alcohol, lithium batteries, a metal thermos.”

“What did you use for a fuse?”

“There was no fuse, I happened to be able to convert a kitchen timer into a detonator.”

“Why is Sylph holding her arm like that?”

“After all the fighting I got stuck under a trap. I think it broke something. Andrew saved me though, even with his bad hand he lifted the bookshelf off of me.” She spoke up, wincing in exaggerated pain.

“And why did you do that, Nazi?”

“The gun safe wasn’t open yet, and I ain’t a locksmith.”

“Understandable. Now, about that bomb, do you think you’d be able to make more?”

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“No.”

“But you just made one yesterday.”

“I’m still surprised it didn’t blow up in my hands because of my shitty home wiring. Now that I’m not in a matter of life and death, I’d prefer not to blow myself up.”

“Fine, fuses aside, couldn’t you use your chemistry knowledge to make explosives?”

“Sure, if you give me a clearly labeled set of chemicals and half decent lab equipment. Be sure to hit me up if you find any fertilizer or rocket fuel.”

“You know that won’t happen.”

“Pheh, I’ll give you a list of things to look out for sometime then.”

“Very well then. Now there’s just the matter of the guns. Debra, open the firearms spreadsheet. Dragon, come here and help me identify these. Nazi, can you- Are you paying attention?” Andrew rubbed his face with the back of his hand. “Is he okay?” The Merchant asked Sylph.

“I think he got hit in the head.” She said with a bit of concern. Andrew wondered if he was still having after effects from the pain killers.

“Did you get hit in the head?” The Merchant asked, this time in the slow light voice one uses to talk to children.

“Yeah, three or four times.” He glanced around the room slowly. Dragon sauntered up to him.

“You get your bell rung, Dutchman?” Dragon said. Andrew couldn’t tell whether or not he was being malicious.

“I’m not dutch? And no, I don’t have a concussion, or brain damage, or retardation. I’d like to collect my alcohol ration and my girlfriend, then go back to my room.”

“I’ll let you go,” The Merchant began, “But you don’t seem fine, and your hand needs attention. At the end of tonight you’re going to see Doc. He’ll have the final word on whether or not there’s something wrong with your head.”

“But we all know there’s something wrong with my head. That’s why I’m the Psycho Nazi.” Andrew half laughed. The Merchant ignored his comment and went to work cataloging the weapons. Andrew moved to grab his other bag, but Dragon stopped him.

“Leave that for now. You can take it after your check up.” The Merchant said without looking at him. “I just want to make sure you didn’t forget any guns or ammo at the bottom of it.” Andrew nodded, then reached into the bag for the bottle of bourbon he found. In an instant Sam was standing next to him.

“Hey Andy! You didn’t forget about me.”

“How could I forget about you when I talked to you less than three days ago?”

“I mean you didn’t forget about our deal. I took care of your girl, you brought back a little fire water.” Andrew considered telling him he was going to keep the bottle to himself, but decided it would be best to look generous. He passed Sam the bottle. “This is real swell Andy.”

“Can you fetch me my alcohol rations from when I was gone?”

“I thought you said I could have them.”

“What?”

“You know I-”

“I let you have mine once, that doesn’t mean you can have them whenever you want.” Andrew shook his head and groaned. He’d just have to deal with life unaltered for now. If The Merchant didn’t confiscate them, he could try having half an Oxy. He walked over to Yui and motioned for her to follow. She picked up her book so that her hand kept her place, then trailed behind him. “I’m leaving. Someone give me some food for the road.” Sylvia got up from her seat and rifled through a cupboard. Andrew paced around impatiently, with Yui awkwardly trailing behind. Sylph tried her best to not look at them, which was made difficult considering their movements. Eventually Sylvia returned with two bagels, which Yui received.

“Permission to leave?” Sylph asked.

“Granted.” The Merchant replied while examining a handgun. Andrew left, leading Yui by the hand. Sylph followed thirty feet or so behind them. Outside people were clamoring. Maybe he had done the whole “give them something to talk about” thing a little too well. Yui was quiet, not sure of what she could safely say to him. Andrew didn’t mind that, he wasn’t in the mood to talk. As they made their way through the surrounding residences people conspicuously got out of his path, then filled back in after he passed. Sylph didn’t get the same luxury, and had to push through crowds.

Andrew passed through the exit that lead to his room, then started moving at a hastened pace. He had had enough of these tunnels for now. He just wanted a bed with a warm body to share it with. Nothing else even registered as a concern. Yui sped up to walk beside him. They started to resemble a couple holding hands more than a leader and a follower. Yui looked at him and opened her mouth as if to speak, but then looked away. Andrew ignored her, the first time she did it. After six times though, he couldn’t tolerate her indecisiveness anymore.

“What do you want to say?”

“N-Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“I-It’s just that, usually you want to talk to me a lot unless you get mad. Did I...”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“What’s wrong then?”

“You know the saying ‘knowing is half the battle’?”

“Yes?”

“Well what’s the other half?”

“Strength?”

“It’s doing seriously fucked up shit that you would never in a million years see yourself doing to another person. Note that I’m using the personal you here, not the general one. You’re protected from this stuff, you never have to kill anybody. You just have to be mine. Now isn’t that comfy for you?”

“Are you okay Andrew?”

“I almost died, like five different times! I’m not fucking okay!” He shouted, pulling his hand away from hers.

“But Andrew,” Amelia’s voice appeared. Andrew turned around and saw her only a short distance behind them, “I was there to keep you alive, and you were there to do the same for me. Don’t dwell on what almost happened. Celebrate the life you still have!” Andrew stopped and turned around completely to face her.

“Why are you following me?”

“I live just down the path from you, no stalking intended. I wouldn’t mind to spend another night with you, though. Consider it an open invitation to my room?” She smiled coyly at him.

“It wasn’t too bad in your arms...” He took a step closer to her, then Yui grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“Hahaha!” She forced out laughter, “That’s very funny guys! We shouldn’t tarry too long here, me and Andrew have a date at his place right now. Bagels and all. Wouldn’t want to miss spending time with Andrew for the world!” He suppressed a grin, realizing the situation that was unfolding.

“I’m sure Andrew would rather dine with me. I heard he was thirsty for something that burns on the way down, and I happen to have some of that in my room. That and I could show him a much better time than you.” Amelia said.

“Oh, decisions decisions.” Andrew considered his options. Yui definitely felt insecure in her position now, and she would probably be much more friendly to try and win him over. Amelia on the other hand, was more likely to be receptive to whatever he suggested. Still, in the long term he wanted both of them wanting him, and Yui needed the most work in that department. “I think I’d prefer a familiar room tonight, Amelia.” The sly smile faded from Amelia’s face and Yui sighed in relief. “Though,” He began again, “That’s only for now. Tomorrow is a different story.” He put an arm around Yui’s back and started walking again. He could feel the tension in her form. After another ten minutes of silence they got back to his room. Yui looked over her shoulder and practically shrunk. Andrew followed her gaze to see Amelia. For a brief second she was glaring daggers at Yui, but as soon as she noticed him turn his head she put on a warm smile.

“See you back at the diner!” She said cheerily. Andrew waved goodbye to her with his bandaged hand and opened the door to his room.