“I see, I see…. Hmmm… yes… I think I get it now… Yesssss, it all makes sense now… In a past life, I must have had a penchant for kicking around small children. That certainly explains it all.”

*nom*

*Constitution check failed!*

*geeeeckk* *blegh*

… Are you ok?

“Three bites in to a raw wolfs leg, freshly regurgitated with each bite, in your fantasy world, but not just in your fantasy world, but the worst dungeon imaginable in said fantasy world! My brand new personal bully is a mouse, and you won’t tell me a single thing about how the world works, and best of all, I put myself here. In short, I am doing absolutely. Fan. Tas. Tic.”

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there?

“What? Sarcasm? ME?! Noooooooo…. What makes you think that?”

I’m still not sorry.

“YOU ASKED IF I WAS OK. WHY ASK IF YOU KNOW YOU WON’T LIKE THE ANSWER?!”

Oh, well that’s simple. I have absolutely nothing better to do.

“… That’s fair. That doesn’t make you any less of a shitty god.”

I never said I wasn’t a shitty god.

“… also fair.”

Although…. I won’t say that the people in this world think I am a shitty god.

“Oh, then who do they blame when things go wrong?”

The Evil God of Chaos, Kroll, who unleashes unpredictable disasters across the world for his own amusement. By the way, that happens to be you.

“…. WHAT?!”

You *might* not want to let people find out about that though. You are pretty unpopular, you know. Now you can’t say I never told you anything.

*ding!*

You have gained a new secret title! “The Evil God of Chaos – Kroll. If this became public knowledge, things will become really complicated for you. If I were you, I would ABSOLUTELY NOT let anyone else find out. Title effects: gain evil related achievements 1000x faster than normal.”

“I. Hate. You. My name isn’t even Kroll! It’s Aquis!”

*Snickers in Draconic*

…

I won’t give him the pleasure of asking about that.

So, clearly, it is entirely up to me to get through this mess. But now, at the very least, I have a slight foundation to stand on! And with a foundation, I can make a plan. And if I can make a plan….

An insidious smile brightens up my face, an absolutely hopeful menace soon to be unleashed!

“Squeeeeee….”

The “End” Mouse observes you in apprehension.

*Gaming check successful!*

*nom*

*Constitution check failed!*

*blegh*

JUST YOU WAIT, YOU SHITTY WOLF’S LEG, EVENTUALLY I WILL EAT YOUUUUU!

[https://i.imgur.com/0dd9ROS.png]

*constitution check successful!*

FINALLY! AFTER DOZENS OF TRIES, OH, I WAS ABLE TO KEEP IT DOWN! HALLELUJAH!

*ding!*

You have met the requirements and gained a new title! “Barbarous Eater - Having savagely devoured the raw flesh of over 500 wild creatures, you have become no better than the monsters themselves. Title Effects: You no longer suffer negative effects from eating raw flesh. Barbarians and Savages will revere your eating habits. Civilized people will react with horror.”

Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

….

Don’t let it get to you. Don’t let it get to you. Don’t let it get to you. I AM NOT AN EVIL GOD, BUT THIS IS FINE. IT’S ALL FINE. SEE? I CAN SURVIVE BETTER HERE NOW! MY STAMINA IS EVEN RECOVERING.

*nom*

…

*sluuuurp* *crunch*

With a righteous, malevolent fury, my teeth are able to tear into the wolf’s leg! Chunks of blood and gore get flung out with every bite, while ragged hunks of flesh get readily swallowed in a bestial spectacle that would make the dark lord Cthulu, hallowed be his name, proud!

huh, this wolf’s leg suddenly tastes pretty good…

“Squeeeee!”

The “End” Mouse nods approvingly at your eating habits and relates closer with you. With time and training, maybe one day you can aspire to be as great as him?

…

You know, maybe I should just play a true evil game for once. And just kill everything, starting with these shitty text boxes.

*Snickers in ﺾ℮ﷺﺲ€*

The “End” Mouse tilts its head quizzically, confused by your frantic assault against the air.

“FUCK THIS. Come on, mouse! Now I am feeling really motivated! And, we have some tests to conduct! Ah, I should give you a name, huh?”

“SQUEEEE!”

“I shall call you ‘Squeee’ because that is all you say, and because it is kinda fun to roll off the tongue. ‘Squeee’. Heh.”

*ding*

Having been named by the Evil God of Chaos, Kroll-sama, Squeee’s fate has been forever changed. He will receive his own unique character card. Will this mark the beginning of the Great Mouse Revolution and a new era for all Mice-kind, or will Squeee perish before his dreams of grandeur are realized? Only time will tell.

“I TOLD YOU MY NAME IS AQUIS! THAT IS A. Q. U. I. S. AQUIS!”

I *can* read you know. Ah, and I see you have accepted your role as an evil god then! Splendid! I look forward to continued profit off of you! Ah, I said too much. Tally-ho!

But… but… I was speaking though! And… and! I didn’t! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I can do NOTHING here. Just stand and stare pathetically, eyes bulging with fury, grinding my teeth, sputtering incoherent nonsense and insults. If anything, it would be easier to mistake me for a mad god than an evil one. Not that I ever agreed to the title in the first place. Obviously, it didn’t even tell me everything it does!

USELESS.

SHITTY.

EAFN@@IEAR4$#NGPIN$P#ITINEGS!

[https://i.imgur.com/0dd9ROS.png]

Squeee and I had much work to be done, and many tests to implement! Naturally, he would ride on top of my head. It gave the wannabe Mouse King the best vantage point to see any danger, and with my trash stats, I would make an excellent decoy should we get discovered by any predators. I was like that fat friend you take out camping, just in case you run in to a bear or a serial killer and need someone else to take the fall and die so you can escape.

…

Maybe I should have accepted the shitty gods offer to send me that fat, useless guy?

…

I AM NOT AN EVIL GOD.

…

Really… I’m not…

…

So there were a few objectives we set out to work on.

First: I needed to know more about where I was and explore this floor of the dungeon! Where is the way out?

Second: I needed to know what other monsters inhabited said floor. I already knew that Couatls and Wolves aren’t friendly with each other, so what other horrors could I possibly lure into violent bloodbaths with each other if the need arises?

Third: I needed to know the locations of all the traps, and what kinds of traps they were.

Fourth: This is a dungeon. There is no way it could support this much life and this many traps naturally, so it must reset and respawn everything every so often. The idea that I would be the first to find and trigger such obvious traps after however many thousands of years this place had been around, with as many horrible monsters as there are wandering around here, why, it is absolutely absurd!

The universe is acting erratically.

*click*

….

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!”

[https://i.imgur.com/0dd9ROS.png]

I don’t know how long it’s been since I have been down here. Has it been weeks? Months? Longer? I can’t keep track at all. Heck, it’s a miracle I made it alive for this long. A miracle of my own engineering, if I do say so myself.

Or plot armor?

Shut it! MY LIFE IS NOT JUST SOME STORY, OK! I AM A REAL PERSON!

If you say so! *Snickers in abyssal*

STOP WITH THE DAMN SNICKERING ALREADY!

Finally! I was beginning to wonder how long it would take!

SO YOU DO KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN DOWN HERE!?

Ah, I just remembered… I have, uh, an important thing that needs doing. So sorry… gotta go!

…. I don’t know why I expected anything else.

“Squeeeee?”

“Yeah! You tell him, Squeee!”

I have no idea what Squeee is saying, but I keep pretending I do.

*Deception check successful!*

Squeee believes you are actually proficient in understanding the Mouse Language.

Now to review what I have learned: First, this floor of the Dungeon is an absolutely insane labyrinth. Nothing makes sense, anywhere. Attempting to navigate it, even with a plan, is pointless. You can only wander aimlessly, and eventually you will end up back where you started. Given enough time. I tried leaving a blood trail to follow once. By the time I wound up back at Squeee’s hidden chamber, the blood trail had entirely disappeared! Then I followed it back the way I came. Except…. Instead, it lead me straight into point two.

Turns out, one of the monsters in this dungeon is some form of tentacled nightmare. If I wasn’t so damn careful, I would have certainly had a bad time of it! You see, anytime you attempt to leave a trail of any kind, it would get rerouted to lead straight back in to its layer! Just as a matter of course, I had to test it thoroughly. So I found another wolf pack, and used the remaining blood from the stump I had to lure them to the Tentacle monster. It wasn’t a pretty sight… buuuuut I got another fresh wolf leg out of the deal! HAH!

Small wins.

Then there were the stereotypical Giant Bats. I can’t figure out why or how they got around in this Dungeon. In fact, I am pretty sure they shouldn’t be on this floor. Why, you ask? And who are you that I am talking to? I don’t know! Hehehee. Hahaaahahahaahaha. Ahhhhahahahaahahahaahahahaha!

“Squeeee?”

“Shhh, my little mousey friend, shhhhhhhh….. We’re in a dungeon. A dungeon. Hehehe.”

“…. Squeeeeeeee…..”

Ah, yes, back to why. It’s because the bats are too large to actually fly down the hallways. They just… hang off the ceiling, filling up most of the passageway, like big, giant, fluffy roadblocks of death. Oddly enough, being unable to fly hasn’t made them any less deadly. As usual, I conducted the wolf test. Another massacre, another meal, as I always say! I just can’t get enough of these wolf legs! Squeee seems to be getting sick of them though. Nom nom nom nom nom!

Oh, this is another fun one I found about a few weeks back! It’s also when I, oddly enough, started my random maniacal laughing sprees.

You see, while on another one of my sneaky aimless wandering episodes, I came across another Coatl. Which I promptly deceived with a well thrown rock and fled into another strange section of the Labyrinth. After crossing through several corridors filled with mossy stone outcroppings, dodging some strange, oversized bug horrors, and balancing over an extremely thin path across an interminable void, I found a room filled with something absolutely unbelievable!

Bountiful bosoms! Perfect shapes! Everything a man could dream of! Heaven incarnate! Ah, women the likes a man could lust for his entire life and never find! But… this is a horrible dungeon, right? Something… is not right about this.

*Wisdom check synergy with Gaming skill: Success! Willpower check successful! Intelligence check successful!*

Yeah. You know what time it is… I needed to conduct the wolf test! But this time would be a challenge. I needed to lure the wolves safely past all the carnivorous bug monsters, and then to chase me across the narrow chasm to then reach this room. But how?

Hehe. Hehehehee.

*Gaming skill successful!*

*Deception Successful!*

*Crafting and Construction successful!*

“Awr?”

Somewhere… a wolf just got a terrible premonition of death. However, it quickly forgot, as the delicious smell of blood and wounded prey filled its nose. It would worry about its premonitions later!